Who I Used to Be

by Alexa Land

  “I love you so much, TJ,” I said softly. “You know that, right?”

  “I love you, too.” He kissed my forehead, then asked, “Is this camping alone pity? It was actually nice to read and relax outdoors in the off-season.”

  “I know. But this…I mean, camping always struck me as a group activity.”

  “That wasn’t an option for me. I could be alone here, or alone in my apartment. Sometimes I needed the change of scenery.” He hugged me a little tighter and added, “Camping on my own wasn’t bad, but I will say, getting to be here with you is a million times better.”

  “It’s nice out here. Listen to that.” We were both quiet for a moment. The only sound was the trickling stream and the rustling of the breeze through the trees. I whispered, “God, I love that. It makes me wonder how I can stand living in the city.”

  “I have a love-hate relationship with San Francisco. I was drawn to it when I was younger, in a way I can’t quite explain. Growing up, my goal was always to move there, to be a part of all that life and energy. But the city can be draining too, and I ended up retreating to my apartment more and more over the years. It’s like, I live in San Francisco without really living there, if that makes sense. I know I don’t take advantage of all it has to offer.”

  “Do you ever think about moving?”

  “I used to, but not now. Trevor and Josh are there. And of course, now I have one more beautiful, brown-eyed reason to stay.” He smiled at me and caressed my cheek.

  “I’m not a reason to stay, because I’d follow you anywhere. I get why you’d want to remain close to your family, though,” I said. Then I added, “Hey, have you ever asked Josh to go camping?”

  “I did. He said he’s not outdoorsy.”

  “He’d probably like it, even if all he did was sit in the tent reading a paperback.”

  TJ smiled and said, “That’s exactly what he’d do.”

  “Are you excited about having everyone over on Monday?” Trevor and Vincent, along with Josh and his boyfriend, were all coming to dinner. Trevor worked five nights a week at the restaurant, and Sundays were always dinner with his husband’s family at Nana’s, which left Mondays as his only free night.

  “Apprehensive is more like it. What do you cook for a chef? I feel like anything I make is going to pale in comparison to the meals Trevor and his family are probably used to.”

  “Just go with comfort food. How about macaroni and cheese? Everyone loves that.”

  TJ glanced at me. “But that’s so basic.”

  “Trust me, it’ll be a big hit. I’ll help you cook. We’ll bake a cake too, Josh will love that.”

  “I like this idea. I kept thinking I had to do something fancy, but this makes more sense.”

  “Good.” I kissed his cheek, then asked, “Are your legs going numb? I can move to my new chair if you want.”

  “Don’t go anywhere,” he said. “This is perfect.”

  We spent quite a while cuddling by the fire, and later on, we cooked dinner together. TJ clearly knew what he was doing and had some clever ideas. He roasted chili peppers and tomatoes over the fire, then made a fresh salsa to go with grilled quesadillas. It was absolutely delicious, and when I told him that, he looked pleased.

  For dessert, he pulled out the ingredients for s’mores and said, “I went with a classic. Tomorrow night, I’m planning to impress you with my campfire cobbler, but today, we’re cooking marshmallows on sticks.”

  I accepted the long, metal cooking implement and told him, “I’ve always wanted to do this.”

  We sat side by side, arms touching as we held the marshmallows over the glowing coals. TJ had it down to a science, while mine just burst into flames, fell into the fire, or both. He made a s’more for me with one of his perfectly golden brown, melted masterpieces, and I savored every bite. Eventually, I got the hang of it, and made him a s’more with the best marshmallow I could manage. We ate a couple more marshmallows on their own, and I asked, “Why does everything taste so much better in the woods?”

  “It’s one of life’s mysteries.”

  TJ looked over at me and grinned, then leaned in and licked a bit of marshmallow from my lower lip. I pulled him close and kissed him, and lust flared in both of us at the same time. “Maybe we should try out that tent,” I suggested. “You know, just to test its structural integrity before we try to sleep in it tonight.”

  He readily agreed. I hurried to the orange and yellow dome, but he detoured to the picnic table and quickly began packing up our food. “Oh, right,” I said, then went to help him. I could just imagine coming back out to a full-scale raccoon party.

  I followed TJ’s lead and left my shoes on the straw mat outside the tent before crawling through the zippered opening, which came together in an inverted ‘T’. He’d brought a lantern into the tent with us since it was just past sunset, and it bathed the space in a warm, golden light. TJ went around and zipped up the privacy panels over the door and the mesh windows, fired up a little portable camping heater, and joined me in the nest he’d made with a pair of foam mattresses, lots of blankets and pillows, and a flannel-lined sleeping bag that had been fully unzipped so it could cover us both.

  “This is great,” I told him as I settled in. “I didn’t expect it to be so cozy and comfortable.”

  “It’ll get cold tonight, even with all these blankets and the heater, so we’ll have to huddle together and share body heat.”

  “And camping just got even better.”

  He pulled me into his arms and kissed me, and I slid my knee between his thighs and ran my hands down his back. After a while, I rolled over so I was on top of him and pushed up his T-shirt to expose his chest. I proceeded slowly, gauging his reactions. His nipple hardened under my tongue, and when I sucked it, he moaned and rubbed his cock through his clothes.

  I made quick work of his belt, button and zipper, then pulled his hard-on from his jeans and boxers and began stroking him as I ran my tongue down his chest. When I slid down between his legs, he said, “I brought along flavored condoms if that’s something you might be interested in.”

  I glanced up at him and grinned. “Flavored?”

  He propped himself up on his elbows and nodded. “You were concerned about me sucking your cock, so I thought that might give you peace of mind until you have a chance to get tested. You can also use one on me if you want, just to even things up.”

  “I’m certainly willing to give it a try. It might be interesting.” He pulled a zippered shaving kit out from under the pillows and handed it to me, and I grinned when I opened it and looked inside. “You came prepared. Which one of us is this meant for?” I pulled out the blue dildo and held it up.

  “Both or either of us.”

  “You know, I never asked. Do you ever bottom?”

  “That was all I did with my ex. He refused to let me top him, even though that’s my natural tendency.”

  “Was this the nudist?” TJ nodded and I asked, “What was his name, anyway?”

  “Reg.”

  “Reg with a ‘g’ sound? Not as in Reginald?”

  “Regulus, actually, named for a star in the constellation Leo, known at the heart of the lion.”

  “I instantly hate him.”

  TJ chuckled at that. “You would if you met him, too. He was a piece of work.”

  I tossed the dildo onto the bedding and dug through the bag a bit more. He’d packed several types of condoms. I finally found the ones I was looking for and read the box. “Assorted flavors, nice. Banana, that’s kind of funny. Disguise your pecker as produce! Oh hey, strawberry. Have you tried these yet?”

  “Are you asking if I unpacked one and popped it in my mouth? No.”

  I grinned at that and tore open the box. Once I located a strawberry condom, I put it on his stomach and stretched out at his side as I asked, “Is it weird that they’re lubed, but clearly meant for oral sex?”

  “I think that’s the part that’s flavored.”

  �
�Odd. It’s like a condom packed in syrup. The maraschino cherry of prophylactics.”

  “Basically.”

  We started kissing again, and I stroked him until he was hard. Eventually, I climbed between his legs and rolled the pink condom down his shaft. I chuckled and said, “The good news is, it’s not sticky. I was concerned about that. The bad news is, it smells exactly like strawberries.”

  “Do I want to know why that’s bad news?”

  “I’ll tell you later. I don’t want to destroy the mood.” When he raised an eyebrow at me, I flashed him a big smile, then bent down and gingerly took his sheathed cock between my lips.

  The taste was surprisingly pleasant and subtly sweet, and totally masked the taste of the latex, which was a definite plus. Best of all, it didn’t seem to interfere with TJ’s pleasure, judging by the soft sounds he made as I sucked him. The addition of the condom seemed a bit like blowing a sex toy at first, but I soon got used to the thin covering and just enjoyed having TJ’s thick cock in my mouth. I caressed his balls as I slid my lips down his shaft, ignoring my own erection, which was still confined in my jeans.

  He pulled another pillow beneath his head so he could sit up a bit and watch what I was doing. We locked eyes, and my cock throbbed at the intensity of our connection. He reached down and caressed my cheek, before a wave of pleasure made him close his eyes and moan.

  Since he seemed to be in need of release, I didn’t edge him, opting instead to send him over the top in just a few minutes. He gripped the bedding with both hands as he came, arching his back, gritting his teeth so he didn’t yell and attract attention. His orgasm shook his entire body and I sucked him throughout it, then gently eased him down. By the time I let his cock slip from my lips, he was panting and sweaty. I peeled off the condom for him and tied it off, then pulled up his boxers and reached for the blanket.

  “Oh no,” he said, sitting up with a mischievous glint in his eye, “nobody’s getting tucked in until you’ve had a turn.” He dug through the flavored condoms and selected one, then stuck it in the pocket of my T-shirt and pulled me into his arms.

  After getting me totally worked up, TJ unzipped my jeans and freed my cock from my briefs. He then rolled a red condom over my erection and gave my tip a quick lick. I chuckled when he said, “Nope,” and rolled the condom right back off again. He quickly found another one, orange-colored this time, and put it on me before doing another quick taste test. “So much better,” he announced as he looked up and smiled at me. “I think this one’s tropical punch. The cherry tasted like cough medicine.”

  My laugh turned into a moan as he slid his lips all the way down my shaft. “Holy shit,” I said, “you have absolutely no gag reflex. As if you weren’t already awesome enough.” I felt him chuckle before redoubling his efforts.

  I leaned back, turned my mind off, and let myself enjoy what he was doing. I even forgot all about the condom. He kept changing the tempo and intensity of his mouth on my cock while he caressed my balls, and in just a few minutes a massive orgasm slammed into me. I ran my fingers into his hair and locked eyes with TJ as I came. My body shook violently, almost convulsing. It was all I could do not to yell as wave after wave of pleasure slammed into me. He held my gaze, sucking hard, demanding more from me, and my body gave it to him as I came in burst after burst. Once that huge orgasm finally ebbed, he dropped onto the bedding beside me and I stammered, “That was amazing.”

  “Glad you liked it.”

  I was still shaking a little as I cleaned up and disposed of everything in the gallon-size zip-top bag TJ had packed in the traveling sex kit. When I was done, I flashed him a lazy smile and burrowed into the bedding as I said, “Camping is fucking awesome.”

  That made him laugh. “Good. Then we should do lots more of it.”

  “Lots and lots,” I slurred, a bit loopy after cumming that hard.

  He grinned at me as he traced my lower lip with a fingertip. “You’re incredibly cute. Do you know that about yourself?”

  “I’d be more inclined to believe you if I wasn’t all flushed and sweaty.” I kissed his fingertip and snuggled closer to him.

  “You can’t fall asleep yet,” he told me as my eyelids drooped. “There’s still something I want to show you tonight.”

  “I’m just resting my eyes.” They were completely closed, and I nuzzled his chest.

  He kissed my forehead. I could hear the smile in his voice as TJ said, “Well, I can always show you one of my favorite things about camping tomorrow night.”

  “You can show me tonight. I’ll get up in a minute. I’d just like to point out that it would be a lot easier if you hadn’t built us this warm, comfy nest and if you weren’t the cuddliest guy ever.” He clicked off the lantern, and we were bathed in darkness. I opened my eyes and told him, “I really am going to get up.”

  “I know. I’m just helping us with our night vision.”

  “What night vision? I can’t see anything.”

  “Give it a minute.”

  After a few seconds, I said, “Nope. It’s black as Chaplin’s soul in here. Speaking of which, do you think he’s chewed off Murphy’s hand yet?” Our friend had been nice enough to pet-sit for the weekend. We owed him, big time.

  “Probably. Can you see anything yet?”

  I shook my head, then said, “You probably didn’t see that since, as previously stated, it’s dark as all hell in here.”

  I felt rather than saw TJ getting up, and he asked, “When was the last time you went to an ophthalmologist?”

  I thought about that and said, “An eye doctor came to our school in the third grade and made us all read an eye chart. Or maybe it was second grade. It had pictures instead of letters, since most of the kids didn’t know the alphabet yet. Maybe it was first grade.”

  TJ clicked his tongue and said, “We’ve got to take better care of you.” He scooped me up into his arms, along with one of the blankets. When I asked what he was doing, he said, “Letting you stay warm and cozy while still showing you that thing I want you to see.”

  He carried me out of the tent, stooping to zip it shut behind us, and stuffed his feet into a pair of shoes before carrying me across the campsite. “I think I just put on your sneakers,” he said. “Side note: never put on a pair of shoes that have been outside without looking in them first.”

  “Ew! Is there something in them?”

  “No, thank God. That’s just a general camping tip.”

  “Duly noted,” I said as he swung one of the chairs around and sat down with me on his lap. He’d faced us away from the glow of a street lamp, which was about three campsites south of us by the restrooms.

  TJ asked, “What was the thing you didn’t want to say earlier about the strawberry condoms?”

  “Oh! God, this is so random. Did you ever see the third Toy Story movie?” When he shook his head, I said, “Aw, you’re missing out! Anyway, there’s this character in it, he’s this evil pink bear, and he smells like strawberries. They made a toy of him when the movie came out, strawberry scent and all. He smelled exactly like that condom. I mean, it’s just dead-on. So when that scent first hit me tonight, I thought of him, but I was also thinking of condoms, and I kind of merged the two, so what I actually ended up picturing was a bear with a great, big, pink, fuzzy…never mind.”

  Laughter burst from TJ, and he said, “Thank God you didn’t say that earlier! Talk about a mood killer.”

  “Exactly! That’s why I shut myself up. Talk about something else, quick, before we start picturing it.”

  “Okay. We’re lucky because it’s a clear night tonight. Look up.”

  The sky was a riot of stars, more than I’d ever seen, and I whispered, “Oh wow.”

  TJ pointed out several constellations, and when I told him I was surprised he knew all their names, he said, “I love astronomy. Always have. When I was a kid, I’d escape out my bedroom window and climb onto the roof of the apartment building. I spent hours up there, staring at the stars. Even
tually, I found a book at the library and learned the names of the constellations. They were…a comfort, somehow.”

  I turned my head to look at him. I could just barely make out his features in the darkness. “In that case, I’m surprised you didn’t show more interest in that giant telescope at Saithmore.”

  “That was one of the greatest things I’d ever seen in my life. When Rollie showed us the rings of Saturn, I felt like crying.”

  “But then you just went outside without saying anything. I’m sure he and Alastair would have shown you more if you’d expressed an interest.”

  “I know. I wanted to see more through that telescope, but I just…couldn’t.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because I’m an asshole,” he said.

  “What are you talking about?”

  “I couldn’t stay in the observatory because I was so jealous of Alastair that I actually kind of hated him. I already have a hard time with him because he’s so rich, and good-looking, and because he gives you things I can’t. The fact that he also gets to go to that school and has unlimited access to that multimillion-dollar telescope was just too much. I know that makes me a total jerk, because he’s your friend, and he’s always been unfailingly kind to both of us, but there it is.” When I grinned, TJ asked, “Why are you smiling?”

  “You’ve seen me at my absolute worst, while you always seem to have it together. That makes me feel like we’re on an uneven playing field. But then, you say something like that, and in an odd sort of way, it’s reassuring. It’s like, ah, okay, so we both have some shit to work out.”

  TJ grinned a little. “What a strange way of interpreting me being an asshole.”

  “You get what I’m saying though, right?”

  “I do, actually. The only part I don’t get is how you could possibly think I have it together. I’m a part-time building superintendent and the owner of a failing business, a guy who fixes stuff in a disposable society. That reminds me, I meant to tell you I got that TV working, not that you wanted me to fix it.”