Who I Used to Be

by Alexa Land

  “My only plan for today is to spend time with you, cook good food, and make love to you two or three times.”

  “That’s such a good plan.”

  TJ sat up suddenly and exclaimed, “Holy shit, what is that?”

  “What’s what?” He pointed past me, and I turned to look at the mesh door screen I’d just uncovered. A dark gray moth as big as my hand was splayed across the zipper. I launched myself back while yelling something like, “What the actual fuck?”

  “Oh man, that’s gross,” TJ muttered. “And aren’t moths nocturnal? It wasn’t there when we got up this morning.”

  “I guess someone forgot to tell the moth it’s past his bedtime. Ugh, I feel like heaving. That’s so nasty.”

  “At least it’s on the outside, thank God.” TJ crawled to the door and gave it a little poke with the spine of his book. That did nothing but give the moth a ride as the material swayed. “I don’t want to hurt it,” he said. “We just need to convince it to vacate the premises.”

  TJ reached for the toiletry case with the sex supplies, and I joked, “If you’re planning to lube it up so it slips off the tent, you may want to rethink your strategy.”

  He grinned at me over his shoulder. “I was just curious how big it was, and I happen to know this is eight inches long.” He held up the blue dildo for comparison, then said, “That thing’s a solid seven inches across.”

  “I’ll bet the dildo manufacturer never imagined the toy would be used for that.”

  “People must come up with all kinds of never-before-imagined uses for these things. Moth measuring’s probably not even all that weird, in the grand scheme of things.”

  I muttered, “Oh man, I wish I wasn’t trying to think of some other examples of misuses.” He held up the toy one more time, as if he was trying to fine-tune his estimate, and when he got it close to the mesh tent flap I said, “Just don’t get moth on the dildo.”

  “I don’t think those words have ever been combined like that in the history of the English language.” TJ sounded amused. He poked the tent flap a couple more times with his book, then sighed when that had no effect and zipped the opaque panel back in place. “I suppose it’ll fly off eventually. In the meantime, we don’t have to stare at it.”

  “So basically, we’re trapped inside the tent.”

  “You say that like it’s a bad thing.” He took a condom from the case, ripped open the packaging, and rolled it over the dildo. Then he said, “I’m not sure why I used one of the flavored rubbers, but oh look! One sex toy, ready for action! Whatever shall we do with it?”

  I grinned and said, “I suppose we’ll think of something.”

  *****

  A couple hours later, TJ and I fell back onto the pile of blankets, naked and sweating. “Well, that was certainly vigorous,” I said as I shot him a smile and tried to catch my breath.

  He chuckled as he tucked a wet wipe into the plastic bag that held several used condoms. “Vigorous is a very good word for it.”

  “That was a hell of a lot of fun, but wow, am I sweat-drenched.”

  “So am I. As soon as I can walk again, let’s go take a shower.” He pulled up the edge of the mattress and tucked the zipped garbage bag under it.

  “There are showers here?”

  TJ nodded and smiled mischievously. “Since the campground’s practically deserted, we can probably get away with sharing a shower stall.”

  “Sounds fun.” Even though I’d cum twice that morning, my cock stirred at the idea of TJ’s wet, soaped up body sliding against mine. I rolled over and kissed him, and he reached down and rubbed my cock as he returned the kiss.

  After a minute, he asked, “Are you up for round two?”

  I wrapped my hand around his growing erection. “Technically, this is round four. You’ve cum once, I’ve cum twice, and now it’s most definitely time to even up those numbers. Lay back and relax, TJ, and let me take care of you.” I reached for the lube and squirted some onto my hand.

  TJ sighed with pleasure as I slid a finger into his already-lubed ass. We’d found out the blue sex toy was too ambitiously sized, and also that he wasn’t quite ready to take my cock yet, but he loved being fingered. He draped a leg over my hips to give me better access to the most private part of him, and when I began to massage his prostate, a sexy little mewl slipped from his lips. He put his arms around me and held on tight, burying his face in my shoulder as the intensity of what I was doing to him made his body tremble.

  I loved every minute of it, not only the fact that he was so lost to his pleasure, but that I was the one providing it. The feeling of being in control was new to me, and it felt good. At the same time, he was showing me how much he trusted me as he let go of his inhibitions for this act of total intimacy. That meant everything to me, and it made me feel protective of him.

  Over the next few minutes, I gave him what he needed. I alternated rubbing his pleasure spot and fucking him with two fingers, because he seemed to love that. He was so tight, and his ass was warm around my fingers. I wanted to sink my cock into him, but it just hadn’t worked when we’d tried it earlier. He wasn’t ready, physically or mentally, and that was fine. No need to rush it. We had all the time in the world.

  Eventually, I pushed my fingers deep into him and jerked him off hard and fast. TJ cried out as he came. He shot onto his stomach as he bucked his hips, and his ass clamped down on my hand.

  Afterwards, he was utterly exhausted. I eased my fingers from him and wiped my hands with the pack of wipes, then wiped the cum from his body and disposed of everything in the plastic bag. “That was amazing, Zachary,” he mumbled. “Thank you.” He fell asleep in my arms soon after.

  I brushed his damp hair from his face, drew the blanket to his shoulders, and watched him as he slept. I took in every detail, from the way his dark lashes fanned out against his pale skin to the soft sound he made when he drew a breath. He hadn’t shaved in a couple days, and stubble shaded his upper lip and jaw. It was sexy on him.

  I felt the need to memorize him for some reason, to hold on to every detail, no matter how small. A thought came into my mind, totally unbidden, and it made my blood run cold: What are you going to do if you lose him? How will you survive it?

  Where the hell did that come from? I loved TJ and was secure in the knowledge that he loved me, too. Why would I be contemplating something like that?

  When I stopped to mull it over, I actually knew the answer. I was used to things going wrong in my life. Everything always had. My mom died, and my dad went to jail, and going to college was replaced with becoming a drug addict and a rent boy. Tragedy was the norm, it was what I knew.

  It was frightening to love someone as much as I loved TJ. It was just so far beyond the realm of anything I’d ever experienced. The sum total of my life experience told me this thing between us was going to end, the way all good things did, and when that happened, it would destroy me.

  But I didn’t want to believe that, and I sure as hell didn’t want to sit around depressing myself with the what-ifs, at a time when my life was better than it had ever been. That was the kind of thinking that pushed my drug cravings to the forefront and made me want to drown my fears in a syringe. Even though I felt good about the progress I’d made, it reminded me of what I’d always known: the urge to use was never more than one idle moment or one negative thought away.

  I sighed quietly and curled up against TJ. Even in his sleep, he shifted a bit and took me in his arms. Enjoy this, I told myself. Tomorrow’s not guaranteed, but you have right now.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  “Yoohoooooo!”

  I awoke with a start and looked around the tent. Okay, what had just happened? Beside me, TJ stirred a bit under the covers.

  Another shrill, high-pitched call came from somewhere outside. “Yoohooooo!”

  I muttered, “What the hell?”

  A familiar voice called, “Zachary Paleki, are you in that tent? If so, I can only assume you and your
honey are enjoying some gay homosexual lovemaking, and I don’t want to interrupt! But if you and your honey are finished doing it, put on some pants and get out here!”

  I said, “Nana?”

  “Of course it’s Nana, who else would it be? Come on out!”

  “Um, okay. I just need to find….”

  “Your pants?”

  “Um…maybe.” I grabbed a pair of jeans, which turned out to be TJ’s. He sat up groggily and rubbed his eyes, and I deposited the jeans on his lap as I told him, “We’ve got company. Get dressed.”

  Nana sounded even closer when she said, “Were you doing some of that cosplaying I’ve heard about?”

  “What?”

  She said, “If you like to make love while dressed as Batman, that’s none of my business. But the bat signal you stuck on your tent doesn’t look quite right. It looks more like a giant moth. That’s not a criticism, I’m just saying.”

  I whispered, “Good lord,” then called as I wiggled into my jeans, “It is a moth, Nana. Can you shoo it away or something?”

  “A moth, sweet baby Jesus!” She yelled even louder, “Dante! Dante, get over here and look at this. Have you ever seen anything like it?”

  Dante’s arrival was announced with a crunch of leaves under foot, and it sounded like he was right outside the tent when he swore under his breath, then said, “I’m going to Google it. Stand back, Nana, let me get a picture.”

  She asked, “Why can’t I be in the shot?”

  Dante sighed and told her, “Fine, go ahead.”

  TJ and I put on our T-shirts and glanced at each other. All of a sudden, there was an excited yip right outside, and the front of the tent folded in on itself before springing back into place. I heard Nana’s husband Ollie yelling, “No, Diego Rivera, leave that big bastard alone! What’s the moth ever done to you?” We could hear the Chihuahua protesting, presumably as his owner picked him up.

  “Is the moth still there?” I asked.

  Dante said, “Yup. Oh hey, here it is. I searched ‘freakishly big insects in California’ and I actually found it. The thing’s called a Black Witch moth. It’s not the season for them, I wonder what it’s doing here.”

  “Traumatizing me,” I muttered.

  Dante said, “It’s perfectly harmless. Just creepy as all hell.”

  I unzipped the privacy flap on the door, revealing the underside of the moth, and said, “Pretty much. Can you get it off?”

  Dante frowned and waved his hand at it, then stepped back quickly. “I don’t think it wants to go.”

  His brother Vincent appeared behind him and asked, “What’re we all looking at?”

  “Zachary and your father-in-law are pinned down by a huge flying insect. Get it off of there,” Dante told him, gesturing at the tent.

  Vincent took one look at the moth, turned and walked the other way. “I don’t want to piss it off. I can just imagine that thing flying at me and flapping in my face.” He shuddered dramatically before he disappeared from sight.

  Trevor and his son Josh were the next to join the gawker gallery, and Trevor asked, “What’s this about a giant moth?” As soon as he noticed it, he exclaimed, “Well, damn.”

  “Oh man, that thing’s gnarly,” Josh said, whipping out his phone. He started to film the insect, then added, “Hi there Zachary and TJ. I didn’t notice you at first. How long have you been trapped in the tent?”

  “Since just after breakfast. Could you convince the moth to relocate? I really need to pee,” I said.

  “Can’t you, like, smack it from the underside? Just wait until I get out of the way,” he said.

  “We tried that. The moth was unimpressed, but I guess I’ll try again.” I poked the moth gingerly with the corner of a pillow, and everyone outside jumped back. The moth just swayed on the screening.

  “He’s pretty fearless. Or possibly dead,” Josh said, advancing again for a tight shot.

  Darwin appeared behind Josh and said, “Hey, what did I miss? Um, hi Mr. Dean.”

  Trevor said, “Hi, I’m glad you could make it. Were your parents alright with you spending the night?”

  “I turned eighteen at the end of October and moved out, so they don’t get a vote anymore,” Darwin mumbled.

  “Oh! I didn’t realize it had been your birthday. Josh didn’t say anything,” Trevor said.

  “Because I was going to broadcast the fact that my boyfriend’s technically an adult now,” Josh muttered.

  Darwin leaned close to the door, tossed his head to get the hair out of his eyes, and said, “Oh hey, a Black Witch moth! I’ve always wanted to see one of these in person. There are a lot of legends about them. Some cultures think they’re good luck and associate their appearance with winning money. Others think they’re a harbinger of death.” He glanced through the mesh and added, “Hi there, Zachary and Mr. Dean. I mean, TJ. Do you want me to move this guy for you?”

  “That’d be pretty freaking awesome,” I said.

  Darwin looked around, picked up a flat piece of bark, and carefully slid it under the insect. The thing folded its wings back and let itself be lifted off the tent. “Safe travels, buddy,” Darwin said as he stepped back and extended his arm over his head. The moth slowly folded and unfolded its wings, as if it was warming up, then took off into the sky. The kid’s smile was radiant as he watched it fly away.

  We got out of the tent as Josh beamed at his boyfriend and said, “Thanks for coming, and for saving the day. Why do you know so much about moths?”

  “Because they’re cool,” Darwin said, craning his neck to catch a last glimpse of the insect. “Have you ever asked yourself why people are gaga over butterflies but hate moths? So many of them are just as beautiful, or more so. Plus, most of them are nocturnal, aside from the handful that are crepuscular and diurnal, obviously. I think that just adds to their coolness factor.”

  “God, I love it when you let your nerd flag fly,” Josh said with a big smile, and Darwin grinned shyly and bumped his shoulder against his boyfriend’s. The teen seemed to remember he had an audience then, and cleared his throat as he colored slightly. When he tilted his head down, he disappeared behind a curtain of hair.

  TJ and I had gotten our shoes on by that point, and I said, “Um, we’re going to grab our stuff and go clean up a bit. Are you all staying? I mean, did you bring stuff to camp?”

  Nana was a few feet away, trying to get her huge, hairy dog to sit as she held his rhinestone-studded leash. For reasons I couldn’t begin to comprehend, she’d named the mutt Tom Selleck. She was wearing a velour, camouflage track suit, which was also mystifying, and she called, “We’re all set, you don’t have to worry about us! My friend Mr. Mario knows someone who just started a glamping business, so we rented everything we’ll need.”

  I asked, “What’s glamping?”

  “Oh, it’s all the rage now,” she exclaimed. “It’s short for glamorous camping, which sounds like an oxymoron, I know. Basically, instead of camping the usual way, you stay in something luxurious, in this case, a dolled up trailer, and maybe you eat fancy stuff, like, I dunno, lobster tails instead of beanie wienies. Me, I like beanie wienies, so I don’t think we have to glamp it up too much!”

  “I see.”

  Nana beamed delightedly. “I have to say, this is exciting! I don’t remember the last time I went camping. It’s awfully nice to just up and do something spontaneous for a change!” A car horn honked, and Nana looked over her shoulder, then turned and waved enthusiastically to three drag queens in a 1950s lavender Cadillac. They were towing a matching, mid-century trailer behind them with gingham curtains and white flower boxes full of plastic daisies.

  I took that in for a beat, then turned to Josh and Darwin and said, “Come for a walk with us.”

  TJ and I grabbed our backpacks from the car, and the teens fell into step with us as we headed to the restrooms. Every campsite we passed was full of Dombrusos, drag queens, or some combination of the two. I asked, “So, how did this snowball
from Sunday brunch with you two and Josh’s dads to a full-scale Dombruso invasion? I’m not complaining, I’m just curious.”

  Josh grinned. “You’ve met Nana, you know how it goes. One of my dads called her to let her know we might not make it back to the city in time for Sunday dinner. When he told her where we were going, she got all excited and said she’d been wanting to give this glamping thing a try. She then called everyone and told them there was a change of venue for Sunday’s family dinner. Apparently she’s excited to cook dinner over a campfire.”

  “I’m surprised so many people just dropped everything and headed down here.”

  “Well, not all her dinner guests could make it, but we picked up a few extra people along the way, including Mr. Mario and several of his friends, who were performing in drag at a charity event,” Josh explained. “One of the drag queens owns the glamping company, and we rented half a dozen trailers from him. They’re hilarious. Our trailer is dinosaur-themed, don’t ask me why. It’s like glamping wasn’t weird enough, so this guy dialed it up a few notches.”

  “Where am I going to sleep?” Darwin asked. “I doubt your dads are going to be very enthusiastic about us bunking together.”

  TJ spoke up for the first time since the invasion began. “Maybe Nana or Dante can find room for you in their trailers, but if not, you can have our tent, and we’ll figure something else out. It’s not as exciting as the amusement parks on wheels, but it’ll get the job done.”

  “Thanks, I appreciate that,” Darwin said.

  When we’d almost reached the restrooms, Darwin drew in his breath sharply and doubled over, and Josh grabbed his boyfriend’s arm and exclaimed, “Are you alright, D?”

  Darwin exhaled slowly and straightened up, grimacing as he said, “I’m fine. My Ace bandage is just too tight. I had a stabbing pain for a minute, but it passed.”

  “You’re not supposed to use Ace bandages, Darwin, you know that! They cut off your circulation,” Josh said.