Who I Used to Be

by Alexa Land

  “I know, but it’s not like I had a choice. My parents threw away all my binders right before I moved out and I haven’t had a chance to buy new ones.” I was lost for a moment, until I realized he was talking about a device to flatten his chest. “This is my first day off in two weeks. I should have stopped off and bought a proper binder this afternoon, but I was excited to see you, so I hurried down here. I was also scared about seeing your family, so I wasn’t thinking very clearly.”

  “I can’t believe your parents did that to you.” Josh looked heartbroken.

  “Tell you what,” TJ said. “After Zachary and I take quick showers, we’ll drive you to Santa Cruz to do some shopping. It’s not far. In the meantime, maybe you can rewrap your bandage to give yourself a little more breathing room.”

  “Thank you so much, Mr. Dean. I mean, TJ.” Darwin headed into the men’s room ahead of us, and Josh grabbed his grandfather in a hug.

  “Thanks for being so nice to him,” Josh whispered. “He’s been sleeping on our friend Emma’s couch, and I think he’s been kind of lost since he’s been out on his own. It means everything to him to feel like he has some support.”

  “I’m glad to help,” TJ said softly.

  After we used the facilities, took two-minute showers and got dressed in clean clothes, the teens met us at our car. Josh looked around and said, “You guys are totally boxed in.”

  He was right. Our campsite seemed to have become the hub of all the activity. A big ring of camp chairs had been set up around our fire pit, and a lot of people were milling around. Meanwhile, someone was backing a trailer into the space directly across from ours and blocking the road.

  Nana and Ollie were nearby, and when she asked what we were doing, Josh told her, “We need to run a super important errand for Darwin, but TJ’s car is boxed in.”

  “Come with me,” she said, grabbing Josh’s hand and towing him toward her campsite. “Ollie and I can drive you boys wherever you need to go. Our car’s right over there.”

  “Oh. Um, it’s kind of…a personal errand, Nana,” Josh explained.

  She said, “I won’t be nosy, cross my heart!” She drew a big X on her chest with her finger. “Ollie and I will wait in the car while you do what you need to do.”

  Josh looked at Darwin, who said, “It’s fine, we can go with them. Do you think maybe Zachary and TJ could come along, too?”

  “The convertible can hold five,” Nana said. “It’ll be a little cozy, but it’s doable.”

  I told my boyfriend, “Go ahead, I’ll stay here and hold down the fort.”

  TJ kissed my cheek and said, “See you in a couple hours,” before following his grandson.

  After they took off, I felt a light tap on my shoulder, and when I spun around, I exclaimed, “Elijah! What are you doing here?”

  “I have no idea, actually. Somehow going to Nana’s for Sunday dinner turned into this.” The kid looked a bit overwhelmed. He tucked his blond hair behind his ear, which I’d come to realize was a nervous habit.

  “It caught TJ and me off guard too, but I guess we’ll all survive camping Dombruso-style somehow.” We sat down at the picnic table, and I asked, “Did all four of you make it?”

  Elijah shook his head. “Finn’s workin’ tonight, but he’s gonna drive down in the morning.”

  “Have you talked to Colt yet?”

  “No. I’ve been tryin’ to work up my nerve. I was plannin’ on it this weekend, then all this happened.”

  “I’m here if you need moral support,” I reminded him.

  “This is so hard,” he said. “I keep tryin’ to figure out the right thing to say so it’ll hurt less, but there’s no nice way to break up with someone who loves you.”

  “You’re breaking up with me?” We both turned to look behind us. Colt stood a few feet away with a stunned expression on his face. “Seriously?”

  Elijah leapt to his feet and tried to steady himself by reaching for the table with a shaky hand. “I’m so sorry, Colt. I didn’t mean for you to find out like this!”

  “No, you wanted to break up with me in a nice way, I heard. You’re right, there’s no such fucking thing!”

  He turned and started to walk away, and Elijah called, “Colt, wait! Please, let me explain!”

  “There’s nothing to explain. I thought you loved me! Obviously I was wrong.”

  “I do love you! Just—”

  “Just not enough, apparently!” When Elijah tried to follow, Colt turned on him and snapped, “Don’t. Just don’t. I’m not interested in your excuses or explanations, and I really don’t want to see your face right now.”

  Colt stalked away while Elijah stood rooted in place, staring after him. After a few moments, I touched his shoulder and asked if he was okay, and Elijah threw himself into my arms. He didn’t make a sound as he cried. His tears soaked the front of my shirt while his slender body shook violently. I did the only thing I could do. I held on tight.

  *****

  When Chance found us maybe twenty minutes later, Elijah was sitting beside me at the picnic table with his face buried in my shoulder. The boy had stopped crying, but his thin body was still trembling. I held him securely and rested my cheek on top of his head as Chance said gently, “Colt wants to go home. Elijah, what do you want to do?”

  His always soft voice was barely audible when he asked, “Can I stay here with Zachary?”

  “Sure, if that’s alright with him.” I nodded, and Chance asked me, “Can you bring him back to the city when he’s ready to go?”

  “Of course.”

  Chance knelt down so he could see the boy’s face. “Is there anything you need before I take off, Eli?”

  Elijah shook his head, and then he whispered, “I’m so sorry, Chance. Please don’t hate me.”

  Chance touched his arm reassuringly. “I could never hate you, Elijah. You’re a part of my family, and that’s forever. I need you to know that. I’ve actually been expecting this for a while, to be honest. I knew you and my brother had been growing apart since you moved to California, so I figured it was just a matter of time before you broke up.”

  Elijah sniffed and sat up a bit. “I never meant to hurt him. I swear.”

  “I know. I also know you feel horrible right now, but I’m going to tell you the same thing I told Colt: I promise it won’t always hurt this bad, and I honestly believe you two are going to end up as friends down the road.”

  “I hope so.”

  Chance stood up and said, “I’d better get my brother home. I’ll talk to you both soon.” He kissed the top of Elijah’s head and said, “Text me if you need anything.” Elijah nodded, and Chance glanced at me and held his hand up to say goodbye before he headed to his car.

  “I was sure he’d be so mad at me for hurting his brother like that,” Elijah whispered. After a pause, he said, “I wonder what Finn’s reaction will be. I’d started to think of him almost like my papa. I mean, I know that’s dumb. He’s my legal guardian, that’s it. He’s not nearly old enough to be my dad, and it’s not like he signed on for that job anyway. Still though, he always made me feel safe and cared for, like a dad should. I don’t know what I’ll do if he stops caring about me.”

  “He won’t. I know that for an absolute fact,” I said. “Why don’t you use my tent and give him a call? You’ll have a little privacy in there.”

  “My phone doesn’t have any service here,” he told me.

  “Mine does.” I pulled it from my pocket and handed it to him.

  A deep voice behind me said, “I didn’t mean to eavesdrop, but he can use my trailer if he wants to. It’s got four solid walls and a door that locks, so it’s pretty private.” I glanced over my shoulder and was surprised to see Sawyer, the guy I’d met at Jessie’s wedding. He looked startled for a moment, as if I was the last person he was expecting to see. Then he pulled up a poker face, pointed to the lavender trailer in the campsite directly across from mine and said, “It’s right there.”

 
I turned to Elijah and asked, “Would you like to use the trailer?” He nodded and headed across the road, clutching the phone with both hands. I watched him go and sighed quietly.

  Sawyer came around to my side of the picnic table and sat down beside me. He was dressed all in black, including a leather motorcycle jacket, a T-shirt and shorts, combat boots, and black stockings with garters. I hadn’t seen that last part coming. He watched Elijah disappear into the trailer and muttered, “Is there anything worse than that very first breakup? You couldn’t pay me to go back in time and relive that shit.” Then Sawyer turned to me and said, “It’s nice to see you again, Zachary. I didn’t know you’d be here.”

  “You too. Did you come with one of the Dombrusos?”

  He shook his head. “I’m here with a couple friends, Reese and Ari. They were performing in drag at a charity event this afternoon, and I was with them, helping out behind the scenes. Ari owns a glamping business, and another performer, a friend of Nana Dombruso’s, got a call asking about the trailers. Somehow that snowballed into all of us going on this impromptu excursion.”

  “I see.”

  He turned his head and studied a spot in the distance, and after a moment, he said, “You’re wondering about the stockings, right?”

  “Nah. It surprised me at first, just because that didn’t fit with what I thought I knew about you. But then, I really don’t know you at all, so I shouldn’t assume anything.”

  He told me, “Being dressed like this while out in public is way outside my comfort zone. I usually go to great lengths to hide this side of me. If you knew about my life, my family, you’d get why. But I met Reese and Ari a couple months ago while browsing at a thrift shop, and they’ve been encouraging me to push my boundaries. Let’s just say it’s still a work in progress.”

  “I think you’re brave.”

  Sawyer turned his gaze on me, and I was struck once again by the uniqueness of his light blue and sapphire eyes. “Not even a little. When I realized I knew you, my first impulse was to run and hide. I didn’t expect anyone to recognize me out here.”

  “I’m glad to see you again, Sawyer.”

  “Same here, now that my initial horror at being caught in lingerie has passed.” He grinned at me and crossed his long legs, and then he said, “I went by your work a couple times after the wedding, because we’d talked about having a drink, but I kept missing you. I gave up after a while.”

  “Thanks for trying.”

  He leaned back and put his elbows on the table behind him. “So, you just got a crash course in Sawyer, now give me one on Zachary. Tell me what you’ve been doing since that wedding back in August.”

  “That’s a long story. How much time do you have?”

  “All the time in the world.”

  “Good. There’s a lot to tell. Part of this story gets fairly dark, but spoiler alert: it has a happy ending.”

  “Wonderful,” he said, flashing a wide smile. “I like those.”

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  By the time TJ returned with Nana, Ollie and the two teenagers, I’d filled Sawyer in on the high- and low-lights of the last few months of my life. Also during that time, someone had decided it was happy hour and set up a full bar on my picnic table. Given what I knew about TJ’s childhood, I refrained from drinking, just because I didn’t know how comfortable he’d be with it. But he accepted the cocktail given to him by Nana’s friend Mr. Mario before sitting beside me and kissing my cheek.

  When TJ asked what he’d missed, I introduced him to Sawyer and told him what had happened with Elijah. “I checked on him a few minutes ago and brought him a sandwich,” I said. “Elijah’s under the covers in that purple trailer across the way, and he’s still depressed, but at least he’s not crying anymore. He had a long talk with Finn, which seemed to help. I think he needed Finn’s reassurance that he’ll always be a part of the family.”

  “Poor kid,” TJ said. “Oh, I meant to tell you I cleaned out the sun porch for him and got an inflatable bed to put back there. I wanted to be ready, just in case.”

  “Thank you for doing that.”

  “Of course.” I asked him how the shopping trip went, and he told me, “It was a success. We found a shop that had exactly what Darwin needed. He decided to confide in Nana on the way to Santa Cruz about what he was shopping for, and he also told her a little about his family and how unsupportive they’ve been. She insisted on buying him a whole selection of binders and some new clothes, too. He was so happy.”

  “Nice. I’m glad they bonded.”

  “They did. In fact, Nana told Darwin he can stay with her as long as he needs to,” TJ said. “You should have seen Josh’s face. I’ve never seen the kid look happier.”

  “That’s so much better than crashing on a friend’s couch.”

  TJ nodded and took a sip of his drink. “This is good. Aren’t you two having any?”

  “I guess I will.” I turned to Sawyer and asked, “What about you? Care for a cocktail?”

  His focus was on something in one of the other campsites, and he muttered, “Well, shit.”

  “What’s wrong?”

  “Kai and Jessie just arrived. I had no idea they’d be here.”

  “And your best friend doesn’t know about the lingerie,” I guessed.

  Sawyer nodded, still watching our friends across the road. “I can’t explain why I’ve always kept this from him, and why I really don’t want to tell him now, but…shit, they’re coming this way.” He leapt up and said, “Do me a favor and don’t say anything, okay? I’m going to change. And yeah, I do know that I’m being a coward right now.”

  “Go do what makes you comfortable,” I said. “We won’t say a word.” Sawyer mumbled a thank you before rushing off.

  “Hi guys,” Jessie said when he, his husband, and their six-year-old daughter joined us a minute later. “How’s it going?”

  “Great! Kai, I’m not sure if you know TJ.”

  “Trevor’s dad, yeah,” Kai said as they shook hands. “We met at something last year, I can’t recall what.”

  “I was thrilled when I heard you two got together,” Jessie told us. “Do you remember when I introduced you at Nana’s Christmas party?”

  TJ smiled and said, “Zachary only vaguely remembered. I couldn’t forget.”

  When I leaned in and kissed my boyfriend, Jessie exclaimed, “Aw, you’re so cute together!”

  I grinned embarrassedly, then turned to Jessie and changed the subject by saying, “Hey, I’ve been meaning to ask if you and Kai would help me with something. I’ve been shopping for a cheap but reliable used car, and since you’re both mechanics, I was wondering if you could take a look at whatever I find before I buy it and tell me if it’s a total clunker.”

  “You know you can use my car any time you want to,” TJ said.

  “It’s not for me, it’s for Gabriel.” I explained to Jessie and Kai, “A friend of mine is in recovery and seems to be having a tough time of it. He’s pretty isolated in a small, rural town and doesn’t have a way to get to a counselor or a support group. Now that I’m working again, I can afford to get him some basic transportation and send him a gas card every month. I hope it’ll help him.”

  Kai said, “We’ll do you one better than just checking out what you find. We hear about cars all the time that people want to get rid of, or that are on their way to the junkyard. A lot of times, they still have some life left in them. Next time something salvageable comes along, we’ll bring it to our garage and fix it up for your friend. No charge, of course. It’s going to a good cause.”

  “I couldn’t ask you to work for free,” I said. “I have a little money, I can pay.”

  “Save it for the gas cards. We’re happy to help,” Jessie said.

  I was floored. “Thank you both. That’s so nice of you.”

  Their daughter, who’d been drawing in the dirt with a stick, suddenly announced, “Squirrel!” I thought that was hilarious. She then went dashing into the
underbrush after whatever random critter had caught her eye, with Kai right on her heels.

  Jessie grinned and said, “I’d better help corral her, but let’s talk later! I’ve missed you.”

  “Sorry I’ve been so out of touch. I was dealing with a lot, but it’s gotten much better.”

  “I’m proud of you, Zachary. You’ve come a long way.”

  I told him, “I appreciated all the texts you sent when I was going through the worst of it. It helped knowing you were in my corner.”

  “I always will be.”

  Jessie hugged me, and when we stepped back, I said, “Alright, go catch that kidlet. Oh, and congratulations on moving into your new apartment. I’m looking forward to seeing it.”

  “Thanks! We’re going to have a housewarming,” he called as he took off at a jog. “You’re both invited!” Jessie disappeared into the bushes.

  I swung my leg around and straddled TJ’s lap, supporting myself with my knees on the picnic table’s bench. After I kissed him, I said, “Hi.”

  He smiled at me. “Hi yourself.”

  We kissed for another minute, and then I whispered, “How much do you hate the fact that our romantic getaway has turned into a three-ring circus?”

  “Well, this campground isn’t far from home. We can come back any time we want, just the two of us. As for the circus…I kind of like it, believe it or not. I’d often see huge family groups like this when I went camping by myself, and it looked like they were having fun. This time, I get to be right in the thick of it. It’s an interesting change of perspective.” He ran his hands down my back and kissed me again.

  Nana bustled into our campsite just then with a different cocktail in each hand and said, “I don’t know why we don’t go camping more often, this is fun! I’ve got a nice meal planned for Sunday dinner tomorrow night, too. I don’t know what we’re all doing for food this evening, but I guess we’ll figure it out.” Her big, brown mutt and the Chihuahua ran past her, and she exclaimed, “Balls! They busted out of their doggie playpen!” She turned and yelled, “Dante, try to catch ‘em before they get us kicked out of here for violating the leash law! The ranger at the park entrance was pretty uptight about that.”