Who I Used to Be

by Alexa Land

  TJ held his gaze steadily. “I’d do anything for him.”

  After an awkward pause, my dad scratched his cheek and said, “Maybe if that team of high-priced suits manages to do their job, you and I can have a beer when I get out of here. I’d like to get to know the man my son’s so crazy about.”

  “Definitely. Well, I should leave you two alone so you can say goodbye. Good to meet you, Mel.”

  “You too, TJ.”

  My boyfriend offered me a shy smile before opening the door to the lobby. I turned to the guard and said, “Mr. Peralta, can I introduce my dad to the guy who’s paying for the lawyers?”

  “If you mean Alastair Wilde, go ahead. He was on the approved list for this meeting.”

  I called Alastair in, and he seemed delighted as he and my dad shook hands. “I have a good feeling about the retrial, Mr. Paleki,” he said. “The lawyers seem quite optimistic, which is far from their norm.”

  “I want you to know I’m grateful,” my dad said, “not only for the legal help, but for being a friend to my son.” He looked at TJ and added, “I’m grateful for what you’ve done for him, too. I always worried about Zachary, because he tends to isolate himself. It means a hell of a lot to see him surrounded by people who care about him, even if some of them are my age.” I frowned at him, and my dad grinned a little.

  After TJ and Alastair returned to the lobby, my dad raised an eyebrow at me. “You’re dating an ex-con.”

  “Yup. I’m going to marry him too, when we’re ready.”

  “Why did he go to prison?”

  “His drug addiction got out of control, just like mine did. He ended up selling meth to support his habit. But he got clean and served his time.”

  My dad considered that for a moment, then said, “He’s also a grandfather.”

  “Whatever. He was seventeen when he became a dad, and he’s obviously very young to be a grandparent. You know, you really need to let the age thing go. It’s only an issue because you’ve decided to make it into one.”

  “I’ll work on that. I actually kind of like him, despite myself, even though he looks like a yuppie.”

  I sighed at that. “He can’t win with you. He got a haircut just this morning for today’s meeting, and it’s the first time I’ve ever seen him in a suit. If he’d shown up with shaggy hair and a baggy T-shirt and jeans like he normally wears, you probably would have called him a hippie instead.”

  “What? I just said I like him.”

  “Good. You should.”

  “You said he has a job, right?”

  I rolled my eyes. “Yes, he has a job. He owns a TV repair business and is the superintendent of his apartment building. I told you that. I also told you about the wind-up toys we’re both making in my last letter, and how we’ve started selling them.”

  “Yeah, you seemed excited about those. I’m glad you finally found something that interests you. Besides dating old guys, obviously.”

  “Oh my God!”

  My dad chuckled and said, “I’m glad to see it’s still way too easy to ruffle your feathers.”

  I gave him a hug and said, “I love you, Dad. I’m going to say goodbye before we get interrupted. I’ll see you soon, though. The lawyer said I’ll be sitting in on one more of the pretrial meetings.”

  My dad kissed the side of my head. “I love you more than anything, Sloneczko. And yeah, I know you’re too old for that nickname, but tough. I like it.”

  “I do, too.”

  “Good.” He let go of me and said, “Thanks for trying to get me out of here, Zachary. We shouldn’t get our hopes up, because it might not work out. But even if nothing comes of this retrial, it was still totally worth it just to get to see you.” I hugged my dad one more time, and left just as the door at the back of the room opened. I couldn’t bear the thought of watching him get chained up again.

  TJ and I walked to the parking lot with Alastair, and I gave my friend a hug. “I seriously can’t thank you enough,” I said. “No matter what ends up happening, getting to see my dad was an incredible gift.”

  Alastair looked pleased. “Glad to help, and thanks for introducing us.”

  “Least I could do.”

  After Alastair drove off in his red sports car, TJ and I got in his Mini, and I leaned over and gave him a kiss. “My dad likes you,” I told him.

  “You’re kidding.”

  “Nope. He actually said that, begrudgingly. He’s not ready to jump for joy over our age difference, but that’s alright.”

  TJ smiled at me and cupped my cheek with his palm. “It’s nice to see you looking so happy.”

  “I don’t know what I was worried about. It was wonderful to see my dad. By the end, it felt just like old times.”

  “I’m so glad.”

  “We should celebrate,” I said. “Maybe we can go out to dinner or something.”

  “We can do that this weekend. Tonight, we’re going to Thanksgiving 2.0 at Chance’s house.”

  “Oh, right. I forgot for a minute.” I found my phone and pressed the on-button as TJ turned the key in the ignition. Then I asked, “Has Elijah called you? I bet he’s still worried about tonight. I turned my phone off during the meeting.”

  “Actually, I forgot my phone at home,” TJ said. “I was pretty distracted this morning, between the STD test and worrying about meeting your father. I was sure he was going to punch me in the face.”

  “I was so freaked out about it last night, but today, seeing my dad completely overshadowed my worries about the test results.”

  I had a voicemail from a number I didn’t recognize. When I hit play, the message said, “Hey, this is Farzad from the Community Health Clinic. I’ll be in the office until eight tonight, and I need you and TJ to come in at your earliest convenience so we can discuss your test results.”

  “Oh God.” As fear twisted my insides, I whispered, “The clinic called and asked us to come in. They don’t do that if the results are negative.”

  TJ turned to look at me. He made a real effort to fix a neutral expression on his face, but he was too late. I’d already seen the terror in his eyes.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  TJ and I hesitated in front of the health center. I had a death grip on his hand. When we’d called the clinic after listening to that voicemail, the counselor had told us he couldn’t give out any information over the phone. The two-hour drive back to the city had been the longest of my life.

  “We can’t assume the worst,” TJ said, trying to sound confident. “You were tested for a whole panel of STDs, many of which aren’t a big deal.”

  I murmured, “I’m so fucking scared.”

  He pulled me into an embrace. “This is going to be okay Zachary, I promise. Whatever happens, we’re going to face it together. We just need to go inside and find out the test results, because we might be worried for nothing.” I nodded and took a deep breath.

  When we finally went into the clinic, we were greeted by Farzad, the same guy with a beard who’d talked to us the night before. He flashed his friendly smile and said, “Thanks for coming in.”

  “What did the test show?” I blurted.

  “Let’s go into my office.” He was so calm. “Do you want to hear the results together or separately? You both signed the waiver that allows me to discuss your information with your partner, but it’s up to you, of course.”

  “Together, please,” TJ said, and we followed the counselor into a small office that was obviously designed to put people at ease. Between the clinic’s cheerful orange and green color scheme and the bright prints of a beach and a mountain range, it felt like a surreal travel agency. My heart pounded in my ears as we sat in the matching green chairs, and Farzad took a seat behind the tidy desk.

  “The suspense is killing me,” I mumbled, as the counselor selected a file from a stack on a side table.

  “I’m sorry,” he said. “I know the policy of not giving out information over the phone can be stressful, but we do that with
our clients’ best interest in mind. We need you to be here in the office when we discuss your results, so we can make sure everyone fully understands their diagnosis and can ask questions.”

  “I get it. So what did my test show?” I was so nervous that I’d started to shake.

  Farzad pulled a printout from the folder and placed it in front of my boyfriend as he told me, “Actually, these aren’t your results.” He directed his gaze at TJ and said, “There’s no easy way to break this news, so I’m just going to say it. You tested positive for HIV, TJ. Whenever we get that result, we run the test a second time. The second test came back positive as well.”

  I was overcome with grief, and I exclaimed, “Oh God, I gave you HIV! TJ, I’m so sorry! I’ll never forgive myself!”

  Farzad’s voice was calm and steady as he said, “Actually, Zachary, your results came back negative across the board. But as the partner of a person with HIV, we need to discuss starting you on a PrEP prescription to assure you stay negative.”

  I stammered, “Are you sure about my results?”

  The counselor nodded. “We ran your test a second time as well, given your partner’s diagnosis, and confirmed that you’re negative. He didn’t contract it from you.”

  I turned to TJ. He looked completely stunned. “But…I was celibate for three years, and I got tested after my last relationship ended. How could I test positive now when I didn’t then?”

  “It’s possible that your viral load was still undetectable at that time,” Farzad said. “Had you been retested six months or a year after that first result, it may have shown up then.”

  All the color had drained from TJ’s face. He sounded so lost when he whispered, “But I was in a monogamous relationship for several years before that test. If Reg was HIV-positive, he would have told me.”

  Farzad said, “It’s important that you contact your ex-boyfriend and urge him to get tested. He might not be aware of his status.”

  TJ shook his head. “He and I were both tested early on, and our results came back negative. That’s why we decided we didn’t need condoms, because we were in a monogamous, long-term relationship. Neither of us could have given the other HIV.”

  “Unless he cheated on you,” I said softly.

  TJ turned to me with wide, fearful eyes. “He wouldn’t do that to me. Would he? Sure, we had our problems, but we promised each other we’d be faithful and I believed him.”

  I put my hand on his and said, “You need to talk to him.” TJ nodded absently.

  Farzad’s voice was gentle as he said, “I know this is a lot to process. I’ve had to deliver this news to hundreds of people in my ten years at the clinic, and I’ve learned it’s too overwhelming to discuss treatment right this minute. Take the weekend, give yourself some time to come to terms with the diagnosis. We can schedule a time on Monday to come up with TJ’s treatment plan. There are different options, including drug trials if the cost of medicine is an issue.”

  The counselor turned to me and added, “Zachary, we’ll also discuss starting you on PrEP when you come back in. I’ll give you a handout on the benefits of the drug, along with the possible risks and side effects. Study it over the weekend, so you can make an informed decision. The medicine is highly effective in preventing HIV, even when someone’s at high risk for contracting the disease, but you need to decide if it’s right for you.” All of that was almost too much to process, and I nodded absently.

  “Even when someone’s at high risk,” TJ repeated. He got up and took a step backwards as he whispered, “You were so worried about passing something on to me, but all this time, I was the one endangering you.”

  I got up too and said, “No you weren’t. We’ve been safe all along, and now we’ll take even more precautions.”

  He stared at me for a long moment, his eyes brimming with tears, and then he whispered, “I need some time. I just…I have to think.”

  TJ left the office in a daze. I started to go after him, but Farzad called, “This is just a suggestion, but maybe give him what he asked for, Zachary, a little time.”

  I turned to him and said, “But…he shouldn’t have to deal with this alone.”

  The counselor got up and circled around the desk to me. His voice was kind as he said, “He won’t. He knows you love him, and he’ll come to you when he’s ready. Right now, he just needs to process this news. You both do.”

  My voice broke as I whispered, “I’m so scared for him, Farzad.”

  “I know. It’s obvious you two love each other, and he’s very lucky in that respect. I deliver this news to plenty of people who are completely alone, and I worry about them. TJ has you, and he has a support network. I remember you talking about your friends and family last night when you were waiting to be tested. Once you get past this initial shock, you and TJ are going to deal with this as a team. You’ll decide on treatment options, and you’re going to make sure he gets the help he needs. But first, you both just need to let this news sink in.”

  I mumbled, “Yeah, you’re right….”

  He handed me a business card and a brochure on PrEP, which I stuck in my pocket. “Call me on Monday so we can talk about TJ’s treatment options and discuss starting you on that medication. If you need anything or have questions over the weekend, there’s a twenty-four hour AIDS hotline at the bottom of this card. You can always call me, too. I’ll be in the office or in the mobile testing center most of the weekend.”

  I thanked him and wandered out of the clinic and into the bustling neighborhood. I wrapped my arms around my chest to shield myself from the crowds on the sidewalk, and I returned to where we’d parked. The Mini was still there. I looked all around, but TJ was nowhere to be seen. I sat on the hood, hugged my knees to my chest, and waited for him to come back.

  *****

  After an hour, it became obvious he wasn’t returning for the car, so I texted Elijah to find out if TJ had come home. My phone rang a few seconds later, and the moment I answered, Elijah asked, “Why don’t you know where TJ is?”

  “He just needed to go off by himself for a while.”

  “Did something happen at the prison?”

  “No, that all went well.”

  “Is it that test you were worried about? Did you get bad news?”

  “Don’t worry, Elijah, it’s going to be alright.”

  “Zachary, please tell me you’re okay!”

  “I’m fine, I promise.”

  “But TJ isn’t,” he guessed.

  I hesitated, then said, “He should be the one to talk to you about this.”

  “Oh God, that’s a yes. Poor TJ! Where would he go after gettin’ news like that?”

  “I don’t know. He just needed some time alone. In the meantime, I need to figure out how to get in touch with his ex-boyfriend, because there’s something I need to ask him.”

  “TJ’s phone is right here on the coffee table. I know the password, because TJ lets me use it whenever mine’s out of charge. Do you want me to look up that guy’s number?”

  “Yeah, okay. All I know is his first name, which is Reg, or Regulus.”

  Elijah fell silent for a few moments, then said, “He isn’t in TJ’s address book.”

  “You sure?”

  “There aren’t even a dozen names in here. It’s not like I had to search a giant database.”

  “Thanks for checking,” I said. “Murphy might know how to find Reg, I’ll give him a call.”

  “I’m scared, Zachary. What’s going to happen with TJ?”

  “It really is going to be okay, Elijah. We’re going to do everything we can to help him. For now though, he needs some time, and you need to get to your family dinner. They’re expecting us pretty soon. There’s some cash in my backpack, use it to take a cab. I’ll text Chance and let him know TJ and I can’t make it.”

  “I’m not going without you,” Elijah said, “and I want to wait for TJ to get home so I know he’s alright.”

  “Your call.”

&
nbsp; “I’m texting Chance right now from TJ’s phone to tell him we can’t make it, and I’ll call you the minute TJ comes home.”

  “Thanks, I appreciate that.”

  “I’m glad I can help in some way,” he said.

  After we said goodbye, I messaged Chance myself with an apology for missing dinner, then dialed Murphy’s number. He answered with a cheery, “Hey Z, what’s up?”

  “Hi Murph, quick question: do you have an address or phone number for TJ’s last boyfriend?”

  “Nah. That guy was a douche nozzle, I wasn’t exactly calling him up to go grab a beer when he and TJ were dating. All I know is, he lived in Balboa Terrace back then, but I never went to the house.”

  “What’s his last name? Maybe I can search it.”

  “It’s du Marnier, but it won’t be listed. Rich people love their privacy.”

  “He’s rich?”

  “Yeah. Didn’t TJ tell you?”

  “Reg isn’t exactly his favorite subject.”

  Murph muttered, “No kidding.” Then he added, “Why are you trying to track that guy down?”

  “I need to ask him something.”

  “Why don’t you just get the number from TJ?”

  “He had to go somewhere tonight.”

  Murphy asked, “Is something wrong?”

  “Don’t worry. TJ will talk to you soon and tell you what’s going on.”

  “Alright. Tell him to call me.”

  “I will.”

  I sat there for a few minutes after we disconnected, tapping the phone against my knee and trying to decide whether I should contact the next person on my mental list. Trevor might know how to get ahold of Reg, but I’d have to be careful about what I said. He had to hear about what had happened from his dad, not me.

  And yes, I knew calling him was a dumb idea, but I was going crazy. I had to do something, besides sitting around worrying about where TJ was and how he was dealing with the diagnosis. And all I could do was track down Reg and ask him some questions…and possibly beat the shit out of him, depending on his answers.