Who I Used to Be

by Alexa Land

  Finally, I sent Trevor a text, asking if he knew how to get ahold of his father’s ex-boyfriend. Like Elijah, Trevor called me a few seconds later and asked, “Why are you asking me and not TJ?”

  “He’s not here right now.”

  “And meanwhile, you’re trying to track down his ex-boyfriend. Why is that?”

  “I need to ask him something.”

  I’d tried to keep my tone neutral, but I clearly failed, because Trevor said, “You sound angry. Did Reg do something to TJ?”

  “I don’t know.”

  I could practically hear his wheels turning over the phone, as he tried to piece together what was going on. Shit, calling him had been a terrible idea. After a pause, Trevor asked, “Are you planning to pick a fight with Reg du Marnier? If so, you’re probably going to get your ass kicked. He’s a big guy.”

  “I never said that’s what I’m doing.”

  “So, what then? And where’s my dad?”

  “TJ needed some time to himself this afternoon, and I just have to talk to Reg.”

  “Where are you right now, Zachary?”

  “Sitting on the hood of TJ’s car in the Castro.”

  “Do you have a set of keys to the Mini?”

  “Yeah. Why?”

  “Come get me. I’m at home, you know the address.”

  “TJ might come back for the car, I don’t want to move it.”

  “Okay, I’ll come get you, then. What’s your exact location?”

  “Why are you coming to get me?”

  “So we can go to Reg’s house.”

  “You know where he lives?”

  “Yup.”

  “Just tell me the address,” I said.

  “I can’t.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because I don’t actually know it, but I’ll recognize the house when I see it.”

  I sighed and said, “Fine. But don’t bring your family on this field trip, okay?” I had a feeling Josh would get the diagnosis out of me in about ten seconds flat.

  “I won’t. Vincent and Josh are actually out with my brother-in-law Mikey right now,” Trevor told me. Then he asked, “Is my dad okay, Zachary?”

  “Shit, I shouldn’t have texted you.”

  “Did something happen today? Did you two break up, and is Reg somehow involved?”

  “No, it’s nothing like that, and I can’t answer any more questions.”

  “What’s your location?” I sighed and told him where to find me, and he said, “See you soon.” Once we disconnected, I stuck the phone in my pocket and went back to hugging my knees to my chest.

  *****

  Trevor’s memory proved to be a bit rusty. Apparently he’d been driving through town with his dad once, and TJ had pointed out Reg’s house to him. “It’s really distinctive,” Trevor insisted. “I’ll know it when I see it again.”

  I gathered up my patience and said, “Take your time.”

  He was quiet for a minute or two before saying, “Ever since you texted, I’ve been trying to figure out what would send you after TJ’s ex-boyfriend three years down the road. There’s only one thing I can think of.”

  “Please don’t guess. I’ll just end up giving it away, and then I’ll hate myself.” Trevor sighed, but let it drop. After an awkward pause, I asked, “What’s Reg like?”

  “No idea, I never met him. He and TJ broke up before my dad came back into my life.”

  “Then how do you know he’s a big guy?”

  “I saw a photo of the two of them once, and he towered over my dad.”

  I raised an eyebrow at that. “Why would TJ show you a photo of his ex-boyfriend?”

  “He didn’t. The photo was in the newspaper with an article about some charity event Reg was a part of. It was a file photo, probably a year or two old. The caption read ‘Regulus du Marnier and friend.’ They couldn’t be bothered to include TJ’s name, apparently.”

  Trevor turned left, and I said, “We’ve already been down this street.”

  “I know. I must have missed it. I’m pretty sure we’ve driven through all of Balboa Terrace by now.”

  “If you and TJ were driving through town when he pointed out the house, wouldn’t that mean it’s on one of the bigger thoroughfares? You wouldn’t have been cruising down this dead end street.”

  As Trevor attempted a three-point turn (which turned into eight points, not that I was counting), he said, “We took a detour specifically to see the house. Vincent and I were house-hunting at the time, and I’d been trying to describe what we were looking for. TJ showed me Reg’s place as a point of reference. Oh wait, I think I just remembered how we got there.” He took a left, then a quick right, and after a moment, he pulled to the curb and announced, “There it is. I drove right past it the first time, because it’s a different color now.”

  “Jesus,” I muttered. “What does Reg do for a living, and can it possibly be legal?” The house was a towering, plum-colored Edwardian that looked like it belonged on the cover of a magazine.

  “He sold a tech start-up for a small fortune.” Well, lucky him.

  “Thanks for the ride and the help finding this place.” I got out of the SUV and added, “Talk to you soon,” before closing the door and heading for the steep staircase that led to the front door. But Trevor got out too and started to climb the stairs, and I turned to him and asked, “What are you doing?”

  “Going with you to confront Reg.”

  “You were just supposed to be my guide. This isn’t a team effort.”

  “If it involves my dad, then it involves me, too.”

  “I can’t do this if you’re with me. This is something you need to hear from TJ, and I’d be betraying my boyfriend’s trust by talking about it in front of you.”

  “I appreciate the fact that you’re trying to protect his privacy, but I have to know.” Trevor detained me with a light touch on my arm and met my gaze as he asked, “Does my dad have AIDS, Zachary? I’ve been thinking about it, and it has to be something like that. What else would still involve Reg, three years later, and make you want to seek him out? It’d be just like TJ to keep it from me, too. He always thinks he needs to shield me from bad news.”

  I was absolutely stunned that he’d zeroed in on it like that, and I must have given something away in my expression, even though I tried so hard not to. Trevor swore under his breath and sadness shone in his eyes. I whispered, “I didn’t want you to find out like this,” and he turned from me and took a deep breath.

  By the time he turned back around a minute later, he’d managed to fight down his emotions, and he asked quietly, “Did TJ pass it on to you? Is that what you found out today that made him run off by himself? He’d feel so guilty if that happened.”

  “No,” I said. “My results came back negative.”

  “How sick is he?”

  I muttered, “I should never have texted you. This all needed to come from TJ.”

  “You just called to ask a question, and I figured it out on my own.”

  I shook my head. “I totally fucked up.”

  Trevor pleaded quietly, “Please, Zachary, tell me. He’s my dad. I need to know if he’s okay.”

  He was right, and he’d already figured it out, so there wasn’t much point in trying to hold any information back. After a moment, I admitted, “I don’t know. He’s never shown any symptoms. We both got tested last night and found out he was HIV-positive this afternoon. The counselor told us to take the weekend to process the news, and we’re supposed to go in Monday to come up with a treatment plan. Your dad said he needed some time to think and left the clinic. The counselor convinced me not to go after him, but TJ’s out there somewhere, alone and hurting, and it breaks my heart. I should be with him.”

  “He’s just upset right now. Once he calms down, you’ll be able to talk things out.”

  “It should have been me, Trevor. I’m the one who put myself at risk, not TJ. How could this happen to him?”

  “It shouldn�
�t have been either of you. No one deserves this. But it happened, and now we just need to deal with it and get my dad the help he needs.”

  “The medications are so expensive. I don’t know how I’ll pay for them. I need to take care of him, Trevor, but I don’t know how.”

  “You don’t have to give that a second thought,” he said as he wiped a tear from my cheek with his knuckle. I hadn’t realized I’d started crying. “Vincent and I will get him the best medical care money can buy.”

  “Oh God, thank you.”

  “You don’t need to thank me. I love my dad, and it goes without saying that I’ll help him. Fortunately, my husband’s family has money, so affording it isn’t an issue.”

  “TJ loves you too, Trevor. I hope you know that.”

  “I do. Now come on, dry your tears and let’s go do whatever you need to do at the top of these stairs.”

  I sniffed and wiped my face with my sleeve. Then I said, “Shit, I’m not going to look very intimidating with red, puffy eyes.”

  He grinned a little. “I hate to break it to you, but you weren’t exactly intimidating before this, either.”

  “That’s not news to me.” I turned and climbed the rest of the stairs with Trevor at my side.

  Regulus du Marnier answered the door after about a minute of insistent knocking. He had thick, dark hair, a strong jaw, and he was dressed in an expensive-looking gray sweater and dress pants. He really was big, too, maybe six-three with broad shoulders, and he looked annoyed as he snapped, “What is it?”

  I asked, “Did TJ Dean come to see you this afternoon?”

  He narrowed his eyes and asked, “Who are you?”

  “I’m his boyfriend, and this is his son. Now answer my question.”

  His composure dropped for a moment as he looked from me to Trevor. Then he pulled up an indifferent expression and said, “He came by about half an hour ago.”

  I lowered my voice and asked, “What did you tell him when he asked if you’d been faithful to him?”

  “I….”

  “Did you give him HIV, Reg?”

  He seemed rattled by my directness, and blurted, “That was never my intention.”

  “But it happened anyway, because you were cheating on him. Right?”

  He knit his thick brows and exclaimed, “I made a mistake!”

  “How long have you known you’re HIV-positive?”

  “Three years. I got diagnosed a couple months after TJ broke up with me.”

  My voice rose as I growled, “And you never bothered to tell him?”

  “Of course I told him!”

  “How? By fucking carrier pigeon? Because he never got the goddamn message, Reg!”

  “That’s not my fault! I wrote him a letter and left it on his windshield soon after I was diagnosed! Until he came and saw me this afternoon, I had no idea he hadn’t received it!”

  Trevor stepped forward and snapped, “You left him a fucking note on his car? Seriously? You couldn’t be bothered to have an actual conversation with the man you cheated on and infected with HIV?”

  “It was an accident,” Reg yelled. “I never meant to infect him! And how was I supposed to know that note would get lost? I put it under the windshield wiper, it should have been secure!”

  Trevor’s voice dripped with sarcasm as he said, “Oh, an accident. I see. Your dick accidentally fell into some guy’s ass while you were in a committed relationship with my father!”

  Reg exclaimed, “I’m only human! I made a mistake!”

  “We’re all only human,” I yelled, “but some of us still manage to keep our dicks in our pants and not be cheating assholes!”

  “Look, TJ agreed to go without condoms. I didn’t force him into that. He took the chance,” Reg stammered.

  I got even louder. “He agreed to that after you were both tested and agreed to be monogamous, you cheating fuck!”

  That was Reg’s breaking point. He sounded a bit hysterical as he yelled, “I’ve had enough of this! Get off my property!” His face was red, and a bit of spittle pooled in the corner of his mouth.

  “Oh, we’re going,” I said. “Right after this.” I swung my leg up and kneed him in the nuts, and he went down like a bag of rocks. “That’s for TJ, you cheating piece of shit.”

  Reg curled into a fetal position and grabbed his balls. A high-pitched sound, a bit like a kettle whistling, came from him as Trevor and I turned and walked down the stairs, and my companion said, “I wish I’d been the one to kick him in the nuts.”

  “Sorry.”

  “It was still satisfying to watch it happen.” We climbed into the SUV and Trevor started the engine. As he pulled from the curb, he asked, “Now what?”

  I grabbed my phone and shot Elijah a message. He replied a few moments later, and I told Trevor, “TJ still hasn’t come home. All I can do now is go back to his apartment and wait for him.”

  “Is it okay if I wait with you?” When I nodded, Trevor swung the car around in another eight-point turn.

  *****

  Elijah was anxious when we came into the apartment, and he asked, “Any news?”

  “No, not yet. Trevor and I decided to wait here for TJ. I’m going to change, and then we can make you some dinner. You must be hungry.”

  The teen looked up at me with worry in his eyes. “Do you think TJ’s alright?” I nodded, but at the same time, I threw a little prayer out into the universe: please let him be okay.

  Trevor said, “Come on, Elijah, let’s go see what’s in the fridge. You can help me.”

  “I don’t know how to cook.”

  As I went into the bedroom, Trevor offered Elijah a little smile and said, “Then I’ll show you.”

  When I joined them a few minutes later, after trading my suit for a sweatshirt and jeans, Trevor was in the process of turning a mountain of seemingly random ingredients into an elaborate stew. His knife flew over the cutting board, transforming potatoes into uniform cubes, while Elijah sautéed some celery and onions on the stove.

  Someone rang the buzzer, and Elijah thrust his wooden spoon at me and exclaimed, “Maybe TJ forgot his keys.”

  He ran to the panel by the door, pressed the button for the intercom, and called, “Hello?”

  A familiar voice said, “Um, this is Colt. Can I come up?”

  Elijah looked shocked, and glanced over his shoulder at me. After a moment, he pressed the button and opened the front door. When his ex-boyfriend came into the apartment, Elijah asked softly, “What are you doing here?”

  The tall, skinny teen pushed his dark hair from his eyes and said, “I thought maybe I should come talk to you after you bailed on dinner. I’ve had time to think, and I’m not mad anymore, Eli. It still hurts, I’m not gonna lie, but we need to figure out how to be friends. Chance and Finn miss you. So do I. You’re a part of the family, and you should come home.”

  Elijah said, “How can you forgive me for what I did to you?”

  Colt fidgeted with the drawstring of his red hoodie. “The thing is…deep down, I knew you didn’t feel the same as me. I tried to pretend I didn’t see it, but it was pretty obvious that it was always just a friendship to you. I guess I wanted something that wasn’t even there.”

  Elijah whispered, “I’m so sorry for hurting you.”

  “I know, but we’ve spent enough time with you feeling guilty and me being angry. How about if you come to dinner, and just, you know, hang out with all of us tonight?”

  “I want to, but we’re waiting for TJ, and we’re right in the middle of cooking….” Elijah gestured toward the kitchen.

  “You should go,” I called from across the apartment. “I’ll text you when TJ comes home so you don’t have to worry about him.”

  Trevor added, “We’ll be sure to save you some stew. I’m making a lot of it, and it’s even better the next day.”

  Colt said, “I know it’s weird, and awkward, and all of that right now, but the only way we’re gonna get past it is if we stop avoiding eac
h other.”

  Elijah glanced at Colt, then returned his gaze to the floor and told him, “Yeah, okay. Let me get my coat.” He went to his bedroom and soon returned wearing an oversized, dark blue ski jacket. “Don’t forget to text me when TJ comes home,” he told me.

  “I won’t forget, I promise. Call me if you need a ride back here later.” Elijah nodded and followed Colt out the door, while I took over his job at the stove.

  Trevor dropped the potatoes into a pot of boiling water, then turned his attention to chopping some carrots. His knife moved so quickly that it was a blur, but after a minute, the blade stilled. His back was to me as he said, “I need to tell you something, and it’s probably going to come out wrong, but I need to say it anyway. If TJ ends up needing medical help, he can come live with my family and me. We can get him round-the-clock care if it comes to that. I mean, we don’t know that it will, but the HIV has gone untreated for over three years, so who knows what’s in store? I guess what I’m trying to say is, I don’t want you to feel obligated to stay with him, or to feel trapped in this situation out of fear of what would happen to him if you left. My dad will always be cared for. I’ll see to that.”

  “There’s something you need to understand,” I said quietly. “TJ is absolutely everything to me. No matter what happens, I’m going to be right there by his side, forever. I know you’ve never fully understood what he and I are doing together, and I know you didn’t just say any of that to be hurtful. But I need you to hear me when I tell you this: I love him, Trevor. I love him like I’ve never loved anyone in my life. He’s my heart and soul. None of that changes if he gets sick. None of that changes ever, for any reason. So, thanks for trying to give me a way out, but I don’t want it. All I want, all I’ve ever wanted, is TJ.”

  His expression was unreadable when he put the knife down and turned to face me. After a long moment, he said, “I’m sorry.”

  “For what?”

  “For underestimating you. You’re right that I never really understood the two of you together. To my mind, you just didn’t fit. But I get it now, and frankly, I should have gotten it a lot sooner. When my husband and I first met, we didn’t seem to fit together either, at least in other people’s eyes. But we always knew we belonged together. I see now that it’s the same with you and TJ. I shouldn’t have said what I did, and I’m sorry if I offended you.”