Who I Used to Be

by Alexa Land

  “You didn’t, and there’s no need to apologize. You just want what’s best for TJ.”

  Trevor tried to push aside some of the awkwardness between us by saying, “Okay, good. Now help me cook, since I lost my sous chef.”

  “On it.” I went back to stirring the celery and onions.

  He turned back to the carrots, and as the knife started flying again, I said, “You’re oddly good at that.”

  “I picked up a few skills as a chef’s apprentice. Even before that though, cooking was always my go-to. Whenever I was worried, or stressed out, or whatever, I’d cook, and it would be a comfort. It still helps, especially at a time like this.”

  I removed the pan from the heat and said, “You’re going to miss that job, aren’t you?”

  “Yeah, I am,” he said. “I loved it. But I love my family more.”

  “You’re a good guy, Trevor.”

  He glanced at me over his shoulder and gave me a little smile. “So are you.”

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Around eleven o’clock that night, a key turned in the lock. I put down the book I’d been staring at but not reading, and Trevor came out of the kitchen. He’d been cooking all night, dish after dish. That really was his coping mechanism. He wiped his hands on a dishtowel as we glanced at each other.

  TJ was surprised to see his son when he stepped into the apartment, and Trevor blurted, “Don’t be mad at Zachary, he didn’t tell me about your diagnosis. I figured it out on my own when he texted to ask me a question. He didn’t want to betray your confidence.”

  After a long moment, TJ said quietly, “It’s good you know. I was dreading having that talk with you.”

  Trevor tossed the towel on the table, then crossed the apartment and gave TJ a hug as he said, “I love you, Dad. We’re going to make sure you get the best care possible, Zachary, and me, and Vincent, and the rest of the family. Now I’m going to get out of here, because you and your boyfriend need to talk. I’m guessing you’ll need some time to yourself this weekend too, so I’ll call you on Monday.” He grabbed his jacket from the arm of the couch and headed out the door, while his dad mumbled a goodbye.

  TJ looked like he was contemplating leaving again, and he glanced at the front door. I didn’t know what to do, so I stood rooted in front of the couch and asked, “Are you okay?” TJ just shrugged. “Where did you go?”

  His voice was quiet and emotionless. “I went to ask my ex-boyfriend a few questions. After that, I took a walk. I ended up at the park and sat in the AIDS Memorial Grove for a few hours before walking home.”

  “You walked home from there? It must have taken you—”

  “Two hours.”

  I shifted my weight from one foot to the other and said, “I’m sorry Trevor found out from me. That wasn’t my intention.”

  “What did you call to ask him?”

  “I wanted to see if he had Reg’s address or phone number. He didn’t, but he said he knew how to find the house, so he took me there. On the way, he put two and two together.”

  TJ still hadn’t moved from his spot just inside the door. “You confronted my ex?”

  “Trevor and I both did. I had to know if Reg cheated on you, and if he knew he’d infected you.”

  “So did I.”

  Neither of us said anything for a long moment. Finally, I asked, pretty much just to fill the void, “How did you and Reg meet?” Stupid question. Why didn’t I just go ahead and ask him how he’d managed to hook up with a rich guy?

  “He’d found the number of my shop online, and I went to his house to repair a broken flat screen.”

  “Oh.”

  He sounded so detached when he said, “I was actually flattered at first when he asked me out. I couldn’t believe someone like him would be interested in me. After a while though, I realized there was only one difference between Reg and me: his business had made him a fortune, while mine kept food on my table, and not much more. He wasn’t better or smarter than me, he’d just had an idea that someone thought was valuable. They were wrong, though. That business actually went under two years after Reg sold it, but what did he care? He’d already made millions.”

  “TJ…are you okay?”

  “No.”

  I started to close the distance between us, but he held up his hand to stop me. “Please don’t. If you hug me, I’ll start crying. Once I start, I don’t know if I’ll be able to stop.”

  TJ turned his head and stared at the fish tank, instead of looking at me. I felt so lost. I wanted to help him, but I didn’t know how. After a few moments, I asked, “Do you need some more time to yourself? I can go home if you want me to.”

  “You’re already home, Zachary,” he said. “I know we never made it official, and that you’ve been staying here the last two weeks just because Elijah felt better with you nearby…but God, don’t leave. This is where you belong.”

  His voice shook a little right at the end, and when he looked up again, his eyes pleaded with me. Despite his earlier warning, I rushed across the living room and grabbed him in an embrace. He was right, as soon as I hugged him, he started crying. But he also held on tight, and I clutched him to me. His voice was rough when he whispered, “I’m so fucking scared, Zachary.” I stroked his hair and murmured reassurances. I was frightened too, but I wasn’t going to let him see that.

  *****

  We held each other all night, lying awake in bed. TJ didn’t talk much, but at one point he said, “I’ve been living with this disease for over three years. I keep wondering what damage it’s done already.”

  “But you’re never sick. That has to mean your immune system hasn’t been compromised.”

  He thought about that, then said, “I want to start treatment right away. I know a day or two won’t make a difference, but still, I want to go back to the clinic tomorrow and find out about my options. I just don’t know how I’m going to pay for it, and I’m not sure about getting my medicine through drug trials. Are some participants given placebos? Would the drug companies be that cruel?”

  “I have no idea, but you don’t have to worry about affording your medicine. Trevor already said he’ll pay for it. I didn’t ask, he just offered.”

  TJ shook his head. “I can’t take money from him.”

  “You have to put aside your guilt or your pride and do it anyway, TJ. Not only do you need that medicine, but Trevor loves you, and he wants to help.”

  “But—”

  “You need to let him do this, TJ,” I insisted, “not just because you have to have that medicine. It’s important to your son. He’s scared for you, and this way, he can feel like he’s doing something to help. A lot of people love you, and they’ll all want to be a part of your support system in different ways. I’m at the top of that list. I’ll be right here by your side, TJ, always. You need to know that.”

  “But everything’s different now.” His voice was so quiet. “I was making plans for our future. Now I don’t know if I have one.”

  “We still have a future, TJ. We absolutely do. There have been so many breakthroughs in AIDS research over the last twenty years! It’s not like it was when your friend John got sick.”

  “But I’ve gone so long without treatment. Who knows what the disease has already done to me?”

  “We’re not going to assume the worst, okay? Let’s focus on the fact that you’ve been healthy, and we’ve caught it now, and we’re going to take full advantage of every medical breakthrough of the last twenty years to keep you this way.” TJ nodded and held me tight.

  He fell asleep eventually, and I cradled him in my arms. Only then did I let myself cry. Just for one night, I gave in to all that fear, all that worry. I’d have it under control by the time he woke up. TJ needed me to be strong for him, and that was damn well what I was going to do.

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  Murphy held up a blue, striped tie and asked, “How about this?”

  “You’re not going to give your father a tie for Chris
tmas, are you? That’s kind of impersonal,” I said as I ran my hand over a rack of belts.

  “It’s December twenty-fourth and we’re at the mall. Clearly, the time for well-thought-out gifts has passed. Now I just need something, anything. Besides, a tie is an appropriate present. It says, ‘Sorry I didn’t go into corporate finance like you wanted me to, but hey, you totally sold out enough for the both of us, so you might need this.’ Hell, I should give him a tie every year.”

  I grinned a little. “So, you and your dad are super close.”

  He just shrugged and pushed his Clark Kent glasses up the bridge of his nose. “It is what it is. Would it be nice if he appreciated what I was trying to do with my life? Sure. Is he ever going to? Nope. Am I dumb enough to think finding the perfect gift is going to change a thing? That’d also be a big negative.” He held out the tie and a couple bills, and told the salesperson on the other side of the department store counter, “I’ll take this one. I think it says sell-out better than the others. If you could gift box that bad-boy for me, that’d be swell. Thanks.”

  The man frowned and went to ring up his purchase as I asked, “Who else do you need to buy for?”

  “Everybody. My mom, my sister, my brother, my aunt. Do you swear you and TJ are sticking to the no gifts thing that I made you agree to? If not, I’ll be throwing a couple more ties on the pile. Not that you need or want a tie, but it’ll give you something to return after the holidays. Tis the season.”

  “Well….” Murph shot me a look as he scooped up two more ties sight-unseen and threatened to hand them to the clerk. I grinned and said, “We basically stuck to the no presents thing, except that I baked you something. But come on! You’ve been my counselor for nearly five months, and we only pay you with dinner. You even refused to accept actual payment when I started earning an income. The least I could do was make you some Christmas cookies.”

  He knit his brows and stared at me, and finally said, “I’ll allow it.” He returned the ties to the counter and smoothed them out with big, exaggerated gestures when the clerk shot him a look. Then Murph turned to me and said, “Holy heatstroke, Batman! It’s hot as hell in here. What are they thinking, that people are out shopping in December while wearing bikinis? I mean, it’s California, but come on.” He pulled off his red cardigan and tied it around his waist, revealing two full sleeves of tattoos and his pun-of-the-day T-shirt. It featured Christopher Walken’s face with yellow rays radiating out behind it and the words ‘Walken on Sunshine’. I’d chuckled at that when he’d shown up in it an hour earlier, and grinned again despite myself.

  Once he had his purchase in hand, Murph and I waded deeper into the crowded department store, and he said, “Okay, since you canceled our last two sessions, I’m going to put on my counselor hat for a minute and ask you a question.”

  “Shoot.”

  “With all the stress of your boyfriend’s diagnosis, have you been tempted to use?”

  “I haven’t, actually. I’m totally focused on TJ, and I know I need to be strong for him,” I said. “Even before this happened, I really wasn’t feeling the pull. I’m such a different person now, and drugs just aren’t a part of this new life.”

  “That’s good to hear.” He paused to frown at a display of creepy little elf figurines. Then he asked, “How’s TJ? All he ever tells me is that he’s fine.”

  “Honestly? I’m not sure. He only gave himself one night to cry and freak out a little, that Friday when he first found out he was positive. After that, he made himself very, very busy. Some of that was good. We got his treatment plan in place, followed up with a doctor, and met with a nutritionist. He’s being very proactive about staying well. And you know what he’s been doing with the shop.” In the three weeks since his diagnosis, TJ had decided to totally revamp his business. He cleared out all the electronics by donating them to charity, so we could sell our wind-up toys in the shop. He’d been building them every spare moment, too. “But it’s almost as if he’s afraid to stop moving. Like maybe if he does, he’ll have to feel, and he doesn’t want to do that.”

  “Is he still coping with the side effects from the medicines?”

  “It’s gotten better. He’s not sick to his stomach anymore, and his appetite is back.” The nausea I’d experienced when I first started my PrEP prescription had died down too, but I didn’t bother to mention that. It was nothing compared to what TJ had faced with all his new medications, and my temporary discomfort was totally worth it for the peace of mind it brought both TJ and me. It was just a little ironic that in the meantime, we’d stopped having sex entirely, making the PrEP a bit irrelevant, at least until our sex life came back online.

  “I’m glad he’s feeling better,” Murph said. Then he asked, “Did TJ ever call that counselor I recommended?”

  “He claims to be too busy, between remodeling the shop and all those bigger, more elaborate wind-ups he’s been building, which he thinks will generate more income.”

  “I have to talk to him about that. He’s always been good at avoidance. I’m glad he’s taking positive steps to grow his business and is thinking about his future, but that can’t be at the expense of counseling.”

  “The thing is, I don’t think he’s revamping his business for himself, or even for us. I think he’s doing it for me. I think he’s afraid he’s going to die, and wants to make sure I’m taken care of, despite all the good news we’ve gotten about his HIV status. His viral load was very low even before he started the meds, and by all indications, it won’t shorten his life expectancy. He’ll probably even remain asymptomatic as long as he stays on his medication. So given all of that, why is he trying to provide for me, and making a will, and going through his things and giving stuff away?”

  Murphy said, “That diagnosis was a big wake-up call. It rattled TJ to his core, not because he found out he was going to die of AIDS, but because it reminded him of his own mortality. The impact of HIV isn’t just physical, it’s mental and emotional, and those last two things have taken a toll on him. TJ’s just trying to come to terms with it in his own way.”

  “You’re right.” He scooped up an armload of pre-wrapped elf figurines from the display, and I asked, “What are you doing?”

  “Desperate times call for desperate measures. I just now decided everyone in my family is going to start an elf collection. Then I’ll know what to get them for Christmas next year, too.”

  As he headed to the nearest checkout counter, I said, “You know those things are hideous, right?”

  “Oh yeah. That’ll be the theme of their collections: ugly-ass elves. I’m sure I’ll have no problem finding more each year.”

  “Hey, your call,” I said as we got in line to pay.

  “I just need to be done, I can’t take it anymore. It’s hot, it’s crowded, and that huge potpourri display to my left is makin’ the whole place smell like an old lady’s drawers.” When the elderly woman in front of us turned and raised an eyebrow at him, Murph amended, “Dresser drawers. I’m not talkin’ about underpants. That’d be disrespectful, and besides, I’m sure yours smell delightful.” She shot him a look of disgust and stalked away, and Murphy took a big step forward. Then he flashed me a smile and said, “Line just got shorter.”

  “I’d feel like I was failing you as a friend if I didn’t try to talk you out of those elves. Your family is going to think you’ve gone insane.”

  “That ship sailed a long time ago, Z. Besides, I’m sure you’re as eager to get out of here as I am. Don’t you want to get home to Christmas Eve with your sweetie?”

  “TJ said he needed time to finish a present he’s making for me, so I’m trying to stay away from the apartment for a few hours. That’s why he turned down your offer to join us on this shopping adventure, incidentally. He told me to be home by seven, so that gives us ninety more minutes.” I put my hand on my friend’s arm and said, “We can do better than the elves, Murph. Come on, I’ll help.”

  He sighed dramatically and stepped o
ut of line. “Fine, let’s do one more lap. But if nothing jumps out at me, we’re coming back for these ugly little spuds.”

  *****

  At five minutes to seven, Murphy pulled up in front of the shop and said, “It looks great in there.”

  “TJ put a lot of work into it.”

  “You both did.”

  I glanced through the plate glass window. We’d taken down the old sign, and after we’d emptied the shop and deep-cleaned it, we’d painted the interior a gorgeous shade of midnight blue. TJ had built little cubes and installed them on the walls in a checkerboard pattern, and I’d painted them the same deep indigo. They served as stands for dozens of our wind-ups. New track lighting made the figures sparkle and gave the place an inviting glow. The goal hadn’t been to turn the place into an upscale boutique. Instead, we’d been going for a funky, eclectic look to match our wind-ups, and I thought we’d achieved it.

  We were still selling our stuff at the gallery, and Christopher Robin had also begun sending people to our retail space, because he was an amazingly nice guy. At the moment, there were actually three customers in the shop, and TJ was helping them. I’d be willing to bet Christopher had something to do with that.

  I turned to Murph and said, “You sure you don’t want to join us tomorrow for dinner with Trevor’s in-laws? Nana Dombruso really knows how to throw a party.”

  “I’d love to, but my mom would disown me if I missed Christmas dinner. Raincheck on a Nana party, though.”

  “Fortunately, your mom won’t also disown you for giving her a truly nightmarish elf.” The last leg of our shopping excursion had landed us in the ladies’ accessories department, and Murph had bought scarves for all his female relatives. His brother still ended up with an elf, but at least that would only mean one pissed-off relative, instead of a complete set.