by Alexa Land
“It feels so right though, like it’s where we both belong.” I put my arms around him, and after a pause, he embraced me, too.
A long moment passed, and then he whispered, “I’ve had two relationships in my life. You know all about my first one with Hunter. You also know what it did to me when he left, and that it took me years to get over it. So when I tell you the end of our relationship was ten times worse, that should give you some perspective. I adored you, River. You were my life. But we failed miserably as a couple, and it broke me.”
“It gutted me too, but I’m willing to try again.”
He kissed me, then rested his forehead against mine and said, “It’s impossible to think straight when you’re this close to me. All those things I told myself, the promises I made to never go down this road again….”
“I’m a different person now, Cole, not across the board, but hopefully in all the ways that count. Spending the last year without you was a huge wake-up call. I know how much I lost when you left, and I’m willing to do whatever it takes to make sure I never lose you again. I just need you to give me a chance.”
He caressed my cheek before stepping back from me. “It’s tempting. God, is it tempting. But you’re asking me to take a huge risk, and I don’t know if I’m strong enough. I’m not exaggerating when I tell you our breakup almost killed me. There was this one day, soon after we had that huge fight at your brother’s art show. It hurt so much, River. I couldn’t stop crying, and I just needed the pain to stop. I was drinking heavily, and I had this bottle of prescription sleeping pills….”
I whispered, “Oh no.”
“I’d never contemplated suicide before, but in that moment, I was right there. It would have been so easy to give in to my grief. Later on, when I realized how close I’d come, I was terrified.”
A tear tumbled down my cheek as I asked, “What stopped you?”
“You did. I remembered you telling me about your brother’s suicide attempt and how guilty you felt for not seeing the signs ahead of time. I couldn’t do that to you, too. I knew you’d blame yourself, and I love you too much to hurt you like that.” He exhaled slowly, and then he added, “Just so you know, I saw a counselor and she helped a lot. I’m not in that dark place anymore, so you don’t have to worry about me.”
“I’m so sorry, Cole. God, I’m sorry. I never wanted to hurt you like that, to drive you to the point of—”
“You didn’t. We both failed at that relationship. For every mistake you made, I was right there with one of my own.”
“I shouldn’t have kissed you tonight. That just complicates things even more.”
“That was mutual too, River. And I know I’m sending so many mixed signals, telling you I miss you, then saying I never wanted to start things up again. I must seem crazy.”
“You don’t, and I totally get it. It’s all mixed up together, the love and the hurt, the fear and the longing. I’m right there with you on all of it. I guess the only difference is, I know I have to try again. We both got burned, but up until today, I didn’t realize just how dark it had gotten for you. So, you have to be the one to decide what you want us to do, Cole. I’m right here, and you know what I want. But I won’t pressure you.”
He pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose and said, “I’m glad we talked, it was long overdue. But I shouldn’t have told you about that night with the pills. You probably feel guilty now, and that wasn’t my intention.”
“But don’t you see? That was always our problem, Cole. We were afraid to talk about the real stuff, or to tell each other when anything was bothering us. Ultimately, that’s what killed the relationship, all those things left unsaid, the little misunderstandings and the hurt feelings that built and built until we were crushed under the weight of them. I get that now. I’ve had the last year to think about what happened between us, and I’ve gained a lot of perspective. And while it was devastating to find out you considered suicide, I’m so grateful, both because you didn’t go through with it, and because you trusted me enough to tell me about it.”
He reached out and touched my cheek, and then he said, “I’m going to go upstairs and just…process all of this, I guess.” I nodded, and he leaned in and kissed me gently. Then he picked up his luggage and headed into the hotel.
I returned to the chair on the patio and hugged my knees to my chest. My emotions were a jumble. Joy and sadness were so tangled up together that I could barely make sense of it all.
The news that Cole had contemplated suicide was devastating. I’d nearly lost Skye when he was nineteen, and I’d carry that guilt with me forever, because I hadn’t seen the warning signs. Five years down the road, my brother was happy and thriving and deeply in love with a great guy. But I still worried about him. I always would.
And I totally understood why Cole would be hesitant to try again with me. It meant risking everything. We’d both end up crushed if it all fell apart on us.
But there was a glimmer of hope, too. Cole still loved me, and now he knew how I felt. That was more than I’d had to hold onto in a very long time.
Chapter Five
I awoke with a start and tried to figure out what was happening. After a moment, I realized I was still out on the patio. Someone had covered me with a wool blanket, and birds were chirping as dawn began to light the sky. Darwin was standing beside me with his hand on my shoulder. “Sorry to wake you,” he said, “but Josh, Trevor, and the babies are sick with a rash and a fever. Can you come help?”
I rushed upstairs with him and found Vincent bundling up the crying infants. Trevor was sitting on the foot of his bed, looking pale and upset as he stroked Josh’s hair. The teen was curled up with his head on his father’s thigh. There were red spots on Trevor’s face, and I said, “I think you might have chickenpox.”
“I think so, too,” he said. “We need to get the kids to the doctor.”
“It can be more serious in adults, you need to get yourself examined,” I told him as I started packing their things.
“I will,” he said. “The kids need medical attention first, though.”
I asked Vincent, “How are you feeling?”
“Fine. I had chickenpox as a kid, so if that’s what this is, I’m immune. What about you?”
“I had it, too. Darwin, are you alright?”
“I was immunized as a kid, so I’ll be fine.”
“We were going to vaccinate the twins,” Trevor said, “but we couldn’t do that until after their first birthday. I can’t believe this happened.”
“It’s probably my fault,” Josh muttered as he sat up. “High school is a cesspool, so I bet I brought it home. I also must have screwed up when I told you I’d had all my vaccinations. I remember you asking about it after you adopted me, because you wanted to get me any I’d missed. I’m so sorry, Dad. I didn’t mean to make you or the babies sick.” He looked like he wanted to cry.
“Please don’t blame yourself.” Trevor gave his son a hug and kissed his forehead.
Vincent slung a bag over his shoulders and picked up both babies as he said, “We need to get going. I sent a message to our family doctor, and he’s meeting us at his office at eight a.m., which is in just about two hours.”
Trevor and Josh got up and leaned on each other for support, and Darwin picked up the folded cribs and asked, “Should I come with you?”
“Actually, could you stay here and help River?” Trevor turned to me and said, “I’m so sorry to leave you shorthanded like this. I have no idea how you’re going to do all that work on your own.”
I waved my hand and said, “I’ll be fine, don’t give it another thought. All that matters is getting you and your kids well again.”
I followed them downstairs with their luggage and helped them load the SUV. Trevor apologized one more time, and I again assured him I’d be fine. It wasn’t until they drove off that I muttered, “I’m so screwed.”
Darwin turned to face me and tossed his head to swing his long
, black bangs out of his eyes. “Not if I have anything to say about it. Just tell me what to do and I’ll do it.”
“Well, first thing is to bust out the disinfecting wipes and go over every inch of that kitchen again, just to be on the safe side. Passing on chickenpox to the entire wedding party is definitely not the goal. Then I guess we should start on brunch.”
“We got this,” Darwin said.
We really didn’t.
*****
When Cole found me in the kitchen a few minutes past noon, I was barely holding it together, but I made sure not to let it show. He put two bottles of wine on the counter and said, “I just found out Trevor went home sick. Is he okay?”
“He and all three of his kids have the chickenpox, their doctor confirmed it. But they’ll be alright. They’re home in bed and Vincent is taking care of them. Hopefully, it’ll run its course in just a few days.”
“Are you okay?”
“Fine. I already had the chickenpox.”
“That’s not what I mean. You have to cater a rehearsal dinner for forty tonight and a huge wedding the day after tomorrow, with two more brunches in between. There’s no way you can do all of that on your own.”
“I’m not. Darwin’s helping me.”
“He looks like a kid. I’m guessing he doesn’t have a lot of culinary experience.”
“No, but he’s a hard worker.”
“Where is he?”
“I sent him upstairs to take a nap. He’d been busting his ass for six hours straight, and he was dead on his feet.” I reduced the heat under the two enormous stock pots on the stove because they’d started to boil, then turned to the prep station and started to clean up some of my mess. It looked like a produce truck had exploded in the kitchen.
“That probably means you’ve been going for six hours nonstop, too. You need to take a break.”
“I’m fine.”
“No you’re not.” He caught my wrist as I wiped down a cutting board and said, “Stop for a minute, River.” When I turned to face him, he touched my cheek and said softly, “You must be so overwhelmed right now.”
I blurted, “Why did I agree to cater such a big wedding? Even with Trevor helping me, I was in way over my head. I should have told Cat and Conrad to find a real caterer. I’m a total fraud. It’s time to stop pretending and go back to working as a line cook.”
“No way. You’re brilliant at what you do. Right now though, you need to sit down for a few minutes and have a snack. You always forget to eat when you’re busy. Then tell me how I can help.”
“You don’t have to help me. They’re about to take off for that Wine and Wheels thing, and you’re in the wedding party, so you should be a part of that.”
“Oh believe me, I really don’t mind giving it a skip. I love Cat, but I’d rather not spend the afternoon hanging around with her fiancé’s clueless, yuppie groomsmen. They’re trying way too hard to make the poor, black, gay guy feel included, which just keeps reminding me I’m a total outsider.”
“That’s exactly how I felt around them.”
He retrieved a couple chairs from the dining room and set them up facing each other in the center of the kitchen. Then he located a bottle of water and grabbed a blueberry muffin from the big box on the counter, which had been delivered by a local bakery that morning. The smartest thing I’d done in planning the food for the wedding was hiring a subcontractor to make all the breads and other baked goods.
Cole sat in one of the chairs and said, “Join me.”
“I don’t have time for this. There’s so much to do, and—”
“And you’re probably minutes away from a raging hunger headache, if you don’t have one already. Sit down, River, and eat this. I know blueberry’s your favorite.”
I looked around the kitchen to make sure nothing required my immediate attention, and then I sighed and sat down facing Cole. The chairs were so close together that our knees touched. I downed half the bottle of water before taking the muffin he offered me, and as I peeled off the paper liner, I asked, “Where’d the wine come from?”
He rotated one of the bottles so the label was facing me. Elegant letters spelled out ‘Ballantine’ above a silver-embossed line drawing of the inn. “Conrad’s uncle just arrived with a case of the pinot noir they produce on-site. I got one for you, too.”
“Thanks. I see he rebranded it with his name.” I took a huge bite of the muffin and almost sighed with relief. I really had been hungry.
“Oh yeah. Rich people love seeing their name on stuff.” When I finished the muffin, I started to get up, but Cole caught my hand and pulled me back down again. “Rest for another minute while we come up with a plan for this afternoon. I see you have everything mapped out hour by hour,” he said, indicating the rows of paper taped up over the sink. “Are you behind schedule after this morning?”
“Yeah, but I really can’t ask you to do this, Cole.”
“Who better? We worked together for a long time, so you know I can step in and take over Trevor’s duties.”
“But you didn’t come to Napa to bust your ass over a hot stove. If you don’t want to go into town with the wedding party, go relax by the pool or something.”
“This is one of your problems,” Cole said. “And I’m sorry if that sounds accusatory, but it is. You never ask for help, even when you really need it.”
I thought about that, then said, “I guess you’re right.”
“Let me do this for you, River.”
“Are you sure?”
“Absolutely. It’ll be fun! I’ve missed cooking with you.”
“Really?”
He nodded. “Working with you in the catering business was the best job I ever had. I learned a lot, too. I use the skills you taught me to make dinner for myself and my roommate all the time.”
“You cook now? You never used to.”
“No, because that was always your domain. But I really enjoy it.” He got up and studied the notes above the sink as he said, “So, tell me what to do first. This is great, by the way. Did Trevor make this schedule? He was always big on planning and organization.”
“No, I did. I didn’t want to screw anything up this weekend.”
Cole reached deep into the front pocket of one of my totes and pulled out a navy blue bandana. He was so familiar with my set-up that he did it without looking. As he draped it over his hair and tied it at the nape of his neck, he said, “I’m impressed. You didn’t leave anything to chance.”
“And then it all went to hell anyway. Or it almost did. I can’t thank you enough for helping me, Cole.”
He turned to me and smiled as he said, “Any time.”
God he was cute, especially in that headscarf, which matched his slim-fitting T-shirt. He also wore a pair of gray shorts that showed off his strong, sexy runner’s legs and made my mind wander to fantastic places. But we had a job to do, so I forced myself to tear my eyes off him and focus on the schedule. He leaned against me as we discussed the plan for the afternoon. That ease and familiarity felt so good.
As soon as we started cooking, we fell into our old rhythm. We might have had problems in our relationship, but they’d never extended to working together. I felt myself calming, not just because I didn’t have to do all the work myself anymore, but because having Cole by my side soothed me.
*****
We’d been cooking for about an hour when someone said, “It’s like a dance when you two are in the kitchen together. When one of you moves away from a prep station, the other swoops in to do his thing, and on and on, around you go. If only Conrad and I were in sync like that.”
We both turned to Cat. She was leaning against the doorway, dressed in tight pink shorts and a matching cropped T-shirt, with her hair pulled back in a ponytail. “Hey,” I said, “I thought you went into town for that wine thing.”
“I bailed out at the last minute. I used the old ‘I have a headache’ excuse. How fucked up is that?”
“Why didn’
t you want to go?”
“I just needed a little time to think. For the past few months, I’ve been caught up in this frenzy of wedding planning, and….”
Catherine usually came across as one of the most confident people I’d ever met, so to see her looking lost and vulnerable was unexpected to say the least. Cole and I crossed the room to her, and I took her hand as I asked, “Cat, are you having cold feet?”
“I don’t know. Maybe. I mean, I love Conrad so much, but we’re very different people. I always knew that, but being here with his friends is just making it glaringly obvious.”
“How so?”
“Well, for one thing, several of the groomsmen’s uptight Stepford wives arrived a couple hours ago, and you should have seen their faces when they asked about my parents. I told them my mom’s dead and my father won’t be joining us because he’s a career criminal who’s currently doing hard time in federal prison. I might as well have said I’m an alien from the planet Trashy and can shoot laser beams out of my asshole.”
I grinned at her turn of phrase, and Cole said, “Come sit down. Do you want a drink?”
“God yes. I don’t care what it is, just give me the whole fucking bottle.”
She sat on the counter beside the sink, and when I handed her a small bottle of tequila, she tossed the lid aside and chugged half of it. Then she let out a tremendous belch and said, “This is the first time today that I’ve felt like I can just be myself without anyone judging me.” She took another swig, then asked, “Are there any more of those pastries from brunch? I was trying to act like a fucking lady, so I limited myself to three.” I put the big, pink bakery box next to her, and she said, “Bless you, River Flynn-Hernandez. You’re a saint among men.”
I asked, “Where are Jessica and Fernando?”
She crammed half an apple streusel in her mouth, then said, “On a field trip.” She managed to swallow before adding, “He makes nature documentaries, I can’t remember if you knew that. Anyway, there’s some kind of gross little rodent in the fields around Napa, and he wanted to scout locations because he’s thinking about filming them. Don’t ask me who the fuck would want to watch a movie about vermin, but hey, it makes Nando happy. And of course, Jessica went along because they’re more than just husband and wife. They’re friends, and they do everything together and totally support each other, even when it’s disgusting shit like looking for vermin. That’s love, I tell you what.”