Stranger Than Fiction

by Jeanine Hoffman

  I dropped my fork, ignoring as it clattered on the plate. I tried to swallow the food I’d just taken from the fork but my mouth was suddenly doing an imitation of the Sahara. Carefully, I took a few sips of water and choked down the food.

  “Are you serious?”

  “Tori, I know this is all a lot to take in for you but I promise you, this is real and you can do it. I’ll be helping to guide you and we’ll have a few others involved for safety.”

  “When this was all theory it wasn’t scary. Well, not that scary. Okay, somewhat scary. There are risks to this, aren’t there?”

  Kerstin nodded and sat down next to me on the couch. She held my sweaty hand in her cool, dry one and tried to get me to relax.

  “Tori, we’ll take good care of you. Once you connect with your Other, you’ll understand how worth it the fear and discomfort can be. Honestly, I wish I could do the shift with you but for now, I’m going to have my mom there, Dena will be there and I’ll be there. We’re keeping it to people you’re familiar with and who are deer shifters. That way there won’t be any risk of you spooking. We’ll teach you to call on your Other, to shift, and then how to shift back.”

  “I won’t get stuck, you promise, right?”

  I was almost tearful and I heard a bit of a whiny quality in my voice that wasn’t something I’d heard from myself since childhood.

  “Tori, I promise. No one who shifts during his or her First Shift under supervision has gotten stuck. You’ll be well supervised and in our nature room. I can assure you that while it may be difficult at first, you’ll view it as a gift once you’ve learned to do this on your own.”

  “What if I don’t want to share my head with some Other? What if I can’t write or paint anymore because this Other is in my head all of the time?”

  “I’ll admit that I can’t speak to personal experience but no one has ever reported that their Other changed them at a fundamental level. Your creative side is a deeply rooted part of you, Tori. I just can’t believe that it will be damaged in any way by the addition of a part of the natural world.”

  “I’m still scared.”

  “I know and that’s totally normal. This is all very new to you and you’ve progressed rapidly. Would you like to have my mother or Dena come over now and go through things with you?”

  I nodded but didn’t specify who to call. I really didn’t care. The fear I was feeling was non-specific and I didn’t even think I could label it as rational. This was more like the fear you might get when you have a dental appointment and you know everything is fine but you still freak out a bit beforehand.

  “I’m going to call my mother. She’s had a lot of years of working with First Shifts and I’m thinking that she could give you some insight that I might not.”

  “Thanks. I’m scared but I can’t pinpoint all of the reasons why.”

  “She and I can help with that. I’ll give her a call and be right back.”

  Kerstin stepped into the hall to call her mother while I shoved the dinner that had been so appealing before her visit back onto the serving cart and away from me. I had no clue how long I had before they tried to make me shift but I didn’t want any part of it.

  “She’s going to leave a note for my father and be over soon. I called Dena and left a message for her to join us as well.”

  “Do I have to do this? Can’t I just not shift? You know, not go through with First Shift so that I don’t have an Other in my brain?”

  “I’m so sorry, Tori. I’ve explained to you before about the hormone levels. If we don’t guide you through your First Shift, the hormone levels will increase until there’s no choice but for your body to shift. If that happens without guidance, you could very well get stuck. Either way, shifting isn’t going to be something you’ll be able to avoid.”

  “I’m trying, really I am. I know it can’t be horrible or Gail wouldn’t have chosen this life. Janice looked like it hardly hurt her at all.”

  “The first few times will hurt the most. I can tell you that it gets better each time until you’ll be able to shift quickly and with little pain. The brain starts to release dopamine and other chemicals to trick your body as it shifts. The result is that while the shift is painful, you won’t really feel the pain of it.”

  “I won’t suddenly get turned on by &M, right?” S

  “No.” Kerstin chuckled. “No one’s ever asked me that before. At least not quite so abruptly. It doesn’t change you, not the you at your core. This will add to you, not take away from your gifts, not mold you into someone who gets off on pain. The ability to heal quickly through shifting and to not feel as much discomfort during that process is a gift of the Animus virus.”

  “Like having a voice in my head.”

  Kerstin tilted her head at me but didn’t speak. I felt as if she was waiting for me to say more but I didn’t know what I wanted to say. Finally, the silence was deafening and I blurted the first thing that came to mind.

  “I don’t want to be crazy.”

  “Oh, Tori, you won’t be crazy. You’ll be more gifted, more in tune with the world around you, not less.”

  “Can Janice be there?”

  “Are you certain you want a predator to be there?”

  “I thought shifters didn’t attack other shifters? So why should it bother me that her animal is coyote?”

  “While it is true that shifters don’t attack shifters, during your First Shift your deer will be getting settled and learning you as much as you’ll be learning her. I’m worried about the presence of someone that could be scented as a predator. Not about Janice herself.”

  “I want her there. Please? She’s been amazing to me and I know I’ll feel better if she’s there for this too.”

  “I’ll ask her. We’re going to be looking at either tomorrow or the next day for the First Shift followed by a bit more training.”

  “Fine, whatever. Should I contact my parents or anything?”

  “You’re more than welcome to but since we still don’t know your mother’s status, I think that telling them anything is premature.”

  “I didn’t know if there was a risk of me not surviving. Should I make a goodbye call?” My voice broke as I asked it but I kept my eyes dry.

  “Of course not, Tori. You’re not going to die or be stuck or lose yourself. All of this is quite normal to feel and fear but we won’t let anything happen to you. You are totally safe here. What can I do to prove it?”

  “I don’t know. I don’t think there is proof for this, is there? I’ll just have to wait it out and hope for the best.”

  “All right, would you like me to order something for you to help you sleep through the night?”

  “It won’t give me funny dreams?”

  “No, something that won’t give you lucid dreams. I’m going to order a halter monitor for you again for tonight. If you don’t shift tomorrow then I’ll have you wear it whenever someone isn’t with you until you do shift. You can stay down here but the monitor will relay to the staff on our floor of the clinic wards.”

  “Okay. Do what you have to do. I won’t fight anything.”

  “Thank you. I can call Janice down now, if you’d like. Then we can talk with her about having her present for your First Shift and what she thinks. Honestly, and this isn’t something I admit to many people, she has a leg up on me about how you might react since she’s gone through this process and I haven’t. My lack of ability to shift is a bit like a handicap at times and that’s one reason I was so interested in getting Janice certified and trained in helping to manage this portion of the practice.”

  “Thanks. I’d feel better if I could ask her to be there. I can’t explain it but I know I’ll feel safer if she’s there.”

  “Understood. I’ll call up to the office. She was still there when I left.”

  A few minutes later, first Sara Mueller arrived and then Janice. I offered drinks and then we sat in the living room as Kerstin broke the news to them about my impending is
sues.

  “So, Mom, I was thinking that between your status in the herd and Dena as a friendly deer, we would have Tori covered. Janice, Tori’s asked if you could be present as well. I wasn’t certain how you felt about it, plus I’m concerned about her Other’s reaction if she scents you as a predator before she scents you as a friend.”

  “I can certainly be there. I don’t think I should shift before she does of course, if at all. I can give her a good hug or two and that should mark me as friendly to her once she does shift, before she settles down. Tori, you do understand that while I would never, ever hurt you, your Other may not see that at first and might run off in fright?”

  “I guess, but I don’t think that’s going to happen. Besides, it's a room, no matter how big a room. It’s not like I won’t get caught if I bolt, right?”

  “I’m more concerned with you charging a wall in a blind panic,” Kerstin said dryly.

  “Ah. Well, I’m going to hope I don't but if I do, you can find me at least. I’d feel better if Janice is there. Please Janice?”

  “Of course. I’d be honored, of course.”

  “Mom,” Kerstin began. “Would you prefer to take her through the shift training or shall I? And I assume we will wait until tomorrow?”

  “Daughter, you shall train her, I will assist with Dena as second. Janice will be the stand in for family, as she has none with her for this time. I’m free anytime after noon. I’m positive we can free Dena up if she isn’t already available.”

  “Thank you, Mom, for your faith in me.”

  I wasn’t sure what had happened but I theorized it had to do with herd dynamics rather than who was actually more qualified to teach me things. I decided to ask Janice about it when I next saw her alone. It turned out that wouldn’t be long.

  “Mom, I’ll walk you out. I need to go get medication and set Tori up with a halter monitor.”

  Sara turned to me and took my hands in both of her own. “You are herd, family, now. We will take care of you and guide you through this important time. Rest well. Tomorrow will be a big day.”

  “Thank you, Sara. I’m still frightened but less so than earlier.”

  “I’ll be back with everything in a few minutes. Janice, would you mind hanging out until I get back?”

  “Not at all. Take your time.”

  I said good night to Sara and collapsed onto the couch near Janice with a sigh. I had so many things going through my head that I wasn’t sure I could make sense of any of it. The only thing that brought me any comfort was that Janice had agreed to help with my First Shift.

  “Hey, thanks. You know, for tomorrow.”

  “There’s no need to thank me. You’re going to be fine but if I can help keep you calm then it’s not just my duty to be there but a huge honor as well.”

  “How is babysitting me an honor?”

  “In our culture, the First Shift is usually attended by the same-gendered parent of the shifter, or whichever parent is able if a same-gendered shifter parent isn’t present. There is usually an elder of their pride, herd, pack, or whatever. Sometimes, an older sibling of the same gender is present. If there is a significant other and the First Shift is from human to shifter, then the partner is present. Very occasionally, a close friend may take the place of a sibling or another position. To be allowed to assist during a First Shift is a high honor.”

  “Oh, so, you don’t mind. That’s good because all I could think about was having you there. I feel safe with you. I don’t do vulnerable or needy very well. In case you hadn’t noticed, I’m pretty self-reliant.”

  “I noticed, trust me, I noticed.” Janice smiled at me but I could tell she was slightly amused and being kind, not snarky or mean about it.

  “Yeah well, that’s kind of my character’s fatal flaw. I mean, if I were a novel character at least. Every character has something that makes them flawed. At least one flaw that weakens or traps them. For me, that's my stubborn streak about being self-reliant. I have a hard time asking for help, accepting help, or kind gestures without wondering what price I’ll pay or what it will really cost me.”

  “Rest assured, there is no cost for any kindness shown to you while you’re here. This is just who we are and how we do things. I have the job I have because I love it and I love getting to help people without the extra years of study and all the red tape that Kerstin puts up with. And helping you, I admit that it’s been my pleasure to spend time with you and look at a few of the layers beneath your surface.”

  Now, I may not have spent much time dealing with people live and in person since my move to the woods, but even I picked up that Janice was flirting with me. I hoped I wasn’t getting things wrong but I knew that I had some heavy and serious stuff to deal with before I could really do anything about flirting and the entanglements that can lead to if things go well.

  “I’m grateful for your friendship, Janice, I am. I have to admit, I don't understand it but with you there tomorrow, I know I’ll be safe.”

  “You will be safe and secure no matter my presence or not. If my being there offers some small additional measure of comfort, then I’m happy to help.”

  Janice leaned over and gave me a soft, gentle hug. Let me restate that, a soft and gentle hug that made me feel as if firecrackers were being set off in my body. Damn. I was totally attracted and yet I didn’t feel as if I was in a place to do anything about it. Even if I was positive that I wanted to, there were things to deal with first. We both let go of the hug at the same time and I looked down at my hands, embarrassed by how much I immediately missed the comfort of her arms around me.

  “Can you tell me more about tomorrow?”

  “I’m not positive what you know, so let me know if I hit too much that you’ve heard before.”

  “Of course. For now, assume I know nothing other than there is some ritualistic thing I have to go through.”

  “Since you grew up with your mother’s native traditions, did you ever do a vision quest in your youth?”

  “No, by the time I was of an age, I was busy shunning all things Lakota. I felt as if I’d been pushed and pulled between my parents’ different heritages and I just wanted to be an American teen. I wanted to do all the normal things like hanging out at the mall, watching movies, and listening to music. I didn’t want to hear about vision quests and sweat lodges any more than I wanted to eat mushy peas and wear a poppy for remembrance.”

  “Ah. So, I’ll posit you’ve never done a sweat lodge?”

  “Oh no, please tell me I don’t have to do one tomorrow. I hate saunas.”

  “No need to panic. No sweats tomorrow and we don’t make you smoke tobacco and offer it to the four directions and the Great Spirit, but if you were to desire any of those things, we would provide the opportunity. Some of this is simply about bringing you to a meditative and mellow state where you can be more in tune with the nature around you.”

  “And if I decline those things?”

  “Well, there are meditations we can do. Guided meditations with or without music. I find the ones with the heartbeat drumming quite helpful to clear my mind.”

  “Fine, let’s suppose I agree to that kind of a thing. Do more people get brought into the mix?”

  “Oh no. I can actually do the drumming or Sara can. Kerstin will lead the meditation and trust me, she’s got a great voice for it. I’ve done many meditations with her leading and I’ve always been so much better for them.”

  “Right, so guided meditation. Do I have to do it naked so I can shift?”

  “No, you won’t be shifting during the meditation. Plus, we’ll all have robes on. The First Shift robes are made to fall away when you shift. We’ll use the meditation to help get you centered and focused. Then we start to teach you how to call out to the Others.”

  “So, break away clothing, like a stripper, relax into a meditation, then call out to my Other?”

  “Not stripper clothing, just modesty garments. Remember, for most shifters this is done with th
eir elder and a parent. No teen wants to be nervous and naked in front of their parents.”

  “Got it. I’ll admit, that makes some sense.”

  “When we teach you the call, it isn’t specifically to your Other but an invitation to the Others of your form. You’ll make a call to the white-tailed deer Others and one will choose you. When she does, that is when you’ll shift.”

  “This is a lot to wrap my head around. You know that, right?”

  “I do, Tori. I grew up with it and now I’ve been trained in assisting people through the process. Our teens are generally more excited than nervous and the meditation helps them center so they can be calm enough to contact the Others. In cases like yours, there are a lot of different emotions swirling through and we have to take steps to limit the fear and keep you as calm as possible.”

  A light knock sounded and Kerstin came in with the monitor. She had Beth with her, the night nurse who had been so helpful to me in my early moments.

  “Hello, Tori. I thought that since Dr. Mueller was in need of one of us to assist with the telemetry for your monitor, I’d come down and check on you. How’ve you been settling in?”

  “I’ll admit that I’ve had some pretty rough moments. I’m still dealing with the shock that this is all real. And that I took a life, but I’m doing better with it than I did at first. I can’t say I’ve missed the food upstairs.”

  “Hey now, I don’t make the food, missy. I just told you that you had to eat it. Let’s get you wired for sound now.”

  In a few minutes I was fully wired up to the halter monitor. I admit that I wasn’t thrilled about using it again but it was just until tomorrow’s session. I hoped.

  “I’m going to take off, if that’s all right, Tori.” Janice came over to the bedroom door. Beth had moved me in there to do the hook up of my nighttime wired wear.

  “Sure, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to keep you. You’ll be here tomorrow, right?”

  “Promise. Nothing will keep me and I will be with you as much or as little as you want. Doc gave me an extra personal day so no one gets to boss me around but you.”

  “I’ll keep it in mind. Thanks again, Janice. Be safe.”