by Jan Spiller
Another way that people with this nodal position sabotage themselves in their personal relationships is that they put out energy to create the results they want, and then when it works, they back off and the energy fizzles. It’s as if they think the other person will suddenly know what they want just because they initiated something a few times. For example, if they want their relationship to be more romantic, they’ll do a couple of things that are romantic, thinking: “Okay, now my partner will be more romantic.” Then they stop being romantic rather than just continuing to do it because it gives THEM pleasure. This blocks intimacy because it makes them seem hot and cold and the other person never knows what to expect. Others can’t come into alignment with new relationship behaviors if these behaviors aren’t sustained over time.
In their relationships, as in all other areas of their life, when Leo North Node people don’t have a clear direction, they have a hard time connecting with the creative flow. When this occurs, the best way to get themselves going again is to choose one small outcome they would like to create. It may be as simple as calling a friend to cheer them up, or putting together a little dinner party. By becoming fully committed to producing one small, successful outcome, they are forced to engage their will, and that begins to free up their creative energy and gives them the boost they need to move ahead and focus on something else that makes them happy. One reason this works is that they can’t feel any support from others until their creative energy is actively engaged. If they would just take a step in a direction that makes them happy (enroll in an art class, begin a writing project, participate in a sports activity), it will be easy for others to support them because they will be generating so much joy and vitality.
Giving Love—Generosity
Leo North Node people are learning how to give Love. They are finding out that when they initiate the generosity of giving in all forms—financially and emotionally—the other person will give back to them and the happiness of the feeling of Love can be shared. They are learning to be more generous with their money, as well as with their hearts. Money and gifts are channels for demonstrating Love. If someone is generous with you—tuned in to you and wanting to give you what makes you happy—it validates your sense of self-worth. People give to charities because they feel the cause is worthwhile. Likewise, giving to others is a way of validating their worth to you. Giving money is an action-oriented way of saying: “I value you and believe in you, and I want to help further what you are doing.”
Someone with this nodal position often has a tendency to negate their spontaneous impulses to give to others. In fact, they may insist that every purchase has to pass the “test” of usefulness or practicality. Their loved ones seldom feel that they can just buy something because they want it. The native may take this approach with gifts, money, and emotions, instead of really tuning in to whatever the other person needs to be happy and giving it to them. This emotional and financial stinginess blocks intimacy in their relationships. The other people in their life often feel that they are taken for granted, since their uniqueness and their specialness to the native are seldom acknowledged.
Leo North Node people are learning that in order for giving to work for them, it must be based on a proper motive with no expectation of getting something in return. True giving is an act of Love—appreciation for who the other person is, acknowledgment of what they mean to you, gratitude for how they have supported you—or you give something just because you know it will bring the other person joy. To increase the experience of intimacy in their lives, Leo North Node people are learning to take action when something in the other person evokes their desire to give.
However, they need to be wary of giving with the expectation of a specific result, because then it’s not really a gift, it’s a bribe, and they are always going to be disappointed. Then they may stop giving, and this hurts both people involved. The native needs to give to keep their heart open; by withholding, they block intimacy and the other person is less likely to give back to them.
These people can also get into trouble because sometimes they give in order to look good, or to get the attention of their peers. But when they aren’t giving from their heart, the other person feels it isn’t a true gift, and the native’s expectation of a particular result creates a sense of pressure in the situation. It’s like they set the other person up to lie to them or give them an artificial response: “Oh, this is what I should do. This is what they would like.” Others may not respond from their hearts because they don’t feel the native’s heart has gone into it. If they were to genuinely make the Love connection by giving from their heart without expectation of return, the other person would give back their appreciation from their heart. They want the immediate gratification, and actually this is inherent in true giving. When they give to honor the specialness of another, their act of love and support creates emotional satisfaction and balance within themselves.
Expressing Individuality
“Specialness” is the inner creativity that we all have, which expresses itself through our own unique talents and individuality. We demonstrate our specialness when we engage our creative energy and manifest a result—or pursue a goal—that makes us happy.
Often, Leo North Node people haven’t demonstrated their own specialness yet, because instead of strengthening their individuality by taking action and finding out what they are good at and what makes them happy, they tend to be preoccupied with their flaws. In fact, when others do see the native’s specialness and validate it, these people often don’t allow it to register. They discount it with the notion that either the other person is being kind, has ulterior motives, or is too ignorant or inexperienced to realize they really aren’t special.
Due to past life influences, these people are used to being the one who helps other people shine. Now, out of their fear that someone will find out that they’re not really special, the native is again focusing on the specialness of others. In their relationships, they often put the other person on a pedestal, allowing them to take center stage and direct the show. This tendency creates a lot of problems, since the other person’s ego often gets pretty inflated. It also blocks intimacy, because rather than taking action to create more joy and excitement in their relationships, they tend to sit back and wait for the other person to initiate. They long to be the center of attention, but they’re afraid that if they show themselves as being special they might be seen as egotistical; then others would talk badly about them and would stop loving them. They want others to love them, so they tell themselves that everyone else is more intelligent, better looking, more aware of what’s going on, better dressed…anything to put themselves lower than the other person.
The lesson for them this lifetime is that everyone is special, just by virtue of having the life force flow through them. They are learning that everyone is just being an individual, and no one can be as good at being them as they are. In fact, their habit of holding back and squashing their own ego from passionate and open expression blocks intimacy and the possibility of shared happiness, because others can’t appreciate them for simply being their true self. The native feels that there’s no intimacy, because the other doesn’t accept him for who he is. And, in fact, the whole relationship is based on a lie if the native has never shown the other person who they truly are.
There’s no vitality in the relationship if the Leo North Node person didn’t stay in integrity by following what made them happy—they followed what they thought would make the other person happy. But the result is that others don’t feel close to them, because on some level they know it’s an act and that the native is just telling them what they think they want to hear. Instead, Leo North Node people need to learn to demonstrate their specialness and individuality by pursuing activities that make them happy. When focusing on a creative project, they are less self-conscious and more open, which makes them more attractive—both to themselves and to others.
Leo North Node people tend to be overly affected by others in their environment. I had a client who started doing numerology charts for her friends because they were interested in metaphysics. She got really excited and read several books on the subject, saying: “Yes! This is what I should be doing with my life!” And then she connected with other friends who had different interests and she just forgot about metaphysics and went in another direction. Leo North Node people don’t feel confident enough within themselves to stay in the middle of creating their life the way they want it to be. They are learning to keep going forward even though they may have to shift their approach in response to feedback from others.
They experience a lot of self-doubt until they begin to develop their individuality by spending time in activities—and with people—who make them feel personally happy. The issue is actually one of being in integrity—with themselves and others—by ceasing to base their behavior on how they think others will react. By not caring if their peers like them or ridicule their passionate involvement in their own interests, they become free to start openly expressing their individuality and establishing their own unique style. This is what they’re working on this lifetime: the integrity of being totally themselves all the time, no matter who they are with. Rather than being an amalgamation of everyone they have ever seen, they are surprised to find out that they are happiest when they are simply being themselves.
Until they get to this point, a Leo North Node person seems to wear their heart on their sleeve and tell others all about themselves, but what they are portraying is not how they really feel or who they really are. Inside is a scared person, wondering how they made it this far with these really cool people in their life. They spend a lot of time and energy comparing themselves to others and trying to create a persona that they think will please the other person. However, then they feel like they have to hold back from expressing themselves in the relationship so they won’t mess up the other person’s image of them. They’re afraid to be themselves because they’ve become who they think the other person wants them to be, and now they’re worried that the other person might not like a new part of them if it doesn’t fit with the persona that they themselves created.
This blocks intimacy because the native never feels they are loved for who they really are and when they hide their true selves, the other person can’t, in fact, connect with them. They feel like they see others, but that others don’t really see them or “get” who they are. They end up feeling sad and taken for granted, and they miss the fire of their own creative spirit. And when they aren’t really honest about what they want or take action to actively express their creative energy, they become very needy and feel like they have to be “filled up” by someone else. But they aren’t doing anything that would allow the other person to help them and support them. This pattern can cause others to see them as high maintenance in terms of their relationships. By not allowing themselves to succeed and stand out, they also block intimacy by not giving others an opportunity to admire them, which is exactly what they need most in order to get their Love energy flowing. They are good at acknowledging those around them as being shining stars, but often have the mistaken idea that if they allow their light to shine it will somehow diminish others—when just the opposite is true. Now they are learning to allow themselves to be a shining star in their own right, and finding that they can infuse their own life—and others’—with glamour and fun.
Succeeding in Sexually Intimate Relationships
One of the biggest blocks to intimacy for Leo North Node people is that—even in their sexually intimate relationships—they tend to stand apart from the emotion. And when problems arise, they usually opt for avoiding confrontation, taking a superficial, practical approach to emotional distress rather than going deeper to permanently resolve emotional upsets with their partner. This blocks intimacy because their partner knows that the native isn’t really invested in resolving the core issue. As a result, the same problems just keep arising over and over in different forms, because they were never really addressed on the level of emotional need, which is where problems in intimate, bonded relationships are actually occurring.
For example, I have a client who needs order in his environment to thrive, while his Leo North Node wife has a habit of clutter and disorganization. She spent the first two years of their marriage trying to organize their household—going through papers, getting rid of books, and deciding where to put things—which created a lot of disorder. Then she renovated the kitchen, which resulted in another two years of chaos. The year after that her mother passed away, and an enormous amount of “stuff” entered their tiny New York City apartment, creating more chaos. In the ten years they’ve been married, his wife has been “handling” one thing after another and thinks she is resolving the disorganization problem (the same issue in different forms), while he feels like he has endured perpetual chaos.
This blocked intimacy because eventually he started feeling frustrated and resentful that his deep feelings continued to be overlooked. His Leo North Node wife kept on searching for one “practical” solution after another, without really taking the emotional component of her husband’s identity into account. As a result, whenever something came up that even remotely resembled the original issue, the husband exploded, which caused fighting and a lack of intimacy. The wife didn’t know why he got so angry, when all she did was “one little thing.” But it’s not the “one little thing”—it’s that “thing” in many forms over ten years! With Leo North Node people and their partners, issues need to be resolved in a way that acknowledges each other’s individuality on both a mental and emotional level. In this example, a more permanent solution might have been for the husband to carve out his own orderly, private space in their bedroom, and have that room be his domain. This would validate and support his emotional need for order, while she continued with her style of ongoing organization.
This negation of the emotional connection—with their own feelings and with their mate—often leads to other serious problems in their primary relationship. To begin with, even in choosing their life partner they tend to think of it in terms of: “We like to do the same things, we both want children, the sex is good…” They base their decision on what makes logical sense to them, instead of their feeling response to the other person. This blocks intimacy because they’re not emotionally available when part of them stays in their mind so that they can retain distance and mental objectivity. Their partner senses if they aren’t really coming from their heart, so they begin to hold back from creating a deeper bond. They can feel that the native isn’t really allowing themselves to be vulnerable, and they think that the Leo North Node person isn’t as involved as they say they are. If this doesn’t change, their partner may continue to detach and eventually come to think of the relationship more as a convenient friendship, rather than a happy romantic bond.
If Leo North Node people don’t remain conscious of the importance of this emotional connection, they may stop following through on their impulses to be generous with their partner. Then the other person may start doubting themselves: “What’s wrong with me?” They look around and see that other mates are being doted upon by their partners and wonder why they aren’t getting the same attention. This blocks intimacy because when the native doesn’t acknowledge the things that are important to their significant other, that person no longer feels they are special to the native, so they begin withdrawing to protect their own sense of self-worth. They also stop going out of their way to honor the native’s specialness. This starts a downward spiral and no one wins. The unmet need to feel special and important to a significant other continues to grow, and if this dynamic doesn’t change, it leaves both people open to seeking alternative fulfillment. Then down the road if someone comes along who says to either one of them: “You’re really special!” it’s all too easy to go in a new direction.
This short circuit of emotional connectedness certainly
affects physical intimacy. When these people aren’t centered in the spontaneity of their hearts’ responses, they usually fail to initiate physical demonstrations of affection: hand holding, touching, hugging, backrubs, etc. And it isn’t that the native doesn’t feel passion and the tugs of their heartstrings. They have the urge to express and demonstrate their love, but may hold back taking action out of fear that it won’t be accepted and reciprocated. This blocks intimacy because their partner misses these demonstrations of affection and begins to feel resentful. If the Leo North Node person isn’t demonstrating their love by touching their mate and tuning in to their responses, the other person may decide that the native isn’t someone who can meet their emotional needs and make them happy.
Once they become aware, their best bet is to stop focusing on themselves and start giving periods of full attention to their partner so they can create the romantic passion that is so important to their bond. A good way for them to begin is to ask their partner: “Give me a list of ten things that I can do that will make you feel loved.” Then the idea is to follow up by periodically doing something on the list to demonstrate their love through action that they know will bring their partner pleasure. To ignite the emotional exchange of Love on the personal level, the Leo North Node person must be willing to access their emotions and fully give pleasure to the other person.