by Jan Spiller
Virgo North Node people are discovering how to moderate their trust in alignment with practical reality—it doesn’t have to be “all or nothing.” And it’s not being judgmental to use good judgment and accept the fact that people aren’t perfect. Ultimately, the native will find that they can trust others to be themselves. So if they allow themselves to accurately discern who the other person is, they can be more discriminating in terms of their emotional vulnerability. Then they won’t be so easily devastated by the other person’s behavior. Even so, there will be times the native feels that someone has betrayed them. And again, the idea for them is to take a practical approach and confront that person in order to learn the truth of the situation and set things right.
Another place where Virgo North Node people aren’t clear about appropriate limits is on their level of involvement. These people can become so focused on their primary interest—it could be work, a hobby, or a person—that they totally lose their sense of proportion. For many of these natives, there’s nothing they enjoy more than their work, because it’s usually where they feel the most in control. This creates imbalance in their life, as they want to put all their time, energy, and passion into their job.
Sometimes this is also an escape from the anxiety they experience from not feeling confident in dealing with the other areas of their life. Whatever the reason, when they allow this to happen it affects their families deeply. Their mate may receive very little attention and the children seldom see their parent at any of their school or sports events.
However, these natives are also quite sensitive, and once they realize how their lack of attention can hurt those who are close, their big hearts will naturally begin to contribute what others want and need. One plan is to put all of the family’s important events on their calendar—plus a reminder to acknowledge their mate in special ways from time to time. They are learning to take responsibility for organizing how they spend their time and to INTEGRATE exercise, work, family, socializing, and recreational activities into their schedule in order to create a well-balanced life.
Perhaps the area where they most need to set personal limits is in their relationships with others. These people understand others deeply and feel a lot of compassion. Often they allow themselves to be taken advantage of—not due to lack of intelligence, but because they have such a kind heart. For instance, if someone does something hurtful to the native, often there’s not a confrontation and no consequence—and the other person soon realizes this.
When the native is “kind to a fault” and allows another to treat them badly, they feel sad that the other person is taking advantage of their loving nature. Then they feel sorry for themselves and see themselves as a victim. With this dynamic they’re always afraid that people will take advantage of them and may have a hard time trusting anyone. This blocks intimacy, because when another person senses that the native doesn’t trust them, they pull back and become distrustful as well. In order to create healthier relationships, these people are learning to set and respect personal limits and not to allow abusive behavior from others.
Healing Anxiety and Shame—Staying in the Present Moment
Virgo North Node people have had many past lives in seclusion, often in monastic environments, but also in institutions—even jails—either as a result of their own behavior or as an innocent victim. Part of the reason for this seclusion was that it provided time for self-examination, purification, and spiritual growth. As a result, they have come into this lifetime with a forgiving and non-judgmental attitude toward others, but this lack of past life experience navigating out in the world has left them feeling helpless and insecure.
These people experience constant, free-floating anxiety and fear that others will take advantage of them. They are also prone to panic attacks and other anxiety-induced reactions. These natives are learning that the best way to deal with this problem is to focus on the physical realities of the present moment. When they consciously increase their awareness of the colors of someone’s clothes, the temperature of the air on their skin, or the smells on the breeze, their anxieties naturally relax.
Another issue they struggle with due to their incarnational history is that—on an unconscious level—they feel ashamed of their past life imprisonment and institutionalization. Because of their level of spiritual awareness, they tend to feel this was their fault even if they were not directly responsible. As a result, it can be difficult for them to feel on an equal footing in their interactions with others. This poses a challenge in terms of creating healthy relationships, where equality is such an essential factor.
These natives are also hypersensitive to others’ opinions of them and often feel like they’re being judged. If they think someone is looking down on them unjustly, they become indignant—either lashing out or feeling superior and withdrawing. But if they think someone is looking down on them concerning something they already feel anxious about, then they’re devastated. For example, I have a Virgo North Node client who is a cancer survivor. Before her hair had grown back she was in a health food store and another woman dropped something. My client reached over to pick it up and the woman screamed: “Don’t touch me!” My client felt like crawling into a hole.
Another client with this nodal position was in a bookstore. She noticed that the owner was very respectful toward the man in front of her, commenting favorably on the book he had selected. But when she stated her book choice, she thought he looked at her disdainfully and she felt really belittled; she just wanted to run out of the store. This oversensitivity gives other people entirely too much power over the native’s emotional state.
In fact, their anxiety about how others might respond to them makes them hesitant to go out in the world and relate to others spontaneously. They tend to keep their guard up, fearing that if they reveal too much of themselves someone will judge them. In fact, when they really like someone, they tend to get nervous and may even stumble over their words—almost as if they feel like there’s something they have to hide. They tend to think that if they are themselves, the other person will see some negative part of them and won’t like them.
These people are learning to focus less on their internal states and do more on a practical level to create positive, tangible results. For instance, my client could have had a different experience with the bookstore owner if she had engaged him as an equal by discussing what the book was about or sharing why she wanted to read it. But instead she withdrew because she felt ashamed. In personal relationships this dynamic blocks intimacy, since the native tends to pull back from a situation rather than stepping forward to create a higher level of understanding with their partner.
With all they have been through in past incarnations, this nodal group more than any other has earned the comfort of knowing that in the Big Picture, life is unfolding as it should. They come into this lifetime firmly anchored in this awareness, but most of them lose touch with it early on when they begin to feel criticized or when unpleasant things happen that they can’t control. Then their past life feelings of shame and anxiety may overwhelm them, resulting in a tendency to replay negative situations over and over—spiraling themselves into a pit of agitation and fear. At any time, they can “stop the replay” and reconnect with their innate spiritual trust to regain calm.
Virgo North Node people usually reprocess everything. They worry that their clothes don’t fit right, their haircut isn’t attractive, they’ve made a bad business decision, the neighbor doesn’t like them, etc.—and it makes those around them crazy! These natives are the nodal group most prone to panic attacks, until they remember how to consciously tap into their underlying trust in the Universe. Then they can focus on creating a practical plan to deal with their current circumstances appropriately.
However, until they regain this awareness, Virgo North Node people feel a constant need to pull others into their internal anxieties. Another may try to help, but the native’s needs can se
em like a bottomless pit and sometimes both people end up feeling trapped in the native’s negative energy. They have spent many lifetimes focused on purification, but in this lifetime their habit of self-attention can sabotage their relationships. Their partner often ends up feeling that real intimacy is impossible because the native is so self-absorbed. If these people mainly relate to others by talking about themselves and their problems, it doesn’t allow for a deeper, more mutually satisfying connection to develop. As a result, their relationships take on a superficial tone and both people are deprived of the richness of true intimacy.
The irony is that when the native focuses their attention on someone else, their innate sensitivity allows them to accurately see and articulate what’s going on with the other person. In fact, these people have a gift for drawing others out. People tend to feel safe with the native and speak frankly, because they sense they won’t be judged. Not only does this establish the kind of mutually satisfying connection these people seek, but as they demonstrate Love by helping another, it reestablishes their own confidence in being able to function in the world. And when they feel good about themselves, their underlying anxiety and shame dissipates.
The challenge Virgo North Node people have with focusing on others is compounded by the fact that they are usually quite sensitive and shy. They often refrain from attending social events due to their anxiety about how others see them. In a social setting it’s easy for their anxiety to become overwhelming. Without a defined “job,” they don’t know how to fit in and participate.
One of the ways they can cope with this obstacle is to learn to define their own “job” in these situations. In fact, this is a “serve or suffer” lifetime for these people; if their intention is to be of service in a practical way, a pathway for creating a feeling of confidence will naturally emerge. For example, if the native is at a party and begins to feel anxious, their best bet is to focus on how they can be of help to another in a tangible way. It might be offering to assist in the kitchen, or approaching someone who is alone and helping them feel included.
These natives are learning that if they focus their attention on participating in some way that helps the situation progress in a positive direction, they automatically gain confidence and begin to feel at ease. And they will be amazed at how appreciatively others respond when they act on the purity of their intent.
Learning a Practical Approach to Creating Healthy Relationships
One of Virgo North Node people’s lessons this lifetime is to stay in touch with concrete circumstances and respond to others in practical ways as a situation unfolds. Until they learn to do this they tend to focus on their internal perceptions of events, which often lead to unhealthy emotional reactions—the most problematic of which are their hypersensitivity to rejection and a tendency to take things personally.
These people often have a deep fear that they aren’t “good enough” in the eyes of others, and they frequently experience rejection in situations where another person might not. If they think they’ve been rejected, it activates their internal “anxiety treadmill”: “What’s the matter with me? What doesn’t she like about me? What am I doing wrong?” They tend to focus on themselves and their flaws—real or imagined—and can’t analyze the situation objectively. For instance, I have a Virgo North Node client who goes to dance clubs. Other people know that, practically speaking, if you go to a dance club you will experience rejection, in that not everyone you ask to dance is going to agree—but it’s not personal. But when my client asks a girl to dance, if she says no, he takes it personally, feels crushed, and wonders what’s wrong with him.
The native’s extreme sensitivity can block intimacy in their relationships. When they feel rejected they usually mope around and don’t even try to connect with the other person to find out what’s really going on. And this dynamic is another reason it’s so difficult for them to say no. If someone declines their invitation, the native feels slapped down, so they fear that the other person would be wounded in a similar situation.
They are learning that when others say no, it usually doesn’t have anything to do with them. The other person may not be interested in that particular activity, or the timing doesn’t work for them, etc., but the native is so afraid of rejection that they hesitate to call them again. A more constructive response is for the native to quiet their mind and get some objective information about the other person’s reasons—then they won’t take it personally. Analysis is in order. Also, by consciously reconnecting with their motive for inviting them in the first place—that it would enrich the other person’s life as well as their own—the native will be less self-conscious about asking them another time.
These people are finding that they will experience greater success in their relationships by taking the risk to check out their perceptions with those involved. If the circumstance is not emotional—i.e., work related—they are able to be more objective. But in romantic or emotional situations, they may be too anxious to go after what they want. These folks are learning to participate in creating what they want, rather than withdrawing.
I had a client with this nodal position who became pregnant. When she told her boyfriend, he said he wanted to marry her, but she said no and ended the pregnancy. Later, upon reflection, she wished she had said yes. It had been a good relationship and they felt a lot of love for each other. She only said no because she feared his parents wouldn’t think she was good enough. She just reacted out of her fear of rejection instead of taking time to really analyze the situation and discuss it with her boyfriend—which can be a self-sabotaging tendency of this nodal group.
When challenges arise, these people are learning to give themselves the time they need to get in touch with the results they would like to create. In this situation, my client needed to slow down and acknowledge what her boyfriend was offering (“Thank you for asking me.”). Then she could share what she wanted to create (“I would like to say yes, because I feel we could have a happy life together.”). It would also be important that she take the risk to honestly state her concerns (“But I have a lot of fear that your parents will reject me.”). This would have given her partner a chance to work it out with her by analyzing the situation and coming up with a plan together.
Because of their past life history, Virgo North Node people lack confidence in terms of being out in the world, and tend to be very shy, especially when they’re young. Then, when they get their first job, they discover that not only do they have a tremendous ability to succeed in the workplace, but they also feel comfortable there. A job requires exactly the talents they are here to discover and develop this lifetime: the ability to bring order out of chaos in the external world by taking a practical approach. These people have an innate talent for synthesis—taking little strands of concrete information and weaving them into something meaningful. So they naturally excel at work and feel confident because they have a defined task to do.
They have a much more difficult time in social situations, where their “task” isn’t clearly defined by someone else. On a personal level they don’t know what to do in order to succeed, and tend to feel insecure and anxious. They are learning to apply the same principles that give them confidence at work to dealing with other areas of their life. Whatever the situation, involving themselves in some helpful task automatically makes them feel connected and confident; demonstrating unconditional love by being of service always creates positive results and gives them confidence.
For example, one client with this nodal position had a good job and felt ready for a serious relationship. But he was extremely anxious approaching women, so I suggested that he stay focused on finding a way to be of service. While attending a college reunion he felt attracted to the woman tending bar. First he just engaged in small talk, and then he asked if she was hungry. There was an abundance of delicious food but she wasn’t allowed to leave her post, so he brought her a plate of food. Having an intent t
o be of service and defining a “task” for himself gave my client confidence, and by the end of the evening he had successfully asked her out.
In just this way, when Virgo North Node people find practical ways to take tangible action, they lose their fear and anxiety and realize that they have the ability to create positive results in every area of their life.
Creating Win-Win Situations: Responding to Others in Constructive Ways
From experiencing so much violence and deprivation in past incarnations, Virgo North Node people have learned to respond to others with forgiveness and unconditional love, but it has also made them hypervigilant. In this lifetime they are overly sensitive to other people’s words and actions. This makes it challenging for them to respond to others in constructive ways that create win-win resolutions.
For instance, if someone is upset at an intensity of “one,” the native will feel it internally as an intensity of “nine.” They often pick up on the smallest changes in another’s body language or tone of voice, and by the time the other person actually says something to them, the native experiences it like a blow. It’s even worse when they have let their defenses down and trust someone who later responds in a way that—to them—seems emotionally harsh. Then the native reacts by armoring themselves emotionally, which makes intimacy impossible.