by Jan Spiller
These people also had past lives where, as a consequence of others’ false accusations, they were martyred. As a result, in this lifetime false accusations are an especially loaded issue, to which their instinctive “survival mode” reaction is most often profound withdrawal. They don’t even try to defend themselves, because they feel too far “above” the other person to dignify their allegation with a response.
This dynamic sabotages their relationships if instead of taking action to uncover what’s behind the other person’s misconception, the native just cuts them off. This “punishes” the other person, but doesn’t give them any accurate information. In fact, many times they never know what they did wrong or why the native is so angry. Both parties lose the chance to grow from the situation and the native holds on to the feelings of anger and betrayal, which undermine their future relationships. Sometimes the only gain from a painful situation is to discover what behaviors will—and will not—produce the positive results we want to create.
Discovering what behavioral changes will better bring about the results they seek is vital for Virgo North Node people to create a success. However, they often resist this process because, unconsciously, they know they tend to overreact to anything that makes them feel judged or criticized. Due to so many past lives where their only goal was to clear out all “internal errors,” if someone says, “This isn’t right about you,” they experience a paralyzing fear of being less than their vision of their highest self. Then their overactive mind can gain control and send them into a tailspin of introspection and anxiety. When they try to guard against this reaction, it blocks intimacy, since when others try to help them grow by pointing out self-sabotaging behaviors, their fear may come across as stubborn rigidity. As a result, the other person experiences them as closed and unapproachable—unwilling to listen or to compromise.
Ironically, if it’s obvious that there’s some truth to what the other person has said, the native may become angry. Instead of focusing on their flaws, they want others to see the bigger picture of “who they really are” in the context of their life as a whole.
For example, one client with this nodal position was saving every penny to help put his disabled sister through college. When a friend commented that he was stingy because he never offered to treat for dinner, the native was upset. However, he had never shared about this aspect of his life. These people are learning that it takes time for another person to get to know them, and it’s understandable if occasionally someone comes to a wrong conclusion. Again, this calls for the native to actively participate in the situation and respond to their friend by supplying more information, instead of just shutting down or lashing out. When they step forward, they can bring order out of the confusion and create a win-win situation for all concerned.
In reality, Virgo North Node people don’t have any more flaws or emotional baggage than anyone else. The difference is that those in other nodal groups aren’t usually so aware of—and focused on—their “baggage.” In this lifetime, one lesson for this is to objectively see—and accept—the person they really are. If someone says they have a certain quality, they are learning to discriminate between the objective content of what the other person is saying and the emotions it triggers within them. Then they can say: “Well, let me think about that.” Later they can go back and respond: “You know, I don’t really think I have that behavior” or “Thank you for pointing that out. I do have that behavior and I’m going to work on changing it.” These natives can gain this ability just by becoming aware and focusing their attention when they interact with others.
However, until they get to this point in their life, when others offer any type of feedback, the native tends to react defensively—and their defense mechanisms vary. One may become domineering, another petty and testy, and another may completely withdraw. Whatever the differences, their defensive reactions damage their relationships because others feel they can’t connect to work things out with them.
Also, when the native takes their input personally, the other person tends to take their response the same way. It’s not personal, it’s just their reaction, but the person on the receiving end may take it personally because the native’s style of delivery can hurt. And whether the other person stands their ground or pulls back, this dynamic blocks intimacy because their partner feels that they can’t just be themselves—if they speak and act spontaneously, they might hurt the native’s feelings or provoke a defensive reaction. All these constraints make it a lot less fun to do things with the native.
Another issue is that these folks tend to consider themselves to be “amateur experts” in many areas and are always willing to share their information with others. However, when others want to return the favor and share advice with them, if the content has any emotion attached to it—or if another person says they “should” do something—the native pulls back. They have a lot of resistance to allowing others to help them progress. But the reality is that it’s very difficult for any of us to make constructive changes unless we receive feedback when we are off track.
One way these people can bypass defensive reactions is to participate in a situation where giving and receiving constructive feedback is the stated goal—such as group or peer counseling, or meetings with other professionals. Even a clear agreement with a friend to engage in mutual problem-solving can help the native to heal this issue. They are learning that we are all in this together, helping each other learn and grow, and empowering one another to attain greater levels of self-actualization and joy.
Overcoming a Self-Sabotaging Tendency to Play the Victim Role
Virgo North Node people have past life memories of being an “unsuspecting victim,” so in this lifetime they are very wary of putting themselves in situations where they might actually be victimized. Ironically, they also tend to feel sorry for themselves and take on the role of helpless victim in the face of any disappointment or loss, acting as if they must just hopelessly suffer through the situation.
Sometimes when they are immersed in seeing themselves as the “helpless victim,” they will also try to cast someone close to them in the role of their “savior.” But even when they ask for help, they are often reluctant to take any tangible steps that could actually shift their circumstances. Their willingness to give up so easily and their dependence on their chosen “savior” make it difficult for their loved ones.
One client, whose mother had this nodal position, would tell her: “Mom, please don’t call me so often, it’s not healthy for me to do everything for you.” Then her mother would say: “Yes, but I lost my husband and I don’t have any other children to turn to—only you.” She would also say things like: “So and so sees their daughter three times a week and they do everything together.” This mother had a certain idea of what her daughter’s role should be and she was insistent that her daughter play it. But when these natives try to force someone into a role, it pushes the other person away and blocks the intimacy they want so much to experience.
Her mother’s dependency became very stressful for my client. She said: “It feels like a huge responsibility. She gets very worried if she can’t find me, and her emotional needs are like a bottomless pit.” The daughter feels they can’t be close in REAL ways because they’re constantly immersed in her mother’s “pea soup” of anxiety. She loves her mother, but has to keep some distance emotionally. She also feels angry because she would like to have a healthy relationship with her mother. Actually, her anger and resentment help to keep her from getting enmeshed in her mother’s unhealthy dynamics. It’s like quick-sand—it takes a lot of energy to keep from being pulled under.
This pattern of victim behavior really sabotages the relationships of Virgo North Node people. When these folks are so lost in their own anxiety that they can’t be present in the here and now, there’s no context in which they can truly connect with the other person. One of their lessons this lifetime is to find ways to ris
e above their anxious mental state. They may have a whole laundry list of reasons not to take practical steps to create positive change for themselves. However, others won’t want to be close to them until they demonstrate their strength and start transforming their personal chaos into a productive, healthy order. They are learning to take steps to create routines that give them the structure they need.
However, this simple practical resolution may be overlooked by Virgo North Node people, because in past incarnations they developed the ability to resolve their external problems by pulling back and working on their own internal issues. But this technique is no longer appropriate for them in this lifetime. Now they are learning to resolve their internal issues by taking practical measures to remedy situations on an external level. When they follow their unconscious tendencies to focus inward, it increases their anxiety and makes the situation worse. But until they gain this awareness, this issue undermines their ability to create intimacy in their relationships.
A very powerful experiment for these folks is for them to deliberately change their focus. If they approach any situation with the intention of being of service to others, their fear and anxiety disappear like magic. They have a conscious purpose, and that purpose—the desire to help another—empowers them to rise above their internal anxieties and stop being “a victim.” In the previous example, the mother’s focusing on her daughter’s life—on what she could do to help or be of service—would have relieved many of her anxieties about herself.
Many things can prompt Virgo North Node people to fall into the victim role: physical ailments, a disappointing love affair, problems on the job, the death of someone close, etc. But they are also prone to this dynamic even in less dramatic circumstances. One scenario is that if someone belittles them, the native will often take the victim position. Rather than objectively evaluating what the other person says—and setting them straight if it’s not accurate—they tend to automatically believe the other’s view of them and feel diminished.
For example, I had a Virgo North Node client whose boyfriend played mind games that triggered her “less than” feelings, even though she was more attractive, better educated, and made more money than he did. At one point she wrote an article that was published in the main journal of her profession. When she asked her boyfriend to look at it, he said: “I wouldn’t understand it, so why bother?” Yet when his friend’s daughter wrote an article that was equally technical, he went out of his way to make sure it was seen and appreciated—and my client was crushed.
These people are learning that they need to step up to the plate and take a more active role in making sure their relationships are just and equal. In this situation, my client could have pointed out to her boyfriend what happened, stated that she wanted and deserved his respect and support, and let him know how his behavior needed to change in order for her to remain in the relationship. If these natives don’t actively participate in their relationships, it blocks intimacy. If they give so much to another and allow that person to not give back, they feel betrayed and end up withdrawing.
Virgo North Node people are learning to stop playing the part of the victim. Once they see that—regardless of external circumstances—staying stuck in their internal chaos is debilitating and unnecessary, they will be able to approach their relationships in a more practical way. Once they define their objective, they have the ability to create a plan to attain tangible, positive results. Then they will have gained the realization that—in this lifetime—the path of the victim will not bring them the closeness they seek.
Embracing Participation in Helping Others to Heal
Although Virgo North Node people’s heightened sensitivity can get in their way socially, it also allows them to be highly effective in helping others. They are so accustomed to looking for internal imperfections that when they tune in to another, they can easily see the self-sabotaging patterns of behavior that are limiting that person—and the steps that person needs to take in order to heal those patterns. They also have a good sense of when others are willing to change, and can automatically suggest behavioral corrections in ways others can hear without feeling judged.
For example, a Virgo North Node client had a friend who drank and smoked, was overweight, and didn’t exercise. When he felt the moment was right, my client said: “You know, as you get older you really need to take care of yourself so you won’t face serious problems later on. Even if you diet, it’s not the same thing as running or working out. If you just diet, your muscles don’t get firm. But if you exercise as well, you not only improve your health, you also tighten your muscles—including those in your face—and you look and feel younger and healthier.” His friend was really appreciative, and made a decision to go on a diet and start jogging. My client also felt good about himself because he used his capacity for judgment to be of practical service by helping his friend.
Helping others heal in this way is much more of a challenge for Virgo North Node people when they are directly affected by the other person’s behavior. Ironically, these natives will often evoke bad behavior in those with whom they’re involved because—in order to earn the right to experience happy, fulfilling relationships in this lifetime—they have to be willing to help the other person correct their self-sabotaging behaviors. When they see flaws in others, part of their job is to help other people correct self-sabotaging behavior.
Because they’ve worked on their own flaws over the course of so many lifetimes, not only can these people see others’ imperfections, but they’ve also learned compassion and can understand where the other person is coming from. However, their compassion can get in the way of their active participation. What often happens is that when the native notices another’s flaws, their first reaction is to withdraw instead of stepping forward: “I should avoid this person. They have all these unconscious issues and they’re not interacting with me in a healthy way.” Then, when they realize they are being critical, they feel guilty and are flooded with compassion and unconditional love for the other person. The only problem is that these feelings can lead them to remain in the relationship without actively participating to help the other person change their behavior.
Actually, for these natives, critical discernment is a positive element, because defining what is and isn’t working for them in their relationships gives them a better idea of how they can help heal the situation. Their worst enemy is their own tendency to withdraw, since this shifts them into a helpless position—which instead of helping the other person, just invites them to continue their negative and/or abusive behavior. When the native actively participates to correct the situation, then no matter what happens in the relationship, they can feel good about it because they’ll know they did their part to help the other person, and didn’t diminish themselves by ignoring their personal limits.
For example, another Virgo North Node client’s brother is in control of her family’s substantial holdings, but he’s mismanaging the fund and losing money. Her natural inclination is to withdraw and take the victim position rather than actively participating to correct the situation. She asked me: “Why do I have to help him heal?” The answer is simple. In helping him to heal his flaws and handle the fund more efficiently, she will not get stuck in the victim position, and will ensure—and earn the right to—her money continuing to be available.
The reality is that we are all in the process of learning and growing, and we all experience the consequences of the impure parts of our nature when they manifest in self-sabotaging behaviors. However, we can only grow if we figure out what we’re doing that isn’t working. The job of this nodal group is to step forward and help others clear out their unconscious, self-sabotaging patterns.
The challenge for these people is to figure out the mechanics of how to function in the world in a way that works and that allows them to share their gift of helping and bringing order out of chaos in tangible, productive ways. An added benefit is that
this will also bring the native opportunities to glimpse the process they are learning on a Soul level and that others inherently know: how anxieties are healed by taking practical, tangible steps in the “here and now” to overcome personal flaws or limiting external circumstances.
Succeeding in Sexually Intimate Relationships
Virgo North Node people are very compassionate and they give a lot out of Love. They want to be valued for what they do, and if their partner doesn’t appreciate them, they feel taken advantage of. But when the partner does acknowledge the native and show their appreciation, the native feels good about themselves and the relationship.
These people often fear that if they care about someone deeply, trust them, and bond with them, they will get hurt. When they do become devoted to a partner, they tend to make that person their focus and—because of their difficulty in setting personal limits—they can become too vulnerable. Then they are at risk for giving away their power and surrendering their individuality. They may care for their partner so much that they become almost like a slave, going to any length to make them happy.
However, there’s a huge difference between being of service—a position of strength for the native—and being a slave, which completely devitalizes them. Being a slave means that they tune in to their partner emotionally at every moment, and sacrifice their own needs and desires to cater to the other person’s every perceived whim. Being of service requires the native to approach the situation from a practical rather than an emotional orientation and participate in a way that is helpful and empowering for all concerned, including themselves.
As an example, a Virgo North Node client’s boyfriend wanted the benefits of a primary relationship and the freedom to be sexually involved with others. From the position of being a slave, my client would have gone along with him even if she felt diminished. But being of service meant discussing the practical ramifications of such an arrangement with her boyfriend. For one thing, since her nature was monogamous, if her boyfriend wanted to pursue this path, then honoring her personal limits would prompt her to seek a mate who shares her values.