by Jan Spiller
“If everyone’s performance isn’t perfect, the planned outcome won’t be reached.”
“If I don’t control my surroundings, something bad will happen.”
“Others don’t behave properly.”
“Everyone wants something from me.”
“When things go wrong, others blame me unjustly.”
COMPLAINTS OF THEIR PARTNERS
“They can’t handle any form of criticism—they have to be right.”
“They are overfocused on what is not right.”
“They are often so tightly wound and anxious that they make me uncomfortable.”
“They are insensitive to where other people are coming from.”
“If they get stressed, they panic—they lose control.”
“They’re so critical—they think they know how everybody else ought to be behaving.”
Healing Self-Sabotaging Patterns of Behavior
Pisces North Node people are learning that their power to create a positive experience in this lifetime lies not in trying to change other people or the external world, but in becoming more aware of their own inner world. If they want to change what they are experiencing in the outer world, they must first become conscious of—and change—the dynamics they are putting into motion. They can only change how others behave toward them by examining the energy they are putting out that is inviting the other person’s response. If they change their behavior toward others, they will naturally evoke a different response in return.
For example, I have a Pisces North Node client who recently started her own Web site. When there were problems and delays, she totally freaked out and began yelling at the Webmaster and hosting services. She was in a constant state of anxiety because something was always “wrong,” and this made the people she was dealing with anxious. Since they never knew when they were going to get yelled at, after a while they stopped returning her calls promptly. Then she started judging their behavior: “They’re not responsible people,” etc.
To shift results, her first step would be to calm down and get in touch with the reality of the situation, which is that in the Web business, technological glitches occur on a regular basis. All the Webmaster’s clients experience these problems—it’s nothing personal. It’s also natural that the clients he responds to first are the ones he most enjoys working with or who pay him the most money. Since my client is on a tight budget, to get the results she wants she needs to take a more diplomatic approach.
Part of this issue stems from their many past incarnations as un-cloistered nuns or priests. It was their job to live among the people to demonstrate holiness and teach others how to behave properly. As a result, in this lifetime they often feel the need to straighten out others’ behavior. But since the past life tape is incorrect for this lifetime, if they speak to others in terms of their behavior—“You should clean up your clothes”—they won’t be able to hear the native. But when they share their vision of what they are trying to create—i.e., “I’d love to create a clean, orderly environment today”—the other person can hear them and will be more inclined to cooperate.
By focusing less on the tangible results they want to create and more on the intangible “causes” they are putting into motion, these people can learn how to affect changes that help to create order and calm in their world. This will also allow them to experience greater personal power, because while they can’t change the behavior of others, they can change their own. One of their lessons this lifetime is to accept that Life just “is” and “what is” doesn’t need to change—only how they adapt to it.
Pisces North Node people often feel that everyone wants something from them, and that others don’t support them in taking downtime to rest and rejuvenate. This is largely due to their overattachment to their image of “being the one who serves.” They have given in to the needs of others so many times that those who are close have come to expect the native’s participation in their lives.
Sometimes the native may not want to help. But if they say they need a break, others may urge: “Oh, come on, we really need you.” Then their desire to live up to others’ expectations and demonstrate “correct” behavior may pull them forward against their own Truth. However, when they take on another’s responsibility at their own expense and feel resentful, it’s a sign that they are “off path” they need to step back and reevaluate the situation.
These people actually love to be of service when they can, and they too easily think that others are taking them for granted. This leads to resentment, which can also drain their energy. In fact, their motive is of key importance in these situations. If they stay focused on their vision—i.e., being of service because they truly want to help—their attitude toward the situation changes, which often shifts their experience into one of joy.
And if they need the other person’s behavior to change so they can enjoy being of service, then it’s their responsibility to say so—but without judgment. For example, rather than: “You should be checking in to see how your child is doing,” they could say: “For me to continue babysitting for you, I need to know you’ll answer your cell phone when I call.”
They are learning to take the focus off of trying to change the behavior of others, and instead to let go, have faith, and expand their acceptance of others’ limitations—as well as their own. This is scary for them, but in this lifetime their job is self-purification by working through their own issues. They need to rise above their unhealthy need to exemplify “perfect behavior” and take responsibility for their own health and well-being—physical, psychological, emotional, and spiritual.
These natives are gaining the awareness that they need to keep themselves serene enough to enjoy life. If they don’t, their tightly wound anxiety blocks emotional intimacy with others. Also they tend to go into high-focus, tunnel-vision mode to “get the job done.” But this robs them of letting the magic intervene that can make the journey along the way more fun—for themselves and for those who are close. They are learning to relax.
Rising Above a Subconscious Urge to Be Right and Create Perfect Order
Pisces North Node people have an incredibly strong attachment to being right. Sometimes they can’t even hear what others are saying because they are so rigid in terms of a belief that things are pretty much black and white—and they’re always right. For these natives to admit they were wrong in their original judgment takes a lot.
For example, a client’s Pisces North Node son blamed his mother for everything that led to his parents’ divorce and went to live with his father. After five years, he said to his mother: “I finally understand why it was so hard for you to be with Dad.” It was huge for him to admit that he was wrong about something that was so important to him. These natives do have the potential to change their judgment with enough evidence—but it takes a lot.
They are so invested in being “Mr./Ms. Perfect” that they are always on the alert for any criticism from others. It may seem to them that the other person is watching them—to catch them if they slip up. So if someone says: “You forgot to unplug the coffeepot,” the native freaks out. In past lives as nuns and priests, these natives did have to be perfect, so now when they do something that others perceive as wrong, it really jars them. This is why their reactions to these kinds of simple statements are so exaggerated.
When others blame them, their tendency is to become defensive and get stuck in the blame—both internal and external—rather than working with the other person to fix the problem. They may even make up an elaborate story to prove that leaving the coffeepot plugged in wasn’t their fault (someone else distracted them, etc.). When the other person gets upset, these people are learning to look at the situation objectively and see how they can help resolve it. When they get blamed for something, if they can remember to silently recite the affirmation “All is well and everything is unfolding as it should,” it w
ill give them the mental distance they need to respond appropriately.
A HUGE block to closeness in their relationships is the fact that they are so resistant to input from others. In fact, they are resistant to any input that is not in total alignment with their preconceived notion of how Life ought to be progressing. This comes out of the notion that what they perceive to be “perfect order” IS perfect order. One of their lessons this lifetime is to learn how to relax and be more open to allowing others’ feedback to affect their behavior—to be changed instead of trying to change everyone else.
Even when these natives are stressed over having a great deal to do, their problems are so “big” in their own minds that they think no one could possibly help them. And their “be perfect” script may cause them to panic or react with anger. A client’s Pisces North Node business partner was feeling overwhelmed trying to get their company’s tax forms prepared in time for the IRS deadline. So while she was on vacation, my client got all the paperwork completed as a happy surprise for her partner. But when the native returned, she went ballistic, and started the entire process over from scratch to make sure it was done perfectly. Naturally, this sort of reaction blocks intimacy. The other person feels discounted and helpless—there’s nothing they can do to relieve the native’s constant worry and stress.
Pisces North Node people don’t like not knowing the future. Having a plan they can follow makes them feel secure. The drawback is that when things don’t go according to their plan, it can paralyze them. It’s almost as if they have a superstitious belief that if others don’t follow every detail “perfectly,” the plan won’t work and something bad will happen. Naturally, this creates stress for those around them.
To get the plan to work, the native may start repeatedly telling the other person what they should be doing. They even get tired of hearing themselves say the same thing over and over—and they don’t understand why the person isn’t listening. Usually others just tune out the native because they resent being told what to do, and often their own needs aren’t being met in the situation.
These people are learning that they can’t force others to change their behavior, but they can change their own behavior and the way they are initiating their plan, which will alter the response coming back to them from others. For example, if “the plan” is to spend the afternoon working, and they chastise their child for disrupting them, the child may respond with antagonism and interfere with “the plan” even more. But if the native shifts their own initial behavior—by taking the child’s needs into account and perhaps giving the child a project of their own to do or hiring a babysitter—they can do their work and change the result coming back to them—i.e., the child’s cooperation.
Ultimately, these people are recognizing that they need to let go of all these perceived duties and obligations. Their job is to do what they can, be honest about what they don’t want to do, and trust that the Infinite is in charge of taking care of us all. If their plans are interrupted, they are learning to understand that—for whatever reason—Life has a different plan and they just need to widen their view. Tuning in to themselves, trusting a Higher Power, and being authentic with others is the key to their Soul’s growth in this lifetime.
Freeing Themselves from the Habit of Judging Others
Pisces North Node people often have strict standards of behavior—for both themselves and others. They also believe that their standards are “right,” and if everyone were just like them the world would be a better place. This blocks intimacy because their judgment forms a barrier between themselves and others.
For example, a client in this nodal group was complaining about one of his employees: “I said, ‘Rene, the coffee wasn’t made this morning,’ but rather than just admit when she forgets, she makes excuses: ‘I was running late,’ or ‘A call came in.’” I asked: “Did she make fresh coffee?” and he said: “Oh, yes—but she should take responsibility and admit she made a mistake.” Such judgments of the minute behavior of others block these natives from being able to relax and just allow others to be themselves.
The truth is that blaming someone diminishes that person’s power to bring about the results the native seeks. By making the other person feel small and guilty, not only do they feel less potent in rising to the native’s ideal, they also feel less inclined to do so.
Due to subconscious past life memories as healers, where they were totally responsible for fixing what was wrong, these people are naturally attuned to seeing where things are out of order. However, this is not a correct agenda for them in this incarnation. Now they are learning to shift their focus from judging where others aren’t perfect to having compassion for the fact that we all make mistakes. How can we come into alignment with what does work unless we experience the consequences of what doesn’t work?
The idea that there’s a “right way” of behaving no matter what also blocks Pisces North Node people from just being themselves, and can even cause them to make decisions that go against what their inner being is saying is correct for them. But if they don’t follow their own integrity—by saying yes or no in the moment, in alignment with what they’re feeling, there can be no intimacy, because they are not really part of the equation. Unfortunately, they tend to stick with their own pre-conceived idea of what they “ought” to do, when perhaps God’s plan for them in the moment is completely different.
When these people violate their own boundaries in order to demonstrate “perfect” behavior, internally they feel resentful, which makes them more likely to be critical of others. For example, a Pisces North Node client was helping out with her newborn twin grandchildren. Her daughter and son-in-law came home with sandwiches and sat down to eat. The native said: “You know, if you had any manners you’d at least offer me something.” Her son-in-law immediately gave her half his sandwich—which she refused because she wasn’t hungry, and her point was to correct her daughter’s behavior. This led to an unpleasant scene. The native also exaggerated feeling neglected, because in truth, she had helped them out when she really didn’t want to, and then they didn’t go out of their way to consider her.
Naturally, these dynamics block intimacy in the native’s relationships. If my client were to let go of her judgment, then if she wanted something to eat, she could have just said: “Gosh, I’m hungry too. I’d sure like it if you’d offer me something.” Then the results could have been intimacy instead of alienation.
These people can have an intense attachment to things being done in a certain way, and they can really be a stickler on some things. It may be writing thank-you cards, basic etiquette, not leaving dirty dishes in the sink, etc. They have endless concerns in terms of: “This is how it should be done; this is how people should behave.” This blocks intimacy because they often seem more concerned with people’s behavior than with their basic character.
If someone close does something that is not in alignment with their sense of “rightness,” they may get so upset that they pull away from the person. It’s like their heart just automatically closes. Also, since they’re judging the other person as doing the wrong thing, it pushes their partner away. Although they don’t know what it is, the other person can sense that they’re doing something wrong in the native’s eyes, and it makes them feel unworthy. As a result, neither person feels close. And when these natives pass judgment on another, on a subconscious level they are creating more restraints on their own behavior: “If I make that mistake, someone’s going to judge me.”
Instead of believing that there’s a right way of behaving, Pisces North Node people are learning to accept the higher perception that whatever happens is okay, people are just being themselves. And that frees them to figure out what creative action they can take to feel personally comfortable in the situation. But until they make this shift, they always seem to notice when someone is “not doing something right,” and others think: “Oh, gosh, do they always have to find the negat
ive in everything?” Others feel they can’t really be themselves because they never know when they’re going to step over some invisible line and get zapped.
When these people finally do rise above their habit of judging others, their own mechanism of self-judgment relaxes and they are finally able to free themselves of the inner tension that has always been with them. This allows them to become more aware of their own self-sabotaging behaviors, so they can put their focus on their own personal and spiritual growth.
Also, life becomes easier and more joyous, because when they stop judging, they eliminate so much of their fruitless resistance to the flow of Life. They are learning that life is not only about them, but about the learning and growth of others as well. We all make mistakes along the way, and their loving acceptance of that reality can allow them to support others and heal themselves.
Embracing Flexibility by Seeing a Bigger Picture
Pisces North Node people have a tendency to focus on the details and forget the bigger picture. They know the outcome they want to create, and usually make a detailed plan for getting there. But they get so attached to their plan that they lose sight of the positive outcome that motivated their plan in the first place. For example, their vision may be having the perfect happy family, but if they get too attached to how they think everyone in the family “ought” to behave in order to bring about their vision, they end up creating stress and resentment instead. They are learning to keep their eye on the vision, and allow the plan for how to get there to be flexible.
These natives have spent many past incarnations being of service to others and receiving accolades for their sacrifices. In order to get more praise, they often became overinvolved in the world of details in an attempt to do an “ever more perfect” job. This unresolved pattern is manifesting in this lifetime in terms of their attachment to details and to changing other people’s behavior.
In addition, after repeatedly turning their backs on the spiritual vision behind being of service, to focus on the details, in this incarnation they are often out of touch with this energy and can only see “the plan” through the tunnel vision of the details. This not only leads to frequent failure in their relationships, but if their energy is being drained, the reality is that—no matter how “perfect” their behavior—in the long run no one is truly being helped. Sometimes the situations they are faced with strain their plan and their “be perfect” script. I had one Pisces North Node client who insisted on taking care of her aging father, her mother who suffered from dementia, and a sickly sibling. She would not be flexible and change her plan, even though she was exhausted. She ended up dying suddenly of cancer in her fifties, and the others are still alive.