Never Again, No More 4

by Untamed

  “Every day of my life.” I looked at him and my mom. For the first time, seeing them together made me feel good on the inside. “Look, I know I gave you two hell about getting together, but I want you to know that if you make each other happy, then I’m happy.”

  My mom and dad both hugged me. “You don’t know how much this means to us,” they said together.

  “Trust me, I do. But I can’t breathe.” They laughed and let me go. “Can you all do me a favor?”

  “We’ve got Nadia,” my dad said.

  “Thanks. I have to meet Aldris to talk.”

  My mom walked inside, grabbed my purse, came back out, and handed it to me. “Sigue tu corazón, hija,” she said and hugged me. “That’s all you have to do.”

  I nodded and then patted my dad’s shoulder. “Take care of her.” He nodded and winked at me.

  * * *

  My mind raced a mile a minute. I was in so much turmoil over whether or not I wanted a relationship with Aldris that I had made a split-second decision to follow through and meet him as we’d planned. He’d been preparing for this night all week. The game plan was for us to have a nice dinner for two at the house, watch a movie on the tube, and then sit and talk about everything. He kept promising me that the night would be excellent and this and that, but on the inside, I asked myself, Lu, what the fuck are you doing?

  I felt so vulnerable and weak from even dealing with Aldris. The mere fact that I was even entertaining him made me question myself, because it went against everything I’d ever vowed not to do. After how my dad had treated my mom, I had said I’d never take a man back who had cheated. I’d never be a doormat. I’d never give second chances. I’d never be weak. I’d never show emotion. I’d never be vulnerable. I’d never, ever, let love guide me into being taken advantage of. Despite all those nevers, I had decided that I would try, just this once, for love’s sake.

  “Aye, pobrecito. This is not you, Lu.” I said aloud as I gave myself the once-over in my rearview mirror before exiting my vehicle. “Here goes nothing.”

  Aldris answered the front door right away, as if he’d been waiting right beside it. Of course, he looked and smelled so divine.

  “Lucinda.” He smiled.

  I waved sheepishly. “Hey,” I said, standing outside the door.

  “You know you don’t have to wait for me to invite you in.”

  I shook my head. “I don’t live here anymore.”

  “Come inside, Lu, please.”

  I slowly walked in, and he guided me to the sofa. I sat down on the edge and placed my purse on the coffee table with my keys. “Sooo,” I exhaled, placing my hands on my knees.

  He sat down beside me. “Dinner is almost ready. I made all your favorites. I even tried to make a chocolate mousse cake.” He chuckled. “I’m sure it doesn’t taste as good as yours, but I was trying.”

  “That’s great. I—”

  Aldris jumped up. “Oh! And I got us a bottle of rosé,” he said excitedly, interrupting me.

  “Al—”

  “Hold on. I’ll be back.” He dashed to the kitchen.

  “Ugh.” I felt so out of place and uncomfortable. I wasn’t in the mood for eating, drinking, or watching a movie. I wanted to talk.

  He came back in and sat two wineglasses on the coffee table. He popped the cork and poured some rosé into both of the glasses. “Here you go,” he said, handing me mine as he sat down beside me. “Let’s make a toast to . . . starting over.” He lifted his glass, then touched my glass with his, and we both took a sip.

  I sat my glass down and looked at him. “Aldris—”

  “I got your favorite movies. Chick flicks. Love Jones. Love & Basketball. Maid in Manhattan—”

  “Aldris—”

  “Sit back, Lu. Relax, please,” he said, rubbing my shoulders and cutting me off again.

  That was it. I shrugged him off and jumped up. “I don’t care about dinner. I don’t care about the rosé. I don’t care about the movies. I want to know if I should even be here or not. I care about you, but I ain’t gonna be no man’s fool, Aldris.”

  Rather than immediately address my tirade, he sat there and allowed me the moments I needed to blow off my steam. When I’d calmed down, he slowly rose to his feet and closed the space between us. Though I wasn’t sure how I felt about being near him, I didn’t pull away when his hands found their way to my face and cupped it. He didn’t speak. He simply gazed into my eyes. After a while, I was able to do the same to him. Something about his demeanor had settled me down, and it was only then that he spoke.

  “I’m not trying to make a fool of you, Lucinda. I want to make it right. I wanted this night to be special for us.”

  Feeling vulnerable under his imploring gaze, I allowed my eyes to dart away from him. “Aldris, I don’t know if I can do this.”

  He tilted my chin upward, forcing me to return my eyes to his. “Well, at least have dinner with me, please.” I attempted to look away again, but he held my gaze. “Please,” he begged.

  Reluctantly, I relented. “Okay.”

  He took my hand, we walked into the dining room, and he pulled out my chair. I sat down and allowed him to serve me all the food and to refill my wineglass. Then he sat down, and we ate. The food was pretty good. The conversation was a bust. Aldris had been my best friend. There had been a time when I could talk to him about anything and have the time of my life, and now I felt so distant from him. He engaged in a lot of small talk that I wasn’t interested in, and I guessed in an effort to get me to talk to him outside of one-word answers, he asked about my job and Nadia. Nadia missed him so much, but I didn’t offer that to him, because I didn’t want him to try to use that to sucker me back into a relationship with him. I kept the conversation focused on her schoolwork and her Girl Scout activities.

  “Here you go,” Aldris said, cutting a piece of cake and putting it on my plate. Then he urged me to try his concoction. “Go ahead. Taste it.”

  With a quick prayer to bless it and my stomach, I ate a bite. “Not that bad.” I smiled as a crumb fell from my lip. “Oh, shit.” I giggled and tried to catch it.

  He jumped up, wiped it with his finger, and before I knew it, he grabbed a small piece and mushed it on my lips.

  “You ass.” I laughed. “Oh, it’s like that, huh?” I asked, picking up a piece of cake.

  He nodded, preparing to run from me. “Uh-huh.” He laughed.

  “Oh, payback is a bitch.”

  I chased him from the dining room to the living room, then around the coffee table. I doubled back and caught him behind the sofa. I mashed the cake on his lips, and he fell over the back of the sofa onto the cushions, pulling me with him.

  “You got me.” He laughed.

  “I did.” I giggled.

  A silent beat passed as he held me in his arms. Being in his arms like that, the way we used to be, felt like a good familiar feeling. The iciness I’d felt was thawing, and I felt my heart beating the way it used to when I was in his presence. It was as exhilarating as it was scary.

  He wet his lips and said, “You’ve always had me, and you can have me back whenever you want.”

  Under his intense gaze, I felt conflicted. Love swirled around us, but distrust had created a tear in the fabric of our love. The moment felt too much for me, so I went to pull away from him, but he pulled me back down and held me near.

  Those familiar bedroom eyes seared into my soul as he held me captive both in his arms and under his growing trance. “I love you, Lu,” he said before pulling me into a deep kiss.

  I tried to resist at first, but the more he kissed me, the weaker I felt myself become. Before long, he was on top of me, with his shirt completely unbuttoned and his manhood at full attention. He had taken my ponytail holder out, so he wrapped his hands in my hair and brought me to him for another passionate kiss.

  A moan escaped my lips. “Um, Aldris.”

  “I love you, baby,” he said, kissing me on my neck. “I love you so muc
h.”

  He unbuckled his belt, and that was when it dawned on me. There was no way in the hell I was having unprotected sex with him. I didn’t give a hell how badly I wanted it.

  “Um, Aldris, wait.” I pushed him back gently.

  “What? What’s wrong, baby?”

  “Um, I can’t do this without protection. I mean, I know we stopped using condoms after we got engaged, but given all that’s happened, I don’t feel comfortable not using them right now.”

  “I understand. I get it.” He stood as I sat up. “I don’t have any, but I can run to the store. It’ll take me ten minutes, tops.”

  I nodded. “Okay.”

  He smiled. “Okay?”

  “Yes.”

  “Okay. Don’t go anywhere.” He bent down and kissed me, happy that I had agreed to continue. “I’ll be right back,” he said as he finished buttoning his clothes and grabbed his keys.

  Smiling, I sat there, feeling anxious and nervous, like it was my first time. I jumped up and ran to the hall bathroom. I washed my face and fluffed out my hair. I sprayed on a little bit of the perfume I’d left behind when I moved out.

  “All right, Lucinda. You can do this. Be sexy tonight and make him yours again,” I coached myself as I stared at my reflection. “You do want him. You do want this. Just get your head into this.”

  I won’t lie. Despite his ability to resurrect my old feelings, I still had my reservations, for more reasons than one. Should I do this with Aldris, despite the conflicts in my heart? Didn’t I owe it to this relationship to try just one more time? Was my love for him strong enough for me to go back again? Was I even in love with him anymore?

  Those thoughts took up residence in my mind as I walked back to the living room. Instead of entering that room, though, I turned to the right and headed to our bedroom. His bedroom. I walked up to the door and got nervous as I went to open it. “What’s wrong with you, Lu? Open the damn door,” I said aloud.

  I walked in, and the first thing I noticed was that the sheets, comforter, and pillowcases had all been changed. He never changed those when we lived together, I thought. It was always me who did that. I started looking around . . . scanning . . . scoping. Why would he change sheets? I thought. Had Jennifer been there? Had they been together, and was he trying to hide the evidence? Thoughts of Jennifer occupying his bed drove my anxiety through the roof. I ran to the closet, jerked the door open, and flipped through his clothes and eyed every empty space, looking for a woman’s shoe, shirt, or something. Nothing. I hurriedly closed the closet door and looked frantically under the bed. Nothing. I ran into the master bathroom and opened the cabinet, the hamper. Hell, I even checked the toilet. Nothing. Nothing but those damn sheets. Fresh. Crisp. Clean. Febrezed sheets.

  A rage built up in me, and I ripped all the linens off the bed. Tears rolled down my face as images of him hugging, kissing, and screwing Jennifer came into my mind. I cried for a minute, and then I noticed the house phone voice-message indicator blinking. A message. I slowly walked over to it and pressed the PLAY button.

  Beep.

  “Message sent today at ten forty-five a.m.,” the machine said. “Hi, Dri. It’s me, Jennifer. I wanted you to know that Jessica’s been asking about you. She really misses you and wants to see you. I wanted to set up a day for you two, so please give me a call. Look, I know that you’re trying to work things out with Lucinda, and I’m trying to stay away and respect that, but I want you to know that I’m here if you need me. I always have been. I always will be.”

  Beep.

  No truer words had been spoken. I’m here if you need me. I always have been. I always will be, I repeated in my head. She was right. No matter what happened with Aldris and me, she’d always be there. She’d be lurking around and waiting. How could he stay away from her? They had a child together. That was what made it real to me. I’d spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder at Jennifer, and in the back of my mind, I’d know that I played second string to her. I always had; I always would. It was then that I knew I couldn’t do this, and not just the sex—the relationship. As I stood there, more thoughts ran through my mind, and I knew then that I had to go. I wiped my tears, ran into the living room, grabbed my purse and keys, and then I left.

  All I thought about as I drove was how Mike would never have done to me what Aldris had and how well he would treat me. In fact, a lot of the reasons why I’d been so hesitant to see if I could work things out with Aldris had to do with what things would be like if Mike had given us a chance. I’d never mentioned that to anyone. I internalized a lot of my emotions, but listening to that phone message had helped me decide whom I wanted. Jennifer could have Aldris. I wanted Mike, and that was exactly where my drive took me.

  “Lucinda?” Mike said when he answered his door. “What are you doing here?”

  I shrugged and bit my lip. “I don’t know. Hoping, I guess.”

  He leaned against his door as I stood outside the doorway. “Hoping what?”

  “Hoping . . . that maybe . . . you had changed your mind.”

  His eyebrows furrowed as an intense gaze graced his face. “Lucinda, the last time I saw you, you left my house with Aldris. What do you mean, me changing my mind?”

  “So you’re upset that I left with him?”

  “No. Hurt and disappointed. But the point was that you were working things out with him—”

  “It won’t work.”

  “And why is that?”

  “Because I don’t want him.”

  “Who do you want?”

  My feet shuffled from the nervous energy that suddenly invaded my body. I looked into his eyes and forced my answer out before I lost the confidence to say it. “You.”

  Frustration consumed him as he ran his hands down the front of his face. “Lucinda, you’re hurt and mad with Aldris. You need—”

  I put my hand up, thwarting his words. “No, I’m not. I’m hurt by his actions—yes. But I want to know where things can go between us.”

  “Lucinda, if things were different—”

  It was my turn to be frustrated, and I threw my hands up. “You keep hollerin’ about if things were different this, if things were different that. Things are different.”

  He pressed. “How?”

  “Because . . . ” I paused for a beat and then calmed down. “Because I want you, and you matter to me. You matter a whole lot.” I uttered these words timidly. “I like you, and I want to know where things could go for us.”

  We stood there for a few moments, but it felt like an eternity as we stared at each other, not knowing what to say.

  When it was clear to me that he had no response, I offered my apologies so that I could leave. “Sorry to bother you. You don’t have to worry. I won’t bother you again.” After turning around, I took a step away from the door.

  But before I got another step farther away from him, he grabbed my hand, turned me to face him, and pulled me toward him. “Are you sure this is what you want? If I turn my back on my boy, I have to know that this is real.”

  My insides exploded. And that was when I knew for sure. I’d loved Aldris with everything, and perhaps, I still did on some level. However, our time apart and my time with Mike had allowed space for something to bloom between us. That blooming had turned into feelings. Feelings that had become too strong to ignore. Feelings that I wanted to explore. Feelings that somehow and in some way had metamorphosed into more than feelings.

  Smiling, I wrapped my arms around his neck, then confessed what I’d kept hidden in the crevices of my heart. “Michael George Johnson, Sigue a mi corazón. I’m following my heart. I love that we have so much in common. I can have fun with you just sitting back and drinking beer and watching the game or going out and dancing. I love how you make me feel like I am the only girl in the world that matters to you. I love how you know what to say or how to say it or when nothing needs to be said at all. I love how you respect me, even when I’m weak. I love how you take care of me when
I’m vulnerable. I love how you stay true to yourself and your manhood, no matter what the situation. I love the pride you take in taking care of Mike Jr., Levar, and Michaela. I love the way you smile, the way you dress, your stride, the rise and fall of chest when you sleep. I love . . . the way you love me . . . even though you keep yourself from admitting to me that you’ve fallen. And I want . . . I want. . . to be able to fall in love with you too, because you matter so damn much to me.”

  The fast rate at which his heart pumped indicted that my words had seeped into his being, and his smile revealed the same. He brought his hands to my face and cupped it. “You’re the only person in this world who can call me George and live afterward,” he joked, and I giggled. Then he turned serious and stared intently in my eyes. “I don’t know how or when it happened, but, Lucinda, I love you,” he declared, then sealed his words with a kiss.

  Instantly, I was mush in his arms. I could’ve sworn I heard bells, whistles, sirens, firecrackers, and explosions going off in the background. When he kissed me, I knew there was no other place I wanted to be except right there with him. Catching me by surprise, he lifted me into his arms and carried me over the threshold and into his house, and he didn’t put me down until we reached his bed. I dropped my purse, cell phone, and keys on the floor as Mike began to undress both of us. My mouth nearly fell off the hinges at what was dangling above me.

  Suddenly, Mike stopped in the middle of kissing me. “Shit, Lu. I don’t have any—”

  Placing my index finger to his lips, I whispered, “Shhh.” Then I leaned over and grabbed a box out of my purse. “I stopped at the store down the street.”

  He looked at the box. “It’ll be a stretch, but it’ll work.”

  “Clearly,” I said, shaking my head.

  “No doubts?” he asked me as he pulled out a silver packet.

  I reached up and brought him to me for a kiss. “None at all.”

  He slipped on the protector and entered me nice and slowly. I’d never felt so filled up in my life. I held on to him as he slowly rocked me back and forth, holding me close. With every stroke, he professed his love for me over and over again. And with every stroke, I allowed him to claim me as his.