Us After You

by Claudia Burgoa

  He side hugs me, and his arms calm me, just like they did when we were at the hospital. I rest my head on his chest and close my eyes. For a moment, I let myself breathe and believe that everything will turn out okay for this baby.

  I send a prayer to God, for Sienna’s soul, for Rocco’s health, and for this beautiful baby.

  Will she come out of this unhinged?

  25

  Tucker

  The next morning, Grandpa Chris and I head to the airport to receive Rocco. It feels strange not to be holding the Snuggle Bug for the first time since we arrived from the hospital.

  Alex took over since Hannah had finally fallen asleep. Zeke and Ethan arrived before I left to pick up Grandpa Chris.

  Ethan is in love with the baby—like everyone else. Zeke doesn’t want to get too close. He’s afraid of losing her.

  He’s always afraid of losing people and takes for fucking ever to warm up to them. In a way, I’m glad he wasn’t close to Sienna, or he’d be losing his shit. It’s not like he’s weak. He’s just lost too many people since he was a kid.

  To be fucking honest, Rocco’s mental health worries me more because of the Snuggle Bug and Zeke. I’ve no idea what’s going to happen if we lose him.

  “So how do we do this?” I ask my grandfather.

  He shakes his head. “Did you bring the picture of his daughter?”

  I nod, showing him my phone. “There are plenty of pictures of the Snuggle Bug.”

  “We need a name, Snuggle Bug isn’t a real thing,” he reminds me.

  “Dragging her out of the hospital, pretending to be her dad was bad enough,” I remind him. “Naming his daughter isn’t really something I want to do.”

  Though, Nana suggested Mae, Fay, or Bliss.

  Those are the only names she gave from the long list of names she has for her future children. Alex was relieved, knowing that her children won’t be named after objects found in the delivery room.

  I didn’t ask them about the wedding, but I overheard Nana talking with her parents last night about postponing it.

  “This isn’t going to be easy, Tuck,” my grandfather warns me. “This kid has always been a hard nut to crack.”

  “I’d been sober for two years when I met your grandfather. I thought I was doing great, until I left him,” he explains. “Those were the worst months of my life. Not having him made me want to go back to the vice.”

  “But you didn’t,” I remind him.

  “Because I wanted to be better for him,” he says and points at one of Snuggle Bug’s pictures. “This sweet little girl is the key to keep Rocco in check. Poor thing, she already has too much responsibility, and she’s not even a day old.”

  “I thought we were going to the hospital,” Rocco says, as we approach Hannah’s driveway.

  “We need to talk,” I say, parking the car.

  “Is that why your grandfather is here? To give me some lecture about abandoning my wife. The due date wasn’t until…”

  He runs a hand through his hair. “It’s an intervention, isn’t it? Fine, I fucking did it.”

  My grandfather slumps his shoulders and shakes his head. “Oh, kid, why didn’t you call if you were tempted?”

  “It was just one time. I knew you had me watched,” he says in an accusatory tone. “You never trust me. One line, we had to travel from Malaysia to France. I was tired. They offered, and I knew if I didn’t take it, I wouldn’t last.”

  He’s being paranoid and maybe delusional. Is he high? Probably, and he’s been using—more than once. I look at my grandfather who shakes his head.

  “Have you been drinking?” my grandfather asks him.

  “No, it was just that. I’m clean. I promised Sienna that I’d try…”

  “You need to quit,” I say firmly. “We can help you.”

  “No fucking way. I’m not going back to rehab,” he says, his hand shaking.

  “Are you high?” my grandfather asks.

  “I’m talking about the band you’re playing for, Rocco,” I say, ignoring my grandfather. “You can’t deal with the pressure. As I said, you need to quit…” But also, quit the drugs.

  “Sienna understands my job,” he says, and I sigh.

  “Here’s the picture of the Snuggle Bug.” I show him the beautiful face of his little girl. “She’s such a sweet baby.”

  He looks at her in awe. “She’s a beauty. Who was with Sienna when she was born?”

  “Nana and I,” I explain. “They let me cut the cord. and I held her before they cleaned her.”

  “You should be her godfather. I know Sienna wants Alex and Nana because they’re about to get married. However, you—I know you’d be a good father to her if anything happened to me.”

  “Nothing is going to happen to you,” Grandpa says firmly. “She has you and you have her. You’re going to be there for her. Make sure she has love and someone to protect her.”

  “Has Sienna chosen a name yet?” he asks, ignoring my grandfather’s words.

  “No,” I say, trying to find the fucking words, but I just can’t tell him. This is Brooke all fucking over again. Why do I always have to give him the bad news?

  Can we hide the news for a year, maybe ten?

  “Nothing sounds right. She’s so tiny and calm. Regina isn’t the right name.”

  “Mae,” I blurt. “Nana suggested Mae.”

  “I like it,” he says. “Mae Brooke Rokus. We have to make sure Sienna does too. She’s picky with everything.”

  He laughs. “I wish it could be Mae Brooke Rocco, you know. I don’t want her to be a Rokus. She deserves to have a different future. Sienna doesn’t get it though. She thinks … who cares. I just want her to be happy.”

  “Pulmonary embolism,” I say the words without any context.

  “What?”

  “It is caused by blood clots that travel to the lungs. Unfortunately, it is a leading cause of maternal deaths.”

  “Tucker, are you feeling okay?” he asks. “You’re scaring me, man. This is just like when Brooke was in that car accident and you went on and on about head traumas and being brain dead.”

  “I’m sorry, Rocco. Sienna…”

  I can’t say the words.

  “What the fuck happened to Sienna!” he yells.

  “Kid,” Grandpa speaks softly, putting a hand on his shoulder. “I’m sorry, but after giving birth to your sweet girl, Sienna died.”

  “No, fucker, you’re lying. She can’t be dead. We have plans. Five children, three girls and one boy,” he says, showing me two fingers.

  My heart is breaking for him, but more for Snuggle Bug. He’s high.

  “You can’t take her away from me. She’s all I have.”

  “No, you have Mae,” my grandfather insists. “This little girl who came to you as a special gift. You have to take care of her and make sure you keep the memory of her mom alive.”

  “You’re lying,” he insists. “The doctor said she was healthy. I spoke to her during my flight. She woke me up and told me about our little girl and…”

  He pulls his hair and shakes his head. “Sienna can’t die. She promised to be here for me.”

  “Rocco,” I say, but he bolts out of the car and disappears into the woods.

  “We should’ve waited until we got into the house,” my grandfather says. “One of us has to run after him, and it won’t be the old man.”

  “At least one of us still has his sense of humor,” I tell him.

  “Are you ready to fix your shit with your parents?”

  “This isn't about me.”

  “Life is precious, Tucker. What if you get a call from one of us telling you that one of them died? You lost your chance to say I love you, to hug them, or to be with them for one last time.”

  “Not the time,” I say and get out of the car. “Can you ask the guys to come with me? Who the fuck knows where he went?”

  26

  Tucker

  I stand out in the middle of the woods. We
’ve searched everywhere we can, and Rocco is nowhere to be found. He’s faster than I thought or better at hiding.

  Guilt blusters through the air. In a way, I feel like I failed him. His life has always been so fucking hard, and I promised to make it better. Music would help him forget his past. It’ll build him a future. I would be there to make sure his life would improve.

  Sienna’s life slipped away, and I didn’t do anything to stop her. I didn’t make the doctor try his best, or … what else could I have done to avoid this tragedy?

  Instead of spending the next five hours looking for Rocco, I head back to Hannah’s place. On my way there, I text everyone to just go back. Then, I message my uncle asking him for help.

  When I arrive, Hannah is by the door watching me, hopeful. “Where is he?”

  I shrug. “He’s not in his house, but he went there because the doors were open.”

  “Can we call your uncle to help us look for him?” Zeke asks and suggests my uncle.

  “I already contacted him,” I announce. “He’s getting together a team, and he will keep me updated.”

  “What was his reaction after you told him?” Zeke asks, and I glare at him. “Rage, pain? What’s his level of anger?”

  “Why do you need to know that?” I ask confused and upset.

  “He could be ready to destroy something or just look for a dealer,” he answers, and why did I forget this guy knows him in ways I don’t? Because they have something in common.

  The addiction.

  “Where is Mae?” I ask, searching for the baby.

  I don’t want to tell him—them—that Rocco was high and he’s been using.

  “Upstairs in the nursery. Sage has her,” Alex answers.

  “Mae?” Nana asks.

  “Before I gave him the news, he named her,” I announce. “Mae Brooke Rokus.”

  She nods. “We have to find him and fill out the birth certificate. The hospital called asking if we can send it over with your signature. They need to submit the paperwork. I feel like we stole the kid.”

  “We didn’t steal her,” Zeke says. “She’s ours, and her father is already home, if they have any problem with it, have them call his lawyer.”

  I roll my eyes and head upstairs. I find them in one of the kid’s rooms Nana and Alex have for their nieces and nephews. Sage is in the rocker, holding Mae.

  She presses her close to her chest, singing a lullaby. They look so beautiful together that I snap a picture. That’s when I notice Draco and Bruno—Nana’s pets—lying on the floor right beside Sage’s feet, as if they’re guarding her.

  I wish I could erase the pain in her face and absorb all the sadness she’s carrying. If I could place them both in a crystal case and take care of them forever, I would. Unfortunately, I can’t do either one of them. Sage is with that prick who I can’t stomach. Mae has her father.

  The best I can do for them is find Rocco and make sure he becomes the best fucking father in the world.

  “Hey,” she greets me when she notices me. “Where is he?”

  “We can’t find him.”

  “Do you trust him?”

  “No,” I answer, because this isn’t about covering up his fucked-up shit. It’s about a baby needing my protection—even from her father. “He’s used while on tour. He’s high. Who the fuck knows if he’s been clean all this time or if he’s been using since he went back on tour? I can’t trust him with her. She’s a baby.”

  She presses Mae closer to her heart and closes her eyes, rocking her back and forth. “We’ll keep her safe and loved.”

  For the first time, we agree on something. There’s no animosity, and at least I’ve found some common ground with her.

  Everyone is restless. Rocco is hiding or fuck… Tremors run through my body when I think of all the stupid things he could do. As I told my uncle earlier, I’m afraid that they’ll pull him out of the lake.

  “Are you okay?” Zeke asks, taking a seat next to me.

  I shake my head and reply, “How about you?”

  He sighs. “Why does everyone keep worrying so much about me?”

  “Brooke,” I mutter.

  He runs both hands through his hair. “It’s funny, she was afraid to be like her mother. A meth addict. After she died, all I could do is dope myself up to forget she was gone. I still miss her.”

  “This is so fucking familiar,” I tell him.

  He shakes his head. “No, we’re adults. There’s a kid who needs you guys.”

  “You?”

  He glances at the baby and sighs. “I … you said it. It’s too close to what happened twelve years ago. My sponsor reminded me not to skip any meetings. Did you see that Alex locked the liquor?”

  I shake my head. “How can I help you?”

  “You have your hands full with the baby and Rocco,” he says calmly. “I’m a grown ass man, and even then, this is going to be a hard fucking road. I can now identify my triggers, and I learned how to reach out for help.”

  “Have you seen Sage?”

  “Do you trust her?”

  I laugh. “You don’t like her, do you?”

  He takes a lollipop out of his pocket and starts licking it. Those and fidget toys are his coping tools. Nana has a jar of them in the kitchen just for him.

  “Listen, I don’t know her, and until she becomes a permanent feature of the group, I’d rather stay away,” he explains. “Before you hand me the baby, don’t. I’ll fight for her and make sure we don’t lose her. But until I know the fucker is clean, I… It’ll fuck me up if she ends up in the system.”

  “She won’t,” I assure him.

  He glances at me, studying me for a second, and says, “Take her away now. He won’t even notice. I bet you my fortune that he’s already high.”

  I close my eyes and nod a couple of times.

  “Fucker, I knew it. Tours are his heaven and hell. He thrives, and yet, he can’t stay away from the addiction.” He kisses Mae’s forehead and whispers “I’ll make sure they don’t take you away, sweetheart.”

  “Where are you going, Z?”

  “To see if Ethan wants to go to the gym,” he tells me. “I need to burn some energy.”

  “Call if you need me,” I tell him, and he nods. Fuck, I’m not sure what we’ll do if he falls too.

  “We’ll take them by the hand and support them,” I whisper to Mae. “In a couple of months, this nightmare will be over.”

  27

  Sage

  Around midnight, the security team arrives with Rocco. He’s not drunk nor high. Just … lost. I understand him on some level. It’s been only a day, and I haven’t been able to grasp the news that my sister died. We have one thing in common: our loss.

  We both lost Sienna, and nothing anyone says will bring her back. I wish I had the words to console him. My sister would want me to hold his hand during his grieving period. It’s just impossible to offer him compassion when the only thing I feel is emptiness.

  At least he has his friends. He’s not alone. I have my brother who apologized because he can’t be here. I don’t plan on telling my grandparents until I’m home.

  My parents—they first told Hannah they’re coming the next day. Then, they called to apologize about missing the birth of their first grandchild. They have to reschedule their trip. Hannah didn’t tell them about Sienna, and I won’t call them until it’s necessary.

  How much I wish that I had this kind of love and support in my life. While I stand in the corner of the living room like an outsider, watching with envy, everyone is around Rocco.

  Hannah hugs him and keeps whispering words I can’t hear from where I stand. Mae is with Tucker. He’s guarding her from everyone—including Rocco.

  Knowing he’s on her side eases some of the worries that I carry with me. The pain … well, that won’t go away anytime soon.

  “Time to feed her.” Alex comes out of the kitchen with a baby bottle.

  Hannah smiles at him and mouths, thank you.
“Rocco, do you want to hold Mae?”

  He shakes his head. “I’ve … later. Where’s Sienna?”

  “Still at the hospital morgue,” Ethan informs him. “We wanted to wait for you. If you want, we can take care of everything.”

  “Thank you, Eth. Don’t cremate her, she’s afraid of fire.” He crumbles again and cries harder. Hannah is there to comfort him.

  Tucker takes the baby bottle and feeds Mae. He barely lets her out of his sight. Even when others hold her, he’s watching her. Guarding her.

  It’s beautiful and heartwarming to see the way he holds her. Never before have I seen someone giving so much love to such a small creature. Like she’s the most precious person in the world.

  A part of me wants to stay longer in this house. But the reality is that I need to go back to work. The bookstore is doing great, and I know my grandparents can take care of the physical part while I continue doing everything else online.

  However, I can’t uproot myself while this guy gets his shit together, can I?

  Should I?

  My cell phone rings, and before I answer it, I move to the office that’s empty.

  “Corbin?”

  “I wanted to check on you,” he says. “How’s everything?”

  “Not great. The father is here, but he’s devastated.”

  “Understandable, and now he’s responsible for a baby. I… that’s got to be tough. Sharing custody of Jager is hard. If I had to do it myself… Fuck, I don’t know how I would do it.”

  “We’re not sure what’s going to happen next,” I explain. “For now, I’m going back home. They’re making some arrangements for her funeral. Once I know more, I’ll call my parents.”

  “Call if you need me.”

  I know his offer is genuine, but it doesn’t feel like enough. The phone conversation didn’t make me feel any better. If anything, it made me feel lonelier.

  Why is it that when Tucker is around, just his presence makes everything better?