Take Your Life Back

by Stephen Arterburn

  Toxic shame undermines our will and our power to stand up for ourselves. Often, when we talk to abused spouses, they describe feeling like second-class citizens—or even third- or fourth-class. In their shame, they had a sense that from the very beginning they were somehow lesser than other people and deserved nothing but the crumbs of life. They had settled into destructive relationships as if that were their destiny. So when the abuse continued, they felt as if they deserved the horrific treatment. Their reaction to toxic shame was to accept being mistreated, blame themselves for being mistreated, and continue to tolerate the mistreatment rather than seeking help and finding hope.

  Toxic shame carves out a new normal for those who partake of its poisonous fruit. Rather than seeing themselves as human beings who have made a few mistakes—maybe even some really big mistakes—people who are saturated with toxic shame see their failures as an objective expression of who they are. Before long, they don’t even try to avoid future mistakes. They don’t learn from their errors because they don’t think they can, or need to, learn anything. Repeated mistakes are simply a self-fulfilling prophecy that their shame has written for them. Mistake management is their normal role in life because they feel as if they themselves are a mistake.

  We’ve all had times when a few poorly conceived actions came crashing back on our heads, and the difficulties they caused may have been quite extreme. But most of us waded through the wreckage, cleaned up the mess, and got back on track after learning a hard lesson or two. Toxic shame, on the other hand, blinds us to wisdom and insight. It prevents us from cleaning up after ourselves. We start to live in the debris of past mistakes, and that leads us to more debris-producing decisions. We fill our lives with problem after problem because we don’t think we can do any better. We believe we are destined to make all things worse. In our minds we see ourselves as a worst-case scenario creating more worst-case outcomes from a deep well of toxic shame. That shame has etched into our hearts a self-image of a person living under the rubble of inevitable, disgraceful errors at every turn in life.

  Toxic shame turns us away from goodness. Anyone who looks good or does good things will cause us to reject him or her immediately. We view anyone who tries to reach out to us in our toxic shame as a “hypocritical do-gooder” who must have some ulterior motive beyond just wanting to help us. We shun them before they can shun us. The last thing we would ever want to do is change ourselves to be more like these “losers” who have it all together. Rather than seeing healthy people as potential role models or mentors, we want to roll over them or run the other way.

  We believe that these people whom we judge and criticize have nothing to teach us because we don’t think that learning anything new will take us to a higher level. Our shame has convinced us that we’re stuck right where we are and that nothing we can do can take away the self-loathing we feel deep in our bones. We don’t think meaningful change is possible. Not after what we’ve done. Toxic shame is our new reality, and we refuse to live a lie by pretending that anything good can come of our situation.

  When we succumb to toxic shame, we react to our pain and futility with quick fixes and instant solutions that don’t accomplish anything. Our actions become compulsive, or we dive further into addiction as we strive to find relief for the pain. Our obsessive thoughts and recriminations torment us night and day. Our compulsions drive us from one repetitive source of damage to another. We don’t need God or anyone else to punish us because our shame is punishment enough. We live as if our souls were covered with a black, poisonous sludge, and that sludge will kill us if we don’t allow something outside of ourselves to remove it, in much the same way that rescue workers cleaned up the contaminated coastline, ocean, and wildlife after the Exxon Valdez covered the pristine arctic world with gobs of black.

  The shame cycle

  In 1997, I (Steve) wrote a book with Connie Neal called The Emotional Freedom Workbook. In that book, we created a cycle that shows where toxic shame can lead us.[23]

  As this cycle continues, we spiral downward into a state of ever-increasing rejection, isolation, and sickness. Toxic shame continues to breed more and more poison, which then leads to more and deeper feelings of shame. But there is another way.

  Another Kind of Shame

  As bad as shame can be, and as poisonous as our reactions to it can become, there is such a thing as good shame. A better term for it might be godly sorrow. No matter what we call it, good shame has some distinct characteristics that separate it from the soul-killing black sludge that our lives produce in reaction to sickening, secretive shame. Responding to godly sorrow makes our lives better and moves us into closer alignment with every good and perfect aspect of God’s purpose and plan for us.

  Godly sorrow is a warning sign that we are on the wrong path and need to make some adjustments. Any mistakes we make are seen not as the inevitable result of who we are but as stark reminders that—because of who we are, created in the image of God—we can do better. We are genuinely sorry that we fell short, hurt ourselves or other people, or simply created a lot of hassle that has kept us from living in the good things that God has for us. However, our defective behavior is rightly seen as separate from our identity. Making a mistake doesn’t mean that we are a mistake; it’s simply evidence that we are like every other human being—completely capable of many things, including mistakes.

  When we are in a right frame of mind and when someone does something abusive or neglectful to us, we can immediately recognize that we can do better and that we deserve better, and we can take steps to avoid any abusive situation where someone might try to take advantage of us. Bad behavior against us is not seen as punishment for past mistakes or as something we deserve. We don’t punish ourselves when we do something harmful, and we don’t punish ourselves when we experience something great, either. We respond to our world as we encounter it, believing that we are no better and no worse than other people. We feel no need and see no reason to inflict ourselves with more pain, struggle, and difficulty.

  Godly sorrow is a prompt from God, and from a well-developed conscience, that we need something more to achieve all that we want to accomplish. We respond to healthy shame with a desire to get better or do better; we don’t react to our shame by trying to preserve our self-image at the expense of our self-respect. And we certainly don’t make matters worse by compounding one mistake with another. We protect ourselves from repeated mistakes by avoiding people and places that set us up for failure or expose us to needless temptation, abuse, or neglect.

  When we experience shame, our healthy response is to feel it as godly sorrow: a temporary but powerful emotion that points us to something that needs to be changed as soon as possible. We do not adapt to living with shame or make more room in our lives for godly sorrow. Instead, we focus our energy on positive and healthy responses, corrections, and even restitution, if we have wronged someone. When we respond appropriately, we expect to move forward without being defined by or hindered by the murky sludge of toxic shame. We know the things that lead us to higher ground and a better life, and we move toward them even when it is difficult or seems impossible. As we continue to move in a positive and healthy direction, we will notice that our feelings of shame are reduced by our responsible behavior.

  As we continue to grow, we begin to see how shame can be a very valuable tool to guide us and keep us out of trouble. When we stumble, we repent, receive God’s forgiveness, and forgive ourselves; but we don’t minimize the damage of the past and set ourselves up for future failure by taking forgiveness for granted and neglecting all the things we have learned and done to strengthen our recovery and protect ourselves from harm. When we get in trouble, the flashing lights of godly sorrow warn us that we are flirting with disaster before we dive headfirst into it. Now when that horrible feeling of shame comes over us, we see it as a protector and safeguard of all that God has invested in us.

  When feelings of shame begin to surge within us, we have permission to w
ithdraw and regroup. We withdraw to evaluate what lies ahead and who is involved. We don’t recklessly rush into situations or relationships that may harm us. We are not out of control. We have a new power of discernment that alerts us to the danger of our shame becoming toxic if we don’t pull back, evaluate our situation, and protect our recovery.

  We no longer feel the need to create a crisis in order to be noticed. We are secure in who we are. We don’t have to get involved in bad things just to feel that we’re part of something. We are aware that God has a better way for us if we will surrender to him every day.

  Shame that we convert to godly sorrow becomes a trusted friend, keeping us on the right track, where God wants us to be.

  In Part II, we will show you how to break the cycle of shame. But we want to end this chapter with a few more observations about the harmfulness of shame-based living.

  Shameful Conclusions

  Toxic shame is a mind-set that we want you to eliminate from your life. It may have been foisted upon you, or you may have picked it up on your own. What’s important is that you understand that how you deal with shame is a decision you must make if you want to take your life back. Poisonous shame can be self-ingested when we believe the lies we’re told by others and the lies we tell ourselves. We need to renew our minds with God’s truth.

  Here is a quote from one of the first people to receive a Life Recovery Bible when it was published in 1998: “I stopped believing the lies of Satan and started believing the truth of Jesus Christ, and it changed everything.”

  I (Steve) never expected to hear those words come out of her mouth, and I doubt that she ever would have thought she’d be quoted saying something positive about Jesus. For some people, even hearing the name of Jesus is offensive because of Christians who don’t act as Jesus would act. They draw a lot of attention, while many faithful servants who just want to help others are often overlooked.

  I met this woman at a meeting set up by Chuck Smith Jr. of Calvary Chapel. She was at a suicidal crossroads. This was a shame-filled, drug-addicted, child-neglecting mother, whose life was continuing to spiral downward. Chuck felt that he had not been able to help her, but he handed her the Life Recovery Bible as she left, suggesting that she start reading with the book of John.

  Six months later, when I preached at Calvary Chapel, this woman was almost unrecognizable. She had taken her shame-saturated soul and had replaced all the lies that sentenced her to an early death with the truth about the abundant life available through Jesus. Not only had she turned her own life around, but she also was already helping other women get their lives together. Going from helplessness to helping others is a testimony to the power of replacing shameful lies with God’s truth.

  If you are stuck on lies about yourself, you are inflicting toxic shame on yourself. And you don’t have to do that. You can’t just stop the lies, however. You have to replace them with truth. The Life Recovery Bible is an excellent resource to help you do that. If you are bearing shameful lies from another person or from many people, you need to stop repeating the lies and start answering them with truth, such as the words that Jeremiah repeated from God in Jeremiah 29:11: “For I know the plans I have for you. . . . They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” That is truth you can take to the bank. You don’t have to remain stuck in shame. You can choose to step into a life of promise that is anchored in God’s redemptive and unchanging truth.

  If you cling to your shame, you will stay disconnected and isolated, involved in harmful relationships and sabotaging any chance of getting help. The lingering fallout will be a growing bitterness and a seething rage: what you believe to be the most justifiable resentment anyone has ever known. You will hold on to your grudges, and when you can no longer contain the boiling tempest within your soul, you will lash out, destroying other people at random and looking for all the world as if you are out of your right mind. And in fact, you are out of your right mind, because a mind that is set right is full of God’s love, truth, grace, and peace and of a deep sense of belonging. To live in your right mind, you must get rid of all the destructive shame that is left.

  There is a better way to live than being fearfully insecure and reacting to every minor threat that comes your way. Your readiness to react is part of what prevents you from taking your life back. You spend all your time defending your dysfunction rather than taking a risk and creating something entirely different, positive, and better. You are dying in a pool of toxic shame. You are stagnant, sick, and missing out on the exhilarating feeling of God’s grace blossoming in your life.

  Healthy living is optional. Taking your life back is optional. You make the choice. You can continue to live in the shadow of unrealistic and unmet expectations—either the ones you think that God has for you, the ones that others put on you, or the ones you craft for yourself—and you will continue to live in the sludge of toxic shame. Or you can keep reading and find the pathway out of shame and the keys for taking your life back. We challenge you to break the hold that shame has on your life. You can take your life back, and we will show you how.

  8

  THE IMPACT OF TRAUMA

  SOME STATEMENTS ARE obvious yet need to be said anyway, just so we don’t miss the point. Here’s an example: Trauma causes people to do things they never would have done if the trauma hadn’t happened.

  Obvious, right? But we’ve chosen to highlight it here in the hopes that it will break through, soak in, and become a factor in your ongoing journey to take your life back, find God’s truth, and live accordingly.

  During high school, I (Steve) made a staggering transition from being a pretty good guy who had made a few mistakes to being a very destructive person, both to myself and to others. I betrayed the people I cared for the most, and I ran away from the people who cared the most about me. I acted out compulsively and exhibited all sorts of addictive behaviors. I piled one mistake on top of another and wound up as a very messed-up young man, full of shame and with disconnected and superficial relationships. I was on a path that eventually led to an unplanned pregnancy, which I made worse by pressuring my girlfriend to have an abortion. That decision led to male postabortion syndrome, which at the time I had never heard of but which left me full of toxic shame and overwhelming regret. Through the course of all this trauma, I eventually made the decision to accept God’s forgiveness for all I had done, forgive myself, and take my life back.

  For years, when I looked back at my younger days, I hung my head in regret. I was amazed that, at a time when I had so much going for me and was so blessed in so many ways, I would veer off the path of righteousness and have no desire to get back on it. I would describe myself as the worst of the worst because no one had abused me and no one had driven me to do anything wrong. In my arrogance, I had taken control of my own life—and then had driven it into the ditch. I had disregarded the counsel of others and messed up everything that was good and wonderful in my life, causing tremendous pain to some other people along the way.

  Even after I came to terms with my shame and accepted God’s grace and forgiveness during a prolonged process to take my life back, it was always a mystery to me how it all could have gone downhill so quickly. At one point, it felt almost as if I had gone off to war and suffered a traumatic battlefield injury, coming home a different and damaged person; but there was no war, I wasn’t a soldier, and I had suffered no injury. But the change in my life had been that dramatic.

  When attention deficit disorder (ADD) began to be explored and defined in the 1980s, I thought it might be an explanation for some of my struggles. A few years ago, I went to see Dr. Daniel Amen at the Amen Clinic in Southern California, where they had identified seven types of ADD. There they took a brain scan to determine which type, if any, I might have. I figured if they could diagnose the problem, I could better understand how to deal with it and make the best of it.

  After the scan, Dr. Amen told me he didn’t like what he had seen on the scan. I
thought maybe he had identified an eighth type of ADD, perhaps a terminal form, and that I would be the first person ever to die from TADD—terminal attention deficit disorder. Things like that are always occurring to me . . . because I have ADD.

  But that’s not what Dr. Amen told me. He asked me whether I had ever suffered a significant brain trauma. The answer was no. Then he asked about automobile accidents. I remembered a rainy day when my father and I had driven to the dealership to trade in his year-old Pontiac for a brand-new one. (My dad bought a new car every year.) About three blocks from the dealership, we were at a red light when a man plowed into the rear of our car. I’ve had neck problems ever since because of whiplash from that accident, but that didn’t explain what Dr. Amen had seen on my CT scan.

  Then he asked me about football, which I had played from seventh to twelfth grade. I was a center on the offensive line for many of those years, and then I played fullback, where I would run the ball and block for other players. Dr. Amen said that football was the most likely explanation for why my prefrontal cortex projected a flat image on the CT scan, rather than the oval shape that would be expected. And it was also the most likely explanation for why certain structures in my brain that should have appeared rounded like marshmallows looked more like flattened pancakes.

  The center in football is kind of an anonymous player, but he is also one of the most likely to receive a head injury because the concentration required to snap the ball to the quarterback leaves the center more vulnerable to an undefended hit. In the era when I played football, the helmets were designed to prevent skull fractures, not brain injuries. On top of that, I really wasn’t very good. So, when I was hit by an opposing player, it was not unlikely that my brain would have crashed against my skull. I would have taken the full force of the hit, and the other player would have experienced little resistance from me.