Take Your Life Back

by Stephen Arterburn

  I took the diagnosis from Dr. Amen and had a further examination of my brain function by psychologist Rick Tansey, who operates a brainwave optimization program called Max My Brain. They hooked me up to some electrodes and recorded my brain-wave activity in the form of electrical currents. The results of the study were that the left side of my brain was about eight times hotter than the right side. Rick Tansey said it was “on fire.” You might think that a lot of activity would be a good thing, but those parts of my brain were so active that in a sense they were paralyzed. When challenged, those parts shut down and I could not respond. This finding, combined with the brain scans taken by Dr. Amen, were fairly conclusive: My brain had suffered some type of trauma.

  For the first time, I began to reflect on my last year of playing football, and I remembered feeling as if I had really gotten beaten up. When I compared my off-field behavior before my last season of football with my behavior after that season, it made sense that something had traumatized my brain. It helped me to understand how I could have seen such a dramatic change in my choices. Yes, I was a typical teenager at the time, prone to impulsive decisions and not thinking things through entirely. And yes, as a normal human, I was capable of messing up my life without needing any other factors to blame. But the evidence for some sort of trauma was real and compelling, and it made more sense out of my past and present decisions than anything else I had seen.

  Various Types of Trauma

  Trauma occurs when an extremely stressful event destroys our sense of security, leaves us vulnerable, and maybe even reduces us to a state of helplessness. If you have been traumatized, you know what it feels like to be overwhelmed, to obsess about when the next dreaded catastrophic event might occur or about when you might be abandoned. You know what it’s like to wait for the next insult or threat of physical harm, or to be lied to in a way that makes you question your sanity. Some of us have lived this way for years and have depleted every emotional or psychological reserve we ever had.

  When we are traumatized, events happen unexpectedly, and we find ourselves unprepared to handle the shocking reality or horrific threat that we face. We shrink into believing that we are powerless to prevent further trauma, and we try to rid our minds of the memories of what occurred in previous episodes. When we have repeatedly been traumatized by a cruel or indifferent person or by difficult or uncontrollable circumstances, and when this string of traumatic events dates all the way back to childhood, it is easy to see the damage that can be done. Even just one traumatic event can have a tremendous and lasting impact on our lives.

  The traumas we see most often in counseling are caused by sexual, physical, or verbal abuse, including domestic violence and neglect. We also see bullying and gaslighting—a deceptive technique for controlling a relationship in which a person tries to distort and define reality for someone else. When we are repeatedly or continually coerced, manipulated, or put down, it’s easy to see how life could start to seem impossible and how we could feel helpless, hopeless, and overwhelmed.

  If you are wondering whether your own experience would be considered traumatic, here are some symptoms that often surface as a result of trauma:

  Muscle spasms, tension, and sharp pain

  Aches and pains in your organs, bones, and skin

  Fatigue, waking up tired, and never gaining energy throughout the day

  Being jumpy or easily startled

  Being constantly on edge or alert, and being upset by seemingly small things

  Racing or irregular heartbeat

  Sleep disturbances, including nightmares, insomnia, and frequent and early awakenings

  All of these physical symptoms accompany reactive living, as well. Most trauma survivors live reactively and may also see psychological symptoms emerge:

  Withdrawal from others in an attempt to stay safe

  Feeling disconnected from God, others, and even reality

  Numbness that makes it difficult to respond quickly to stimulus

  Paralyzing shock that hinders normal, open reactions

  Complete disconnection and withdrawal from others

  Toxic shame, unrelenting guilt, and obsessive regret

  Inability to concentrate or focus; difficulty in making simple decisions

  Feeling confused or even crazy

  Compulsive, self-protective behaviors, such as lying, secrecy, or making excuses

  Depressive thoughts of hopelessness and extreme sadness

  Emotional augmentation resulting in the extremes of shame, regret, rage, and excessive irritability

  The Trauma Bond

  One of the most unlikely results of trauma caused by another person is that we may form a bond with the perpetrator. Even though the person is toxic and unsafe, he or she exudes power and strength, which we may be drawn to. So we may cling to an abuser and return for more ill treatment rather than run for the door. If people ask us why we are so loyal to someone who is so cruel, it is very likely that we have become part of a trauma bond. Even when trauma is the primary feature of a relationship, we may stay attached to an abusive person who uses excitement, fear, sexual aggression, extreme behaviors, and risky situations to force us to cling and bond.

  In reactive living, our reaction to a trauma-inducing individual is not a conscious choice. It feels like the only choice. We may feel foolish making this choice, but our fear wins out, and the bond continues. The longer this sick relationship lasts, the more devastating the consequences will be.

  At the time we started working together, there was little talk in the mental health field about the impact of trauma on dysfunctional relationships. The focus was primarily on the role of the enabling codependent, who was often viewed as sicker than the trauma-inflicting individual. Fortunately, someone finally noticed that these enabling or supportive behaviors were more complex than simple choices. In fact, these behaviors were not choices at all; they were predictable reactions to difficult people and predicaments.

  What is not so different between enablers and trauma victims is that they both need help—and the sooner the better. And the right kind of help is available. There is no bias against enabling or dependency issues. We have a much more complete understanding of trauma and its effects on decision making. People who have been robbed of their freedom are treated with compassion and without judgment. We know why they may have put so much effort into concealing everything and trying to live invisibly. For anyone who has been traumatized, the help available today is far more compassionate and understanding than it was even five years ago.

  If you have been hit hard by trauma, we hope you understand that it’s possible to change the way you are reacting to it. We hope you will be able to reach out and find new strength and resources. Then you can move on rather than remain trapped by the trauma that has kept you locked away from the life of freedom and joy that you could be living.

  9

  THE LOSS OF YOUR REAL SELF

  AT THE BEGINNING of this book, we looked at how the older brother in the parable of the prodigal son developed ineffective ways of dealing with his woundedness—through detachment, judgment, and bitterness. And we’ve seen how we can develop the same ineffective strategies for dealing with our own childhood woundedness, which includes our early attachment styles and the effects of shame and trauma.

  Codependent behaviors have become pervasive in our society. According to the National Center for Health Statistics, “about 43 percent of US adults have been exposed to alcoholism or problem drinking in the family.”[24] Add to those numbers all the people dealing with sexual addictions (including pornography) and drug addictions (including prescription drugs), and the circle widens to include just about all of us. And let’s not forget that codependency itself is a form of addiction, one that takes a great toll on lives. It affects the hormonal balance in our brains, affects our bodies through chronic and terminal illnesses, shuts down our emotions, attacks our soul and our spirit, and undermines our relationship with God.

&nbs
p; Dependency Issues and the Human Brain

  When we ingest a chemical, such as alcohol or a drug, we spark a response in the pleasure/reward center of the brain. All drugs of abuse, from nicotine to heroin to alcohol, cause a particularly powerful surge of dopamine in the nucleus accumbens, the part of the brain that neuroscientists refer to as the pleasure center. That part of the brain is also associated with the compulsive processes that eventually lead to addiction.

  Not every addiction is related to dopamine or the nucleus accumbens. Codependency and other process addictions may operate with adrenaline as the primary hormone. Codependency also taps into the limbic system, which involves our appetites and our emotional responses, such as fear and anger. In other words, codependency doesn’t tap into the pleasure center; it is more fear based or anger based. There is no pleasure gained by being codependent.

  Why are most dependency issues based primarily on fear? Think of how they develop. Starting with insecure attachment issues and adding the effects of shame, trauma, and woundedness, we can understand why a developing child wouldn’t feel very safe or secure. The task of ensuring our safety starts in the amygdala, a little almond-shaped collection of neurons buried deep in the brain that integrates our emotions and our motivations. Its primary task is to warn us of impending danger. The amygdala signals the release of adrenaline and other hormones to prepare the body for the fight, flight, or freeze response. In dysfunctional homes, the amygdala is repeatedly stimulated, and neural pathways related to high stress and fear are formed. Eventually, these response patterns become automatic.

  When we bury our real self, we become hypersensitive to anything that appears to threaten our security—not just our physical security but also our emotional security. As soon as anything triggers the feeling of being unsafe, we get a shot of adrenaline without even realizing it. The unsafe feeling could be as basic as picking up on a depressed mood in another person. This can result in constant vigilance, as we monitor our reaction to the other person’s behavior. When we live in someone else’s territory, we are forever on alert lest we miss an important cue and fail at our codependent task.

  Growing up in a highly stressful environment pits the two sides of the brain—the emotional side and the logical side—against each other. When we’re forced to live with fear, especially of being abandoned or rejected in some way, or when we’re forced to repress our anger to avoid making things worse, we gradually turn off the reasoning part of our brain because the way we’re being treated makes no logical sense. Eventually, we stop trying to understand.

  As we repress our faculties of logic and struggle on with our emotions, the emotional part of the brain gets stronger and eventually takes over. Over time, as we are forced to learn how to read the moods and emotions of our parents, we become quite skilled at sensing emotional danger in other people. Unfortunately, we don’t develop the ability to read our own emotions and moods. We’re too busy watching for danger. All we’re aware of in ourselves is our fear, along with an undercurrent of anger.

  By the time we become dependency-based adults, all of these processes are automatic. Without thinking, we just follow the well-worn and heavily traveled neural pathways in our brains. It’s kind of like a trail in the woods that leads from the general store to a cabin you’ve rented for the week. The well-traveled pathway to the store may be the long way around, but it’s probably the path you’ll take without even thinking about it.

  Changing our automatic responses involves creating new neural pathways—which, to extend our example of the cabin in the woods, may involve hacking around in the brush and the forest a little bit. But one day, as you’re taking the long way to the store, you realize that a shortcut is possible but there’s no trail for it. So you get a machete and cut a new path. It may take a lot of effort, but eventually you clear a better way. Still, it’s not yet automatic. You have to keep taking the path and keep clearing the underbrush.

  Next year, when you rent the same cabin, you’re surprised to find that your new pathway looks very inviting and well-worn. As others have used it, the path has become stronger and clearer. The old pathway is still there, but because it’s not used as much, it’s no longer as clear or obvious.

  For our brains to recover from their childhood patterning, new neural pathways must be established. That’s why taking your life back requires time and repetition—you’re “blazing” new and healthier response patterns. We’ll look at how to do that in our discussion of the responsive life in Part II.

  Dependency and the Body

  Stress is a natural consequence of living with fear and anxiety. One researcher likened it to a runner preparing for a hundred-yard dash who gets stuck in “get set” mode.[25] When sprinters prepare for a race, they may jump around a bit to warm up before setting their feet on the starting blocks. When the starter says, “On your mark,” the runners shift into their starting stance. When the starter says, “Get set,” every muscle tightens as the runners anticipate exploding out of the starting blocks. But what if the starter never fires the gun? The runners are left in the starting blocks with adrenaline coursing through their bodies. If they stay in “get set” mode for very long, they will soon collapse.

  The researcher’s point is that we live in a “get set” world. Our fears and anxiety never let up. This is especially true for codependents, who are constantly “reading the tea leaves” in their relationships.

  For years, depression was thought to be caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain. Pharmaceutical companies have spent countless millions designing targeted medications to deal with shortages of neurotransmitters such as serotonin. But other research suggests that the chemical imbalances are a result of depression rather than a cause.[26] Chronic and continually high stress causes the brain to change hormonally, increasing both adrenaline and cortisol. An excess of these hormones leads the brain to change in other ways, as well. For example, the hippocampus, which is related to short-term memory, may shrink, causing us to become more forgetful.

  In addition, the executive part of the brain—the prefrontal cortex—also shrinks. That’s the part of the brain we use when making decisions, and it’s where long-term memory is stored. Shrinkage can be caused by too much adrenaline and cortisol in the system. Cortisol, the stress hormone, is designed to have a short-term purpose. Through exercise and a good night’s sleep, it dissipates from the body until it is needed again. But when we live with high stress and depression, we often don’t exercise properly or get enough sleep, which can leave residual amounts of cortisol in our system. The double-whammy is that the effects of high stress can make it more difficult for us to make the life changes that are necessary to reduce our stress.

  All of that, in turn, weakens our immune system. We begin with small complaints, such as “I’m tired a lot” or “I ache.” Eventually these complaints can become illnesses such as gastritis or high blood pressure, or they may even lead to serious physical debilities such as chronic fatigue syndrome. A compromised immune system limits our ability to fight off infections and can contribute to the effects of terminal diseases such as cancer or heart disease. Most illnesses that send us to the doctor are stress related in some way.[27] We aren’t meant to live like this. Our bodies can’t handle chronic stress. But Life Recovery is the antidote.

  Dependency and the Emotions

  Repressing our emotions also weakens our immune system—which doesn’t bode well for adults who are dependent and who operate on the unspoken rule that it’s not okay to talk about or openly express our feelings. For those of us who buried our emotions a long time ago, repression is an easy rule to follow. We may have become quite adept at reading the emotions and moods of others, but we’ve lost touch with our own emotions.

  In repressing our emotions, we’re trying to bury only our negative feelings. We don’t want to deal with the pain, but we still want to experience the positive emotions of love, joy, and peace. Unfortunately, in burying our negative emotions, we tend to b
ury all of our emotions. As a consequence, we can’t risk being too happy or joyful because digging out those positive emotions may bring us into contact with other buried but painful emotions. In seeking to feel joy, we may end up feeling pain that we’re trying to avoid. The sudden shifts from joy to pain can be confusing. But it’s all because our emotions are connected to each other. What we do with one emotion, we tend to do with all our emotions.

  Unexpressed anger can lead to sudden, inappropriate outbursts that go way beyond what might be anticipated. If we buried our anger in childhood because our parents were unavailable, unresponsive, unaccepting of us, or abusive in some other way, we can end up projecting that anger onto our spouse, kids, boss, or coworkers—often out of proportion to what’s going on at the time.

  In many cases, we turn that anger against ourselves, which contributes to our depression, compulsive behaviors, and addictions. Unexpressed anger doesn’t dissipate; it just simmers under the surface. Others can often sense it more than we can. We think it’s buried—and it may be—but it’s only an inch under the surface.

  Unexpressed fear may result in anxiety disorders, insomnia, heart arrhythmias, and sexual dysfunction. Unexpressed guilt and shame may lead to self-neglect, weight issues, and other compulsive or self-destructive behaviors. It may cause us to shame, blame, or criticize other people in our lives. Passive-aggressive behaviors are a common response to repressed emotions.

  Unexpressed feelings also negatively affect our immune system, making us vulnerable to all sorts of illnesses. Feelings and emotions are not limited to the mind; they affect every part of our lives—physical, relational, and spiritual.