Mine

by Jennifer Suzanne

  Ryan glanced over to where Jess was still sitting and then back to Drew. He slowly closed his eyes and opened them again as the sting of rejection and humiliation washed over him, then turned to leave.

  Drew gripped the knob tightly and slammed the door. He exhaled and turned to face Jess, but she was right behind him. She put her arms around his neck and kissed him. She could almost feel the anger vibrating off him, but he pulled her closer. She kissed him gently, cautiously; she wanted him to know he had nothing to worry about, but she had no idea how to tell him. She felt horrible about Ryan’s visit and what he had overheard. Drew pressed his forehead to hers, relieved at her touch, but the earlier questions about how much contact she and Ryan had shared continued to run through his mind. He met her worried eyes as she held his face in her hands, but he couldn’t shake the anger he felt towards Ryan and the accusations he’d overheard. Drew fumed. Ryan obviously didn’t know Jess as well as he thought he did. In fact, he had tried. He squeezed his eyes shut and imagined a more satisfying sequence of events in which he pushed Ryan over as he knelt in front of Jess and punched the daylights out of him.

  Jess ran her hands through his hair, and he slid his hands from her back to her stomach. He opened his eyes and focussed on her: she was still there with him, after all; she hadn’t left with Ryan. Her sweet vanilla scent and her beautiful face and her ponytail. Her cute and sexy black and white striped shirt that hung off one shoulder and stretched across her growing belly. He wanted to ask her all the burning questions in his mind; he wanted her to tell him he was the one and that there was no doubt in her mind that this baby was his.

  “I’m sorry Drew, I didn’t know Ryan was coming.” He stared at her, willing her to continue. “I haven’t even talked to him, I mean like a few texts—he asked me how I was, that was all, Drew.” Tears flowed freely down her face now as she rambled.

  He stood there, completely shocked at the brand-new person in front of him. His anger dissipated and turned to worry—he didn’t want extra stress to affect her or the baby. He chastised himself for letting Ryan get to him, though he still couldn’t shake the thought that maybe there was a chance that these were tears of guilt. Nevertheless, he wiped her tears with his thumbs and pulled her in close.

  “I know, Jess,” he said in his best soothing voice. “I’m not mad at you.” He held her hands and laughed nervously and shook his head. “I’m just…” he looked at the floor, his face crimson, “… jealous and insecure.” He was relieved when she laughed and wiped her eyes on her sleeve. “He’s just…got a lot of nerve showing up here like that.”

  “He’s always been that way. You should have seen him stand up to the men who tried to steal our supplies. He also saved my life more than once.”

  Drew put his hands up in surrender. “Okay. Okay. I don’t really need to hear about the man in love with you being a doctor and a war hero.”

  Jess grinned again and played with his fingers before she turned serious and decided to tell him. “We did have a…night together.” She said it quietly.

  Drew stood motionless; he closed his eyes, gripped her hands, and hung his head. He prayed that he had heard her wrong and that she wasn't going to tell him that she'd slept with him around the same time she got pregnant. Surely, he thought, she wouldn’t have let him fall this hard for her and believe the baby was his when she wasn’t sure…

  “I knew how he felt about me and what he wanted. We went back to his barracks—but Drew, I didn’t feel anything.” Drew felt paralyzed as he tried to figure out what she was telling him. His heart pounded frantically. He wondered if they’d used a condom—but then, so had he and Jess. “I mean, that was normal for me—not to feel anything—but that wasn’t it…” she looked up into his eyes, “it was because I had been with you and—” her voice cracked, “I knew what it was like to feel something with someone for the first time.” Drew’s mind quieted. “I was thinking about you. I couldn’t sleep with him.”

  He didn’t care about anything else. She said that she hadn’t slept with Ryan, and she had chosen him. Between deep kisses and immeasurable relief, he told her again: “I love you, Jess.”

  Chapter 12

  As Jess and Drew pulled into his parents’ driveway, she started to second-guess her decision. Drew grinned and reached for her hand. He’d first told her that it was a party for Rider, to celebrate the fact that he was better and out of the hospital, but then he had casually mentioned that his family might also be bringing gifts for the baby. She rolled her eyes at him when, the next day, he said there was a possibility that there’d be a small birthday celebration for her as well.

  “You’re ready and you can do it, I know it,” he reassured her, squeezing her hand before he got out of the car.

  The smell of garlic and tomato sauce from Michelle’s cabbage rolls hit Jess like a ton of bricks as they entered the foyer, and this time her stomach growled with hunger and she was sure the baby did a somersault of joy. The glorious smell was followed by the sounds of music and talking, and the loud play of a healthy four-year-old boy. Jess was relieved when she saw him whizz by the living room with a toy airplane in his hand. Jess thought Drew’s family might be the type to greet people at the door and make a fuss, so when no one did, and they all casually waved to her from where they were standing, Jess knew it was for her benefit. Her breathing slowed, but her stomach still felt tight. Drew’s father brought her a glass of what appeared to be champagne—it was even in a flute, too. She raised her eyebrows at him and he smiled. “Sparkling cider, of course.” She grinned and took a sip. She wasn’t much of a drinker, but she would’ve killed for a real drink right then. She felt a tug on her sweater and heard the collective of Drew’s entire family hold their breath.

  “You visited me at the hospital.”

  Jess looked down into the face of the sweet little boy. He held up his toy airplane for her.

  “Wanna have a turn?” He put his tiny hand in hers to lead her to the living room, where he had a basket of various small vehicles on the floor. She had never held a child’s hand in this way before and marvelled at how the soft, damp skin felt against her own. On the way she noticed a group of presents on one table, wrapped in yellow and green paper with rattles on it, and another table with pink balloons, roses, and more presents wrapped with paper covered with cakes and candles. She fingered the soft petals of the flowers as she walked by and caught a waft of their fragrance. She caught Drew’s eye and he beamed at her as he stood talking with his sisters.

  Jess sat on the floor with Rider and pulled out the toys she wanted as he lined up his own. When he suggested one for her, she shook her head and frowned. He seemed perfectly fine with that; he needed no explanation. So unlike adults, she thought to herself approvingly. He made his way onto her lap and as they played with their tiny vehicles, she couldn’t help but rest her hand on his back and inhale his sweet, sweaty scent. She grinned to herself at everyone’s obvious relief that she didn’t eat him or worse.

  He shifted on her knee. “You have a big tummy.”

  “Rider!” Lily shouted from across the room; she had obviously been keeping a close eye on them.

  “I know, Mom!” he yelled back and then turned to Jess. “I know there’s a baby in there,” he justified. Jess grinned. “Did you swallow it? Is that how it got in there?”

  She handed him a helicopter. “You’ll have to ask your parents about that.”

  The little boy wiggled his bottom into her and busied himself with the toys. Lily made her way over and sat on the floor beside them, obviously worried that her son was going to say something else she deemed inappropriate; she rolled her eyes to Jess, smiling awkwardly. Jess studied her and wondered what she could say to this woman. Conversation didn’t come easily to her, and it seemed to Jess that it was the same for Lily. She looked at Rider and down at her own stomach and remembered the feeling she had when she almost miscarried. “Thank God he’s okay.”

  Lily’s shoulders slumped, and
she let out a breath. She described the guilt she felt at waiting too long to take him to a doctor, their hospital experience, and the fight she and Paul had about it. She talked about motherhood in general and how hard it was and how alone she felt sometimes. Jess nodded and listened while continuing to play with Rider, relieved that she didn’t have to speak.

  Alexa peered over at her sister and Jess across the room and then back at her brother. She was still worried. “So, how’s it going with her anyway?”

  Drew grinned broadly, thinking about what she’d said to him the other night about her feelings for him while she was in Kabul and how she’d turned Ryan down. “We’re making progress,” was all he said, but she looked sceptical.

  “Maybe we should save her from Chatty Cathy over there.”

  Drew laughed. Jess was a good listener; actually, it was perfect that his oldest sister had monopolized her with the many details of her life.

  After Jess had stuffed herself with enough cabbage rolls to feed an army, Michelle made her tea and propped her up on a chair in the living room, complete with pillows and a footstool, and proceeded to bring her gifts. Drew met her eyes and she nodded that she was fine. For whatever reason, she was comfortable there. She hadn’t even minded the attention; it was new and kind of nice. She didn’t feel numb like she usually did, she felt happy and relaxed. Her stomach continued to feel tight on and off, but she attributed it to the large amount of food she’d ingested. Alexa folded and stacked the baby clothes and blankets as Jess unwrapped them, and everyone commented on how cute and small they were as they speculated on the sex of the baby. They were all careful to keep it low-key and not put all the focus on Jess. She tried to keep her hand from shaking as Drew fastened the silver bracelet around her wrist that his family had bought her for her birthday, and helped her attach the tiny charms: a nurse’s cap, an armed forces badge, a stack of books, and a pacifier. She massaged her taut stomach and held back tears of gratitude for the first birthday gifts she’d ever received.

  By the end of the evening, Jess found it hard to concentrate on what everyone was saying. She tried to focus on her breathing as she kneaded her stomach and lower back in a circular motion; she stood and paced, hoping for some relief. She thought she was doing okay, but apparently the nights’ events had caught up with her and she was having some sort of anxiety attack. She suddenly regretted coming. She clearly wasn’t cut out for this sort of thing—especially all at once. She couldn’t make sense of it; she had really felt fine earlier. She was disappointed in herself and wondered if she would ever be normal. Everyone was busy tidying up and preparing to leave. She searched the room for Drew: he was loading the gifts, flowers, and balloons into the car. When he returned, he saw her face and frowned; she was pale and pacing. His first thought was that she was exhausted, and that it was time to get her home. He took her hands and asked her if she was okay. She vaguely heard him say goodbye and thank everyone as he tugged her gently towards the door, but she couldn’t move. This was the strangest anxiety attack ever. Her heart wasn’t even beating fast. She felt strangely calm, but restless at the same time.

  “Drew, your family is so nice, everyone…” she rambled mindlessly as she tried to make sense of her feelings.

  “Hey, it’s okay,” he said soothingly, “let’s get you home.” He tried to gently lead her to the door as everyone hugged them and said goodbye. He had to get her out of there; he wasn’t sure why she was suddenly so overwhelmed. He thought she’d handled the day perfectly. He caressed her back and pushed her boots towards her, but she didn’t move.

  “I thought I was okay, I’m sorry…” she continued, gripping Drew’s back and shaking her head into his chest; the world around her was blurry and the living room and his family were fading away. She was sweating now.

  Lily walked by them, carrying a sleeping Rider over her shoulder, and did a double-take when she saw Jess. “I know that look. You feeling okay, Jess?”

  Jess leaned harder on Drew and felt the warm trickle run down her legs.

  ***

  Drew reached deep within his brain to try and pull out the word that everyone was saying: labour. He knew it; it sounded familiar…. He stood there in a daze, staring at Jess and trying to process his sister’s words. Jess placed her chin on his chest and looked up at his bewildered face and grinned. He’d had the same look on his face when he first found out she was pregnant. She realized why she’d been acting weird—she wasn’t freaking out about Drew and his nice family; she was just in labour. She thought about the date at the same time she heard Drew’s voice say: “Three weeks. We still have three weeks.” He was panic-stricken as memories of the near miscarriage flooded his brain. She reached up to touch his face, to try and bring him back to reality.

  “The baby is full-term, Drew, it’s okay.”

  He knew that word too, but he couldn’t place it either. Suddenly, his family returned into focus. They were all scurrying around the room and talking about the good timing and how exciting it all was.

  Drew’s mom ushered Jess into the bathroom to help her clean up.

  “Car keys, son. Hospital.” John spoke in monosyllables to get his shocked son’s attention. It worked. Drew snapped out of his daze at his father’s words and exhaled, realizing then that he’d been holding his breath. Surely three weeks was way too early. Jess emerged from the bathroom smiling and looking relaxed. He needed to hold it together. He hugged her and placed his hands on her stomach,

  “Tell me what you need. I’m here.”

  “I think we have time. I’d like to go home and shower, get my bag.”

  Drew bobbed his head yes and then shook it no. “Anything but that. I want to take you straight to the hospital where there are people who know what to do and…medical machines and stuff.”

  Jess laughed at his irrational fear. They hugged everyone goodbye and promised to text when they arrived at the hospital. Jess stopped halfway to the car to bend over and grip her stomach as another contraction came over her. Drew looked at his watch and mumbled something about timing and how long it would take to get to her place and to the hospital. He kneaded her back like they’d done in the video he watched and tried to remember the rest of it. He wished Jess would’ve agreed to attend pre-natal classes. He thought to himself that maybe she knew it all because she was a nurse—but he sure didn’t. His heart was racing, and he felt like he knew less than ever.

  He helped her into the car and kissed her forehead. She called the maternity unit to let them know and they told her that if her water had broken that she should come in—but she knew she had time and she needed to see Chris. Drew was speeding, so she put her hand on his knee. He kissed her hand and put his foot on the brake.

  At Chris’s house, Jess hugged him tightly, much to his discomfort. He looked terrible: his eyes were red-rimmed, and he was clearly exhausted. This was, by far, the worst she’d ever seen him. She looked at his desolate face and frowned. “I need you to be there, at the hospital.” She couldn’t be worried about his whereabouts while she was trying to give birth. Chris nodded solemnly with vacant eyes.

  Jess turned on the shower as Drew paced in the bathroom. The hot water felt fabulous and she wanted to stay in there forever—she wanted to have the baby right there at home. She thought about Drew’s anxious face and decided she couldn’t do that to him. She peered out from behind the shower curtain.

  “Come and join me.”

  He frowned. He just wanted to get to the hospital and have them check on her and the baby. Reluctantly he undressed and stepped in. Another contraction started and he held her from behind and supported her weight. She threw her head back and leaned on him; he massaged her lower back and she guided his hands to the right spot. He figured this one was about twelve minutes from the last. He remembered reading that when contractions were five minutes apart…and something about being dilated…then it was close. Jess was relaxed; he took a deep breath and tried to follow her lead. He placed his hands on her stomach
and kissed her neck as she rocked back and forth. As the contraction passed, she turned to him. “We need to stop at your place.”

  His eyes widened as he mentally calculated the time and distance from there to the hospital and tried to figure out what she had there that she could possibly need right now. He didn’t think any of her belongings were at his apartment, not even a toothbrush. She was always careful to pack what she needed and then take it with her. “I want the ring.”

  Relieved, he smiled wide and kissed her; his fears dissolved. He helped her dress and breathe through another contraction. At the front door, Chris picked up her packed bag and slung it over his shoulder. She was relieved when he got into Drew’s car with them and not his own truck.

  Drew pushed the speed limit to his house and ran inside; he grabbed the ring box from the side table drawer and quickly threw a change of clothes and his toothbrush into a backpack. When he jumped back into the car, ring in hand, he considered that this wasn’t the ideal way or time or location in which he had wanted to propose to her. Not to mention she was in the throws of a contraction and squeezing Chris’s hands as he leaned forward from the backseat. But in that moment, he knew she was the one asking him. That she needed it to be on her terms and to be the one in control, and that was just fine with him. He grasped her free hand and held the open box out with his other. Chris grinned. She nodded through gritted teeth and when the contraction finished, Drew took the ring out of the box and carefully placed it on her finger. He held her neck with his hand and pressed his forehead to hers, closed his eyes and gently kissed her on the lips. The worry about the delivery and his little family’s health was momentarily overshadowed by sheer joy.

  ***

  At the hospital, the nurse examined her and discovered that she was six centimeters dilated and the fetal heart rate was strong. Jess beamed at Drew and teased him.