Mine

by Jennifer Suzanne

  “See? We have lots of time.” She hopped up off the bed and paced the halls of the maternity ward, stopping every few minutes to hold onto the rail and Drew during a contraction. Chris returned from parking the car with coffees for him and Drew and ice chips for Jess. While Chris was with her, Drew took the opportunity to call and update his family.

  Jess clung to Chris for the next contraction and made him promise that if anything happened to her, he would help Drew look after the baby—and if there was a choice to be made between her and the baby, she wanted him to make sure that Drew chose the baby. He told her that everything would be fine, that she shouldn’t worry. She studied his distracted face and prayed that this child would help him move on, too—give him a reason to forget the hurt of the past. She suspected that he was stalking their foster parents’ house with more frequency now because of the increased drinking, his silence and the bags under his eyes. She didn’t like what she saw, and she felt guilty that she’d been so caught up with the baby, the house, and Drew, that she hadn’t had the same time for him, but before she could talk to him, Drew returned, and suddenly Chris was gone down the hall.

  Jess lay on her side on the bed in her private room as Drew sat beside her and held her hands. She tried her best to hold still through the contraction as the anaesthetist inserted the epidural into her spine. She was sweating and panting; the pain was excruciating, and the contractions were coming on top of each other now, with no break in between. Drew’s family had arrived and were in the waiting room with Chris. Jess tried to slow her breathing and concentrate on the things that made her feel calm: the adrenaline rush of an incoming trauma, Ryan’s hands as he moved steadily over a patient, how she felt when she ran her hands through Drew’s hair, and how he looked at her like she wasn’t damaged. She thought about the serene land surrounding her brand-new house where she would raise this baby. She twisted the new ring around her finger and thought about how lucky she was to be having a child in a safe place like Canada.

  She squeezed Drew’s hands harder with the pain and felt him wince; it made her smile and she joked about him having his fair share of discomfort. Whenever she opened her eyes to look at him, he smiled lovingly back at her. He pushed her sweat-soaked hair away from her face and placed a cold washcloth on her forehead. He popped an ice chip into her mouth, and it felt like heaven. But in another second the pain intensified, and the room felt hot and the fetal monitor around her stomach felt tight and constricting and she tried to push it down and take it off. “No, no, no sweetie…leave that on,” she heard a nurse say as she re-adjusted the belt. “We need that to monitor the baby.”

  Jess frowned as her calming thoughts faded away and the darkness crept in—the lonely playpen, the gunfire…she heard the clanging of instruments in the background and recognized the set-up procedure…bodies scurried everywhere. The clear voices were suddenly muffled, and the noise bothered her, so she covered her ears. She felt the anaesthetist pull away from her bed and heard him strip off his gloves. His voice interrupted her negative thoughts: “That should do it. Any minute now you should have some relief, Miss Adams.” She reached back to squeeze his hand in thanks. “Good luck.” She felt the numbness from the anaesthesia begin to creep up her back and as she lost feeling in her lower body, the noise didn’t bother her quite as much.

  The nurse told her it was time to push. She helped Jess turn on her back, sit up, and bring her knees to her chest; she felt a new sense of clarity about what she needed to do.

  “That’s a good girl,” the nurse said as she examined her. “Ten centimeters. Perfect. Okay, here’s what we’re going to do. We’ll wait for the next contraction and then you’re going to push.”

  With no pain or feeling below her waist now it was wonderful. She smiled at Drew and he kissed her. He was relieved the epidural had kicked in; it was hard to see her in so much pain and he’d felt helpless. But how would she know to push if she couldn’t feel anything? The nurse saw the look on his face. She pointed to the monitor. “When the bumps go up, we push.” Drew nodded confidently even though he still felt clueless. The nurse called to her colleague to page the doctor.

  After three contractions and as many pushes, the baby’s heart rate began to drop. Jess saw the look on the nurse’s face and studied the monitor. They made eye contact and Jess immediately reached for the side rail of the bed to pull herself over onto her left side; the nurse pushed her paralyzed legs and Drew, unsure of why she was moving, switched sides so he could face her.

  “Let’s get this baby out, shall we?” the nurse said with urgency. She studied the monitor and much to her relief, the heart rate had picked up again. The OB-GYN on-call entered the room and she and the nurse had a private conversation. She introduced herself, sat on the stool, and wheeled to the bottom of the bed. Jess was crowning, and the doctor asked Drew if he wanted to see his baby’s head.

  Jess grabbed his arm. “Be sure. You’ll never be the same.”

  He grinned and hopped up, excited and fascinated to witness the birth of his child. “I’m tougher than you think, you know,” he protested but as he rounded the bottom of the bed. His face turned white. “Oh…oh God…that’s…how—?”

  Jess laughed and reached for his hand to pull him back up to the head of the bed. She figured that might be the end of their sex life for a while.

  “Okay, lets have a baby,” the doctor announced. They helped her back into a sitting position and she watched the doctor’s face as she studied the screen. It was impassive, but Jess knew the doctor was assisting the opening. She was grateful once again for the epidural. At the doctor’s word, Jess pushed with all the strength she had in the world.

  A few minutes later, the baby was born, and the nurse placed the infant on Jess’s chest as she wiped it vigorously with a towel and cleared its mouth and nose. The baby wriggled against Jess as she lowered her hospital gown and held the baby tightly against her bare skin. The noise of the room fell silent to Jess, and it was just the two of them. It was warm and its skin so soft; Jess kissed the baby’s head as it settled into her chest. She had never felt anything like this before—pure love—and she knew then with no doubt in her mind that she would do anything for this person. She ran her hand over the baby’s tight, dark curls and smiled. She looked up for Drew. The noise of the room returned.

  “Stat CBC and notify the blood bank…”

  Jess looked up to see everyone rushing. She looked down to see the doctor working quickly with sutures between her legs and she squeezed her eyes shut. She looked at her baby again; it seemed to be just fine, sleeping on her chest, but it hadn’t cried yet. She wondered if it was a boy or a girl; she couldn’t remember hearing the announcement. A nurse scooped the baby from her as another nurse massaged her stomach forcefully, working her uterus. It was painful; the epidural was starting to wear off. Jess knew she was bleeding and they were trying to make it stop. She was starting to feel weak and cold and sleepy. She heard her baby wail and relief washed over her. She looked up into Drew’s horrified face.

  “Drew, the baby. Promise me…and Chris…” He nodded, and tears streamed down his face as her eyes closed.

  Drew had never felt so terrified in his entire life. One minute, Jess was smiling and reaching for the baby to hold, and the next, she was deathly pale, and the nurses and doctor were frowning and racing around the room. Other staff entered, one with several bags of blood, and a team came for the baby. They pushed Drew back against the wall, out of the way. He heard their baby crying from across the room but all he could do was stand there and watch in horror as they tried to save Jess.

  After what seemed like an eternity to Drew, the pediatric team working on the baby dispersed and a nurse handed Drew a tightly swaddled bundle. “Hey, look who I have,” she said softly, “do you have any family here?” Drew accepted the tiny bundle and looked down at the perfect, scrunched up face with the long eyelashes and a head full of curls. His heart was full though he felt numb at the same time. He cou
ldn’t feel his feet. “Let’s go find them,” the nurse encouraged.

  He looked over at Jess who was the colour of the white bed sheet that she lay on, and he couldn’t physically move. He couldn’t leave her. The nurse nudged him. “Come on. They’re doing everything possible for her. You can come right back in.” He let her lead him out to the waiting room and to his family.

  His mom squealed at the sight of them and rushed over, followed by his father, his sisters, and Chris. “Oh my God, it’s a girl! I knew it!” She lowered the pink blanket to peer at her new granddaughter’s face. “Oh, honey, congratulations! She is so perfect!”

  Everyone gathered around, but Drew suddenly felt weak. He passed the baby to Michelle and plunked down on the vinyl waiting room sofa, his face in his hands. His mother swayed the baby back and forth and frowned at her son. “Drew?”

  “He probably saw something in there he didn’t want to,” his sister Lily laughed. “I know Paul sure got an eyeful when we had Rider. He hasn’t looked at me the same way since.” Michelle ignored her daughter and carried the baby over to sit beside Drew. Chris stood up, his fists clenched at his sides as he watched Drew and then looked to the nurse for answers.

  “What is it, honey? Is something wrong? Is Jess okay?” Michelle asked. Silence fell as the family took in the looks on Drew and the nurse’s face. Michelle spoke, her voice low and strong. “I’ve got the baby, Drew. Go in and be with her.”

  The nurse reached for Drew’s arm. His feet were like lead. Chris followed them and paced outside of her room.

  When Drew entered the room the first thing he saw were Jess’s eyes—they were half open, and he let out the breath he’d been holding. The fog cleared and he’d never felt so relieved in his entire life. The next thing he saw was the blood on the floor and his knees went weak. He pulled up a chair beside her.

  “The next few hours will tell, but she should be fine. We managed to stop the bleeding for now,” the doctor said as she stripped her gloves off and stood up. “You might need surgery, Jess.”

  Jess nodded weakly and looked at Drew. “I’m stronger than you think,” she smiled. Tears fell from both their eyes as he kissed her hands in gratitude. He couldn’t even imagine what he would do or how he would go on if he lost her. “Drew, I want my baby. And Chris needs to see me…”

  “I’ll get them,” the nurse replied and left the room. Drew lay his head on her chest and closed his eyes, thankful that she was out of the woods.

  The nurse updated Drew’s family, much to their relief, and returned with Chris and the baby. Drew took the baby as Chris made his way to the bedside. Jess reached up to touch his face and reassure him that she was fine, but when he looked at her, expressionless, she was terrified for him.

  Drew gazed at his daughter, finally really seeing her for the first time. Fresh tears of joy rose at the sight. She was perfect and beautiful—and she was the spitting image of him. He kissed her soft cheek and held her against his chest. She let out a soft sigh, as if she knew she was safe, and his heart filled with love. He knew, from that moment on, that he would do anything for her.

  Chris kissed the baby’s head and touched Drew’s shoulder before leaving the room. Drew carefully handed their daughter to Jess, and she held her against her chest with a deep sigh of relief.

  ***

  Chris bolted out of the hospital and ran all the way to the subway, sobbing and shaking. He pushed the thought of Jess dying out of his mind; he couldn’t deal with the idea of losing her right now—he felt the overwhelming compulsion to check on the house. His paranoid thoughts ran rampant against his will. Now that the baby was born, he felt the need to protect her and Jess more than ever. Did Charlie and June know about the birth yet? He knew they were waiting…keeping track…the boys living with them now would graduate from high school eventually and then they’d be looking for another paycheque. Jess’s baby would be an easy mark—they’d say that Jess was an unfit mother because she grew up in foster care—that she wasn’t capable of raising a child—but he knew better. He knew what a fantastic mom she would be and how she’d love that precious little girl. He would help her. And Drew would too, with his normal family. Chris wiped his eyes and felt his heartbeat accelerate as he approached the house.

  Chapter 13

  Jess had to stay four extra days in the hospital to recover from the bleeding. In the meantime, they named the baby Hope, and Jess spent the time resting and bonding with her. She’d worried that she wouldn’t be able to love the baby, but her fears had vanished the instant she held her daughter in her arms. She had never known a love like this; she would do anything to keep Hope safe and happy. They lay in bed together, chest to chest. Hope took to breastfeeding easily, making her way to Jess’s breast when she was hungry and latching effortlessly. Jess marvelled at how strong and smart she was.

  Drew was relieved that they were both okay and told Jess that she’d been right: they were only having one. He couldn’t go through that again. Jess wondered what kind of shape her uterus was in after the trauma, and if she could even have more children. It didn’t matter; she was perfectly content with Hope. Drew stayed with Jess and the baby the first two nights on a cot the nurses had set up for him. Jess was frail and anaemic; he’d had to pass her the baby from the bassinette. The next two days, when she was a little stronger and could stand, he left briefly to go home to shower and change, ensuring first that Chris would stay with her. He was over the moon at how Jess had bonded with the baby.

  ***

  Chris rocked little Hope in the chair in the hospital room every afternoon while Jess slept. When Chris held that tiny baby against his chest, he felt a peace and a wholeness that he had never experienced before. He would protect this new member of his family, just as he had protected Jess. He would do anything to make sure they were safe. But that thought inevitably led to darker ones: the smirk on Charlie’s face when he’d asked if Jess was pregnant, as if it were some dirty secret and Jess was incapable of being a good mother. Chris couldn’t stop obsessing over the conversation. Chris hugged the sleeping baby a little harder. He vowed that Hope would always be loved, and he would take her anywhere she wanted to go.

  Jess stretched and rolled over in the hospital bed after a deep sleep. She thought immediately of Hope and fear engulfed her as she ran her hands over her stomach and searched her body and the bed for her missing baby. She’d done this a few times since the birth and it was a strange sensation. A nurse told her it was common among new mothers; after all, she’d been carrying the baby inside her for almost nine months. But then she remembered and sat up to see Chris holding Hope and talking to her softly while pressing his nose and mouth against her curly hair. She sank back into the pillow and relaxed. She knew the feeling and the wonderful smell of her new baby. Her heart lurched, and she was suddenly desperate to hold her, but she wanted Chris to experience the same emotions. She prayed that he felt even a fraction of what she did for Hope. She even dared to fantasize that this baby would be enough to keep him away from Charlie and June’s house. He saw her watching him, and she smiled. “I think we’ll come back to your house. She came early, and nothing is ready at the new house yet.” Chris felt a surge of joy at her words. He wanted nothing more for her and the baby to live with him. He almost accepted her offer.

  “Drew’s parents and sisters have been cleaning and moving in furniture. I moved the crib up there last night. Don’t say anything, they wanted it to be a surprise.” She hated surprises. Jess’s eyes widened and he liked the feeling of making her happy, but, even though she’d just be up the hill from his house, it tore at his heart to let her go.

  ***

  Jess entered her new home and tears glazed her eyes. Instead of the drywall dust that had covered everything for so long, it looked and smelled fresh and clean. The hardwood floors gleamed, and she could smell the chicken noodle soup even before she saw it bubbling in the slow cooker on the kitchen counter. It didn’t feel real; it felt like a dream. Drew se
t the car seat down and Jess carefully unbuckled Hope and lifted her out.

  “Come on, I’ll give you the tour. This is your new home,” she murmured to her as she walked around, admiring the paint colours and new furniture. She turned back to Drew, who was standing in the living room, smiling at what she’d said to the baby but looking unsure. “What your family did for us…” she began, shaking her head in amazement.

  He held his breath; did she mean the three of them? More likely she had just meant her and Hope. He felt childish and selfish for thinking about himself and what he wanted right now—he should just be grateful that they were both okay, and happy that Jess was so elated about bringing Hope to her new home. He smiled and played along.

  “Chris found your paint samples and stayed up every night painting. And the furniture, they just guessed, so if you want to exchange anything, you can….”

  Jess nodded, still mute and overcome. Chris hadn’t mentioned all the hard work he’d put in as well. She walked by the spare bedroom where she’d imagined Drew’s office. It contained a bookshelf with all her paperbacks and a cozy chair for reading. She looked at him with surprise.

  “I thought when it was too cold on the back deck, you could read in here. You can change it if you’d like, it was just an idea.” He looked at the floor and rocked back on his heels.

  Drew and his family knew her. It was a strange but incredible feeling. She kissed the top of Hope’s head and made her way to her baby’s room. The soft pale yellow that she’d chosen for the walls was perfect. There was a crocheted yellow blanket draped over the crib in the middle of the room and a pink teddy bear on the rocking chair. It was simple and elegant, and Jess couldn’t have been happier. She felt overwhelmed and weak and headed to the living room to sit down. She passed her bedroom and noted the freshly made bed with the blue and grey linens. She sat on her new grey sectional sofa, put her feet up on the chaise lounge, and lay against the oversized yellow throw pillow. She held Hope against her chest and closed her eyes. Tears ran down her cheeks. She finally had a home of her own. Drew sat beside her, frowning at how pale she was. She had lost so much blood, and despite two blood transfusions while she was in hospital, the doctor had said she would need some time to build up her own red blood cells.