I trace the tips of my fingers from his forearm up to his shoulders and then down his stomach, enjoying the flexing of the muscles as I touch him. He’s holding perfectly still, allowing me to explore, so I move to his other arm and look at the tattoo on his shoulder. “What does this mean?”
It’s a series of what look like Celtic knots in the shape of a triangle. “It’s the symbol of brotherhood.”
“It looks like the spear of an arrow and is beautiful.”
His smile is soft. “Each of us has one.”
I lean forward and press my lips to it. Then I get up on my knees and go around to his back, needing to see every inch of skin he has on display. I find another tattoo right below his shoulder blade. “And this?”
My fingers trace the black ink of the skeleton of a frog holding a trident of some sort. “That’s a tattoo that SEALs get when we lose someone in the line of duty. It’s a bone frog because we are frogmen.”
“I’m sorry you lost someone.”
Connor’s hand wraps around my wrist, and he pulls me back to his front. “I’ve lost a lot of people in my life, and God, I pray I never lose you.”
“You never will.”
His eyes close as his forehead rests on mine. “I’m trying to be patient, but you’re killing me, love. I need to touch your perfect skin,” he says as his hand roams down my side. “I need to kiss every inch of you.” His lips find purchase on my upper chest, right above where I really want his mouth again. “I want to feel myself inside you.” I make an incoherent sound of pleasure as he lays me back down. “But right now, I really want to make you come on my tongue.”
And then I’m pretty sure I melt into oblivion. “Connor,” I say, not really sure what I’m asking for. I want him, but God, it’s been so long since anyone has cared about me or my pleasure.
I don’t even know what I like or want.
“What, love?”
“I just . . . it’s been . . . I don’t know.”
“Shh,” he coos. “Just tell me if I do something you don’t like.”
I release a deep breath and try to relax. He will never hurt or force me to do something I don’t want or like. I have to trust him, and I do.
He parts my legs, and then kisses the insides of my thighs. I relax as much as I can with equal amounts of nerves and desire swirling around. Then I feel his mouth move down toward the juncture of my legs, and my breathing is so heavy my head is swimming.
“Relax, Ellie, I’m going to make you feel good.”
And then he does. His tongue swipes against my opening, drawing pleasure from me in a way I haven’t felt since . . . him. He licks, sucks, and teases my clit, pushing me higher and higher and then easing me back down. He does this a few times, which makes me want to scream, cry, and beg him to never stop. It feels so good I almost can’t take it.
I’m panting and holding the sheets in a death grip as an orgasm sits on the brink of exploding. I call out his name, and he sucks harder and then flicks his tongue. Then I’m gone.
Everything is light and perfect and I never want to come down.
He crawls up the length of my body, and I stare at him, wondering how the hell we ever found each other again and what a stroke of luck it was. I take advantage of this position and move to his jeans, needing to touch him.
He helps me get them off and then my breathing catches. He’s magnificent. His cock is thick and long, and everything I remember and have fantasized over. My fingers wrap around him and start to move. Connor’s eyes close, and I need him to talk. The silence is deafening.
“Am I doing it right?”
“Oh, love, you couldn’t do it wrong. You touch me, and I’m in fucking heaven.”
He shifts a little, lying on his side and this angle is much better. Our lips meet again as I continue to stroke him. “I want you to make love to me,” I say. “Now, Connor. I need you.”
He kisses me harder and then moves so he’s on top of me.
His lips are back on mine as he settles himself between us. We look at each other, and I have to get out all that’s inside me. It’s too much. The emotion, the pleasure, the feelings that I can’t contain. “I love you. I love you because you make me happy. You give without want, and I have never had that. I love you because you loved Hadley and me before you knew we were truly yours, but I am yours, Connor. I think in some way, I always have been. Please, take me and love me.”
He doesn’t say anything, but he doesn’t have to. I see everything in his heart in those gorgeous green eyes. I feel what his soul is saying as his lips claim mine and he slowly slides into me, changing my own soul irrevocably.
Chapter Thirty-Four
Connor
I’m going to hell.
I can’t seem to care enough about the descent to get there to stop. My entire plan was thrown out the door when she begged. Denying her was impossible, and I had to have her just once.
I know I’m a bastard. There isn’t a doubt in my mind that she’ll hate me for this, but at least I can hold this night with me when she’s gone.
“That was . . .” Ellie says, trying to catch her breath.
It was every fantasy I’ve ever had.
It was every fantasy I never knew to have.
It was everything I hoped and feared, and it’ll be the last time.
“Yeah,” I say, lying on my back, staring up at the ceiling, and wishing to God I could have more time. “It was.”
She curls against my side, her arm resting on my chest, and I hold her tighter. I keep telling myself to say the words, to tell her what I know and give her the truth, but then I bargain for another moment. I would go back in time, do anything to undo the past, but I can’t, and I hate myself more than I can ever express.
All I want is to make her happy, and now, something that happened eight years ago—something that changed both of our lives but was neither of our doing—is going to force me to break her heart. In turn, it will destroy mine.
I always thought that if I ever told someone about what happened, the weight would be lifted from me. For so long, I’ve held it in, pushed it from my mind so that I could live with myself. How wrong I was. I would do anything to keep it inside until the end of time.
It was why I worked so hard in the military, because I needed to be a better person and try to save someone.
I knew that coming back here would resurrect a lot of ghosts from my past, I never thought it would collide with my future. A future I want more than the very breath in my lungs or heart in my chest.
Fuck my father.
Fuck Declan.
Fuck everyone who knew they’d be the sole source of pain for the person they loved and were too selfish to walk away.
My brothers and I are ready for whatever the consequences may be. They’re willing to take the fall because they know I can’t be a father to Hadley or the man Ellie needs with this secret between us.
I can’t do this to her, and yet, I have to.
How am I going to say the words? I try to concoct a plan that could mitigate the damage, but there is none.
“Connor?”
I look down at the very sated Ellie who doesn’t seem to have a worry in the world. “Yes?”
I wonder if she can see my guilt. If she can feel the angst that’s rolling around inside me, the self-resentment that is growing with each passing minute. Does she know that I love her? Does she know I was willing to fight my brothers for her? Will it matter?
“I love you.”
And that’s my undoing. She loves me, a man whose father stole two lives from her. She told me about how hard it was losing her parents. All these years her mystery has gone unsolved and now my father can’t even pay for the pain he caused her.
Why did it have to be her?
Why couldn’t it be anyone else?
“I love you, Ellie. I fucking love you with my entire fucking world and . . .” I have to say it. It has to be now. Here, in the bed, naked after loving her with all that I
am, I have to break her.
When she sits up, her eyes are filled with a million questions. “What’s wrong?”
“I have to tell you something.”
“Okay.” Her voice shakes a little.
I shift so that we’re facing each other. I have to be a goddamn man and own up to what happened when I was basically a kid.
What I’m not ready for is to lose her.
“Eight years ago, the night we met, do you remember I said that my father and I went at it?”
She seems to visibly relax and nods. “Yes, of course.”
“We were arguing about something that happened the night of my high school graduation, which was the week before. My brothers were home for my ceremony. They knew I had joined the navy and wanted to be here for my swearing-in ceremony.”
Her fingers link with mine, and I swallow hard. Jesus, she’s fucking comforting me. The knot in my stomach is so tight it hurts.
“We don’t have to talk about this . . .”
“Yes, we do. That night, Ellie, the night of my high school graduation was a fucking nightmare. My father had been drinking, like always, and he was out of control. He was yelling at everyone, calling my brothers and I names. He tried to take a swing at Sean, but he wasn’t a kid anymore, so they ended up fighting. It was . . . well, another fun night for the Arrowood brothers. The four of us took off for the barn, like we always did when we wanted to get away. And that’s where mistake number one happened.”
“I don’t understand.”
“We left.”
She shakes her head. “I still don’t get it.”
“He never had access to the car keys. He wasn’t a fun or silly drunk. He was belligerent and thought he was better and smarter than any of us. Good ole Dad thought he could do what he wanted because no one tells an Arrowood how to live.”
She starts to fidget her hands. “He drove?”
There’s no going back now. Here is where I have to say the words.
“Yes, he drove, but he didn’t drive his truck. He wanted to teach Sean a lesson so he took his car. Declan saw the headlights pulling away from the house, and we ran. We got into the back of Jacob’s truck and took off. But we didn’t have a plan. I mean . . . how do you get a drunk driver to pull over?”
“Connor . . . I don’t understand.”
Of course, she doesn’t. She has a good heart and wouldn’t put two and two together. Or maybe she will. The look in her eyes tells me that she knows where this horrible story is going.
“We followed him through three towns, trying to figure out a way to get him to stop. The entire time, we argued over what to do. I wanted to run him off the road, let him kill himself because it would be a gift, but Jacob refused. We were still arguing when we saw another car coming. I swear, Ellie, all four of our hearts stopped beating. We were screaming, flashing the lights to get the oncoming car to stop. They didn’t see that my father was swerving so badly he probably didn’t even know what lane he was in. Jake tried, he bumped the back of Sean’s car, hoping that it would send him into a ditch, but . . .”
“But it sent him into oncoming traffic.” She barely gets the words out.
“Into the other car.”
Her eyes close, and a tear falls down her beautiful cheek. “Into my parents.”
I wait until she looks at me, praying she sees the regret and sorrow in my eyes. “Yes.”
Chapter Thirty-Five
Ellie
I sit here, replaying the words in my head over and over. His father was responsible.
My body feels as though thousands of ice shards are poking me. I keep shaking my hands, hoping the feeling comes back. I struggle to draw air into my lungs, and it’s as though the walls are caving in. I can’t stay here. I can’t just . . . sit here.
I jump to my feet, pulling the sheet with me and wrapping it around my body, my stomach roiling and saliva flooding my mouth. I’m going to be sick if I sit still a second longer.
He was there. He saw my parents be killed. By his father.
He knew. He fucking knew what happened, and all this time, he’s kept this from me.
“Ellie,” he says from behind me.
“No! No! Don’t say another word.”
My mind is going in circles as I look at him. Connor, the man who I am so in love with that I gave myself to him wholly, the man who held me after I had been beaten, had been lying to me. He vowed to protect me, built a tree house for Hadley, made me believe in him, and all for what? All so he . . . could . . . break my fucking heart?
His chest rises and falls as he extends his hand toward me. “Ellie, let me explain.”
There’s no way he can. He used me, just like Kevin. Anger churns in my gut, and I explode. “You knew!” I scream. “You knew, and you, what? You came and rescued me so that you could ease your conscience? Was I some game? Was this fun for you? Save the girl whose parents you killed?”
His eyes widen. “No! What happened with us had nothing to do with any of this.”
“Right.” I laugh. “The hell it didn’t. You were there, Connor! You were there, and you kept your big secret, and now you tell me? After all of this!” I point to the bed where I let him love me. I felt his love all the way through my bones, and now I want to break every last one of them.
How could he do this to me? How could he use me like this?
“I didn’t know until the other day.”
Please. “I’m not a fool. Sure, I’ve acted like one, and I was the dumb girl who stayed in an abusive marriage, but I wasn’t lying about any of it. I gave you everything! I gave you my heart, my love, our daughter!” I scream the last word through a sob. “God, you let me tell her! You fucking asshole! How could you do this to her?”
My tears fall easily while my heart breaks into a million pieces. I trusted him. I thought that he wouldn’t lie to me, but he did. He has been all along.
I wipe my face, feeling angry and broken.
“I didn’t know until Declan came. He pieced it together, and I swear that’s the truth. I love you, and I love Hadley, I would never hurt you on purpose.”
Well, he’s a little late for that. It’s exactly what he did. He used me to get what he wanted.
“If that’s true, then you still knew before you let us share a night together. Why? So you could get laid before you told me you saw who killed my parents?” I can’t stop yelling at him. I feel so betrayed. He was supposed to be different.
Connor was the man who would never do this to me, and yet he is.
“I didn’t plan this, Ellie. I had every intention of telling you! Hell, I tried when you got here!”
“Don’t you dare put this on me! You had plenty of opportunity, but you didn’t.”
He grips the side of his head before his shoulders slump. “I’m not putting any blame on you. I should’ve told you, you’re right.”
“Then why didn’t you?”
He watches me, his breaths coming in short bursts and then he looks to the ceiling. “Because I didn’t want to say it. I didn’t want to ever say the words, least of all to you. Maybe I’m a bastard, but I need you. The idea of hurting you was fucking killing me, but you deserved to know more than I wanted to protect myself.”
“There’s no maybe about your being a bastard, Connor. You lied to me. You used me, and you used the fact that I love you to gain what you wanted.”
I’m such a fool. Always the damn fool with her hand in the jar, hoping to find a cookie and then getting bit by something.
That’s what I am.
“I didn’t use you. I made love to you because I knew this would be all I got. I knew that, once I told you the truth, you’d leave me, and I love you more than anything in the world.”
I shake my head, tears falling as I stare at the man I no longer know. “Love? Love doesn’t take. Love doesn’t rob someone of choice. Love gives, and love cares. You took something from me, not just that night, but right now.”
His eyes are filled wi
th regret and sadness as I tear through him. “I fell in love with you not knowing who you were. I have lived with the guilt of what happened for eight years. I didn’t know, Ellie. Hurting you goes against every fiber in my being. I would take a bullet, cut my arm off, or anything to avoid it.”
He may think that’s what he means, but I don’t believe him. He shot the bullet, right through my fucking heart. “Go back to where you say you didn’t know. When didn’t you know?”
Connor licks his lips and then closes his eyes. “Ever since the day I met you . . .”
“When we met at the bar where my parents were last,” I say with new knowledge dawning on me. “I want to know everything. I want you to tell me every detail on how it happened.” He . . . he knows what happened, knows how broken I’ve been because of it, and he never told me. “After their car flipped and they were left for dead, what happened then?”
Connor swallows, his Adam’s apple bobbing before he speaks. “We pulled over immediately, and Declan and I jumped out to help your parents while Jake and Sean went after my father, who kept driving as though it didn’t happen. We tried to help them, but . . . they were . . .”
“The coroner told me that they died instantly.” My voice sounds detached.
“When I got to their car, they weren’t breathing.”
It’s as they said. “So, you didn’t . . . try? You just ran and left them?”
“I’m not proud of what we did. You know me, Ellie.” Connor takes a step closer, but I retreat. He cannot touch me. I will lose it, and I’m barely holding on. “I’m not a monster. I was a fucking wreck, and it took my three brothers to literally pull me into the truck. I wanted to go to the cops, but we were fucking kids. We didn’t know what to do or what any of it meant. We had a plan to get him home, call the cops, and have him arrested.”
I shake my head in disgust. “Then why didn’t you?”
None of these answers do anything to quell the storm inside me. All I can focus on is that the man I love was somewhat responsible for my parents’ deaths. This entire time, I’ve thought about how much they’d love him. I hoped they’d be proud of the man I found and grew to love. How could they ever feel that way now?
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