Unhidden

by Robert Kandell

  Deliberate Touch

  Before I started my personal development work, I was never trained to touch a woman deliberately. I had learned how to interact in bed via the movies I watched and my infrequent experiences with equally inexperienced girls in high school. By the time I hit college, I was doing everything I could to learn how to please a woman. In my first sensuality courses, I learned something very important from my teachers. They said, “Stop thinking about how to have her feel good. Instead, have your hand feel good.”

  This was revolutionary for me. I had spent my entire life trying to figure out what felt good to my partners and not using this incredible piece of sensitive equipment called my hand. I used my brain and its strategy, rather than my body, to try to figure out what was next. My teachers suggested touching a woman as though petting a cat. If you feel pleasure from your motions, then odds are your partner is feeling the same amount of pleasure. I quickly validated this viewpoint and had my first lesson in deliberate touch.

  The second lesson was to pay significantly more attention to her rather than worrying about how I was doing. Instead of using my cortex to understand how things were going, I learned to use the sensing part of my brain called the limbic system. In their epic book A General Theory of Love, Lewis, Amini, and Lannon describe the purpose of the limbic brain as “to monitor the external world and internal bodily environment and to orchestrate their congruence.” I tune into my sensation of how each moment is going to inform my next action. Women complain to me that men don’t know the effect of their touch. In a sexual situation, you might paw, grope, pinch, or squeeze, thinking it will turn a woman on. It might or may not. However, if you are paying attention only to your ego, you won’t notice her.

  My third new practice was asking specific questions. If you ask at all, you may tend to ask general questions like “Does that feel good to you?” The effect of this type of question is that it takes the woman out of her feeling state and into her cortex. She then has to consider how well you’ll receive her feedback and then make a judgment call on how honest to be. I was taught that a more specific question is better:

  Would you like a lighter touch?

  Would you like me to move higher?

  Would you like a faster touch?

  This is a simple yes or no question women can answer without spending too much energy thinking about it or worrying about your ego.

  By asking questions and showing willingness, you get the extra bonus of making it safe for a woman to make requests of you. I would highly encourage you to create this space in and out of the bedroom. Let her know you’re totally willing to take in her feedback and change on a moment’s notice. Explain that you know her desire will morph and evolve and you’re willing to go along on her ride for her optimal pleasure.

  The fourth lesson was to slow down. In fact, the true lesson was actually “SLOW the f$&k down!!” You tend to go much faster in touch and sexuality than a woman wants, especially as the sensation increases for you. There is a scarcity viewpoint that, if you do not take what you want as quickly as possible, she might change her mind and remove the opportunity for sex. I would recommend the opposite. Enjoying each moment as a complete and utter experience, move at the speed of sensation and do not rush towards an imaginary goal. Play with deliberate slow touch, increase her desire, and see how much sensation you can create with her. While women tend to play defense, if you create a space where she can feel free, you will invite out a whole new level of sexual expression for both of you.

  I also recommend listening to the subtle inner voice you have around the touch. We do have the ability to read each other’s desire and energies, but only if you’re willing to listen to your own instincts. If you have a question about what that voice is telling you, then ask. In my world, any information around a woman’s desire is good information, even if my guess was off the mark.

  Men are Dumb, Women are Angry

  In October 2017, I wrote an article in response to the #MeToo revolution. You can find this article in the FURTHER SUPPORT section at the end of the book. In the article, I dove underneath the surface of men’s behaviors and spoke about their fear of rejection, their inability to touch their desire, their repressed anger, and the lack of safe spaces to explore these dark emotions. It was reviewed by a professional woman editor who brought her experiences to the piece. While I received mostly positive feedback, I was also flamed by a large number of women readers. They were incensed that I had the nerve to speak my views about the cause of men’s poor behavior. After several confusing days of interacting with these charged Facebook comments, I realized an important truth: women had finally received permission to speak about their anger and didn’t want to share the stage with men. They wanted—actually, demanded—that women, the victims of men, be given their time to speak. With all the grace I could muster, I bowed to those I was debating and ended those heated discussions, accepting that there was no place for my viewpoints at that time.

  This experience validated my viewpoint that we are living in a society full of angry women and uneducated men. This flow chart illustrates the cycle I continually observe in relationships.

  In my view, this is how society trains us to relate around charged subjects. Unfortunately, it creates a downward spiral. I do believe the pattern can be reversed with a simple commitment from either party to stop this behavior.

  The man could say something like this: “I want to apologize, honey, for the times when you tried to tell me something in the past and I pushed you away. I see now how this affects you. I want you to feel safe to tell me the truth so we can be closer.”

  Or it the woman could use a statement like this to break the pattern: “Honey, I want to apologize for withholding my truth. I took the easy way out and didn’t put our relationship first. I want us to create a safe space where each of us can speak our truth so we can be closer.”

  Men who can offer the space for their partners to express their anger can deliberately diffuse any chasm that arises. I am not promising this will be easy or painless, but if you can create the container for a woman to tell you the truth, I guarantee you will avoid long drawn-out arguments. Take the time to create this space for her truth to be told and rewarded.

  Be an Adult

  The final way to pay quality attention to a woman is for you to be a solid, complete, and responsible man. This means for you to recognize and own your emotions. If your partner says something and you get triggered, acknowledge that this is happening, don’t blame her for your reaction, and be willing to go into your own feelings to figure out what is happening inside you. If you’re willing to do the work, she will feel cared for.

  For example, I have been seeing an amazing somatic therapist since 2014. Through our work, I’ve gone deep into many of my triggers around my emotions. Sometimes when I’m feeling charged with Morgan, I’ll go see him and work things out first. Then I’ll report to her what I’ve found. It makes things flow so much easier.

  There are times when she wants you to take the lead. Women like the concept of a man who can hold the masculine container so she can go along for the ride and have her feminine feel free. This doesn’t mean you have to dominate all experiences and be responsible for the details. Learn the skill of asking and knowing when she wants you to be in charge. Women also tend to like menu options, as illustrated in this example.

  You: Where do you want to go to dinner?

  Her: Um, I don’t know.

  You: Can you give me a genre of food? Asian? Burgers? Pizza? Salads?

  Her: Um Asian … oh … I know. I was thinking about pho yesterday.

  You: I heard about this new noodle place on Sepulveda. Do you want to try that?

  Her: Yes!

  Success! It’s akin to Hitch’s 90 percent of the way for the kiss. You are holding the container of the choice for the dinner and also getting her input. By asking for a direction, you are not passing the responsibility of picking the restaurant, but you’re including her
in the overall decision. The odds of her liking that restaurant have just increased significantly.

  Lastly, when you miscue, be willing to apologize. I am in a dynamic relationship with Morgan where the raw truth is told and we are both working to expand ourselves. Our desires do not always match up and my masculine enthusiasm has a tendency to run amuck at times. When I do miscue, I simply apologize and give the motivation behind my action.

  Me: I’m sorry that I made those plans without asking you. I can see where this would have you feel unconsidered and hurt your feelings. I was in a rush and didn’t stop to think.

  Her: Thank you for saying that.

  Result: Re-established connection.

  I’ve noticed that many couples have a belief that saying they are sorry is a sign of weakness. Men are taught no retreat, no surrender from their early days. However, admitting a misstep is actually a sign of power. It shows you’re willing to do the work to notice yourself and the impact your words or actions have on her. I would highly recommend learning this skill for deeper intimacy.

  17

  UNDERSTANDING DYNAMIC RELATIONSHIPS

  The Dynamic Nature of Relationships

  Motivational speaker Anthony Robbins teaches the concept of six basic needs each person wants:

  Certainty (comfort)

  Uncertainty (variety)

  Significance

  Love and connection

  Growth

  Contribution

  The first is your need for certainty. In order to feel secure, you need elements in your life that match your expectations. You need your car keys to be where you left them, your bank balance to be close to what you expect, and the local supermarket to carry the brand of gluten-free bread you enjoy. You need particular elements to satisfy your survival mechanism that runs constantly in the background of your brain. On the other hand, your second need is one of uncertainty or what is also called variety or novelty. Imagine if you were forced to eat the same meal three times a day for the rest of your life. While you would survive, your needs would not be met.

  In terms of your relationships, you are constantly in some form of antagonism between these first and second needs. You want to know your partner will do certain things that have you feel safe but you also want her to grow and morph to keep you entertained. If your sex was the same exact way every single time, you would stop craving it. However, when it goes outside your comfort zone without communication, you feel betrayed. Your capacity to hold and enjoy your partner’s evolution is one of your most important skills to develop. Generally, there are several common stages in most relationships. There is the initial meeting, the courting phase, the beginning of the relationship, the status quo phase, and then either a sustaining of this level, a decline, or, rarely, an increase in intimacy. People tend to get comfortable in their relationship and, in doing so, to allow the sensation of it to coast to a point of mediocrity.

  There is a subset of couples who actively work towards keeping their relationship dynamic. They are the adventurous types who read books, take workshops alone and together, travel to distant lands, and continue to work on themselves. Most people, however, set overt or covert rules on how far your partners can expand. You are constantly giving each other verbal and nonverbal cues on what is acceptable in your relationship. This creates a box around the other, which people will either live inside of or not. I recently coached a couple where the wife in a monogamous relationship had a sexual experience with another man. The husband felt deeply betrayed by the incident and their relationship had become rocky since the experience. He was consumed with anger and she was struggling with feelings of guilt. After letting him speak of his pain (so he could feel validated!), I asked him if he had noticed any changes in his wife around her desire in sex the last few years. He said she was doing a lot of self-work and was growing. I asked him if he was proud of this aspect of her and he replied that he was. I then asked if they ever discussed exploring less traditional agreements around monogamy. He said she had brought it up but he hadn’t felt comfortable with the topic so he had shut down the negotiations.

  Me: Then, she cheated?

  Him: Yes (bitterly).

  Me: And you felt blindsided by her infidelity?

  Him: Damn right I did!

  Me: Think back to when she was discussing her desire to be with other men. Do you think that she was trying to tell you something you didn’t necessarily want to hear?

  Him: Yeah …

  Me: So, instead of talking. She acted. It seems like the infidelity was a form of a more intense communication, right?

  Him: Yeah.

  In this situation, society says we can blame the wife for being the perpetrator and pity the husband who was the victim. However, from my perspective, they are both equally responsible for the infidelity. While I think there was certainly a better way for the wife to communicate that her sex life wasn’t going the way she wanted, nothing she had tried had worked to wake him up. He was awake now and she finally had his attention. He could have avoided the whole drama of being “cheated on” if he had truly listened and responded to her instead of shutting down.

  The optimal position for any person is to openly welcome and reward their partners for their growth. It is important—vital, perhaps—to keep a safe and constant dialogue for each person to express their desires and needs. While the physical occurrence of these desires can be negotiated, it is detrimental when we attempt to keep the other person small.

  I’ll put it another way in a more direct Tuff Love manner. Your partner is going to evolve. That evolution will either be in partnership with you or by themselves. Trust me, it’s more pleasurable for all involved if your partner can be honest with you about it.

  Permission for the Other Leads to Permission for Self

  I suspect there is a secret reason why you may not be creating space for your partners to evolve: If you give them permission to change, then you have to give the same to yourself. It is simple to point the finger at your intimate relationships rather than to recognize your own fear, laziness, or sedentary nature. You feel a desire arising inside, get scared, and then say to yourself you can’t do whatever it is because of the damage it may cause. I believe not going for what you want is the top destroyer of relationships. You are a dynamic being who is evolving. The man you are now is different from the boy at 10, the teen at 20, or the young man at 30. I know this to be true without ever talking to you. Have you avoided following your dreams? I know you make compromises in life to protect yourself, and that is a fine choice. But what are you hiding from your partners now instead of living unHIDDEN? What are the secret little thoughts and feelings that are too scary to express?

  I want to give you 100 percent permission to feel these thoughts and desires and to love them. I want you to be fully free in your thoughts and desires. I want you to be as big and dynamic as you want to be. I want you to live unHIDDEN. To do so, you need to stop blaming the other for your fear.

  18

  INTEGRITY

  Defining Your Integrity

  To become a powerful, authentic man in today’s society, a man must master two main practices: presence and integrity. Both these terms have become buzzwords.

  Integrity is a fascinating term because of its amorphous and customized definition. If you survey 100 people about what it means, I suspect you would get 100 different definitions, with some similarities.

  Men’s coach Dave McDermott defines integrity this way:

  Caring about the impact on others of the words I say and actions I take

  Following through on commitments I make (to both myself and others)

  Having alignment between what I say and what I do

  Being 100 percent honest, upfront, and transparent in all areas of my life

  If there’s a conflict between having something I want and living honestly, choosing the honest way

  While I like Dave’s model, I have a few caveats. The first is that I’m only 100 percent hones
t with people I want to be close to. If there is someone who I don’t have that desire with, I am not against lying or withholding the truth. I am also a player of what is called infinite games, which brings the concept of integrity to a strange additional level. I will attempt to clarify what I mean by this to provide context for how I live in complete integrity with who I am

  I was introduced to James Carse’s epic book, Finite and Infinite Games, at the start of my personal journey. Here is how he describes the main concept of the book: “There are at least two types of games. One could be called finite, the other infinite. A finite game is played for the purpose of winning, an infinite game for the purpose of continuing the play.”

  As I continued the expansion of my practice, I started to identify how I could live more and more as an infinite player. I started to notice how I enjoyed the concept of playing over the distinction of winning. For example, when I was part of corporate America, I loved playing racquetball. The combination of mathematical precision, physical challenge, and cameraderie had me loving every second of the game. Throughout graduate school and into my work career, I had the opportunity to play both excellent players who demolished me and lesser players against whom I would win more points than I would lose.