Emerge into Forever

by Andrea Michelle

  We spend the day sightseeing. Collin and Josh pay for us to do a land tour of the city, looking at the cemeteries and different plantations. I tell Josh that I want to come back at night and do a ghost tour, but not tonight since we made plans to go to a parade. We ride the streetcar uptown and to a local restaurant where we eat fried shrimp po-boys, then we go back to the hotel to get ready for the parade. We aren’t going back to New Orleans, but staying on this end of town.

  Em and I are getting ready in our room because Josh said he needed to shower and all of his stuff is in Collin’s room. Truthfully, I felt like it was a blow off to get away from me. All day he acted strange. I would reach for his hand and he would reluctantly take mine. I’d snuggle into his side and he would hesitate before relaxing into my embrace. At one point I felt like he shut down completely. I said, “I could grow to love this state,” and I meant it. But by the look of shock and horror on his face, I don’t think he wanted that for me. I enjoyed my day with him, but I hated the weirdness of it. I hate it so very much.

  I’m applying mascara while Emily showers. “Hey, do you think Josh was acting weird around me?” I holler to Em.

  She moves the curtain and pokes her head out. “Why? Are you doing this paranoid thing again?”

  I tell her no and explain what happened this morning before we all left. She rinses her hair, shuts the water off and climbs out. “Okay, well, maybe he’s just a little freaked out about it,” she says toweling off.

  I lean my hip into the counter. “I don’t want him freaked out to touch me, Em. I don’t really know what happened, but I want him, so this is an issue.”

  She slips on her underwear and puts oh her bra. “So, turn the tables.”

  “What?”

  She grins and slips on a light pink tank top and pulls on short overalls. She looks ever the cute cowgirl. “You take control next time. Straddle him. Tell him what you want and you be in control.”

  I laugh. “I would assume he wouldn’t deny me if I said I wanted to ride him, right?”

  She runs a brush through her auburn hair. “Exactly. Turn the tables.”

  I turn back to the mirror and repeat her. “Turn the tables.”

  I dress in cut off jean shorts over fishnet stockings with my white Nirvana tank top. My studded belt and combat boots. I look straight punk. I’m debating on wearing my hair down or up and decide to pull it up in a messy bun because it’s hot and humid outside. I put on the rest of my face and so does Emily. “Should I wear my collar?” I ask her while holding the spiked collar to my neck.

  She giggles. “You’re so weird,” she says. Before she says yes or no, the boys are knocking on our door. “Nice touch on the belt, though,” she tosses over her shoulder. I love this belt. The buckle says, FUCK. I never wear it when I’m at home because the four-letter word would give my momma a conniption.

  Josh comes walking in dressed in cargo shorts, a polo shirt and flip-flops. I almost laugh when I see Collin come in dressed in baggy jeans, combat boots and a Ramones t-shirt. Collin takes one look at me and pulls his tongue ring between his teeth. “Nice tank top,” he says.

  I smile, “Nice t-shirt.”

  Then he grabs Emily and kisses her. Josh looks me up and down with a heated gaze, but he doesn’t come over and kiss me like Collin did her.

  Internally, I’m thinking we look so weird together. Josh looks like he should be with Emily in her cute pink flip-flops and Collin looks like he should be with me in our punk attire. We’re misfits.

  Collin pulls Emily into the bedroom and Josh follows me into the bathroom.

  I hold up the collar in the mirror. “Do you think I should wear this, or is it too much?”

  He smiles when he see’s it. “You want to be collared?” he asks in that low voice that makes me squirm.

  He’s standing behind me, meeting my eyes in the mirror. I’m wet just from the memory of this view when I dreamed him up in my mind at my house. I have déjà vu. “I’d let you collar me.” I tell him half joking.

  His Adam’s apple bobs and he inhales a deep breath blowing it out near my neck. It causes me to shiver. I turn around and face him, inwardly gasping at his nearness. “I’m joking.” He doesn’t say anything. He grabs the collar from my hand and places it on the counter, so I take that as a, “No.”

  “Are we okay, Josh?” I ask fighting the urge to cry. Why am I suddenly a fucking faucet of tears? I hate that.

  He sighs and reaches his hand into my hair where he pulls my bun loose and then his hands are tangled in my hair as it falls in a curly mess around me. “Yes. I think we need to talk tonight, though. Last night was…intense and this morning was weird. Let’s just have a good time tonight. Okay?” He lowers his eyes to my belt buckle. “Love this belt, though.”

  I reach up on my tippy toes and lean in to kiss him. He tenses so I kiss his cheek instead of his lips. My heart hurts.

  The parade in Metairie was awesome. Although, I’m a newbie so I’m sure anything would be awesome. I caught panties and showed them to Josh. “I guess I have to model them now, right?” I asked, hoping he would be playful with me.

  He smirked but didn’t confirm that he wanted that.

  I have a grocery bag full of beads, cups and various other things. “What the hell is a moon pie?” I ask digging through my bag in the backseat of Collin’s car.

  “It’s a pie with like a marshmallow, or whipped cream or something in between them, I think?” Em tells me taking it out of my hand and looking at the wrapper.

  Collin snorts. “Gotta love a pie with some whipped cream, right?”

  I cough. “Oh, my God. You didn’t just say that?”

  We’re all laughing, but I look over to Josh who his phlegmatic. It’s frustrating because he would normally have had his own flirty comment or innuendo to toss out. Right now, though, he appears bored or just not interested. He’s dazing off into space. Somewhere else, somewhere I’m not.

  Maybe he’s changed his mind about not looking at me differently. Maybe he’s changed his mind about me.

  Back at the hotel we’re getting out of the car and I pull Josh aside. “Are you in my room tonight, or bunking with Collin?”

  He tilts his head to the side and looks at me like I’ve grown two heads. “I’m with you. What is that supposed to mean?”

  I pull my hair up and proceed to put it into a messy bun again. “I don’t know. It doesn’t seem like you’re with me. I’m sorry about this morning. Geez… Can you stop acting like I’ll crack if you touch me?”

  He runs his hand behind his neck furiously. “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize I was doing that, or that it was bothering you so much. I just…I don’t know. Can we talk about this in private?” he asks, glancing over my shoulder.

  The ride up in the elevator is quiet. Desire thick for Collin and Emily. Tension high for Josh and me.

  Once inside our room, I immediately peel off all of my clothes and run to hop in the shower. I feel sticky and gross and I don’t want to argue with him right now. Josh surprisingly climbs in after me. He grabs the body wash on the edge of the tub and lathers it up on my loofah. “I meant to ask you last night why you have my shower gel?”

  My body stills. “Um…well, after you left a few weeks ago I went out and bought it because, uh…I really like your scent on my skin,” I explain turning around under the water to face him.

  He’s looking thoughtfully into my eyes. I lift a shoulder as he begins washing me gently with the loofah. “I missed you and this scent made me feel like you were there with me.”

  He’s rubbing it against my stomach and now looking down into my eyes. “Rubbing my scent onto your body because you missed me, huh?”

  I nod as he pulls me closer to him causing me to gasp. “That’s hot. Did you imagine me touching you while you rubbed your body with my scent?” he asks, low and husky.

  “Yes,” I whisper.

  It’s like my confession sets a fire in him because he kisses me. Finally. He kisses m
e. His tongue doing an erotic dance with mine. I moan against him, our bodies slippery and wet. The heat from the water streaming down my back and the heat from his body pressed against my front have me feeling electrified. “Josh,” I whisper against his lips all needy and full of desire.

  He pulls away from me just enough to breathe. “I’m sorry I’ve been distant today. Let me clean you,” he says.

  I smile and taunt him. “Then, can we be dirty?” I ask in a flirty tone.

  His lips tug up in a soft grin. “Maybe.”

  I don’t push it, because I have a plan now. I have a plan about what worked for me when I wanted to feel him touch me and maybe if I show him I can be okay with that then he will want to try again. No more freak-outs. No more daydream nightmares.

  We’re sitting on the balcony of the hotel, talking and drinking root beer’s. Looking at the stars and all that they mean to us.

  “I didn’t mean to push you away. I’m sorry if it seemed like that. I was just thinking about stuff and my head was cloudy. That’s all,” he says.

  I’m twirling my promise ring around on my finger and digging for all of the right words to say in my mind. “Josh, I don’t want to keep going in this circle that we do. We do this dance and it never ends well for us. I know I freaked you out this morning and if I were honest with myself, it freaked me out, too. But…I don’t want it to become a wall or a stopping block. I want to be with you. Now and forever. Okay?”

  He nods, looking down at my hand. “Forever,” he whispers. He gives me a pointed look. “No more tug of war. No more assuming things about one another. We talk. We figure it out. We ask questions and then we deal with it together. We can do anything as long as we’re together. Deal?”

  “Deal,” I repeat.

  I start slapping at my legs. “They have a shit ton of bugs in Louisiana,” I gripe standing up, ready to go inside. “C’mon. I’m getting tired,” I lie.

  In the bathroom, we’re brushing our teeth, taking turns spitting in the sink. Josh starts humming a song, then twirling me around, making me giggle. He pulls me into his chest and we dance. “You hear it? The music?” he asks, moving slowly with me.

  I place my cheek on his heart. “Yeah, I hear it.”

  We slow dance to our own music for a while.

  Now, we’re lying in the bed unsure of what to do. Since when is sex awkward for us? I turn on my side and look at him, tracing his jaw with my fingers. “I have an idea. Just hear me out, okay?”

  He takes my fingers in his hand, interlacing them above us then bringing them to his lips. “Shoot.”

  “So, I kind of had a fantasy about you a while back and um, I…well, in my fantasy you were real and you sort of…taught me how to… Damn, this is hard to do.”

  He grins with that knowing look. “O’kay,” he drawls. “So, you fantasized about me. That’s hot. And I taught you to do what, pretty girl?”

  I sigh and roll onto my back. “You taught me how to touch myself.” I throw my hands over my face and cringe.

  He sits up and peels my fingers off of my face. “No way. You masturbated to me?” I nod. “Damn, now that’s hot.”

  I curl up on my side hiding my face. He scoots down and mirrors me. “Stop being embarrassed. I love that. You thought of me and wanted me and I wasn’t there so you rubbed one out.”

  I slap his chest and push him away half-heartedly. “Quit, you make it sound so crude. It wasn’t like that.”

  He apologizes and snuggles closer to me. “Okay, so how was it?”

  I tell him how I went into my room, how memories took me somewhere else and how he showed me what to do. He’s grinning and smirking and pissing me off because now he knows I did that. It embarrasses me, but I needed to explain so I can implement my plan.

  “This idea of yours, does it involve making this fantasy a reality, baby?” he asks.

  “No, Josh. But it does involve us talking and guiding one another,” I explain.

  “I’m confused,” he says.

  I push him onto his back and straddle him. “Mmm…I like this idea,” he says.

  Me too.

  “Close your eyes and picture this.” He grins, but does as I ask. “We’re completely alone—just you and me. I’m dressed in a matching bra and panty set. Any you like. You want me. You want me bad.”

  He hardens right underneath me. “You’re reluctant to touch me because you’re scared you’ll hurt me, but you won’t. I climb on the bed with you—ready and willing to do anything you want. What do you do with me?” I ask low in his ear.

  One of his hands is on my hips gripping me while the other makes lazy circles on my back. It’s intoxicating. His eyes are shut, his breathing shallow and it’s taking every ounce not to kiss him right now.

  “I kiss you,” he says.

  He wants the same thing. Great, we’re on the same page.

  “What kind of kiss? Is it slow and sweet, or is it desperate and greedy?”

  “Mmm…It’s both. It’s starts out slow and then I can’t get enough of you and I need more, so much more, so it grows to be an impatient kiss.” His lazy circles become more like roaming of my skin.

  I glide my hands along the ridges of his muscles on his stomach and his breath hitches. “I love the way you kiss me, Josh. How I can still taste you in my mouth when our mouths disconnect. I love the way you kiss my neck and behind my ear. How your mouth travels down to my breasts and to my stomach. Then how you taste me. Do I taste good, Josh?”

  “Oh, my God. You taste so good, baby.” He’s moving his hand across my stomach and up to my breast. I’m trying to reign in how turned on I am.

  “Keep your eyes shut,” I tell him when he tries to open them and pull me to him. “You’re going down on me now, but that’s not how you want to get me off.”

  “It’s not?” he asks.

  “No, it’s not. You want to be inside me. It’s been so long and you miss it. You do miss it, right? How we move so perfectly together, like we were meant to be connected?”

  “Yes, fuck. I miss it so much.”

  “You climb up my body and my hands are in your hair as I pull you in for a kiss. We kiss so intimately, so passionately that we’re both out of breath. You touch me for the first time in a long time with your hands, readying me with your fingers. It feels so good, the way you touch me. You make me see stars and believe in magic. But you touch the spot that makes me go crazy and I try to move your hand away because I don’t want to come yet. I want to come with you, but you want me this way. Frustrated, hot and needy. You take my hands and you pin them above my head.” I feel him tense, so I begin gently touching his chest, his neck and his jaw. “I’m not scared, Josh. I’m not nervous at all. I’m more turned on than I have ever been in my life because it’s your fingers; it’s your mouth. It’s you. The guy I love more than anything in this world. The guy I want to make love to every day for the rest of my life. You know I need you and you know I want you, so you give me what I need and what I want. You make love to me gently because it’s been a while. We find a rhythm, a beautiful, sweet rhythm. And it’s perfect. It’s perfect because we’re together.”

  He flutters open his eyes when he feels my tears drip onto his cheeks. “I love you, Josh. I love you and I want you to make love to me. I want you to hold me how you always did, not with caution and fear. I don’t know what happened this morning. I honestly don’t. But I promise you right now in this moment this is you and I. I love how you grab my wrists, or pull my hair. I love when you make me frustrated and hot and how you can be rough when you want me. I do, Josh. Please, don’t look at me differently and touch me differently. I need you. You the way you always were, okay?”

  His thumbs are wiping the tears out from under my eyes. “That scared me this morning. I sent you back to that dark place. And it scared me. I don’t want to push you. I don’t want to hurt you or make you scared.”

  I kiss his mouth, his neck and his cheeks. “I’m not scared. You won’t hurt me. I’m h
ere…with you. I need you. Please, Josh. Please, love me.”

  He grabs my cheeks painfully and with one swift move I’m on my back. He kisses me. Just like he said, sweet and then impatient. “I do love you. I love you so fucking much it hurts me sometimes,” he says between kisses.

  Clothes are being pulled off and we’re naked in seconds. Hands are everywhere, touching, feeling and memorizing everything about the other. “God, I’ve missed this,” I say tangling my hands in his hair and wrapping my legs around him. His thigh is in between my legs and I’m practically humping it, moaning and whimpering.

  “Me, too. I’ve missed you so much.” He kisses my neck, licking, and nibbling. He moves to my breast, sucking a nipple into his mouth while his hand kneads the other. I’m coming undone quickly. I need more. So much more. I will never get enough.

  I reach my hand down to touch myself because I can’t stand it any longer. And he stills, watching me. “That’s hot,” he says, but then he takes my hand and reluctantly puts it in his other hand, where he grips my wrist and holds it there next to my cheek. He moves his hand in between my legs and gives me what I need. Touches that only he can give me. Such sweet touches.

  “Mmm…” I say, rubbing myself against his palm. I need more. I’m so greedy and impatient. It’s been too long. I’m wriggling and trying to get free but he just keeps up his onslaught of my senses down there. Inserting two fingers, massaging my clit with his thumb until I’m shamelessly fucking his hand and moaning his name.

  My first orgasm has me feeling buzzed.

  “Are you still on the pill?” he asks.

  I nod and push him onto his back. ‘Turn the tables and take control.’

  Done.

  I straddle him and line us up, sliding down into my beautiful heaven full of stars and love. “Oh,” I moan.