Without You

by Kelly Elliott

  Banjo rested his head on my shoulder, causing me to giggle.

  “Boy, do you realize how big you are?” I turned and started getting his saddle ready for a ride.

  Once I was up and on him, we slowly made our way outside the barn. We walked along the trail for a good two miles before I stopped in an open field. I jumped down, and I just let him graze for a while. I walked over to a fallen tree, sat down on it, and closed my eyes.

  “Will…”

  I wasn’t sure how long I’d been sitting there, thinking about Will and all the times we had been together. I thought about the first time I’d known I wanted to kiss him, the first time I’d known I loved him, and the first time he’d held me in his arms, making me feel so safe.

  Now, all I feel is emptiness.

  Banjo made a noise, and I opened my eyes to see my mother.

  I smiled at her and stood up. “How did you find me?”

  She laughed. “Mary Lou here has a thing for Banjo. I just told her to find him, and she did.”

  I smiled bigger and started walking toward her when I felt something stinging me on the ass. “Ouch! Oh, holy hell! Motherfucking son of a bitch!”

  “Alexandra Eryn Mathews!”

  “Mom! Something is stinging me!” I turned around and tried to look at my behind.

  I was just about to run my hand across my ass when my mother screamed.

  “Oh God! Don’t put your hand back there. Oh shit…oh…I might actually faint!”

  “What? Mother! What in the hell is it?”

  “Take off your pants. Oh my! Now, Alex!”

  I stripped out of my boots and began taking off my riding pants. “Ouch. Fucker! Oh…oh!” I screamed over and over as I pulled my pants down.

  My mother began stomping on something. “Get away, and watch where you step! Put your boots back on.”

  I grabbed my boots and ran over to Banjo. My ass and the top of my leg were stinging like a bitch. I looked back at my mother, who was screaming like a mad person while stomping on something. I walked over and saw a scorpion that was dead on the ground from her stomping on it. I instantly felt sick to my stomach. Then, I saw another one.

  “Mom, how many were on me?”

  She turned and looked at me. “ Three,” she whispered.

  Three? Did she say three?

  I swallowed hard and looked over at the log I had been sitting on. Scorpions were all over it.

  “Mom…Mom…I’m gonna throw up. I’m gonna faint.”

  “Okay, well, which one are you going to do, so I can prepare myself?”

  I had to turn away. The sight of all those scorpions was making it worse.

  “Throw up!” I shouted.

  She ran over and grabbed my hair. “Go for it, baby.”

  “No, I’m dizzy. I’m gonna faint.”

  “Okay, I’m ready.” She positioned herself in front of me and dug her feet in as she held out her hands.

  I heard someone riding up on a horse, and I looked up to see Colt and Luke.

  Colt looked down at my bare legs and said, “What in the hell?”

  That was when I knew for sure what I was going to do next. I looked at my mom and went to tell her to move, but instead, I threw up all over her.

  “Gross! That was nasty!” Colt shouted.

  Luke jumped off his horse and started throwing up.

  Colt started laughing as he pointed at Luke.

  “Mom…oh, Mom, I didn’t mean—”

  My mother held up her hand for me to stop talking. “Colt, give me your T-shirt.”

  Colt jumped off his horse and ripped his shirt off before handing it to her. She began cleaning off the puke. Luke turned and looked, and then he turned back around and started throwing up again.

  “Colt, get your sister back right away. She’s been stung a few times by scorpions.”

  Colt looked at me and then over to my pants. That was when he must have seen the log.

  “Holy crap. Did you sit on that, Alex?” He turned back to me. “Um, Mom? Alex doesn’t look so good.”

  “Get her home, Colt.”

  Colt picked me up, and I started having trouble breathing.

  “Luke, text Gunner and let him know that Alex has been stung by scorpions. Hurry!”

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  I was starting to feel really bad as Colt handed me to Luke, so he could jump up on his horse. Luke lifted me up to Colt, and Colt took me and placed me in front of him. He took off toward the house in a full-on run.

  “Hang on, Alex. Please, just hang on. I’ll get you home. Dad will fix it.”

  I started to close my eyes, so I could focus on pulling in air.

  In that moment, I remembered that I was allergic to scorpions.

  “Daddy…hurts. It hurts…can’t breathe.” I was gasping for air, and I knew it was more my nerves than anything. I could feel tingling in my ass and leg, but the pain was unreal.

  I watched as my father pulled out an EpiPen, and he gave me a shot. Grams was on the phone with the doctor, and I could hear her talking.

  “Yes, I remember. She was sixteen. Yes, he just gave her the shot. Okay. Will do, Doctor. Of course. Thank you.”

  “What did he say, Emma?” my mother asked as she stood there, watching me closely.

  Grams looked at me and smiled. “Watch her closely and the shot should work here pretty quick. Keep her calm, and that will help her breathing return to normal.”

  Everyone stood there and stared at me for a few minutes. I wanted to laugh, but then I caught a glimpse of my mother’s shirt.

  “Mom…” I whispered.

  “Yes, baby. I’m here.”

  “Please go shower. That is so gross, knowing my puke is on you.”

  Luke made a gagging noise. “Oh God!” He quickly ran by and went into the bathroom.

  Colt busted out laughing, and so did my dad.

  Daddy turned to my mother. “Ells, baby, go take a shower. She’s already breathing better. Grams, will you get some ice? It looks like she’s been stung three times, and that’s it.”

  I looked at my father. “That’s it? Like three times wasn’t enough?”

  “I know, baby. Let’s get you some ibuprofen, and I think once you lie down for a bit, you’ll feel better.”

  I nodded my head and glanced over to Colt. He had been so worried, but now, the little bastard was laughing his ass off.

  “Colt, get out of here, you ass!” I barely shouted.

  He held up his hands and made his way into the kitchen.

  An hour later, after my parents had made sure I wasn’t going to stop breathing, I made my way upstairs to my room with my mom following behind me.

  Some Christmas this is turning out to be.

  “Don’t let me sleep for long. I want to be up when everyone starts getting here,” I said.

  My mother helped me get comfortable enough to rest, and then she put the ice under my ass and leg.

  I shook my head. “I can’t believe it. My ass. Why my ass?”

  My mother giggled, but then she quickly stopped when I shot her a dirty look.

  “I’ll wake you up in a bit, Alex. Just rest.”

  As I lay there in bed, I tried to relax, but all I could think of was the pain. I was almost positive the pain in my heart outweighed the pain in my ass. I giggled at my thoughts. I closed my eyes and pictured Will. I made myself believe that when I woke up, he would be here just in time for Christmas. I opened my eyes and felt my tears running down my face.

  Worst. Christmas. Ever.

  I opened my eyes and stretched at the same time. I reached behind me and felt the cold bag of water. I pulled it away and sat up. At least my ass wasn’t in so much pain. I stood up and walked to the mirror. My face looked normal, except for the dried streaks on my cheeks from where I’d cried myself to sleep. I walked into my bathroom and splashed my face with water.

  That was when I heard Libby yell out something.

  I walked back into my room and looke
d at the clock on my nightstand next to my bed.

  “Damn it, Mom! I didn’t want to miss everyone getting here,” I said to myself.

  I started making my way down the steps, and I could hear everyone going on and on about something. I rounded the landing, and Grace was about to start running up the stairs.

  “Hey, Merry Christmas,” I said with a smile.

  Her smile grew bigger on her face as she looked at me. Then, she looked into the living room, and I followed her eyes. That was when I saw him. Heather was hugging him while Libby stood next to him. He was smiling. When he looked up, our eyes met, and his smile faded.

  “Will?” I whispered.

  He smiled slightly and looked back down at his mother when she pulled away.

  “You’re so lucky you came home, young man. Do you have any idea how much I’ve missed you?”

  Will chuckled as his dad gave him a quick hug. Everyone else stood up and hugged him or shook his hand.

  My father was last. “You missed all the action earlier, Will. Alex was stung three times by some scorpions.”

  Will’s head snapped around, and he looked at me. “Are you okay?”

  I smiled and nodded my head. “Yes,” I barely said above a whisper.

  My mother looked between Will and me. She slapped her hands together and said, “It’s time to eat now that Alex is up and moving around. Shall we all head into the dining room?”

  I started to make my way down the stairs and over to Will. He looked like he wanted to turn and walk away, but he didn’t.

  I stopped right in front of him and smiled. “Hi,” I whispered.

  He smiled back as his eyes moved everywhere on my face. “Are you okay, Lex?”

  The moment he called me Lex, I felt like I could breathe again. “I am now.”

  He closed his eyes and then opened them to look me in the eyes. He went to say something, but my mother called for us.

  “Alex, Will, dinner is being served.”

  I looked into the dining room and then quickly back at Will. “Can we talk later?”

  He nodded his head and reached his hand around me. He placed it on the small of my back. My heart started racing as he led me into our dining room. He walked me up to my chair and pulled it out for me. This wasn’t anything new. Will did it all the time, and so did Luke and Colt. Our fathers had raised them to be gentlemen, and that they were.

  Everyone laughed and talked during dinner. Maegan talked about how much she loved Baylor. Grace whispered to me that Maegan loved it so much because she had a new fleet of men to sleep with. I wasn’t so sure Maegan was as sexually active as she’d claimed to be. Libby talked about loving A&M, and Grace talked about hating UT. Luke didn’t speak much at all. Something was going on with him, and I was bound and determined to find out what in the hell was bothering him. I did notice that every time Libby wasn’t looking, Luke was staring at her.

  I glanced over to Will, who was talking to his father. I watched his mouth move, the way he talked with his hands, and how he chewed his food. I smiled when he laughed after someone had said something funny. I was feeling so guilty that he hadn’t come home until now, and I feared his parents resented me because of it.

  My mother leaned over and whispered, “Alex, you’re staring at Will, sweetheart.”

  I nodded my head. “I’ve missed him.”

  “I know, but you’re really staring.”

  I giggled and looked at her. “We can blame it on the scorpions.”

  She let out a small laugh and shook her head. I peeked over to my daddy.

  He mouthed to me, Talk to him.

  I will, I mouthed back.

  I glanced around the huge table.

  Daddy and Uncle Jeff had put together two huge tables, so everyone would be able to sit together. When we were younger, all of us kids had sat at the kids’ table. That had been until Will and Libby started having food fights and getting the rest of us in trouble.

  I turned back to look at Will. Now, he was staring at me. We both smiled, and the butterflies in my stomach began to fly around.

  I love him. I will always love him.

  In that moment, it hit me harder than anything ever had before. I needed to let him know how I felt. I wasn’t going to let this evening end without telling him.

  Luke, Colt, and I all carried the extra table down to the barn and up to the loft.

  I looked around and smiled when I saw the bed. “You think your parents still sneak out here, Colt?”

  Colt made a disgusted face, but then he smiled slightly and shook his head. “Yeah, I’m sure they do. I want a love like that someday.”

  Luke and I both let out a long breath and looked at each other.

  Luke busted out laughing and said, “Damn girls.”

  “Hell, you got that right,” Colt said. “They drive you crazy. They don’t tell you what’s really on their minds, and when they do, they don’t give you any damn warning.”

  I shook my head. “What’s going on with you and Lauren?”

  Colt grunted. “After she blew me off that night, I ended up getting back together with Rachel, who I can barely stand. Now, Lauren is pissed at me because I’m dating Rachel.” He shook his head. “Makes me just want to give up on women altogether.”

  “No! Don’t ever talk that way, dude. A man needs a vagina to function.” Luke sat down in a chair and leaned back, balancing it on the back legs.

  I looked at him. “Really? You just said that?”

  “Hey, I could have said pussy, but I kept it clean. It’s true though. A man does need pussy to survive in this world.”

  Colt started laughing. “Damn, Luke. What is wrong with you?”

  Luke held up his hands and laughed. “Keeping it real. Just keeping it real.”

  “That’s why he has his fuck buddy. No strings. Just a fun way to survive in this world. Isn’t that right, Luke?”

  I closed my eyes when I heard Libby’s voice. Shit.

  I turned and looked at Libby, Grace, Lauren, Taylor, and Lex all standing there.

  “What?” Luke lost his balance on the chair and dropped backward to the floor.

  Libby smiled and shook her head. “I’m heading out for a while to meet someone. I don’t have my car. Can I borrow your truck, Will?”

  “Uh…”

  Luke jumped up. “You’re going out? On Christmas night? Where in the hell are you going?”

  Libby glared at Luke. “Jason’s in town, and he asked if I wanted to meet him for dessert.”

  Luke laughed. “What kind of dessert, Lib?”

  “Watch it, Luke,” I said through gritted teeth.

  “The kind you’ll never get from me, Luke.”

  I snapped my head over and looked at Libby. She walked up to me and held her hand out for my truck keys.

  “Wait. What did you just say?” I asked.

  “Can I borrow your truck or not, Will?”

  I looked at Lex and then back at Libby. I reached in, pulled out my truck keys, and handed them to her. I watched her walk away, and then I glanced at Luke. His hands were balled into fists.

  Lauren walked up and waited a few seconds. “She isn’t going to meet anyone. You pissed her off with your comment, Luke.”

  “How long were y’all in here?” Colt asked.

  Lauren smiled and sat down. “Long enough.”

  I rolled my eyes. I’m so tired of games.

  I glanced over to Lex, who was standing at the edge of the stairs. She gave me a look and then headed back down. I quickly followed.

  She stopped at Banjo’s stall and smiled at me. “You feel like a nighttime ride? It’s still pretty warm out.”

  I grinned and nodded my head. “Sure. You want me to saddle up two horses?”

  She shook her head. “Nah, I’ve been riding Banjo bareback. Do you mind riding him with me?”

  My heart slammed against my chest at the thought of being so close to her. “That sounds good to me,” I said as my voice cracked.
<
br />   Lex attached the reins to Banjo’s bridle and led him out of the barn. She looked over her shoulder at me. “Can you help me up?”

  I knew damn well she could get up on him by herself, but I played along. The moment my hands touched her body, I felt it. It was the same sensation that always ran through my body whenever I touched her.

  She adjusted herself and winked at me. I grabbed her hand and jumped up behind her. Banjo was a big paint horse—sixteen hands and built like a machine. I’d never seen a horse love a person as much as Banjo loved Lex.

  She rode out of the barn and down the trail leading to the river. We rode along in silence. I took in every single detail of her—her smell, what she was wearing, how her hair was pulled up, the way she rode her horse in perfect form. I loved everything about her, and I always would.

  Lex brought Banjo to a stop and stared out over the river. “I love it here so much.”

  I followed her gaze. “Yeah, so do I.”

  I slid off the side of Banjo and helped Lex down. Having her in my arms was bringing out so many emotions.

  “I’d ask if you wanted to sit down on a log, but—”

  She hit the side of my arm and smiled. “Colt or Luke?”

  I laughed. “Both filled me in. I’m so sorry, baby, um…Lex.”

  She closed her eyes, and when she opened them, her tears about dropped me to my knees.

  “I’ve never been confused about my love for you, Will—not once. I won’t stand here and make excuses because I know my actions hurt you, but you have to believe me when I say nothing, absolutely nothing, happened between Blake and me. Would I change things if I could go back? Yes…and no.”

  I tilted my head and looked at her.

  “I learned something through all of this. I need to start thinking for myself. I need to stop listening to my father’s voice in my head and start listening to my own voice. And us being apart helped me find that voice within. The last few weeks have been hell, but the time apart has opened my eyes as well.”

  I swallowed hard. She’s moving on without me.

  “I’m glad you found yourself, Lex. I’m really happy for you.” I turned and started walking toward the river. My heart felt like it had just been ripped from my chest and stomped on.