The Sweetest Secret

by Jacquie Underdown

  ‘Sounds like fun,’ Mitch said, eyes bright.

  Olivia grinned. ‘I like flowers.’

  ‘That’s good. Because so does your dad. In fact, he loves them.’

  Hearing Mitch say ‘your dad’ made Sam dizzy. He was not used to it. He didn’t feel like a dad. Would he ever?

  ‘I love them too,’ Olivia said.

  ‘Come on,’ Sam said. ‘We better get cleaned up before we have some lunch.’

  Back inside, Sam helped Olivia wash her hands and face. He would need to make a small step for the bathroom, so she could reach the vanity easier and see herself in the mirror.

  He helped her choose another outfit, then left her to get dressed on her own while he waited in the hall. But she came out of the room with her pants unbuttoned.

  ‘The button is too hard,’ she said with a frown.

  He smiled. ‘Yeah, I remember buttons being hard when I had little fingers.’ He crouched in front of her and started on the button.

  ‘Your fingers aren’t little now that you’re big,’ she said.

  With a chuckle, he finished buttoning her pants. ‘No. Not small at all anymore.’

  Olivia lifted her shirt up so she could see the button, her little pale belly exposed. ‘Thank you.’

  He winked. ‘No worries.’

  She went and sat on the mat with Sophie in the living room.

  ‘I forgot about lunch today,’ Sam said to Mitch. ‘I actually lost track of time, so I’ve nothing prepared yet.’

  ‘That’s all right, mate. You get stuck in, I’ll watch these two.’

  Sam filled a pot with water, put it on the stove to boil, then grabbed onions and bacon and chopped them into small pieces. A few years back he remembered seeing something Jerry Seinfeld’s wife was doing where she would hide vegetables in food.

  He didn’t usually put vegetables, other than a tin of tomatoes, into his spaghetti bolognaise recipe, but with Olivia here, he was going to have to start thinking about nutrition. He got a carrot out and grated it up. Frozen spinach was in the freezer. He grabbed that out too.

  Did Olivia even like spaghetti bolognaise? He knew what his mother would say: Olivia is to eat what she is given. And if she doesn’t like it, then she goes hungry. But that’s easy enough to say when raising three enormous, hungry boys. A fine-boned girl might be a different story.

  Did six-year-olds eat onion?

  He went out to the living room to ask but stopped when he found Olivia and Mitch in mid-conversation.

  ‘Who is Sophie’s mum?’ Olivia was asking.

  Mitch put on that face he always reserved for conversations about Rachel, kind of like a mask of impartiality, which didn’t hide the force of emotion that sat just below his skin. ‘Her mother died when she was a little baby.’

  Olivia nodded sadly. ‘My mum died too.’ She went to Sophie and kissed her on the cheek. ‘It’s okay, Sophie. You don’t have to be sad.’

  Sophie put her hand on Olivia’s face. ‘Dat.’

  Olivia grinned. ‘No. My name is Livvy.’

  ‘Dat.’

  Olivia laughed, pointed to her chest. ‘Livvy.’

  Sophie giggled, which made Olivia laugh again. ‘Dat.’

  Olivia gut-laughed. ‘Livvy.’

  ‘Dat,’ said Sophie then burst into laughter.

  Sam chuckled watching. Mitch laughed too. Children’s laughter was unbelievably contagious.

  He didn’t want to interrupt this happiness, so he went back to the kitchen and continued cooking. Perhaps if he just didn’t mention the onion, she might not even realise it was in the sauce.

  Tom and Amy arrived a little later.

  Sam left the sauce bubbling on the stove while he went to make the introductions. Amy had brought a big colourful rainbow cake with a unicorn on top. The unicorn had a long golden horn. Its mane was Persian fairy floss.

  Sam watched Olivia follow the cake with wide eyes as Amy carried it through to the dinner table.

  Score with the unicorn.

  Amy placed it on the kitchen table, then joined them again in the living room awaiting introductions. Smiles filled their faces.

  ‘Olivia, this is my brother Tom. And his fiancée Amy.’

  ‘Hello,’ Olivia said.

  ‘Do you like unicorns, Olivia?’

  Her eyes brightened as she nodded.

  ‘Come have a look at this,’ Amy said waving her over. They went to the dining table. Olivia pulled a chair out and climbed on it, kneeling to get a better look, elbows on the table top.

  Olivia’s lips parted as she said ‘wow’ with a breathy whisper. ‘It’s beautiful.’

  ‘I made it for you. To welcome you to our family.’

  When Olivia looked up at Amy, her eyes were wide, her smile so big.

  Tom came over and ruffled her hair. ‘We’re really happy to meet you.’

  ‘I love unicorns.’

  ‘Me too,’ said Amy.

  ‘Tom, can you make drinks for everyone please? I’m a bit behind with lunch,’ Sam asked.

  ‘No worries. What does everyone want?’

  Sam headed back to the kitchen.

  Tom joined him soon enough and sighed as he gathered glasses from the cupboard. ‘Poor little girl. I can’t even imagine how tough this must be for her.’

  ‘But she seems as though she’s happy, right?’

  ‘Yeah. She seems fairly resilient.’

  ‘And you think she’s definitely mine?’

  Tom looked at him as though he had two heads and placed the glasses on the bench. ‘Without a doubt. She’s like a mini-me version of you. Except cute, of course,’ he said with a laugh.

  Sam smiled.

  ‘It’s bloody weird. I’m still in shock that this is even real.’

  ‘You and me both,’ Sam agreed.

  ‘No Ellie today?’ Tom asked.

  Sam shook his head.

  Tom winced. ‘Didn’t she take it well?’

  ‘I … I haven’t told her yet.’

  ‘Are you worried about how she’ll react?’

  He shook his head again.

  ‘Then what?’

  Sam slammed the knife down, pressed his hands to the bench and closed his eyes for a moment. ‘I can’t do both, Tom.’

  Tom’s brow furrowed. ‘Both?’

  ‘A relationship with Ellie and be a father to a six-year-old daughter I met today. It’s too much.’

  ‘So what? You’re ending it with Ellie?’

  ‘I think it’s best if I do.’

  ‘I don’t know, mate. I can’t see how that’s the best idea. She might be who you need to make this easier. You have no idea how she’ll react to this.’

  ‘She’s twenty-six. She’s just opened a business and is trying to make a life for herself. Believe me, she will not want to be tied down with a child.’

  ‘I think you’re making a big mistake. At the end of the day, Ellie wants to be with you. Sure, Olivia will be a shock. And you’ll have to readjust, but I’m sure you two could work it out.’

  ‘Just drop it. Please.’

  Tom shook his head, lips curling into a shape that could be loosely described as a snarl. ‘Don’t do this again, Sam. Not with Ellie. Don’t use Olivia as an excuse to run away.’

  Sam drew an angry breath in. ‘Don’t fucking analyse me.’

  Tom threw his hands up. When he spoke again, his voice was a harsh whisper but carried a tone of resignation. ‘Whatever, mate. Do what you want. I’m over caring to tell you the truth. You want to fuck it up with Ellie, go for it. I’m not going to try and stop you.’

  ‘Look, can we please just have a pleasant day? Let me deal with Ellie. It’s all about Oliva today. She needs to feel secure here or this isn’t going to work.’

  Tom blinked as he stared at Sam, then nodded. ‘Fine.’

  Chapter 30

  When Amy pushed through the front doors of In Bloom, a box filled with smaller pink containers in her hands, Ellie’s stomach sunk. Her cheeks
blossomed with heat.

  She hated that she was embarrassed. But after what Tiffany said yesterday, pointing out how naïve she had been, that’s how she felt. Embarrassed.

  ‘Good morning,’ Amy said, bringing the box out to the back room, which was their usual routine when she dropped the cupcake orders over.

  ‘Morning,’ Ellie said.

  When the box was stacked away, Amy joined her out the front of the shop. ‘How are you?’

  Ellie’s heart thumped with the desire to lie and say she was fine, but she was far from that. ‘To be honest: crappy. I feel like such an idiot. I should have trusted my instincts where Sam was concerned.’

  Amy shook her head. ‘Why? What did he do?’

  Ellie arched a brow. She had assumed she would have known. ‘He sent me a text Sunday morning after two days of zero communication saying that he wanted to end our relationship.’

  Amy’s mouth fell open. ‘He didn’t.’

  Ellie shrugged. ‘I thought you would have known.’

  She shook her head. ‘I had no idea. I knew Tom was being tight-lipped about something, but he was obviously trying to protect Sam. He knew I wouldn’t have been able to close my mouth. ‘

  ‘Well, Sam ended it between us. No explanation.’

  A crease of confusion formed in the centre of her brow. ‘He hasn’t said why?’

  ‘Nothing. He just said that things have changed and that it’s best we end our relationship.’

  ‘Nothing?’

  Ellie frowned, narrowed her eyes. ‘He sent one single text that gave no explanation. But he doesn’t have to say it out loud. I know why he’s bolted.’

  ‘And … why is that?’

  Ellie threw her hands up, let them fall to her side. ‘I told him about Blair. He seemed okay with it, but I guess he’s had time to think and realise he doesn’t want to get involved with me.’

  Amy nodded slowly, but there was something in her eyes. Her mind was ticking. ‘I don’t think that’s why he ended it, Ellie.’

  ‘It has to be. One day we’re going so great. He told me he was falling in love with me. I tell him about Blair. And then it’s over.’

  ‘He said he was falling in love with you?’

  Ellie nodded, warm tears pricking the back of her eyes. She had been so happy and one text later, she was miserable. She hated that people had so much potential to hurt one another.

  Amy frowned deeply and held her arms out. ‘Oh, Ellie, come here.’

  Ellie fell into Amy’s embrace allowing the unbidden tears to flow. ‘I don’t want it to, but my heart is breaking.’

  ‘I can see that.’

  Ellie pulled away and wiped her cheeks. ‘I damn well hate that I’m crying over him.’

  ‘You’re allowed tears. It doesn’t make you weak. It just shows that you care. And I think if he could see you like this, he wouldn’t be so heartless.’

  Ellie shrugged, shook her head. ‘What does it matter? He’s made his mind up. He doesn’t even have the courtesy to talk to me face to face, let alone answer the phone when I call.’

  ‘It’s probably not my place to interfere here.’ Amy tugged at her apron, straightening it on her waist. ‘But he hasn’t broken up with you because of your past. Something big has happened. And I’m really surprised he still hasn’t told you about it.’

  Ellie’s brow wrinkled. ‘What? What happened?’

  Amy looked away, rubbed her forearm. She looked back at Ellie. ‘I really can’t say. But go see him. Make him talk to you face to face. It may not change things between you, but at least you’ll know why.’

  Ellie took a step back, sat on the counter, suddenly legless. ‘Wow. Okay. I did not expect to hear that this morning.’

  ‘They’ve got film crew out there all this week. And it’s hectic as hell. But maybe on the weekend, head on over. It will give him a week to miss you, and realise what he’ll be losing if he continues to be an idiot.’

  Ellie sighed. ‘I don’t know if he’s worth it.’

  ‘Maybe he is. Maybe he isn’t. But you are. You deserve to hear the truth. From him.’

  She blew out a long sigh. ‘I wish I never met him.’

  Amy squinted, a small smile finding her lips. ‘I don’t believe that for a second. You two are good together. Don’t give up. Go fight for him.’

  Chapter 31

  Sam left for Melbourne before the sun rose. He had organised to pick Olivia up and have her spend the weekend with him in Alpine Ridge again.

  It was nice to have a few hours to think while he drove. Not that he’d done much else in all the moments in between work. Thankfully the week was organised chaos. With the film crew at the vineyard and full-scale production of their new line in place, he had much to keep him distracted.

  But each night when he climbed into bed alone, he ached to feel Ellie in his arms. He missed her laugh, her gorgeous face, those kiss-me-again-and-again lips. So many times, he picked his mobile up to call her, to simply talk, but he couldn’t do it. Didn’t do it.

  It was best he cut things off cleanly. No lingering. That way it was easier for both of them.

  Though, it didn’t feel easy. He felt Ellie in his body at all moments, in all the places she had touched and kissed.

  He was trying to open his heart to Olivia, to allow her in, but all the while his heart was aching for Ellie. As though he needed Ellie to make his heart whole before it would ever be healthy enough to love Olivia.

  And wasn’t that the worst thing of all. If only he was strong enough to love them both. But he wasn’t. He wasn’t sure he ever had been.

  That’s why he was prey to Tamara. A plaything for the doctor of psychology. She saw his vulnerability underneath all the meat and bones that hid it away, and she took advantage of it … of him.

  No way did he think Ellie was anything like Tamara. But he was Sam. Broken. And wasn’t life like the bully who prodded your open wounds, reminding you how much that sore hurt. Life prodded at your wound by throwing things in your path that exposed the weakness you tried to hide under a suture or Band-Aid.

  Hearing of Olivia had exposed him. Allowed his vulnerability to be on full display. He was a father. He had to be responsible for a little girl that no-one bothered to tell him about.

  The Talbots had assumed Olivia would be better off without him. And as much as he had tried to justify their decision; it ripped open that soft, sensitive part of his body that hurt.

  Because that decision had told him what he always suspected—that he was ill, incapable. Not in his body, but in the place he wasn’t allowed to be. That no man was ever allowed to be.

  And if he were to tell Ellie about Olivia, she would be able to see that for herself. And he didn’t want her to see him as anyone less than the man he had pretended to be. The man he always pretended he was. The man his father was and expected Sam to be as well.

  His own father had got cancer and almost died in silence not telling anyone until he couldn’t hide it anymore. He hid behind closed doors in pain, lest anyone see him for anything other than the strong man he was. He wasted away before their eyes but remained a man until the last breath.

  Sam arrived in a suburb on the outskirts of Melbourne and buckled Olivia into the car. She talked the three-hour drive back to Alpine Ridge, asking questions, telling stories about school friends, about a cat that the Talbots had, about memories with Tamara.

  He took it as a good sign that she was feeling comfortable with him enough to open up.

  When they arrived home, he helped her out and grabbed her unicorn bag.

  ‘Will Amy be coming over today?’ she asked.

  Sam chuckled. ‘No, she won’t be today. It’s just you and me.’

  Olivia nodded.

  ‘But, we could try and make our own unicorn cake if you like?’

  Her eyes brightened as she grinned. ‘Yes, please.’

  ‘We’ll stretch our legs for a while, then we can go up to the shop later to buy what we need.’
<
br />   ‘Did the flowers grow big?’

  Sam smiled. ‘Let’s go put your stuff in your room, then I’ll take you out back and show you.’

  They dropped her bag in her room, had a drink and a snack, then Olivia got changed into her gardening clothes, which he asked Fenella to pack this time, so he didn’t dirty her good clothes.

  ‘Gumboots on,’ he said, holding out her little pink pair for her.

  She slid them on, and he took her hand and went outside to the glasshouse.

  Up the back on his work bench were all the little pots that they had used to plant the seeds, sitting in long rows.

  Olivia let go of his hand and ran ahead. She stepped up on the old timber chair to get a better look. She peered back at him with a wide grin, amazement bright in her eyes. ‘I can see them. They have grown. They’re only little tiny babies still though.’

  He stood beside her. ‘Next time you come over, they’ll be even bigger.’

  ‘I can’t wait to see them. They’ll be so beautiful. What colour do you think the flowers are? I think they’ll be purple. I really love purple.’

  Sam shrugged but was grinning. She had such a way of talking that melted his heart. ‘I guess it will be a surprise. So do we want to plant some other types today? I went up to the shop and bought some bulbs.’

  ‘What are bulbs?’

  He grabbed a packet, pulled out a hyacinth bulb and laid it on the bench. ‘This is.’ The bulb was brown, rounded, almost like a small, raw beetroot. ‘Some flowers grow from the little seeds like we planted last week. Others start out like this.’

  ‘Can I touch it?’

  He nodded.

  She reached for it and held it on her palm, brought it closer to her eyes for a thorough inspection. But she was gentle with it, caring, as though she understood its value.

  ‘Do you want me to show you how to plant it so it can grow into a big beautiful flower?’

  She nodded. ‘Yes, please.’

  By the time they finished in the glasshouse it was after lunch. Sam prepared them cheese and Vegemite sandwiches, then they got changed into clean clothes and drove up to Coles.

  He parked out the front in the busy car park.