The Sweetest Secret

by Jacquie Underdown

Once inside, he was bound to run into people he knew. He never came up here without seeing at least someone who wanted to stop and chat. They would ask who Olivia was, and he’d have to tell them.

  His grip tightened on the steering wheel as he ran scenarios through his brain—the judgements, the assumptions. Loverboy Sam’s dick finally got him trouble.

  ‘Are we getting out?’ Olivia asked.

  He looked at her in the back and strained a smile. ‘Yeah. I’m just thinking about a list of what we need.’

  She was silent. He was grateful.

  He peered out the windscreen again, in through the shop windows, seeing the silhouettes of shoppers inside. A wave of fear rocketed through him. He braced himself, trying to stop it.

  Not in front of Oliva.

  But the more he tried to resist, the deeper and harder the panic shook him, right to his bones. His vision blurred, the scenery grainy and cartoonish. He could barely breathe. He couldn’t breathe.

  He lowered his head, sucking in air, but his breaths were short and loud.

  I’m going to die in front of Olivia.

  Please, not in front of Olivia.

  He reached for the door, but he couldn’t find the handle to get out.

  Sweat beaded on his head.

  ‘What’s wrong?’ came Olivia’s small voice.

  He couldn’t answer as fear wracked him, consumed him. I can’t breathe. I just need to breathe. He closed his eyes—lost in the darkness.

  A tender hand on his cheek made his eyes snap open.

  Olivia.

  Her face was close to his. Two small hands pressed against his cheeks. She stared into his eyes. It was enough to distract him so he could catch his breath. Precious air filled his lungs. But tears stung his eyes. So much shame filled him. So much shame it physically hurt.

  ‘It’s okay. You don’t have to cry.’

  He rested his forehead against Oliva’s and breathed, his bottom lip trembling. She wrapped her small arms around his shoulders. ‘It’s okay. My mummy used to get scared sometimes too.’

  He drew a deep breath and lifted his head from hers. He wiped his eyes with his shirt. ‘I’m sorry.’

  She smiled reassuringly.

  ‘I’m sorry, Olivia. Did I frighten you?’

  She shook her head. ‘Mummy said I don’t have to be scared. She just said to sit and wait quietly until it’s over.’

  He drew another deep breath in. ‘Thank you.’

  She climbed off his lap and crawled into the back seat. ‘We don’t have to make a cake if you don’t want to.’

  He sniffled, smiled. ‘Yeah, I think we should probably just go home.’

  Olivia slid into her car seat.

  ‘You okay with that seatbelt?’ he asked as he pulled off his jacket; it was soaked with perspiration. Sweat dripped down his face.

  Olivia heaved the clip on the seatbelt down with all her strength until it clicked in, then looked at him with a grin. ‘Yep.’

  As he drove home, Olivia didn’t speak. He was grateful for the silence. Everything inside him was rigid, twitchy.

  He wanted to stop this father pretence now before he ruined Olivia. Was he really a better option than the Talbots were? Was someone who couldn’t even face a grocery store able to be in charge of another human being?

  But he knew, deep in his heart, that he was the only option. There was no running away from Olivia. Unlike with Ellie, he had no choice.

  When they arrived home, he put a movie on. Frozen . Something he’d heard a lot about, but had never had any reason to watch. He gathered a pillow from her bedroom and placed it on the lounge so she was comfortable, and sat beside her.

  Her wiggling and fidgeting lessened, and she eventually rested her head on the pillow. As Elsa sang and Olivia watched, he thought. Thought and thought and thought about what he knew he had to do. As much as it filled his heart with shame, he had to finally admit that he may have a mental illness. And he had to admit that he needed help.

  Olivia’s eyelids grew heavier and heavier until her long blinks became longer, and she fell asleep.

  Quietly, he stood with his mobile in hand and went into his bedroom. He closed the door and stood there staring at the blank screen. His shoulders rose and fell with his deep breath.

  He had no choice left. If he wanted to be the best father he could be to this amazing, courageous little girl, he needed to admit his problems and ask for help.

  When a sliver of courage took hold in his mind, he dialled Felicity’s number. It rang once, twice. His pulse was racing.

  He couldn’t do this. He drew the phone away from his ear, to end the call, but he heard her answer.

  ‘Felicity speaking.’

  He dragged the phone back to his ear, cleared his throat. ‘Hi, Felicity. It’s Sam. Sam Mathews.’

  ‘Sam. It’s so good to hear from you. How’s your gorgeous little niece going?’

  He smiled nervously. ‘Really well. She’s growing so big.’

  ‘And Mitch?’

  ‘He’s doing much better.’

  ‘And how about you, Sam? How are you going?’

  A lump formed in his throat. Real men didn’t ask for help, did they? That’s what his dad had told him. That’s what his school teacher had implied. Don’t be a sook, his football coach would say. He was big enough, he had nothing to be anxious about.

  But it wasn’t true. And now it wasn’t only himself this anxiety was affecting. Ellie was suffering because he was too chicken to admit his fragility to her. And Olivia was witnessing him having panic attacks in parking lots. ‘I’m not doing very well.’

  ‘I’m sorry to hear that.’

  ‘I need some help.’

  ‘I’ll do all I can.’

  ‘I need to talk to someone. I think I have … um …’ He ran his fingers through his hair. ‘Anxiety.’ All the air left his lungs when he spoke the word. He’d not said it out loud before and it felt like glass on its way out, dragging forth a deep melancholy with it. His eyes were watering.

  ‘Okay. Well, thank you for telling me that. Let’s arrange an appointment. Did you want to come and see me, or would you be more comfortable with a man or someone you don’t know?’

  ‘I’d like to see you if that’s okay? I trust you.’ Trusting the counsellor was going to be key to getting better. His lack of trust in the profession had been what had held him back in the past.

  ‘Of course. I won’t be able to see you at the women’s clinic. For obvious reasons. But I do one day’s practice at the public hospital. I’ll arrange an appointment for Monday. Just let me check my schedule.’

  ‘Sure.’ Sam closed his eyes as clicks and clacks sounded on the other end.

  ‘I’ll move things around, Sam, and get you in at nine am. How does that work for you?’

  ‘I will make it work.’

  ‘Good. Now, I’ve been friends of your family for more years than I can count, so I’m asking you this as a friend. How are you at the moment? Would you like me to come over for a cup of tea?’

  He drew a deep breath in and it shuddered. ‘No. I’m okay for now.’

  ‘Okay. If you do need me about anything, at all, I’m a phone call away. Otherwise, I’ll see you Monday morning.’

  ‘Thanks, Felicity. I appreciate it.’

  ‘No worries at all. Thanks for calling.’

  Sam sank onto the bed, lowered his face to his hands. His heart was pounding, but a series of deeply ingrained knots had unravelled and lifted from his shoulders.

  A noisy car engine soon interrupted his solitude. He sat up, pulled the blinds back to see who it was.

  Ellie.

  He groaned. ‘Fuck.’

  He got to his feet and crept to the front door, unwilling to wake Olivia. He snuck outside, closing the door quietly behind him.

  Ellie’s gaze met his through the windscreen. Her effortless beauty stole the breath from his lungs. But her face was white, her eyes were tired, her hair not given the meticulous gro
oming he was used to.

  She climbed out and threaded her arms into a thick puffy jacket.

  He crossed his arms over his chest as she came to stand before him. If he didn’t, he’d want to reach out to her, stroke her soft cheek.

  ‘Hi,’ she said, voice husky.

  ‘Hi.’

  ‘Can we talk?’

  He glanced at his watch.

  She narrowed her eyes. ‘Oh, I see. I’m on the clock, am I?’

  ‘No, it’s not like that.’

  ‘Then tell me what it’s like, Sam, because I’m in the dark here. You sent me a text saying you want to end our relationship with no explanation. Just a simple: things have changed.’

  ‘I’m sorry,’ he said, her explanation slashing at his chest, deep enough to nick his heart. He was such a selfish prick. He’d not seen it from that angle, too concerned with his own life to take her point of view.

  ‘I don’t want you to tell me you’re sorry. I want you to explain what happened. Is it because of what I told you?’

  His forehead furrowed. ‘What did you tell me?’

  She lowered her gaze and said more softly, ‘About Blair.’

  ‘No. It’s got nothing to do with that.’

  A tremble wracked through her. ‘Can we please go inside, it’s freezing?’

  The cold struck him then, and he shivered too; he was only wearing jeans and a light jumper. He looked back to the house, thought of Olivia asleep on the lounge. ‘I’d rather we didn’t.’

  She took two steps away from him. ‘Why?’

  He shook his head.

  She pointed to the house. ‘Do you have a woman in there? You’ve moved on already? Oh my god, that’s it, isn’t it?’ Tears filled her eyes, and his heart sunk to see them. ‘I’m such an idiot. I should have known you’d never change. Men never change.’

  He gripped her arms. She looked up at him, tears streaking her cheeks. ‘Ellie, it’s not like that. It’s really really complicated.’

  She pulled out of his clutch. ‘Sure it is, Sam. Go enjoy yourself.’ And she spun, starting back to her car.

  He jogged to catch up and stepped in front of her. ‘Ellie. My daughter is inside.’

  She stilled, her eyes widened. ‘Your daughter?’ She pressed her fingers to her temples. Her hands were shaking. ‘Please don’t tell me you’re fucking married.’

  ‘Bloody hell. No, I’m not married. She’s Tamara’s.’

  ‘The university lecturer. The one who died?’

  Hearing it so bluntly struck his heart afresh. ‘Yes. I only found out that I had a daughter last Friday.’

  Her mouth flapped open and shut a few times as she scrambled for words, for sense. ‘Why didn’t you tell me?’

  He shrugged, shook his head. ‘I thought it was best not to.’

  ‘Oh, you did, did you? Why the hell would you think this was the best way to deal with it?’

  ‘You’re young, Ellie—’

  ‘I’m two years younger than you.’

  ‘You’ve just opened a business. I’m not going to come in and wreck your life because my past is catching up with me.’ It was half the truth.

  She shook her head, staring at him with utter incredulity. ‘Oh that’s bullshit, Sam, and you know it.’

  Now he was the one to take a step back. ‘It’s not bullshit.’

  ‘It is. And it’s not fair. Because you should have given me the opportunity to make up my own mind. You don’t just tell me one moment that you’re falling in love with me and then run the moment some hiccup occurs.’

  ‘I think this is more than a hiccup.’

  ‘I wouldn’t know, Sam, because you’ve chosen to exclude me. And that tells me so much more than anything else. It shows me you’re not serious. It shows me you don’t have feelings for me. It shows me that you don’t value my opinion or my help. I should have been the first person you called!’

  Sam didn’t know what to say. Inadvertently, he had done to Ellie what the Talbots had done to him. He had presumed he knew better. He had thought he knew what was right without even giving her the opportunity to have her own say. ‘I’m sorry.’

  ‘Yeah, well it’s a little too late for that. But at least I know where I stand. Where I’ve always stood with you.’

  She spun and marched to her car. As she opened the door, she turned back to him. ‘And this shows me more than anything else that you’re a coward. You were too scared I was going to react badly, perhaps even leave you. So you thought you’d get in first. That way you’re still in control.’

  He shook his head; his breaths were coming harder. In his efforts to not be seen as weak, his very actions had portrayed himself as nothing more. She had called his bluff. That bounty of shame that dwelled in his soul simmered.

  ‘Bye, Sam. Have a nice life.’

  She climbed into the car and shut the door. He didn’t try to stop her. He couldn’t if he wanted to.

  The last person he had ever wanted to call him a coward was Ellie. It had struck him like a whip, leaving lashes on his raw flesh, because deep down, it was the truth. And nothing hurt more than a truth you had difficulty even admitting to yourself.

  Chapter 32

  Ellie had been in this predicament many times, and she had come through it before so she could do it again. So what, her heart had been broken, she was still alive, still healthy.

  All the reasons she had moved to Alpine Ridge were still here. One foot in front of the other, that’s how it went.

  But Sam was proving more difficult to get over than she had thought. In the last month, she had not seen him, nor heard from him at all.

  It was probably best to have a clean break.

  Probably.

  Ellie had thrown herself into her little shop, making it the most successful it could be. She was getting a name for herself now, not only in Alpine Ridge but in the surrounding towns. This part of her life was moving ahead.

  She had tried to accept that her romantic life may never be something she would master. And that was okay too. There was more to life than love, wasn’t there? Of course there was. It just didn’t feel that way again yet.

  She had learned that she didn’t need a man in order to feel whole. The last year had shown Ellie the strength she had as an individual.

  But she truly did have deep feelings for Sam, and she was still conflicted about how easily that seemingly wonderful relationship fell apart.

  It was near closing time when Ellie shut the store early and headed next door to talk to Amy. Since her relationship with Sam ended, she understood it was hard for Amy to be the person caught in the middle. So Ellie didn’t pester Amy to talk about Sam. And Amy did her best not to speak about him.

  But today Ellie wanted to. She needed to know if he was doing okay.

  All of a sudden, she wanted something of Sam, if only a story told second-hand from a mutual friend.

  As she pushed through the front door of Love and Cupcakes, Amy turned and smiled.

  ‘Hi. How are you?’

  Ellie smiled. ‘I’m good.’

  Amy arched a brow. ‘Really?’

  ‘That obvious?’

  ‘A little. Come on. Come out the back, and we’ll have a cup of tea. I’ve got a few cupcakes left if you’d like one?’

  Sugar and fat sounded like the only thing she needed right now. ‘Yes, please.’

  Ellie went through to the back and took a seat. They did this at least once a week, either at her store or here at Amy’s.

  Amy put a plate in front of her with a cupcake sitting prettily in the centre. A big mocking red love heart sat conspicuously on top. ‘Sorry, but I’ve only got Cupid cupcakes left.’

  Ellie mostly didn’t believe that Cupid nonsense anyway because the cupcakes certainly hadn’t helped her out. ‘That’s okay.’ And the small part of her that did believe, beckoned her to eat more than one on the off chance it might actually make her love life more successful.

  She bit into the cake and moaned. ‘This
is exactly what I needed. Have I ever told you you’re a genius?’

  Amy grinned. ‘You may have mentioned it once or twice.’ Tea made, Amy sat in the seat beside her and looked at her with an arched brow that said, ‘All right, tell me what’s got you all angsty?’

  ‘I really really miss him,’ Ellie said.

  ‘I thought as much.’

  But did she understand how much? Did she know how Ellie’s heart squeezed and ached with want for this man? Every damn second of every damn day. ‘How is he?’

  ‘He’s doing okay.’

  ‘And his daughter?’

  ‘She’s settling into the routine as well as we could expect for a girl in her circumstances.’

  ‘So she’s living with Sam?’

  Amy shook her head. ‘The DNA results came back positive, but they decided it best to wait until the end of the school term. Which is two weeks away. But she stays with him at the vineyard every weekend.’

  ‘And he’s coping? They’re building a relationship?’

  She nodded. ‘It seems like they are.’

  ‘He broke my heart, but I don’t hate him. Not entirely,’ she added with a bashful curl of her lips. ‘It’s nice to hear that he’s doing well.’

  ‘You’ve every right to be upset. I think he rushed ending what you had started. And I told him so.’

  Ellie gave a grateful smile, glad to have someone backing her up, even though it didn’t make much of a difference to the outcome. ‘Thanks.’

  ‘So why the sudden need to talk about him?’

  Ellie shrugged. ‘I don’t know. I was standing in my empty store, and my heart just starting aching for him.’

  ‘Knock knock,’ came a booming voice from the back door. The sound of that rich bass moved through her, deep into her veins.

  Amy got to her feet, and with her face close to Ellie’s, whispered, ‘Maybe the feeling was intuition.’

  She didn’t know whether to excuse herself before she saw him or stay where she was. But her muscles went rigid, not allowing her to go anywhere, which made up her mind for her.

  Amy opened the door. ‘Sam. I wasn’t expecting you.’

  ‘Sorry to call in at the last moment. But I’m going to pick Livvy up early tomorrow morning, and I was hoping you had some cupcakes left …’ His voice trailed off as his eyes met Ellie’s.