Almost Official

by Ruby Reade

  'Settle down?' I almost choke on my beer. 'You? You have got to be kidding me mate? Are you sure you didn't go on some pussy yoga retreat instead of travelling?' I ask in utter shock.

  'Did you join a cult where they turn your brains into mush?' Drew asks as much amazed as I am.

  This is Luke the ultimate player and my idol with the ladies since school.

  'No guys, I've grown up, maybe you should try it sometime.' He wiggles his eyebrows and farts with the effort. Not exactly the behaviour of a grownup.

  I stare at him. Has he been taken over by aliens? Perhaps he got too much sun? I don't know, but something must have happened out there.

  'Seriously stop looking at me like that.' He says, grabbing another drink. 'Have you boys lost your touch or something? Why aren't you drinking? I want to celebrate getting home and moving on-wards and upwards.' He says, raising his bottle.

  'Us?' I ask looking at my nearly full beer and back at him. He could have a point.

  I raise my glass and down it in three gulps. I'm sure it will sort itself out and he will be back to his old ways in a couple of days.

  'Okay, if you had to choose what would you be and why. A bottle of Bud or a bottle of wine?' He says to me and Drew.

  'Ah a classic, okay, right. I would be, a bottle of, Bud. Why, because it's manly, tastes great, everyone has heard of Bud, and wants one.' I say, finishing my second and slamming it on the table.

  'No way, a bottle of wine. Girls love it, girls want it, and it goes to your head quicker.' Drew replies, and we nod impressed.

  'My turn. Motorbike or Ferrari and why?' I ask.

  'Got to be the bike hands down. It's dangerous and sexy. Girls love a guy with a bike.' Drew replies first this time.

  'Oh yeah that sounds like you Drew, dangerous and sexy.' Luke is cracking up at the thought.

  'Brrrrhmmm brrrrrhmmmmmm. Come and get me ladies.' I say, joining in and doing an impression of him.

  'Oh piss off, I don't see either of you two doing any better on the woman front.' Drew doesn't like how it has all turned on him and slams his bottle on the table and losing half of it.

  'Not yet mate, not yet.' Luke says looking up at a picture of all the boys and girls together. It was probably the last time we all hung out before he broke it off with Kate and went travelling. Maybe he is serious.

  Chapter 7

  Lucy

  Chaos is packed. It feels like they have sucked all the air out to fit more people in. I am still in a foul mood after bumping into Kevin and the man stealer. I bet he sent me that message on purpose just so that he could get rid of me and move onto her.

  How do guys go from one girl, like me for instance, who is curvy and tall with dark hair to a blond that has the figure of a fifteen-year-old boy, and the personality of a tyrant?

  Men don't care. If you have a pulse, then anything goes.

  I make a break for it and escape outside for a fag. My little camisole and thin jeans are no match for the cold. I am considering asking a random man for the help of his coat or failing that, a hug.

  'Lucy?' I turn around praying it is someone with a coat.

  'Hello again. You seem to be making a habit of this.' It's the sexy weirdo from the seafront.

  'Are you sure, you're not following me?' I ask, smiling through the shivers.

  'I think they might arrest me for harassing a pretty woman. As it goes, I was just going to ask if I could grab a light?'

  'Seeing as you asked so nicely, and you can get me a drink inside.' I tell him, ugly men my arse. Wait till the girls see him.

  'I wanted to get you one anyway.' He says, accepting the lighter and leaning in closer to use me as a windshield.

  'Jamie, hey, mate. Hurry up.' Jamie. That's his name. There is some skinny, One Direction wannabe waving at him. He glares at me. I take it he only gets female attention when Jamie is there, and I’m obviously taking up his precious pulling time.

  'All right, all right.' He shouts back, waving his fag. 'Sorry about that, it’s just Marty, he hates when I talk to girls on a lad’s night out, well, that's if he hasn't pulled.' Jamie says into my ear making me shiver even more, if that is possible.

  'Come on. I want to go and get a drink.' Marty orders Jamie from the doorway and waves his arms about again as if this is all a massive inconvenience to his night.

  'I am coming right now you bitch.' He shouts back moving towards him. 'Come and find me at the back bar and I'll buy you that drink.' He promises me over the crowd of smokers. Marty looks at me over Jamie's shoulder and gives me a disapproving look as if I had just snatched his favourite toy off him.

  I think I'll have to ask one of the girls to take Marty out of the picture for a bit. I walk back into the club after they disappear, straight down the illuminated staircase and enjoy the feel of the heat engulfing me.

  I spot Laura and Kate at the first bar. I step up my pace when I see Kate having an argument with some guy standing next to her.

  She might look like a red-headed version of toothpick, but she can certainly hold her own with words and otherwise. I almost feel sorry for the person she has undoubtedly picked on.

  I push my way through to the bar earning an elbow to my chin and a stiletto crushing my big toe. It's like a war zone in here. They say clubs are like meat markets, but I think a war describes the vibe better. Girls chanting, every girl for herself. The boys have the take no prisoners' attitude. There are fights, people pulling rank, and glory hunters on the dance floor.

  I make my way over to where I spotted Kate and Laura, when the crowd in front of me spits them out.

  'Swear.' Kate shouts at me handing a drink over.

  'What?' This has got to be the most random game.

  'I said SWEAR.' She shouts again.

  'Fine,' I shout.

  'FUCK.' There we go, that should do it. People are looking at me now though as if I’m short of a few. I'm inclined to agree with them.

  'Is it Kevin?' She asks looking around.

  Not again. I look around.

  'What's going on?' Laura shouts looking around as well.

  'What's the matter? Is he here? Why are you swearing?' Kate asks. This is getting ridiculous now.

  'You said swear.' Fuck sake. I didn't even want to a minute ago, but now every kind of expletive is just bursting to get out.

  'I said, here. As in, here, is your drink. You bloody nutter.' She just laughs at me. Well I guess you would.

  'Makes more sense I guess.' Is all I can say.

  I see Jamie over at the other bar, and he waves when he sees me looking. Marty turns to see who he is waving at. I get an eye roll, and Jamie gets a punch. I know what I prefer. Marty smirks at me when Jamie turns back around. God, how childish is that Marty?

  'Can we go?' I shout to the girls.

  'Course we can. I've had enough anyway.' Laura shouts back to me. 'Lead the way.' She says pointing to the door and grabbing Kate who is on the middle of yet another argument. Why she doesn't just pick on someone her own size. It's like she has little man syndrome when she has a drink.

  We finally get a cab and fall in a heap inside. 'To Laura's house.' Kate says to the cab driver. He doesn't drive anywhere. Instead, he turns around in his seat and just looks at us.

  'She will not be sick. I promise.' I try to reassure the driver.

  'Would you like to tell me where Laura's house is?' Is all he asks raising his eyebrows. I think he has probably dealt with girls like us far too many times already tonight to be bothered.

  After paying Frank, who is married with kids and not interested in having a mistress, much to Laura's disappointment, we jump out of the car.

  'Bye Frankie, we love you.' Laura shouts out to the car as it speeds off down the road. He may want to call it a night after dropping us home.

  I walk straight into the back of Kate who has decided that she is too drunk to move any further, even though she only has five more steps to the front door. Laura swerves past her and crashes into the door befor
e sliding down to her knees.

  What feels like a year later, possibly two, Laura finds her key and uses it with none of our frustrated offers of help.

  'I'm off to bed.' Laura announces, leaving us to fight out the sleeping arrangements. Because Kate is so sizzled, I bag the sofa. She seems happy enough on the floor.

  I lay down. The room moves like a roundabout. All I want to do is get off. If I sit up, everything stops. I lay back down it starts up again.

  I am clinging onto the cushions for dear life in case I fly off, my mouth is watering, and my ears won't stop buzzing. I bloody well hate alcohol. And men. They are both on the top of my hate list. I shall not indulge in either ever again.

  'Luce? Luce? Are you okay?' Kate asks, peering up at me.

  'I don't know.' I reply honestly. I have just about kept my grip on the cushions after a particularly violent spin.

  'I feel better.'

  'Fabulous.' I wish I did.

  'Do you want some crisps? I'm hungry.' My belly turns, and I'm not sure if food will kill or cure me.

  'Go for it. No, wait, water. Get water.' I tell her dragging myself upright.

  Slowly, the room calms down and is soon still. The only problem is, every time I close my eyes, it starts up again. So, I sit up with my eyes as wide as I can make them. I have every intention of keeping them open permanently until I feel better.

  'You look like a raving lunatic.' Kate says before walking unsteadily towards the kitchen. Better to look like a lunatic than feel like one, I guess.

  I wonder if Kevin took her home tonight. I hate that he has gone for someone so, well, so perfect. At least if she was a bit more normal looking, then it wouldn't be like he has gone and upgraded me for a better model. Literally, a supermodel. I bet he makes her, his official girlfriend.

  I shake my head trying to get them out, but it is a massive mistake. A wicked hot flush takes hold of me. My stomach threatens to erupt the offending alcohol back up at any minute.

  I am going to be so ill tomorrow. I look at my watch and I correct myself. I am going to be so ill today. At least I don't have the worry of going to work in a couple of hours, unlike the girls.

  Kate crashes back into the room, thankfully distracting me from my thoughts and impending sickness.

  'You got a vase of water? A vase? What's wrong with a glass?' I ask. She looks at it as if it's the first time she has even seen it.

  'You know what, I thought it was a bit big.' She shrugs and plonks it down next to me.

  'Do you miss Luke?' I ask her.

  'Erm, yes and no. Where did that come from anyway?' She asks looking a bit miffed.

  'I don't know. It's just you never talk about it, but you two were pretty serious before he left.' I probe a bit more.

  'If you can call it serious with him being a serial cheater, then yeah, I guess so. To be honest, I don't even expect him to come back, but even if he did, what would the point be of carrying on where we left off. I don't want that anymore, it's always better to move forward instead of back ten steps.' She grabs the vase and steadily drinks and drinks.

  'No, maybe not backwards, but you can start again. I mean it's not like you are with anyone, or even been with anyone at all since he left.' I try to read her expression, but her face is mostly distorted by glass. I can't believe she is still drinking.

  After downing almost all the water, she looks at me before replying, 'Luke is not the settling down type, I mean he is just like Kevin, never satisfied with one.' As soon as she says it, I can see she wishes she hadn't.

  'Yep, just like Kev.' I say trying to stop my eyes watering up, but the effort is bringing on a headache.

  'Lucy. I. Am. So. Sorry.' She says grabbing my knee.

  'Fine, it's fine. Let's just go to sleep.' I wave her away.

  'Sorry.'

  'Don't worry about it. I'm not.' I reassure her with a smile I'm surprised I can make.

  I wonder if I will ever get it right where men are concerned. None of the men I meet are ever quite right. I used to read Mills and Boon when I was a teenager, and I think they built my expectations to high. Then again, I am not a typical female lead for one of those books, maybe that is what the problem is. Maybe I am just that bit too much like Kat Slater for his liking and he is no Alfie putting up with it all. He wants a sweet little girl that he can boss around and live his life, while she sits there waiting for him.

  He wants a mug, and it looks like Amy will be that mug.

  Chapter 8

  Lucy

  My first day. I haven't had a new job in over three years, and to say I'm nervous is the biggest understatement in history. I feel like a child getting ready for their first day at senior school, knowing that the first day is going to set the tone for the rest of their school life. I’m certain that without fail, I will fuck it up.

  I still think Alex was very cunning when he picked on me in my deathly hungover state, offering me a job here. I suppose at least it will keep me off the ever-growing unemployment list the government is always banging on about.

  Sure enough, my prediction on Lucy's sofa was correct. I was sick. Very, very sick. As a consolation, both Kate and Laura were also very sick, so I wasn't alone in my agony. I dragged myself into Tiffanies, after my long trek home, not sure if I would make it without the help of my friends, sugar, and caffeine.

  That was when he collared me. He needed a new manager for the coffee shop, unless he wanted to wait longer until starting his new job. At the back of my head, I thought he must be desperate to ask me. I have never even done anything remotely like this, but being in a vulnerable state I agreed, and said I could start Monday.

  The bonus was I could tell mum I walked out of one job, but already had another one. She just smiled and said if I am happy, then she is happy. I think she is still being kind to me after the Kevin situation.

  It's just gone seven in the morning but the darkness outside, and the bags underneath my eyes tell a different story. I can't believe I am out of bed let alone standing in the coffee shop, not quite ready to work.

  I huddle in the doorway to have a sneaky wake up fag. I'm not sure if it is the cold air or the smoke billowing out of my mouth, but it looks spooky in the dark. There is no sign of life apart from the odd pair of headlights every now and then, making their way down the high street. I feel as though I am in the middle of a horror movie right before the homicidal maniac kills the girl.

  'Lucy, it's time.' Alex calls. One horror film makes way for another. I plant a smile on my face and turn around. I want to go home already.

  'I thought I could start by introducing you to everyone today, and then showing you the way we run here at Tiffanies, if that's okay by you of course?' Why he is asking I don't know, but I nod and smile at him. Speech is still a bit difficult. He sighs and for a split second I am horrified he might hug me. I guess he is relieved that I haven't run screaming out of the door.

  I can't see why he is being so funny about it all. It can't be that hard working here. I'm going to be selling coffee and cake for Christ's sake.

  A little while later Miranda bursts through the door bringing the cold air in with her. When she first started working here, I assumed she was a man in drag, serving coffee to fund her clothes and makeup. For the following few months, each time I saw her, she was wearing a neck scarf. If I thought I could have gotten away with it I would have asked her to remove it and show me her Adam's apple to prove she was indeed a man.

  I have seen her several times now though, and I was wrong, she is definitely a girl. She might be a deceptively manly girl, but she is a girl.

  'Morning.' She mutters without looking up. She peels off a skin-tight coat that I think is pointless wearing in this weather.

  'Hey Miranda.' I call out and wave from behind the coffee machine that is surprisingly hard to master. They are much more complicated than they look, I would like to point out.

  'Hmmm.' Is all I get back from her. Shrugging, I turn back to tackle The Beast as this
stupid machine will now be known.

  'Miranda, I'm going to spend the first hour or so going over some paperwork with Lucy, so if you need us, then we'll just be in the office.' He tells her and waves me over. I don't need to be asked twice.

  ***

  When I come back into the main coffee shop, the sun has come up and Mike is behind the counter working alongside Miranda.

  'Morning boss.' Mike greets me with a bow. I roll my eyes back at him before Alex drags me over to the till. He shows me how to work it in about thirty seconds and I am left reeling without a clue.

  I don't get a chance to even say a word to Miranda or Mike because I am dropped into the deep end. I am left with The Mum's. A breed of people that seem to be threatening to take over the world with their loud commands, and their buggies disrupting the table plan just so they can sit around drinking coffee, and pretend they are normal. If these women are anything to go by, then normal is not a word I would use to describe them. People talk about football hooligans, but I think if the national papers looked at this group of women, they would get a better insight to the hooligan mind-set. There is shouting, barging and competing galore.

  When they bark orders at me, I just want to shout at them. 'I AM NOT YOUR CHILD. ASK ME NICELY.' I somehow compose myself and smile through gritted teeth while pouring what seems like a million coffees.

  The Mum's take over the coffee shop with their little couchie, couchie coo babies who are in reality, demon children. The babies turn purple with the effort it takes to scream so loudly while the place falls into rack and ruin around me. They say things to their children that make no sense whatsoever. I mean who taught these people to string lickle, ickle, cutie pie princess, poo, poo pants together as an acceptable phrase? Or is it something that is automatically inbuilt when you pop one out?

  One of these creatures, a regular according to Miranda, comes up to the counter to make my life just that bit worse and order more drinks.

  'Hi, can I have two cappuccinos no sugar, actually wait, one with, HARRY WILL YOU STOP THAT IMMEDIATELY, on second thoughts make both, I SAID STOP THAT RIGHT NOW, with sugar. Thank you.' And that is it, she looks at me as if there is nothing wrong with this behaviour. I could do a study to try to work out if it is sleep deprivation or just plain old hormones to blame for the frighteningly close likeness to Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.