Seeking Refuge

by Lenora Worth

  When they reached the back door to the main house, Josie turned once again to glance at the Fisher house. She saw a man standing on the porch in the very spot where she used to hide and play all by herself. The man looked toward her.

  A man who seemed familiar. Just her imagination, Josie told herself to calm her jittery heart. She’d had Tobias on her mind and in her dreams for a long time, so it stood to reason she was now seeing him when he wasn’t the one standing there.

  Maybe Josiah had sold the place and he’d already turned the farm over to the buyer. Why else would someone be back there this late? And why did her heart skip and jump from seeing the man standing there?

  After they’d made their way to the kitchen of the big house, the smell of chicken potpie wafting toward them, Josie saw the look that passed between her brother and Raesha.

  Something was going on. She’d have to find out what exactly. The old dread resurfaced, making all her anxieties and doubts bubble up like boiling water.

  Josie got Naomi settled, then went into the bobbeli room to check on Daniel and Dinah. She did this when her fears started pulling her back into the dark.

  Daniel slept away, his dark curls reminding her of her brother. She went to Dinah’s bed and stared at the precious girl. Precious because Josiah and Raesha loved her so much, but hard to look at. Dinah only reminded Josie of the man who’d ruined her life. Her chestnut-haired daughter looked a lot like a Fisher, but Josie could see the markings of the Englisch boy who’d attacked her at a party. A boy who’d been Tobias’s friend at one time.

  I can’t think about that now.

  Naomi had taught her to pray when she was scared.

  Josie stood by her daughter’s crib and prayed that Dinah would always be happy and healthy and that she’d never know the truth of her birth.

  Then she turned and went back into the kitchen to eat with her family. But now even Naomi seemed secretive and worried, her eyes holding Josie in a warm warning.

  “What is going on?” she asked, her hands on her hips. “Josiah, what happened today?”

  Her brother motioned to a dining chair. “Sit and let us eat.”

  Josie sat down and forced her fears away as they each silently said grace. But the silence seemed like an eternity to her.

  When her brother lifted his head and opened his eyes, she said, “I can’t eat until I know why everyone is looking at me as if I’ve grown two heads.” Josie sank down farther on her chair and glanced from her brother to Naomi. “You know, too. All of you do. Please tell me if something bad has happened.”

  Naomi put a wrinkled hand over Josie’s fingers and brought their clutched hands down against the table. “Your brother will explain and then we’ll have our supper.”

  Josiah sighed and looked at his wife. Raesha nodded and took his hand. When he looked at Josie, his expression changed into a frown, his eyes filling with a dark doubt and then sympathy. “Josie, I showed the house to a man today and he wants to buy the place right away.”

  Josie let out a sigh of relief. “Is that all? Well, that’s gut. Does he have a family? Is he from here? I saw someone over there as we were coming over. He looked familiar. Who is it?”

  Raesha’s eyes were wide, her expression quiet and blank. Naomi still held to Josie’s hand. But now Josiah would not look her in the eye.

  Josiah looked down in a hurry and then lifted his head, his eyes meeting hers. “It’s Tobias, Josie. Tobias Mast. He’s come to find you and he wants to buy our place.”

  * * *

  Josie’s heart stopped.

  Her mouth fell open as she stared at her brother. “What?”

  Raesha got up, came around the table and touched her shoulder. “It’s true. He found out you are here and he wants to buy the property. But, Josie, you don’t have to ever see him if you do not feel so.”

  Josiah nodded in agreement. “I told him as much. I also told him I will not sell to him if you disapprove or feel uncertain.”

  “Feel uncertain?” Josie pushed her chair back and stood. “I feel so much more than uncertain, bruder. The man I was supposed to marry is here? It’s been over three years since I left Kentucky. Why did you tell him that I am here?”

  “I didn’t,” Josiah said, his eyes dark with regret and sadness. “He already knew. A friend of yours told him.”

  Josie should have never written to Sarah Yount. But Sarah had been her best friend since the day she’d arrived in Kentucky. They’d shared a lot of secrets, but Josie had not shared her worst shame even with her best friend. Josie had often wondered if Tobias had wound up marrying Sarah. Apparently not. Or worse, what if he’d brought Sarah here with him? But then, if he were married already, he wouldn’t be here and demanding to see her.

  She shook her head, her hand to her heart. “I cannot see him. I cannot. He shouldn’t have come. I do not want him to live next door, Josiah. How could you even think that?”

  Josiah rubbed his hand down his beard and looked helpless. “I was caught off guard and surprised. I wasn’t sure what to tell him, honestly.”

  Raesha nudged Josie to sit down. Then her sister-in-law served the meal, the tension in the air as thick as the steam from the chicken potpie. Only Josie couldn’t eat.

  Josiah tried to eat his food but finally put his fork down. “I told him you wouldn’t like this. He only wants to know why you left.”

  “He can’t know that.” Josie’s eyes watered and she put her head in her hands. “What am I to do? I do not want to leave.”

  “You will not leave,” Naomi said, her voice commanding and firm. “You will not go back out into that world. You need to be here, where we love you and understand you.” Then she twisted to give Josie her full attention. “I need you here. We all do. And you need us.”

  After sighing and sitting silent for a moment, Naomi continued. “We will sleep on this and pray on it, of course. Your bruder has been trying to rid himself of that place for years. Denk on that. You have to let it go, too, and this might be the best solution, for so many reasons.”

  “I want to let it go,” Josie said, trying to keep her voice calm. “But I don’t need to think about this or wait until tomorrow. We cannot sell the house. Not to Tobias, of all people. Why would he even want it?”

  Josiah looked at Raesha and then back to Josie. “He came for you, Josie. He wants you back.”

  Josie stood again, her whole body shaking. “Well, we all know I am not fit to be around him, let alone be his wife. That will never happen. He cannot live next to us. That cannot be.”

  She turned and ran out of the room and out onto the breezeway. The late-day wind lifted at the strings on her kapp and cooled her burning cheeks. Then she whirled and watched the setting sun shoot its last rays across the green land. The beams of light hit the house behind the tree line with a creamy-golden glow that hurt her eyes with its beauty.

  At that moment, it seemed as if God had just touched his hand to the house that had been her prison and now was part of the yoke of shame she could never shed.

  Josie stood watching the house, her mind whirling with a warring dance of both pain and joy. Tobias was here in Campton Creek, and he’d looked straight at her just a few minutes earlier. She had seen him there on the porch.

  Her brother’s words came back to her. He came for you, Josie.

  But she couldn’t let the joy from those words take over the pain that fractured her heart.

  Tobias Mast might think he wanted her back, but if he knew the truth, he would turn and leave and she’d never see him again.

  And if he stays, she thought, wondering what that would be like, would he even see me then?

  No. She would not give in to the need to rush over there and call out his name. She would not give in to the love she still held in that secret place in her heart. Love for a man who would be ashamed and embarrassed to be arou
nd her.

  Josie watched the sun fade away and the dusk settle into muted grays as a hush came over the land. The house next door became a dark, looming shape that made her catch her breath and turn away, tears falling softly down her face.

  From inside, she heard Dinah cry out, “Mamm. Mamm.”

  Heard that sweet voice while her eyes held to that looming shape in the darkness.

  Josie sank down on the floor and cried the tears she’d been holding back for so long. The last time she’d cried like this was when her brother had found her inside that empty house with Dinah in her arms. She’d planned to take her baby and leave again, but Josiah had forced her to tell him the truth. She’d always believed she’d caused the deaths of their parents in the barn fire.

  But Josie knew in her heart that her mother wanted to run out of the barn with her.

  Only their father had held Mamm back.

  He’d held her back, and Mamm had cried out, her arms outstretched to her child.

  Josie’s arms were now wrapped against her stomach as the gut-wrenching pain of hearing her daughter’s cries only mirrored her own cries as she saw her mother’s tormented face surrounded by fire. How she longed for Tobias at that moment. She’d never told him what had happened that horrible day. Now she would never get that opportunity.

  “What am I to do now, Lord?” she called out in desperate prayer. “What am I to do?”

  Her whispered prayer lifted up into the night and disappeared into the emerging stars. A crescent moon hung bright and dipping just out of her reach.

  Everything was always out of her reach.

  Her baby. Tobias. Her mother. She could never have any of them back.

  Raesha came out onto the porch. “Josie?”

  Josie wiped at her eyes and lowered her head. “I am here.”

  Raesha sank down beside her and took Josie into her arms. “Gott’s will, Josie. Gott’s will.”

  Josie knew she should believe that and let things take their course, but how? How did she do that when the man she’d loved, the man who’d promised her a good life in Kentucky, was now here and he still wanted her?

  She lifted up and looked at Raesha. “How do I find my way? Tobias will not accept me once he knows the truth. How am I to survive with him living so close? How?”

  Raesha wiped at her own eyes. “We will be here to help you. This could be a gut thing. Tobias came all this way to find you, so he must still love you very much. You can take your time in deciding, but...what if you were honest with him?”

  “He’ll leave again and I will have to live with yet more heartache. I do not think I can bear any more, Raesha. No more.”

  Raesha stroked Josie’s damp cheek. “And yet you’d send him away without knowing what might have been. What plan Gott has for you and Tobias.”

  “I thought my plan was clear. To be content and safe here with Josiah and you, Naomi and...Dinah. Little Daniel, too.”

  “You are safe. We will not let anyone hurt you again. You know that is your brother’s only wish.”

  “Tobias could hurt me.”

  “Or he could heal you, Josie. He could heal you.”

  Josie lifted her head and glanced at the darkness. “I never imagined I’d see Tobias again.”

  “God imagined it,” Raesha replied. “He knows your pain. He wants you to find the peace you seek. His will always shows the way.”

  “So Tobias is here for a reason?”

  Raesha nodded. “He came to find you, and he’s willing to buy that house just to be near you. That’s what he told Josiah.”

  “Just to be near me.” She let that cover her like a warm blanket. “That might be all he will get if he lives right there.”

  “That might be enough,” Raesha said. “Enough to see what could happen.”

  She helped Josie stand. “Kumm and try to eat some supper. Naomi is concerned about you.”

  Josie nodded and wiped at her tears. “I’m not hungry but I will try. This is a big shock.”

  “I understand.”

  “Is Dinah all right? I heard her crying out.”

  Raesha smiled. “She is sound asleep again. A drink of water and a kiss, and she went back to bed.”

  Josie closed her eyes to the pain that sharpened each time she thought of all the nighttime kisses she’d had to give up in order to give her child a good life.

  How much more was she supposed to give?

  When they came back inside, Josiah breathed a sigh of relief. Without a word, he touched a hand to Josie’s arm. “I am sorry.”

  Josie nodded. “I did not mean to upset everyone.” She turned to Naomi. “I will take you back. You must be ready for bed.”

  Naomi shook her head. “Finish your supper and then we will go through.”

  To appease them, Josie took a few bites of the potpie Raesha had kept warm on the stove. But the food stuck in her throat and she finally pushed her plate away.

  Josiah almost said something, but his wife gave him a warning glance and he looked away. Raesha took her plate. “I’ll finish up here. Leftovers tomorrow for dinner.”

  Josie hugged her brother. “I will consider this and we will talk later. I do not know what I will do.”

  Josiah nodded, his dark brown eyes wide with worry. “Sleep, sister.”

  Josie doubted sleep would come. How could she shut her eyes without seeing all the images she’d tried so hard to put out of her mind? Her mother’s tears and screams. Dinah’s cries and needs. Tobias the last time she’d seen him, their last kiss.

  He had not known it was their last kiss. He still had hope.

  “I cannot wait to marry you,” he had whispered, his words breaking her heart as he talked about the new year coming. He went on and on about building a house, having their own land, how he’d continue with his woodwork and how he wanted to grow vegetables for restaurants.

  Josie had only smiled and touched his cheek. “I love you,” she’d said. “I love you and I know you will succeed with your dreams.”

  “I want to take care of you, Josie,” he’d told her. “I want you to have the best I can provide for you.”

  “I want that, too,” she’d replied, her mind in turmoil over all she would have to give up.

  Then she’d left in the middle of the cold, dark January night, her heart torn apart and a baby growing in her tummy.

  A baby who belonged to another man who had assaulted her and used her without any qualms and left her drugged and drowsy without even remembering her name.

  How could they ever reconcile with that between them?

  Chapter Four

  Tobias waited at the property the next day to see if Josiah Fisher would let him buy the place. A dark cloud hovered in the morning sky, threatening a good rain. But Tobias hardly noticed the weather.

  The more he’d thought about things, the more Tobias felt God had led him here to this spot for a reason. A reason that went beyond starting new.

  He wanted to go back. Back to the past and his life with Josie. They’d been happy and ready to get married. He’d had a solid plan to take over some of his father’s land and grow produce to sell to the local restaurants. He’d gotten all the permits and studied up on all the laws regarding homegrown organic foods. He’d sell his wood carvings on the side, too.

  Josie had approved all of it, and they’d laughed and planned their future. Until that January, when Josie had become quiet and pale, her moods shifting like the unpredictable winter winds. Something had been bothering her since before Christmas, but she refused to discuss it with Tobias. She kept telling him she loved him, her words almost desperate. What had she been hiding?

  The last night he’d seen her, she had been so sweet, but almost sad. “I wish Christmas could have lasted forever.”

  “We’ll have lots of Christmases together when we’r
e married,” he told her, his hand holding hers. He remembered how she trembled and stared out into the January sky.

  “I would like that.”

  “You will have that. We will celebrate all the seasons of life, Josie. I will always take care of you. Always.”

  She nodded, tears in her eyes. “I want that, too. To always be with you, Tobias. Only you.”

  She’d left him that January without any word of explanation, not even a goodbye note.

  For the last few years, Tobias had wondered why she’d left and where she had gone.

  Now she was so near but still far away from him. He thought he’d seen her last night with an older woman in a wheelchair. They’d moved along the open breezeway between the main house and the other smaller house behind it. A grossmammi haus, probably.

  The woman he’d spotted had stopped and stared for a brief moment. Josie?

  He stood now in almost the same place on the front porch of the Fisher house and glanced over at the neat, rambling Bawell property. A successful property with thriving livestock and a growing business.

  Maybe one day he’d have that, but right now he only wanted to see Josie.

  Overhead, lightning hit the sky and then thunder followed off in the distance. He’d get soaking wet trying to get to the taxi booth, but he’d needed to come back today to look this place over once more. He wanted to buy this house and land, and he felt that in an urgent way.

  He watched as Josiah Fisher came out of the big two-storied white house next door and began walking toward him. Had Josiah told Josie Tobias had come to buy the land and that he wanted to see her?

  Josiah met him on the porch, his expression as dark and grim as the sky behind him.

  “She doesn’t want me here, does she?” Tobias asked after seeing the sympathy in Josiah’s eyes.

  A soft blowing rain began and Josiah motioned to the empty house. “Let’s go inside before we get soaked.”

  Tobias followed Josiah into the house, hope washing away with each drop of rain. “Josie did not like my idea, nee?”

  Josiah paced around the small living area and then went to stare at the kitchen sink and check the stove.