The Adventures of Peregrine Pickle

by T. Smollett

  They set out in company, breakfast at Abbeville, dine at Amiens and,about eleven o'clock, arrive at Chantilly where Peregrine executes aPlan which he had concerted upon Hornbeck.

  The whole company by agreement rose and departed before day, andbreakfasted at Abbeville, where they became acquainted with the finesseof their Bernay landlord, who had imposed upon them, in affirming thatthey would not have been admitted after the gates were shut. From thencethey proceeded to Amiens, where they dined, and were pestered by beggingfriars; and the roads being deep, it was eleven o'clock at night beforethey reached Chantilly, where they found supper already dressed, inconsequence of having despatched the valet-de-chambre before them onhorseback.

  The constitution of Hornbeck being very much impaired by a life ofirregularity, he found himself so fatigued with his day's journey, whichamounted to upwards of a hundred miles, that when he sat down at table,he could scarce sit upright; and in less than three minutes began tonod in his chair. Peregrine, who had foreseen and provided for thisoccasion, advised him to exhilarate his spirits with a glass of wine;and the proposal being embraced, tipped his valet-de-chambre the wink,who, according to the instructions he had received, qualified theBurgundy with thirty drops of laudanum, which this unfortunatehusband swallowed in one glass. The dose, cooperating with his formerdrowsiness, lulled him so fast to sleep, as it were instantaneously,that it was found necessary to convey him to his own chamber, where hisfootman undressed and put him to bed: nor was Jolter (naturally of asluggish disposition) able to resist his propensity to sleep, withoutsuffering divers dreadful yawns, which encouraged his pupil toadminister the same dose to him, which had operated so successfully uponthe other Argus. This cordial had not such gentle effect upon the ruggedorgans of Jolter as upon the more delicate nerves of Hornbeck; butdiscovered itself in certain involuntary startings, and convulsivemotions in the muscles of his face; and when his nature at lengthyielded to the power of this medicine, he sounded the trumpet so loudthrough his nostrils, that our adventurer was afraid the noise wouldwake his other patient, and consequently the accomplishment of his aim.The governor was therefore committed to the care of Pipes, who luggedhim into the next room, and having stripped off his clothes, tumbled himinto his nest, while the two lovers remained at full liberty to indulgetheir mutual passion.

  Peregrine, in the impatience of his inclination, would have finishedthe fate of Hornbeck immediately; but his inamorata disapproved of hisintention, and represented that their being together by themselves forany length of time would be observed by her servant, who was kept as aspy upon her actions; so that they had recourse to another scheme whichwas executed in this manner. He conducted her into her own apartment inpresence of her footman, who lighted them thither, and wishing her goodrest, returned to his own chamber, where he waited till everything wasquiet in the house; then stealing softly to her door, which had beenleft open for his admission in the dark, he found the husband stillsecure in the embraces of sleep, and the lady in a loose gown, ready toseal his happiness. He conveyed her to his own chamber; but his guiltypassion was not gratified.

  The opium which had been given to Jolter, together with the wine he haddrunk, produced such a perturbation in his fancy, that he was visitedwith horrible dreams; and, among other miserable situations, imaginedhimself in danger of perishing in the flames, which he thought had takenhold on his apartment. This vision made such an impression upon hisfaculties, that he alarmed the whole house with repeated cries of "Fire!fire!" and even leaped out of his bed, though he still continued fastasleep. The lovers were very disagreeably disturbed by this dreadfulexclamation; and Mrs. Hornbeck, running in great confusion to the door,had the mortification to see the footman, with a light in his hand,enter her husband's chamber, in order to give him notice of thisaccident. She knew that she would be instantly missed, and could easilydivine the consequence, unless her invention could immediately trump upsome plausible excuse for her absence.

  Women are naturally fruitful of expedients in cases of such emergency:she employed but a few seconds in recollection, and, rushing directlytowards the apartment of the governor, who still continued to hallo inthe same note, exclaimed, in a screaming tone, "Lord have mercy upon us!where! where!" By this time, all the servants were assembled in strangeattire: Peregrine burst into Jolter's room, and seeing him stalking inhis shirt, with his eyes shut, bestowed such a slap upon his back, as ina moment dissolved his dream, and restored him to the use of his senses.He was astonished and ashamed at being discovered in such an indecentattitude; and, taking refuge under the clothes, asked pardon of allpresent for the disturbance he had occasioned; soliciting, with greathumility, the forgiveness of the lady, who, to a miracle, counterfeitedthe utmost agitation of terror and surprise. Meanwhile Hornbeck, beingawaked by the repeated efforts of his man, no sooner understood that hiswife was missing, than all the chimeras of jealousy taking possession ofhis imagination, he started up in a sort of frenzy, and, snatching hissword, flew straight to Peregrine's chamber; where, though he found notthat which he looked for, he unluckily perceived an under-petticoat,which his wife had forgot in the hurry of her retreat. This discoveryadded fuel to the flame of his resentment. He seized the fatal proof ofhis dishonour, and, meeting his spouse in her return to bed, presentedit to her view, with a most expressive countenance, "Madam, you havedropped your under-petticoat in the next room."

  Mrs. Hornbeck, who inherited from nature a most admirable presence ofmind, looked earnestly at the object in question, and, with incredibleserenity of countenance, affirmed that the petticoat must belong to thehouse, for she had none such in her possession. Peregrine, who walkedbehind her, hearing this asseveration, immediately interposed, andpulling Hornbeck by the sleeve into his chamber, "Gadszooks!" said he,"what business had you with that petticoat? Can't you let a young fellowenjoy a little amour with an innkeeper's daughter, without exposing hisinfirmities to your wife? Pshaw! that's so malicious, because you havequitted these adventures yourself, to spoil the sport of other people."

  The poor husband was so confounded at the effrontery of his wife, andthis cavalier declaration of the young man, that his faith began towaver; he distrusted his own conscious diffidence of temper, which, thathe might not expose, he expressed no doubts of Peregrine's veracity;but, asking pardon for the mistake he had committed, retired. He was notyet satisfied with the behaviour of his ingenious helpmate, but on thecontrary determined to inquire more minutely into the circumstances ofthis adventure, which turned out so little to his satisfaction, that heordered his servant to get everything ready for his departure by breakof day; and when our adventurer rose next morning, he found that hisfellow-travellers were gone above three hours, though they had agreedto stay all the forenoon, with a view of seeing the prince of Conde'spalace, and to proceed all together for Paris in the afternoon.

  Peregrine was a little chagrined, when he understood that he was sosuddenly deprived of this untasted morsel; and Jolter could not conceivethe meaning of their abrupt and uncivil disappearance, which, after manyprofound conjectures, he accounted for, by supposing that Hornbeckwas some sharper who had run away with an heiress, whom he found itnecessary to conceal from the inquiry of her friends. The pupil, whowas well assured of the true motive, allowed his governor to enjoy thetriumph of his own penetration, and consoled himself with the hope ofseeing his dulcinea again at some of the public places in Paris, whichhe proposed to frequent. Thus comforted, he visited the magnificentstables and palace of Chantilly, and immediately after dinner set outfor Paris, where they arrived in the evening, and hired apartments at anhotel in the Faubourg St. Germaine, not far from the playhouse.

  CHAPTER XXXIX.