The Adventures of Peregrine Pickle

by T. Smollett

  Peregrine artfully foments a Quarrel between Pallet and the Physician,who fight a Duel on the Ramparts.

  The painter betook himself to the house of the Flemish Raphael, andthe rest of the company went back to their lodgings; where the younggentleman, taking the advantage of being alone with the physician,recapitulated all the affronts he had sustained from the painter'spetulance, aggravating every circumstance of the disgrace, and advisinghim, in the capacity of a friend, to take care of his honour, whichcould not fail to suffer in the opinion of the world, if he allowedhimself to be insulted with impunity, by one so much his inferior inevery degree of consideration.

  The physician assured him, that Pallet had hitherto escapedchastisement, by being deemed an object unworthy his resentment, andin consideration of the wretch's family, for which his compassion wasinterested; but that repeated injuries would inflame the most benevolentdisposition. And, though he could find no precedent of duelling amongthe Greeks and Romans, whom he considered as the patterns of demeanour,Pallet should no longer avail himself of his veneration for theancients, but be punished for the very next offence he should commit.

  Having thus spirited up the doctor to a resolution from which he couldnot decently swerve, our adventurer acted the incendiary with the otherparty also; giving him to understand, that the physician treated hischaracter with such contempt, and behaved to him with such insolence, asno gentleman ought to bear: that, for his own part, he was every day putout of countenance by their mutual animosity, which appeared in nothingbut vulgar expressions, more becoming shoe-boys and oyster-womenthan men of honour and education; and therefore he should be obliged,contrary to his inclination, to break off all correspondence with themboth, if they would not fall upon some method to retrieve the dignity oftheir characters.

  These representations would have had little effect upon the timidity ofthe painter, who was likewise too much of a Grecian to approve of singlecombat, in any other way than that of boxing, an exercise in which hewas well skilled, had they not been accompanied with an insinuation,that his antagonist was no Hector, and that he might humble him into anyconcession, without running the least personal risk. Animated by thisassurance, our second Rubens set the trumpet of defiance to his mouth,swore he valued not his life a rush, when his honour was concerned, andentreated Mr. Pickle to be the bearer of a challenge, which he wouldinstantly commit to writing.

  The mischievous fomenter highly applauded this manifestation of courage,by which he was at liberty to cultivate his friendship and society,but declined the office of carrying the billet, that his tenderness ofPallet's reputation might not be misinterpreted into an officious desireof promoting quarrels. At the same time, he recommended Tom Pipes, notonly as a very proper messenger on this occasion, but also as a trustysecond in the field. The magnanimous painter took his advice, and,retiring to his chamber, penned a challenge in these terms:--

  "Sir,--When I am heartily provoked, I fear not the devil himself; much less--I will not call you a pedantic coxcomb, nor an unmannerly fellow, because these are the hippethets of the vulgar; but, remember, such as you are, I nyther love you nor fear you; but, on the contrary, expect satisfaction for your audacious behaviour to me on divers occasions; and will, this evening, in the twilight, meet you on the ramparts with sword and pistol, where the Lord have mercy on the soul of one of us, for your body shall find no favour with your incensed defier till death, "Layman Pallet."

  This resolute defiance, after having been submitted to the perusal, andhonoured with the approbation of our youth, was committed to the chargeof Pipes, who, according to his orders, delivered it in the afternoon;and brought for answer, that the physician would attend him at theappointed time and place. The challenger was evidently discomposed atthe unexpected news of this acceptance, and ran about the house ingreat disorder, in quest of Peregrine, to beg his further advice andassistance; but understanding that the youth was engaged in private withhis adversary, he began to suspect some collusion, and cursed himselffor his folly and precipitation. He even entertained some thoughtsof retracting his invitation, and submitting to the triumph of hisantagonist: but before he would stoop to this opprobrious condescension,he resolved to try another expedient, which might be the means of savingboth his character and person. In this hope he visited Mr. Jolter, andvery gravely desired he would be so good as to undertake the officeof his second in a duel which he was to fight that evening with thephysician.

  The governor, instead of answering his expectation, in expressingfear and concern, and breaking forth into exclamations of "Good God!gentlemen, what d'ye mean? You shall not murder one another while it isin my power to prevent your purpose. I will go directly to the governorof the place, who shall interpose his authority--I say--" insteadof these and other friendly menaces of prevention, Jolter heard theproposal with the most phlegmatic tranquility, and excused himself fromaccepting the honour he intended for him, on account of his characterand situation, which would not permit him to be concerned in any suchrencontres. Indeed, this mortifying reception was owing to a previoushint from Peregrine, who, dreading some sort of interruption from hisgovernor, had made him acquainted with his design, and assured him, thatthe affair should not be brought to any dangerous issue.

  Thus disappointed, the dejected challenger was overwhelmed withperplexity and dismay; and, in the terrors of death or mutilation,resolved to deprecate the wrath of his enemy, and conform to anysubmission he should propose, when he was accidentally encountered byour adventurer, who, with demonstrations of infinite satisfaction, toldhim in confidence, that the billet had thrown the doctor into an agonyof consternation; that his acceptance of his challenge was a mere effortof despair, calculated to confound the ferocity of the sender, anddispose him to listen to terms of accommodation; that he had impartedthe letter to him with fear and trembling, on pretence of engaging himas a second, but, in reality, with a view of obtaining his good officesin promoting a reconciliation; "but, perceiving the situation of hismind," added our hero, "I thought it would be more for your honour tobaffle his expectation, and therefore I readily undertook the task ofattending him to the field, in full assurance that he will there humblehimself before you, even to prostration. In this security, you may goand prepare your arms, and bespeak the assistance of Pipes, who willsquire you in the field, while I keep myself up, that our correspondencemay not be suspected by the physician." Pallet's spirits, that weresunk to dejection, rose at this encouragement to all the insolence oftriumph; he again declared his contempt of danger, and his pistols beingloaded and accommodated with new flints, by his trusty armour-bearer, hewaited, without flinching, for the hour of battle.

  On the first approach of twilight, somebody knocked at his door,and Pipes having opened it at his desire, he heard the voice of hisantagonist pronounce, "Tell Mr. Pallet that I am going to the placeof appointment." The painter was not a little surprised at thisanticipation, which so ill agreed with the information he had receivedfrom Pickle; and his concern beginning to recur, he fortified himselfwith a large bumper of brandy, which, however, did not overcome theanxiety of his thoughts. Nevertheless, he set out on the expedition withhis second, betwixt whom and himself the following dialogue passed, intheir way to the ramparts.

  "Mr. Pipes," said the painter, with disordered accent, "methinks thedoctor was in a pestilent hurry with that message of his."--"Ey, ey,"answered Tom, "I do suppose he longs to be foul of you."--"What,"replied the other, "d'ye think he thirsts after my blood?"--"To be surea does," said Pipes, thrusting a large quid of tobacco in his check,with great deliberation. "If that be the case," cried Pallet, beginningto shake, "he is no better than a cannibal, and no Christian ought tofight him on equal footing." Tom observing his emotion, eyed him with afrown of indignation, saying, "You an't afraid, are you?"--"God forbid,"replied the challenger, stammering with fear; "what should I be afraidof? The worst he can do is to take my life, and then he'll be answerablebo
th to God and man for the murder. Don't you think he will?"--"I thinkno such matter," answered the second; "if so be as how he puts a braceof bullets through your bows, and kills you fairly, it is no more murderthan if I was to bring down a noddy from the main top-sail yard."

  By this time Pallet's teeth chattered with such violence, that he couldscarce pronounce this reply: "Mr. Thomas, you seem to make very lightof a man's life; but I trust in the Almighty. I shall not be so easilybrought down. Sure many a man has fought a duel without losing his life.Do you imagine that I run such a hazard of falling by the hand of myadversary?"--"You may or you may not," said the unconcerned Pipes, "justas it happens. What then? Death is a debt that every man owes, accordingto the song; and if you set foot to foot, I think one of you must goto pot."--"Foot to foot!" exclaimed the terrified painter: "that'sdownright butchery; and I'll be d-- before I fight any man on earth insuch a barbarous way. What! d'ye take me to be a savage beast?" Thisdeclaration he made while they ascended the ramparts.

  His attendant perceiving the physician and his second at the distanceof a hundred paces before them, gave him notice of their appearance,and advised him to make ready, and behave like a man. Pallet in vainendeavoured to conceal his panic, which discovered itself in a universaltrepidation of body, and the lamentable tone in which he answered thisexhortation of Pipes, saying, "I do behave like a man; but you wouldhave me act the part of a brute. Are they coming this way?" When Tomtold him that they had faced about, and admonished him to advance,the nerves of his arm refused their office, he could not hold out hispistol, and instead of going forward, retreated with an insensibilityof motion; till Pipes, placing himself in the rear, set his own back tothat of his principal, and swore he should not budge an inch farther inthat direction.

  While the valet thus tutored the painter, his master enjoyed the terrorsof the physician, which were more ridiculous than those of Pallet,because he was more intent upon disguising them. His declaration toPickle in the morning would not suffer him to start any objections whenhe received the challenge; and finding that the young gentleman madeno offer of mediating the affair, but rather congratulated him on theoccasion, when he communicated the painter's billet, all his effortsconsisted in oblique hints, and general reflections upon the absurdityof duelling, which was first introduced among civilised nations by thebarbarous Huns and Longobards. He likewise pretended to ridicule the useof firearms, which confounded all the distinctions of skill and address,and deprived a combatant of the opportunity of signalizing his personalprowess.

  Pickle assented to the justness of his observations; but, at the sametime, represented the necessity of complying with the customs of thisworld, ridiculous as they were, on which a man's honour and reputationdepend: so that, seeing no hopes of profiting by that artifice, therepublican's agitation became more and more remarkable; and he proposed,in plain terms, that they should contend in armour, like the combatantsof ancient days; for it was but reasonable that they should practisethe manner of fighting, since they adopted the disposition of those irontimes.

  Nothing could have afforded more diversion to our hero than the sight oftwo such duellists cased in iron; and he wished that he had promoted thequarrel in Brussels, where he could have hired the armour of Charles theFifth, and the valiant Duke of Parma, for their accommodation; but asthere was no possibility of furnishing them cap-a-pie at Antwerp, hepersuaded him to conform to the modern use of the sword, and meet thepainter on his own terms; and suspecting that his fear would supply himwith other excuses for declining the combat, he comforted him with somedistant insinuations, to the prejudice of his adversary's courage, whichwould, in all probability, evaporate before any mischief could happen.

  Notwithstanding this encouragement, he could not suppress the reluctancewith which he went to the field, and cast many a wishful look over hisleft shoulder, to see whether or not his adversary was at his heels.When, by the advice of his second, he took possession of the ground, andturned about with his face to the enemy, it was not so dark, but thatPeregrine could perceive the unusual paleness of his countenance, andthe sweat standing in large drops upon his forehead; nay, there was amanifest disorder in his speech, when he regretted his want of the pilaand parma, with which he would have made a rattling noise, to astonishhis foe, in springing forward, and singing the hymn to battle, in themanner of the ancients.

  In the meantime, observing the hesitation of his antagonist, who, farfrom advancing, seemed to recoil, and even struggle with his second, heguessed the situation of the painter's thoughts, and, collecting all themanhood that he possessed, seized the opportunity of profiting byhis enemy's consternation. Striking his sword and pistol together, headvanced in a sort of trot, raising a loud howl, in which he repeated,in lieu of the Spartan song, part of the strophe from one of Pindar'sPythia, beginning with ek theon gar makanoi pasai Broteais aretais,etc. This imitation of the Greeks had all the desired effect upon thepainter, who seeing the physician running towards him like a fury, witha pistol in his right hand, which was extended, and hearing the dreadfulyell he uttered, and the outlandish words he pronounced, was seizedwith a universal palsy of his limbs. He would have dropped down uponthe ground, had not Pipes supported and encouraged him to stand upon hisdefence. The doctor, contrary to his expectation, finding that he hadnot flinched from the spot, though he had now performed one half of hiscareer, put in practice his last effort, by firing his pistol, the noiseof which no sooner reached the ears of the affrighted painter, thanhe recommended his soul to God, and roared for mercy with greatvociferation.

  The republican, overjoyed at this exclamation, commanded him to yield,and surrender his arms, on pain of immediate death; upon which he threwaway his pistols and sword, in spite of all the admonitions and eventhreats of his second, who left him to his fate, and went up to hismaster, stopping his nose with signs of loathing and abhorrence.

  The victor, having won the spolia opima, granted him his life, oncondition that he would on his knees supplicate his pardon, acknowledgehimself inferior to his conqueror in every virtue and qualification, andpromise for the future to merit his favour by submission and respect.These insolent terms were readily embraced by the unfortunatechallenger, who fairly owned, that he was not at all calculated for thepurposes of war, and that henceforth he would contend with no weaponbut his pencil. He begged with great humility, that Mr. Pickle would notthink the worse of his morals for this defect of courage, which was anatural infirmity inherited from his father, and suspend his opinion ofhis talents, until he should have an opportunity of contemplating thecharms of his Cleopatra, which would be finished in less than threemonths.

  Our hero observed, with an affected air of displeasure, that no mancould be justly condemned for being subject to the impressions of fear,and therefore his cowardice might easily be forgiven: but there wassomething so presumptuous, dishonest, and disingenuous, in arrogatinga quality to which he knew he had not the smallest pretension, thathe could not forget his misbehaviour all at once, though he wouldcondescend to communicate with him as formerly, in hopes of seekinga reformation in his conduct. Pallet protested, that there was nodissimulation in the case; for he was ignorant of his own weakness,until his resolution was put to the trial: he faithfully promisedto demean himself, during the remaining part of the tour, with thatconscious modesty and penitence which became a person in his condition;and, for the present, implored the assistance of Mr. Pipes, indisembarrassing him from the disagreeable consequence of his fear.

  CHAPTER LXIV.