The Adventures of Peregrine Pickle

by T. Smollett

  Peregrine and his friend Cadwallader proceed in the Exercise of theMystery of Fortune-telling, in the course of which they achieve variousAdventures.

  These preliminaries being adjusted, our hero forthwith repaired to acard assembly, which was frequented by some of the most notable gossipsin town, and, having artfully turned the conversation upon the subjectof the fortune-teller, whose talents he pretended to ridicule, incensedtheir itch of knowing secrets to such a degree of impatience, that theircuriosity became flagrant, and he took it for granted, that all or someof them would visit Albumazar on his very first visiting-day. WhilePeregrine was thus engaged, his associate made his appearance in anotherconvocation of fashionable people, where he soon had the pleasure ofhearing the conjurer brought upon the carpet by an elderly gentlewoman,remarkable for her inquisitive disposition, who, addressing herselfto Cadwallader, asked, by the help of the finger-alphabet, if he knewanything of the magician that made such a noise in town. The misanthropeanswered, as usual, in a surly tone: "By your question you must eithertake me for a pimp or an idiot. What, in the name of nonsense, shouldI know of such a rascal, unless I were to court his acquaintance with aview to feast my own spleen, in seeing him fool the whole nation outof their money? Though, I suppose, his chief profits arise from hispractice, in quality of pander. All fortune-tellers are bawds, and, forthat reason, are so much followed by people of fashion. This fellow,I warrant, has got sundry convenient apartments for the benefit ofprocreation; for it is not to be supposed that those who visit him onthe pretence of consulting his supernatural art, can be such fools,such drivellers, as to believe that he can actually prognosticate futureevents."

  The company, according to his expectation, imputed his remarks to therancour of his disposition, which could not bear to think that anyperson upon earth was wiser than himself; and his ears were regaled witha thousand instances of the conjurer's wonderful prescience, for whichhe was altogether indebted to fiction. Some of these specimens beingcommunicated to him by way of appeal to his opinion, "They are,"said he, "mere phantoms of ignorance and credulity, swelled up in therepetition, like those unsubstantial bubbles which the boys blow up insoap-suds with a tobacco-pipe. And this will ever be the case in thepropagation of all extraordinary intelligence. The imagination naturallymagnifies every object that falls under its cognizance, especiallythose that concern the passions of fear and admiration; and when theoccurrence comes to be rehearsed, the vanity of the relater exaggeratesevery circumstance in order to enhance the importance of thecommunication. Thus an incident, which is but barely uncommon, oftengains such accession in its progress through the fancies and mouthsof those who represent it, that the original fact cannot possibly bedistinguished. This observation might be proved and illustrated bya thousand undeniable examples, out of which I shall only select oneinstance, for the entertainment and edification of the company." A veryhonest gentleman, remarkable for the gravity of his deportment, was oneday in a certain coffee-house accosted by one of his particular friends,who, taking him by the hand, expressed uncommon satisfaction in seeinghim abroad, and in good health, after the dangerous and portentousmalady he had undergone. Surprised at this salutation, the gentlemanreplied, it was true he had been a little out of order overnight, butthere was nothing at all extraordinary in his indisposition. "Jesu! notextraordinary!" cried the other, "when you vomited three black crows."This strange exclamation the grave gentleman at first mistook forraillery, though his friend was no joker; but, perceiving in him all themarks of sincerity and astonishment, he suddenly changed his opinion,and, after a short reverie, taking him aside, expressed himself in thesewords: "Sir, it is not unknown to you that I am at present engaged in atreaty of marriage, which would have been settled long ago, had itnot been retarded by the repeated machinations of a certain person whoprofessed himself my rival. Now I am fully persuaded that this affair ofthe three crows is a story of his invention, calculated to prejudice mein the opinion of the lady, who, to be sure, would not choose to marry aman who has a rookery in his bowels; and, therefore, I must insist uponknowing the author of this scandalous report, that I may be able tovindicate my character from the malicious aspersion." His friend, whothought the demand was very reasonable, told him, without hesitation,that he was made acquainted with the circumstances of his distemper byMr. Such-a-one, their common acquaintance: upon which the person whoconceived himself injured went immediately in quest of his supposeddefamer, and having found him: "Pray, sir," said he, with a peremptorytone, "who told you that I vomited three black crows?"--"Three?"answered the gentleman, "I mentioned two only."--"Zounds! Sir," criedthe other, incensed at his indifference, "you will find the two toomany, if you refuse to discover the villainous source of such calumny."The gentleman, surprised at his heat, said he was sorry to find he hadbeen the accidental instrument of giving him offence, but translatedthe blame, if any there was, from himself to a third person, towhose information he owed his knowledge of the report. The plaintiff,according to the direction he received, repaired to the house of theaccused; and his indignation being inflamed at finding the story hadalready circulated among his acquaintance, he told him, with evidentmarks of displeasure, that he was come to pluck the same brace of crowswhich he said he had disgorged. The defendant, seeing him very muchirritated, positively denied that he had mentioned a brace: "Oneindeed," said he, "I own I took notice of, upon the authority of yourown physician, who gave me an account of it this morning."--"By theLord!" cried the sufferer, in a rage, which he could no longer contain,"that rascal has been suborned by my rival to slander my character inthis manner: but I'll be revenged, if there be either law or equity inEngland." He had scarce pronounced these words, when the doctor happenedto enter the room: when his exasperated patient lifting up his cane,"Sirrah," said he, "if I live, I'll make that black crow the blackestcircumstance of thy whole life and conversation." The physician,confounded at this address, assured him that he was utterly ignorantof his meaning, and, when the other gentleman explained it, absolutelydenied the charge, affirming he had said no more than that he hadvomited a quantity of something as black as a crow. The landlord of thehouse acknowledged that he might have been mistaken; and thus the wholemystery was explained.

  The company seeming to relish the story of the three black crows, whichthey considered as an impromptu of Cadwallader's own invention; but,granting it to be true, they unanimously declared that it could have noweight in invalidating the testimony of divers persons of honour, whohad been witnesses of the magician's supernatural skill. On the nextday of consultation, the necromancer being in the chair, and his friendbehind the curtain, the outward door was scarce opened, when a femalevisitant flounced in, and discovered to the magician the features of oneof those inquisitive ladies, whose curiosity, he knew, his confederatehad aroused in the matter above described. She addressed herself to himwith a familiar air, observing, that she had heard much of his greatknowledge, and was come to be a witness of his art, which she desiredhim to display, in declaring what he knew to be her ruling passion.

  Cadwallader, who was no stranger to her disposition, assumed the penwithout hesitation, and furnished her with an answer, importing, thatthe love of money predominated, and scandal possessed the next placein her heart. Far from being offended at his freedom, she commendedhis frankness with a smile; and, satisfied of his uncommon talents,expressed a desire of being better acquainted with his person; nay,she began to catechise him upon the private history of divers greatfamilies, in which he happened to be well versed: and he, in amysterious manner, dropped such artful hints of his knowledge, thatshe was amazed at his capacity, and actually asked if his art wascommunicable. The conjurer replied in the affirmative; but, at the sametime, gave her to understand, that it was attainable by those only whowere pure and undefiled in point of chastity and honour, or such as, bya long course of penitence, had weaned themselves from all attachmentsto the flesh. She not only disapproved, but seemed to doubt the truthof this assertion; telling him, with a look of disda
in, that his artwas not worth having, if one could not use it for the benefit ofone's pleasure; she had even penetration enough to take notice ofan inconsistency in what he had advanced; and asked, why he himselfexercised his knowledge for hire, if he was so much detached from allworldly concerns. "Come, come, doctor," added she, "you are in the rightto be cautious against impertinent curiosity, but, perhaps, I may makeit worth your while to be communicative."

  These overtures were interrupted by a rap at the door, signifying theapproach of another client; upon which the lady inquired for his privatepassage, through which she might retire, without the risk of being seen.When she understood he was deficient in that convenience, she withdrewinto an empty room adjoining to the audience-chamber, in order toconceal herself from the observation of the new-comer. This was no otherthan the inamorata, who came, by appointment, to receive the solution ofher doubts; and the misanthrope, glad of an opportunity to expose her tothe censure of such an indefatigable minister of fame as the personwho he knew would listen from the next apartment, laid her under thenecessity of refreshing his remembrance with a recapitulation of herformer confession, which was almost finished, when she was alarmed by anoise at the door, occasioned by two gentlemen, who attempted to enterby force.

  Terrified at this uproar, which disconcerted the magician himself, sheran for shelter into the place which was preoccupied by the other lady,who, hearing this disturbance, had closed the window-shutters, that shemight have the better chance of remaining unknown. Here they ensconcedthemselves in the utmost consternation, while the necromancer, aftersome recollection, ordered Hadgi to open the door, and admit therioters, who, he hoped, would be over-awed by the authority of hisappearance. The janitor had no sooner obeyed his instructions, thanin rushed a young libertine, who had been for some time upon the town,together with his tutor, who was a worn-out debauchee, well known tothe magician. They were both in that degree of intoxication necessary toprepare such dispositions for what they commonly call frolics, and thesober part of mankind feel to be extravagant outrages against thelaws of their country, and the peace of their fellow-subjects. Havingstaggered up to the table, the senior, who undertook to be spokesman,saluted Cadwallader with, "How dost do, old Capricorn? Thou seem'stto be a most venerable pimp, and, I doubt not, hast abundance ofdiscretion. Here is this young whoremaster, a true chip of the oldvenereal block his father, and myself, come for a comfortable castof thy function. I don't mean that stale pretence of conjuring--d--futurity; let us live for the present, old Haly. Conjure me up a coupleof hale wenches, and I warrant we shall get into the magic circle in atwinkling. What says Galileo? What says the Reverend Brahe? Here is apurse, you pimp. Hark, how it chinks! This is sweeter than the music ofspheres."

  Our necromancer, perplexed at this rencontre, made no reply; but, takingup his wand, waved it around his head in a very mysterious motion, witha view of intimidating these forward visitants, who, far from being awedby this sort of evolution, became more and more obstreperous, and eventhreatened to pull him by the beard, if he would not immediately complywith their desire. Had he called his associate, or even Hadgi, to hisaid, he knew he could have soon calmed their turbulence; but, beingunwilling to run the risk of a discovery, or even of a riot, hebethought himself of chastising their insolence in another manner, thatwould be less hazardous, and rather more effectual. In consequence ofthis suggestion, he pointed his wand towards the door of theapartment in which the ladies had taken sanctuary; and the two rakes,understanding the hint, rushed in without hesitation.

  The females, finding their place of retreat taken by assault, ran aboutthe room in great consternation, and were immediately taken prisonersby the assailants, who, pulling them towards the windows, opened theshutters at the same instant of time, when, strange to tell! one of theheroes discovered in the prize he had made, the very wife of his bosom;and his companion perceived that he had stumbled in the dark uponhis own mother. Their mutual astonishment was unspeakable at thiseclaircissement, which produced a universal silence for the spaceof several minutes. During this pause, the ladies having recollectedthemselves, an expostulation was begun by the elder of the two, whoroundly took her son to task for his disorderly life, which laid herunder the disagreeable necessity of watching his motions, and detectinghim in such an infamous place.

  While the careful mother thus exercised her talent for reprehension,the hopeful young gentleman, with a hand in each fob, stood whistlingan opera tune, without seeming to pay the most profound regard to hisparent's reproof; and the other lady, in imitation of such a consummatepattern, began to open upon her husband, whom she bitterly reproachedwith his looseness and intemperance, demanding to know what he had toallege in alleviation of his present misconduct. The surprise occasionedby such an unexpected meeting, had already, in a great measure,destroyed the effects of the wine he had so plentifully drunk, andthe first use he made of his recovered sobriety, was to revolve withinhimself the motives that could possibly induce his wife to give himthe rendezvous in this manner. As he had good reason to believe shewas utterly void of jealousy, he naturally placed this rencontre to theaccount of another passion; and his chagrin was not at all impaired bythe effrontery with which she now presumed to reprimand him. He listenedto her, therefore, with a grave, or rather grim, aspect; and to thequestion with which she concluded her rebuke, answered, with greatcomposure, "All that I have to allege, madam, is, that the bawd hascommitted a mistake, in consequence of which we are both disappointed;and so, ladies, your humble servant." So saying, he retired, withmanifest confusion in his looks; and, as he passed through theaudience-chamber, eyeing the conjurer askance, pronounced the epithetof precious rascal, with great emphasis. Meanwhile, the junior, likea dutiful child, handed his mamma to her chair; and the other client,after having reviled the necromancer, because he could not foresee thisevent, went away in a state of mortification.

  The coast being clear, Peregrine came forth from his den, andcongratulated his friend upon the peaceable issue of the adventure,which he had overheard; but, that he might not be exposed to suchinconvenience for the future, they resolved, that a grate should befixed in the middle of the outward door, through which the conjurerhimself might reconnoitre all the visitants, before their admission; sothat, to those whose appearance he might not like, Hadgi should, withoutopening, give notice, that his master was engaged. By this expedienttoo, they provided against those difficulties which Cadwallader musthave encountered, in giving satisfaction to strangers, whom he did notknow: for the original intention of the founders was to confine thepractice of their art to people of fashion only, most of whom werepersonally known to the counterfeit magician and his coadjutors.

  Indeed these associates, Cadwallader in particular, notwithstanding hisboasted insight into the characters of life, never imagined that hispretended skill would be consulted by any but the weaker-minded ofthe female sex, incited by that spirit of curiosity which he knew wasimplanted in their nature; but, in the course of his practice, he foundhimself cultivated in his preternatural capacity by people of all sexes,complexions, and degrees of reputation, and had occasion to observe,that, when the passions are concerned, howsoever cool, cautious, anddeliberate the disposition may otherwise be, there is nothing so idle,frivolous, or absurd, to which they will not apply for encouragementand gratification. The last occurrence, according to the hopes andexpectation of the confederates, was whispered about by the ladiesconcerned, in such a manner, that the whole affair was in a few days theuniversal topic of discourse, in which it was retailed with numberlessembellishments, invented by the parties themselves, who had longindulged a pique at each other, and took this opportunity of enjoyingtheir revenge.

  These incidents, while they regaled the spleen, at the same timeaugmented the renown of the conjurer, who was described on both sides asa very extraordinary person in his way; and the alteration in his doorwas no sooner performed, than he had occasion to avail himself of it,against the intrusion of a great many, with whom he would have found it
very difficult to support the fame he had acquired.

  Among those who appeared at his grate, he perceived a certain clergyman,whom he had long known a humble attendant on the great, and with somethe reputed minister of their pleasures. This Levite had disguisedhimself in a greatcoat, boots, and dress quite foreign to the habitworn by those of his function; and, being admitted, attempted to imposehimself as a country squire upon the conjurer, who, calling him by hisname, desired him to sit down. This reception corresponding with thereport he had heard, touching our magician's art, the doctor said hewould lay aside all dissimulation. After having professed an implicitbelief, that his supernatural knowledge did not proceed from anycommunication with evil spirits, but was the immediate gift of Heaven,he declared the intention of his coming, was to inquire into the healthof a good friend and brother of his, who possessed a certain living inthe country, which he named; and, as he was old and infirm, to know whatspace of time was allotted to him in this frail state of mortality, thathe might have the melancholy satisfaction of attending him in his lastmoments, and assisting him in his preparations for eternity.

  The conjurer, who at once perceived the purport of this question,after a solemn pause, during which he seemed absorbed in contemplation,delivered this response to his consulter: "Though I foresee someoccurrences, I do not pretend to be omniscient. I know not to what agethat clergyman's life will extend; but so far I can penetrate intothe womb of time, as to discern, that the incumbent will survive hisintended successor." This dreadful sentence in a moment banished theblood from the face of the appalled consulter, who, hearing his own doompronounced, began to tremble in every joint; he lifted up his eyes inthe agony of fear, and saying, "The will of God be done," withdrew insilent despondence, his teeth chattering with terror and dismay.

  This client was succeeded by an old man about the age of seventy-five,who, being resolved to purchase a lease, desired to be determined in theterm of years by the necromancer's advice, observing, that, as he hadno children of his own body, and had no regard for his heirs-at-law,the purchase would be made with a view to his own convenience only; andtherefore, considering his age, he himself hesitated in the period ofthe lease, between thirty and three-score years.

  The conjurer, upon due deliberation, advised him to double the lastspecified term, because he distinguished in his features somethingportending extreme old age and second childhood, and he ought to providefor that state of incapacity, which other-wise would be attended withinfinite misery and affliction. The superannuated wretch, thunderstruckwith this prediction, held up his hands, and in the first transportsof his apprehension, exclaimed, "Lord have mercy upon me! I have notwherewithal to purchase such a long lease, and I have long outlived allmy friends; what then must become of me, sinner that I am, one hundredand twenty years hence!" Cadwallader, who enjoyed his terror,under pretence of alleviating his concern, told him that what he hadprognosticated did not deprive him of the means which he and everyperson had in their power, to curtail a life of misfortune; and the oldgentleman went away, seemingly comforted with the assurance, thatit would always be in his power to employ an halter for his owndeliverance.

  Soon after the retreat of this elder, the magician was visited by oneof those worthies known among the Romans by the appellation ofhaeredipetae, who had amassed a large for-tune by a close attentionto the immediate wants and weakness of raw, inexperienced heirs.This honourable usurer had sold an annuity upon the life of a youngspendthrift, being thereto induced by the affirmation of his physician,who had assured him his patient's constitution was so rotten, that hecould not live one year to an end. He had, nevertheless, made shift toweather eighteen months, and now seemed more vigorous and healthythan he had ever been known: for he was supposed to have nourished anhereditary pox from his cradle. Alarmed at this alteration, the sellercame to consult Cadwallader, not only about the life of the annuitant,but also concerning the state of his health at the time of hispurchasing the annuity, purposing to sue the physician for falseintelligence, should the conjurer declare that the young man wassound when the doctor pronounced him diseased. But this was a piece ofsatisfaction he did not obtain from the misanthrope, who, in orderto punish his sordid disposition, gave him to understand, that thephysician had told him the truth, and nothing but the truth; and thatthe young gentleman was in a fair way of attaining a comfortable oldage. "That is to say," cried the client, in the impatience of hismortification at this answer, "bating accidents; for, thank God, theannuitant does not lead the most regular life. Besides, I am crediblyinformed he is choleric and rash, so that he may be concerned in a duel.Then there are such things as riots in the street, in which a rake'sskull may be casually cracked; he may be overturned in a coach, oversetin the river, thrown from a vicious horse, overtaken with a cold,endangered by a surfeit; but what I place my chief confidence in, is anhearty pox, a distemper which hath been fatal to his whole family. Notbut that the issue of all these things is uncertain, and expedientsmight be found which would more effectually answer the purpose. I knowthey have arts in India, by which a man can secure his own interest, inthe salutation of a friendly shake by the hand; and I don't doubt thatyou, who have lived in that country, are master of the secret. To besure, if you were inclined to communicate such a nostrum, there areabundance of people who would purchase it at a very high price."

  Cadwallader understood this insinuation, and was tempted to amuse himin such a manner as would tend to his disgrace and confusion; but,considering that the case was of too criminal a nature to be tamperedwith, he withstood his desire of punishing this rapacious cormorant anyother way than by telling him he would not impart the secret for hiswhole for-tune ten times doubled; so that the usurer retired, very muchdissatisfied with the issue of his consultation.

  The next person who presented himself at this altar of intelligence,was an author, who recommended himself to a gratis advice, by observing,that a prophet and poet were known by the same appellation among theancients; and that, at this day, both the one and the other spoke byinspiration. The conjurer refused to own this affinity, which, he said,formerly subsisted, because both species of the vates were the childrenof fiction; but as he himself did not fall under that predicament, hebegged leave to disown all connection with the family of the poets; andthe poor author would have been dismissed without his errand, though heoffered to leave an ode as security for the magician's fee, to bepaid from the profits of his first third night, had not Cadwallader'scuriosity prompted him to know the subject of this gentleman's inquiry.He therefore told him, that, in consideration of his genius, he wouldfor once satisfy him without a fee; and desired him to specify thedoubts in which he wished to be resolved.

  The son of Parnassus, glad of this condescension, for which he thankedthe necromancer, gave him to understand, that he had some time beforepresented a play in manuscript to a certain great man, at the head oftaste, who had not only read and approved the performance, but alsoundertaken to introduce and support it on the stage; that he, theauthor, was assured by this patron, that the play was already, inconsequence of his recommendation, accepted by one of the managers, whohad faithfully promised to bring it to light; but that, when he waitedon this said manager, to know when he intended to put his productionin rehearsal, the man declared he had never seen or heard of the piece."Now, Mr. Conjurer," said he, "I want to know whether or not my play hasbeen presented, and if I have any sort of chance of seeing it acted thiswinter."

  Cadwallader, who had, in his younger days, sported among the theatricalmuses, began to lose his temper at this question, which recalled theremembrance of his own disappointments; and despatched the authorwith an abrupt answer, importing that the affairs of the stage werealtogether without the sphere of his divination, being entirelyregulated by the daemons of dissimulation, ignorance, and caprice.

  It would be an endless task to recount every individual responsewhich our magician delivered in the course of his conjuration. He wasconsulted in all cases of law, physic, and trade, over and
above theordinary subjects of marriage and fornication; his advice and assistancewere solicited by sharpers, who desired to possess an infallible methodof cheating unperceived; by fortune-hunters, who wanted to make prize ofwidows and heiresses; by debauchees, who were disposed to be with othermen's wives; by coxcombs, who longed for the death of their fathers;by wenches with child, who wished themselves rid of their burdens; bymerchants, who had insured above value, and thirsted after the news of awreck; by underwriters, who prayed for the gift of prescience, that theymight venture money upon such ships only as should perform the voyagein safety; by Jews, who wanted to foresee the fluctuations of stock; byusurers, who advance money upon undecided causes; by clients, whowere dubious of the honesty of their counsel. In short, all mattersof uncertain issue were appealed to this tribunal; and, in point ofcalculation, De Moivre was utterly neglected.

  CHAPTER LXXXIV.