Merry Little Lies

by Addison Lloyd

  Christmas was a luxury our family really couldn't afford. It was especially difficult after Teddy first got sick. My mom acted like everything was normal. She was just trying to make Teddy feel better. Keep things as close to normal as she could. He was in and out of the hospital taking drugs that made him weak and sick. Mom finally had to quit her job just to take care of him. We couldn’t afford a full-time nurse. My dad made enough, or so we thought. I found out later that credit cards were used to pay off medical bills, pay for things we needed, and give us a normal Christmas. At least until they got maxed out.

  I pushed those thoughts away. I needed to focus on not getting run over by crazy shoppers.

  Carli pulled me from store to store trying on outfits in between buying presents for others. At one point she even pulled me into Victoria's Secret.

  “This is the last place I want to be,” I said, yanking my arm away the first chance I got.

  “They have a fifty percent off sale.”

  “Right,” I said with a nod. “On stuff they marked up for Christmas.”

  “You don't know that.”

  “Everybody knows that.”

  “You're such a grinch.”

  “No, Carli. I just have no interest in being in a female clothing store.”

  She rolled her eyes and proceeded to sift through the bins.

  “Who are you shopping for in here, Carli?”

  She smiled as she held up a pair of red lacy underwear. “Rob.”

  “Oh, my God. I don't even want to know.” This was not happening. “I'll wait for you outside.”

  She stepped in front of me. “No, Ce. I'm just kidding about these.” She threw the underwear back in the bin “You gotta help me.”

  We waded through the sea of bodies and I tried to ignore the bras and panties that seemed to be everywhere. We finally reached her destination. A display standing next to rows and rows of perfume.

  “Smell this,” she said.

  “This smell nice, I guess.”

  “But is it exciting?”

  “It's a women's scent, Carli. Do you not get the whole gay thing? I know I pretended to be your straight boyfriend so I can see how that might get confusing. Here, let me explain it to you. I can use pictures if you want.”

  “Shut up.” she said, smacking me on the arm, “Do you think Rob will like it?”

  “It doesn’t really match his style.”

  “Ce. I swear to God…”

  I wrapped my arm around her. “I’m just giving you crap. He’ll love it. Now can we go?”

  But for some reason it reminded me of Aaron and his expensive cologne. “How much does it cost?”

  She turned it over so she could see the price. Her mouth dropped open. “Are you kidding me?”

  “But it’s fifty percent off.”

  “Fifty percent off is still too much.” She placed it back on the shelf. “I don’t know what to get him. What’s he getting me?” She blinked at me innocently.

  “Nope.”

  And then we were on to another store.

  We ended up in a high-priced department store. One I usually avoided because it was just depressing. We made our way to the makeup counter where Carli checked out foundation or blush or something that went on her face. I wandered over to the fragrance section stopping at men’s cologne. I shouldn't do this. It was a rabbit hole I did not need to go down, but I couldn't stop myself. I tried several of the testers, trying to remember the name of Aaron’s cologne. “I'm looking for a cologne,” I said to a girl, Laci, according to her name tag. who suddenly appeared by my side. “I think it starts with the letter A.”

  “Absolution?”

  “Hmmm.” It was on the tip of my tongue. Why couldn’t I remember?

  “Aggression?”

  “Is that really a thing?”

  “You’d be surprised. What’s your name?”

  “Cian.”

  “Cian. Do you know the designer?”

  Did I? “Nope.” I glanced over the bottles. If there just wasn’t so many of them. But I remember thinking it was a perfect scent for him. I studied the different shaped bottles again. Allure. Eternity. Obsession. The One. Nope. No help at all.

  “I could spray some for you.”

  “I don’t want to bother you.”

  “It’s my job silly,” she said with a laugh.

  But I wouldn’t be buying anything, so I’d be wasting her time for no good reason.

  Then I saw it. “Hero. That’s the one.”

  The name fit him perfectly.

  “Do you want to wear it or on a card?”

  Thinking about how I’d explain wearing expensive cologne to Carli, especially after giving her a hard time, made my decision easier. “Card.”

  She sprayed the cologne and handed it to me.

  It smelled amazing. I swear to God, if I'd had the money, I would've splurged on it right then. It brought back memories. The feel of his hands on my face. The touch of his lips. The skin on his neck right below his ear. But it wasn’t quite right. It was missing something. It was missing him. I closed my eyes either to get control of my reactions or hold on tighter to the memories. I didn’t know. My mind was a mess of feelings I didn’t want to examine.

  “This is a good choice,” she said. “Is that the one he wears?”

  “What? I don’t know what you mean.”

  Her smile widened. “The guy your crushing on,” she said, leaning in closer. “Trust me. We’ve all been there. What’s his name?”

  I glanced around making sure Carli wasn’t around. “Aaron.”

  “It’s on sale.”

  I held up the bottle, and actually gasped at the price tag. This could have fixed my car and then some. I shook my head, defeated. “Thanks,” I said, stepping away.

  “Do you want a sample?”

  I stopped and turned back. “You can do that?”

  “In some cases. It’s supposed to be incentive to come back for more.”

  I could see how that would work, but I didn’t want to lie to her. “I can’t afford it,” I said. “I won’t be coming back.”

  “They don’t know that.” She gave me a tiny bottle, more like a mini test tube, with a few drops of the liquid filling it up.

  I felt like an obsessed crazy person. But that didn’t stop me from taking it.

  “Merry Christmas, Cian,” she said with a dimpled smile. “Good luck with your guy.”

  I wanted to protest that he wasn’t mine. But I didn’t because for that moment I wanted it to true. “Merry Christmas, Laci.”

  I bought a new coffee pot for my mom. It was practical, but what she wanted. And then I bought her lilac bath salts because she deserved something just for her.

  Carli and I spent a good twenty minutes splurging on Theo, and not at all because we enjoyed playing with the toys. Although at one point an employee asked us to make our final choices and move on.

  I bought a picture frame for my sister, Emily, and her husband. It didn’t cost much and was probably lame. Didn’t parents always want picture frames so they could show off their kiddos? My sister had filled her wall and mantle with pictures of Theo, even though she had tons stored on her phone. My theory was that the pictures hanging up were a constant reminder; Her two-year-old throwing peas across the room just because they were green, also had moments of sweetness that made it all worthwhile.

  I bought Rob headphones and picked out the little necklace for him that he’d called ahead to order. He’d even had it engraved. Love made people do weird things.

  Carli’s Hot Brother: Between 1912 and 1948, the Olympic Games awarded medals in sculpture, music, painting, and architecture.

  I really needed to change his name in my phone.

  Cian: Says who? I need a source. You can’t believe everything you hear these days.

  Carli’s Hot Brother: Smithsonian magazine.

  Cian: You read Smithsonian?

  Carli’s Hot Brother: Fine. Google also says so.

&n
bsp; Carli’s Hot Brother: How’s the shopping going?

  Cian: For a moment I was trapped in Victoria’s Secret. So, there’s that.

  Carli’s Hot Brother: You were in a lingerie store? With your girlfriend? The horror!

  Crap. It’s not like he hadn’t realized I wasn’t straight. What with me kissing him and all. But the whole thing made me uncomfortable.

  Cian: Sry gtg

  I tucked my phone away and tried to focus on the kiosk in front of me. It had gadgets of all kinds. My dad used to love getting things like this. Every year Teddy and I would buy him the most bizarre one we could find. One that could comb your hair but also folded over and doubled as a tie clip. I found one I didn’t think Dad had and bought it.

  “Ready for lunch?”

  I moved my bags around discreetly, so the jewelry bag wasn’t visible. “Almost.”

  She circled the stand, and I noticed an all-in-one multitool gadget. We’d gotten one for Dad one year, so I knew what tools were on it. Not thinking about it, I took it to the register and paid for it.

  “Who’s that for?”

  I didn’t want to lie to her, but I wasn’t about to tell her the truth either.

  “Lotion?” The guy was all kinds of cute and I could have kissed him for distracting Carli. She accepted the lotion because who didn’t like to be flirted with? Even when you knew it was for a sale.

  Aaron didn’t text again during lunch which was good because Carli was starting to notice but it gave me time to think. About the fifteen-dollar present I bought for Aaron that I thought was so cute and now just seemed cheap and lame. And it wasn’t like Aaron was getting me anything. We weren't even really dating. Mostly because I was too scared to break up with my fake girlfriend. Scared she would tell me how stupid I was being.

  The small bottle of cologne seemed to burn a hole in my pocket. The full price was enough to fix everything wrong with my car. This is a guy who buys cologne worth hundreds of dollars. What was he going to do with a fifteen-dollar tool? Was I really considering going out with a guy like Aaron? I didn’t fit in his world.

  Carli’s Hot Brother: The majority of your brain is fat.

  Cian: Gee Thx

  Carli’s Hot Brother: The human brain. Not just yours. 60% fat.

  Cian: Are you just googling random facts?

  Carli’s Hot Brother: No. I swear. Jade and I used to have trivia wars so now useless facts just take up space in my head

  Cian: OMG that’s sad.

  Carli’s Hot Brother: Did you know the first use of OMG was in 1917 by a British Navy Admiral

  Cian: Stop

  And he did. No more text came in. We finished our lunch and stopped at a few more stores. I couldn’t decide if I was upset Aaron stopped texting me or relieved. Was there any point in continuing anyway?

  “What happened to get you in such a bad mood?” Carli asked at one point.

  “I don’t know.” I shrugged. “Christmas?”

  Her face softened. “I’m sorry. I know this time of year is hard for you.”

  I nodded. It was hard. And I realized then that it wasn't just the thing with Aaron bumming me out. I missed my brother. “Losing people sucks.”

  “Yeah,” she agreed. “It really does.”

  I'd lost my brother and my dad, And I’d almost lost Rob. Did I really want to get attached to someone else? I’d known him barely a week. Especially since in six months he’d be going off to college somewhere. But I didn't want to bring Carli down. She had her own issues with Christmas. She didn’t need mine add to it.

  “You know what this shopping trip needs?” I asked.

  “More coffee?”

  “Close. Coffee and ice cream.”

  “Ooh, you mean…” Her eyes lit up.

  “Yes,” I said. “Moolattes.”

  “Yes.”

  They didn’t make everything better. But they came close.

  ~~~

  The rest of the week flew by. I worked, helped Mom clean the house, and get ready for the holidays, and helped put up decorations. I wanted to be excited about the holidays. Maybe this year would be different. Maybe this year I wouldn't be miserable.

  Aaron stopped texting me useless facts when I responded less and less. Why couldn’t I just enjoy it? Flirty texting with a cute guy didn’t have to mean anything. We could go on a few dates. Make out a little. Why did I have to make it this big thing?

  But it felt big. After a week. What would a month or another six months be like? Would I be able to walk away?

  A text came in and I expected another fun fact from Aaron. Instead he sent me a selfie of him washing the dishes. And another of him sweeping the floor. Shirtless. I'm not sure why that was necessary, but I wasn't going to complain.

  Should I send him one back?

  We’d finished with the house, so I made my way to the small room in the back of the house. I stopped, resting my head on the door, and taking a deep breath. Was I really going to do this? A sign was hanging on the doorknob. One that hadn’t been moved since the last time I’d been in this room. The sign read Do Not Disturb Unless You’re my Muse (In which case where the hell

  have you been?)

  The room overwhelmed me with feelings. The ones I’d had while Teddy was still alive and in pain. The ones right after he’d died.

  When I first started painting, Dad and I had made a rack for me to put my finished artwork in. I stored most of my Teddy paintings there. I only kept one out. It was Teddy's favorite. It was a picture of him in his hospital bed laughing. He’d been laughing and joking right up until the end, with the cancer and harsh treatments breaking his body until he couldn’t even walk. But he was more worried about everyone else's feelings than his own, like he’d accepted what was happening. That peacefulness shone brightly on his face. I'd sketched it while sitting with him and then painted it. He absolutely loved it. I swallowed the lump in my throat and brushed back the tears in my eyes.

  I readied my supplies. The routineness of the task soothed me. Once I was ready, I put on my smock. It had a rainbow and a unicorn on it and said Paint This. Splashes of smeared color covered the smock.

  I used various oils with the paint. Mostly linseed oil, but I sometimes used poppyseed. It thinned the oil paint so it would blend better, but also so the paint could harden, since oil paint didn’t actually dry. I sometimes used acrylic paints, but they dried quickly and the layering I wanted for my painting almost required oil.

  Once I started painting, I couldn’t I'd been fighting the urge to paint for so long, I forgotten something important. Yes, it reminded me of Teddy and the pain of losing him. But it also felt like…home.

  I wiped my brushes and dipped them in poppyseed oil since I’d be using them again tomorrow and put them on the drying rack. I studied my painting. Later I’d pick apart all the things I could have done better, but for now I was happy. I’d meant to do the selfie before I started but I got caught up in actually painting and creating, that I’d lost track of everything else.

  It wasn’t finished. I needed to add the next layer tomorrow. I posed so only a corner of the painting was in the picture. And sent it to Aaron.

  Carlie’s Hot Brother: Dude

  That’s all he called me when we texted. He barely knew my name. He definitely didn’t know how to spell it.

  Cian: That’s all you’ve got for me?

  Carlie’s Hot Brother: I’m glad you’re painting again. Cute apron.

  And then he added a winky face emoji.

  His praise brought warmth that spread from my chest to my face. What the heck was wrong with me?

  Cian: It’s a smock.

  Carlie’s Hot Brother: Take a picture of yourself right now. Don’t argue. Just do it.

  I rolled my eyes but took the picture.

  Cian: Satisfied?

  Carlie’s Hot Brother: That’s what I wanted to see. That cute blush on your face. This is now your profile pic for my phone.

  Cian: And now I’m curious. What’
s my name in your phone?

  It took a while for him to respond but he finally did.

  Carlie’s Hot Brother: You’re listed as Not Carli’s Boyfriend.

  Rob and I arrived at Carli's party fashionably early. I wanted to make sure Rob was settled before the other guests arrived. His mom wasn’t sure about letting him go, but it had been a week since his surgery, and he was doing well. I promised her if he got tired, I’d bring him home early.

  Their Christmas Eve get together involved finger foods, games, presents, and fun. I had gone last year, and it had been the bright spot of my holiday. It was very low-key which I liked. No dressing up in fancy clothes that would have made me feel out of place. We also did white elephant gifts. I suspected that might've been for my benefit. But when I'd asked Carli, she said that it had been something her mom’s family had been doing for years.

  White elephant gifts were gifts that you had gotten from someone else that you didn’t really want or need. It was basically regifting. If you didn't have anything to regift, you could pick out anything around your house and wrap it up in a pretty package. The fancier the better. People fought over gifts, only to find out at the very end that it was cords from someone’s junk drawer.

  The home was decorated with beautifully colored lights that gave it a festive air. The tree was real and although Mrs. G (that’s what I called her) didn't like to spend a lot of money, this was one thing she made an exception for. We’d had real trees up until Teddy got sick and then it was just too much work.

  Slowly people started to arrive. It wasn’t usually a big group. Some family and friends. I’d met most of them last year, but I couldn’t remember their names.

  Carli sat beside Rob on the couch. Christmas music played in the background because Mrs. G was cheesy like that. But it was nice and fun.

  I couldn’t shake this sadness. Aaron hadn’t texted me all day. I hated when he pulled back like that, but then I did it too. Again, I wondered what the point was.

  Everyone seemed to have someone which was ridiculous. I tried to focus on Carli's uncle Gus. He was the youngest of Mrs. G’s siblings and loved telling stories. I wasn’t sure which, if any, were true. Tonight’s involved an epic showdown between his cocker spaniel and Siamese cat all over the Christmas tree.