Cruising

by Sean Ashcroft

  Without a word, Benji took the glass and went to refill it.

  “I’d offer you something stronger,” Andries said. “But it is before noon and I’d rather not be the start of a bad habit.”

  “I’m fine,” I said automatically, taking the second glass of water from Benji and sipping it this time.

  What had I done to deserve people like this?

  “You are not fine,” Andries said. “And you do not have to be. You’re among friends, here.”

  Friends.

  It’d been so long since I had any I’d forgotten what it was like. Craig had whittled them away, one by one, until they wouldn’t spend time with me anymore because they were sick or afraid of him.

  Rowan had never been afraid. Or he had, and he’d even admitted it to me, but he hadn’t let it stop him. He’d been there for me.

  How could I have done anything other than fallen in love with him?

  “What makes you think he hates you?” Tyler asked, squeezing my arm as I rested my head against his shoulder. Benji sat down next to me, snuggling close, silently supportive.

  “We only agreed to do this until the end of the cruise,” I said. “First to fool Craig into thinking I’d moved on, and then I realized one night wouldn’t be enough, and Rowan had his own reasons, but…”

  “Craig said you were faking,” Benji spoke up, breathless. “I agreed to save an argument but I was secretly so sure he really was your boyfriend.”

  How many times had I agreed with Craig just to save an argument? Poor Benji. No one deserved to be treated like that, even for just a few days.

  Looking back and thinking of three years seemed impossible now. I’d had Rowan for ten days and my standards had shot into the stratosphere.

  “We were only faking it because I was still heartbroken,” I said. “I asked Craig to marry me five months ago. He laughed. And left. If I can’t hang onto someone like Craig, how the hell am I supposed to hang onto someone like Rowan?”

  “I don’t think that’s how that works,” Benji said, unsure of himself, a man who wasn’t used to expressing his opinion and being listened to. Not yet, anyway.

  Andries and Tyler were the best thing that could’ve happened to him, I thought. He deserved them.

  “No,” Tyler agreed.

  “I told him I loved him and he left,” I said, blood pounding in my ears, throat threatening to close up again. “I knew what the deal was. It’s over. It was always going to be over. Rowan doesn’t feel the same way or he would still have been there this morning.”

  Andries made a soft, thoughtful sound, and then sat down beside Benji.

  “Could, umm. Could I ask a favor?” I turned to Tyler.

  “Anything,” he promised, offering me a gentle, nudging smile.

  “Can I get you to grab my stuff? So I don’t have to… so if he’s there…”

  “I’ll go,” Andries volunteered. “You ought to rest. Give yourself some time to clear your head.”

  “I don’t wanna be any trouble.” I shifted my weight guiltily. The three of them had probably been planning to make the most of their last day on vacation.

  “You’re not,” Tyler said. “I’m gonna miss you when I’m back home. You still have to make plans to come see us.”

  I sighed. They weren’t going to let me get away with feeling sorry for myself, were they? Definitely not all alone, anyway.

  Lying down for a while in the company of people I liked and trusted sounded really good right now.

  No, wait. There was something else I needed to do.

  “Do you guys have a spare feedback card? I wanted, umm. I wanted to write some.”

  Andries handed me a card, a pen, and a hardcover book to lean on.

  I just wanted to thank you for matching me up with my roommate…

  27

  Rowan

  Looking through all the photos I had of Lee from the last ten days probably wasn’t helping my mood at all, but I couldn’t stop myself. All I could think of was how many more I should have taken, the times when I’d been too busy having fun with him to even think about the future.

  Now the future had arrived, and I wasn’t ready for it.

  The sound of the library door swinging open made me jump, and I stuffed my phone in my pocket so whoever was coming in wouldn’t see it. What I’d had with Lee was private. I wasn’t even planning on telling my family anymore. Keeping him to myself seemed more important.

  “I thought I might find you in here,” Andries said, crossing the room and settling in his usual spot.

  With Lee's luggage.

  “He came to us in tears,” Andries explained, nodding to the suitcase.

  My stomach dropped. I didn’t like the thought of Lee crying. Or upset at all.

  “Is he…?”

  “Napping. Emotionally exhausted. Being taken care of,” Andries said. “I want you to see something.”

  He dug into his shirt pocket, extracting… a card?

  A feedback card. There’d been two left in our cabin last night.

  “Lee wrote this and then threw it out. I think he got carried away.”

  I just wanted to thank you for matching me up with my roommate, Rowan, who I enjoyed travelling with. He was considerate from the first moment he walked in the door.

  The first image I’d had of Lee came back to me in a flash. Butt naked and not even a little ashamed.

  Gorgeous. Unattainably beautiful.

  The little spark of attraction I’d felt, even past the complete mortification, stirred in the pit of my stomach again.

  And then he’d smiled at me. Really smiled at me, at something I’d said. I couldn't remember it anymore, but I remembered the smile.

  He was kind to me when I needed it most, even if I didn’t deserve it. I dragged him into a mess and he came along without even pausing to ask for anything for himself, and I'm not that pretty. Rowan was that good to me.

  “It continues on the back,” Andries said as I came to the end.

  I flipped the card over and found the unlined back covered in the same tiny, flourished handwriting. Lee had handwriting befitting an artist.

  I came on this cruise to forget an ex-boyfriend, so obviously the universe saw fit to make sure he’d be on it too. But I forgot him anyway. For a few bright, perfect days there was only Rowan, and nothing else in the world mattered aside from how happy he made me. How he listened. How kind and gentle and thoughtful he was. He treated me like a gentleman and that’s never happened to me before.

  Tears stung at my eyes reading that. Lee should always have been treated like this. Like he was worth all the attention in the world, like his thoughts and feelings mattered.

  He was exactly what I needed when I needed it most and I'm not sure how I'm going to cope without him.

  Thanks,

  Lee Philips

  “I…”

  I had no idea what to say. Lee’s heart was written all over this card.

  And for some reason, it was about me.

  “If I’d gotten a note like that, I’d be demanding to see the man who wrote it,” Andries said. “Especially if I loved him so obviously as you do.”

  I swallowed past the lump in my throat. Was it that obvious?

  It must have been to Andries. He had a knack with people.

  “Were you ever a bartender?” I asked. “Because you seem to be able to sense heartbreak from a mile away.”

  “You tend to broadcast it,” Andries said. “That, and your feelings for Lee. You offered to learn to cook for him.”

  “He brought that up,” I said, thinking back to Lee telling me how sweet I was. “I don’t understand what was so odd about it.”

  “You offered to give up thirteen years of your life to please him,” Andries said. “Even in jest, it was very sweet. Tyler asked me later why I don’t say things like that to him, and I love that man with my entire heart. And that was before you’d confessed your feelings to Lee. Before you realized them at all, I think.”r />
  It had been. And then Andries had given me a nudge, and I’d been pushed to tell Lee I wanted him.

  Without the push, I would never have done it.

  Which was the whole point. I wasn’t the person Lee had written about in that note.

  When we got off this ship, I’d go back to spending my evenings and weekends overworking, sleeping, occasionally reading a chapter or two of a book, and otherwise doing nothing exciting with my life.

  Lee would want excitement, and I didn’t have any to give him. He’d seen the person I wanted to be, not the person I was.

  “My feelings aren’t the point,” I said. “Lee's feelings… they’re based on a lie. He thinks I’m a completely different person than I really am.”

  Andries blinked. “Have you lied to him?”

  Well…

  “No.” I licked my lips. How did I explain this. “But I wouldn’t ever have agreed to be someone’s fake boyfriend back home. I don’t go off on adventures to the middle of nowhere in a foreign country, I don’t dance. I’m not the person he wrote about on that card.”

  “Read it again,” Andries said.

  My eyes dropped to it automatically, but I wasn’t sure what I was looking for. Lee had fallen for a man that didn’t exist. I hadn’t wanted to face him earlier, and this only made it worse.

  “Nowhere in that note does it say anything about your adventurousness or lack thereof. It talks about your kindness, your willingness to listen, your supportiveness when he needed a friend. Those things, those are at the core of who you are, or you couldn’t be so consistent.”

  I opened my mouth to protest, but Andries raised his hand to stop me.

  “And aside from that, you are the man who goes on adventures and tries new things. You did that. Whatever you’re telling yourself, they are all your achievements. You’re the only person you’ve been on this cruise, Rowan. You just needed the confidence. I think Lee gives you that.”

  I swallowed. Logically, that sounded right. I had actually done all the things I’d done over the last ten days.

  Which meant that I could always do them. If I wanted to.

  If I cared enough about someone else’s happiness to do them.

  “I know I won’t convince you simply by talking at you,” Andries said, rising. “This is a conclusion you must come to on your own. But it would be a shame to see you lose this opportunity at happiness. And awkward when I seat you together at the restaurant opening.”

  Andries meant that. For reasons I didn’t entirely understand, he’d decided we were friends and I couldn’t have gotten rid of him, I thought, even if I’d wanted to. Not that I wanted to.

  Meddling aside—or perhaps included—he’d been a good friend to both of us, warm and welcoming. The fact that he’d propositioned me still made me blush when I thought of it, but Andries hadn’t reacted badly to the rejection—he’d taken it as an opportunity to make a friend.

  Lee had called me a grownup, but I couldn’t help wanting to grow up to be like Andries. Perhaps one day I’d have his self-confidence, his effortless charm despite an air of quiet reserve.

  “For what it’s worth,” Andries continued. “When I met Tyler, I was spending all my waking hours working. I made the world’s most awkward joke about the difficulty of catering for models at an event, he laughed, told me he was a model and thoroughly enjoying the catering, actually. I was mortified. But you know what? He asked his manager for my number and called me a few days later. Told me he appreciated my bluntness and offered me some in return: that he was interested, and he wanted to see me again. And I was terrified.”

  I was starting to see the point of this story, though I would have listened regardless. He’d listened to me more than enough.

  “I’d been convinced for years that there was no one out there for me, a string of unhappy relationships that had only led to feeling vaguely annoyed at best and bitter at worst. But Tyler was different. Is different. He is for me, and by some miracle he feels the same way. That’s a precious thing, Rowan. I’ve only come across it once. If you have it… I’d hate to see you lose it.”

  Did I have it?

  Yes.

  Yes, I did. I thought no one could ever be happy with me, but Lee was. I’d seen it. I’d seen him smiling at me, glowing with warmth and light, joy rolling off him like morning fog on the sea.

  But could I tell him that? If Andries had been terrified to go on a date with Tyler, I must have been in danger of dying of fear at the thought of telling Lee that I didn’t want this to be over.

  “I imagine he will be in our cabin until we dock. Take your time, but do not take too much,” Andries said, finally, and then turned to go.

  “Thank you,” I called after him, taking his nod as acknowledgement and watching as the door closed behind him.

  I took my phone out of my pocket again. Noon.

  Two hours.

  Two hours until we docked, two hours to make what felt like the biggest decision of my life so far.

  I’d left it too late. One minute I’d been scrolling through photos, the next I’d been told we were docking, and I had to scramble to grab my luggage and catch up with everyone else.

  And now Lee was nowhere to be found.

  I’d made a decision and now it was too late. Lee had disappeared in the crowd, and as I set foot on the docks a sudden wave of seasickness washed over me for the second time today.

  Except it wasn’t seasickness, was it? It was the outright panic I felt in every single atom of my body at the thought of losing the best thing I’d ever had because I was too much of a coward to reach out and take it.

  Where was he? I only needed to spot Andries—like me, half a head taller than the crowd—or Tyler or Benji, who both stood out in their own right. But I couldn’t think. I could barely see anything, all I could look for was the head of glossy, chocolate brown hair I desperately wanted to see again.

  There. Lee. Perhaps twenty feet away.

  Too far to squeeze through the shoulder-to-shoulder crowd in time to catch him before he disappeared altogether, into a cab and out of my life.

  I went to call out, but my voice broke in my throat. All these people would hear me. See me making an idiot of myself.

  The gap between us was widening. Soon enough there’d be too many people in the way, and he’d be gone, and I’d never have this chance again. Not least of all because I knew now that Lee was taking my heart with him.

  “Lee,” I called out, the word scraping out of my throat by surprise.

  People looked. A lot of people looked at the strange, awkward man shouting above the happy, tired murmur of the crowd.

  But Lee looked, too.

  And I suddenly didn’t care about anything else.

  Unlike me, he had no trouble working his way between them, smiling and nodding in apology, shoving gently where he had to, working his way over until we were standing face to face, close enough that I could see the flecks of gold that ringed his pupils.

  “Rowan,” Lee nudged.

  He looked so hopeful.

  People were still watching.

  I needed to be the Rowan that had stepped off this dock ten days ago for five more minutes. Just long enough to convince Lee that I could keep being that man, the man he liked.

  Maybe, if I had him with me, I could be that man.

  “I, uh. I was thinking…”

  A good time to plan out what I was going to say would have been any point before this moment. I hadn’t been sure I’d get here, so I hadn’t thought ahead.

  All I knew was that I wanted to keep Lee at any cost.

  “My apartment allows cats,” I said. Lee wanted to move to a place that kept cats, I remembered.

  He blinked at me, obviously not following quite the same train.

  “I was thinking… I know this deal is supposed to be over, but, well…”

  Think, dammit.

  “Thanksgiving’s coming up. I can practically smell the pumpkin spice in the air,
can’t you?”

  Lee blinked at me again.

  “What I mean is, this would all work so much better if you came home with me for the holidays and met my family, and in exchange I could keep a cat for you. In my apartment. And you could come visit… whenever you wanted.”

  Just tell him you love him you incredible moron.

  Lee's face softened, which seemed like a good sign. At least I hadn’t insulted him.

  “You mean… keep pretending to be boyfriends until… what, the cat dies?” he asked, raising an eyebrow.

  But his eyes were sparkling. In his head, he was laughing at me.

  I wanted a lifetime of Lee laughing at me. Laughing at me and still wanting to be right where he was, because it wasn’t cruel laughter. It was affectionate.

  The way you laughed at someone you loved.

  “I… well…”

  This hadn’t been the best thought-through plan in the history of strategy, had it?

  No wonder Andries kept beating me at chess.

  “Rowan,” Lee said softly, and I wasn’t sure I’d ever get tired of him saying my name like that. “How about I make this easy and ask to go home with you?”

  “Oh.”

  Lee wanted to come home with me?

  Lee wanted to come home with me, after we’d spent the last ten days living on top of each other? He wasn’t tired of me? He didn’t need a break?

  “Unless you’re sick of me already,” Lee said, the barest hint of a nervous laugh in his voice.

  “No,” I said, too quickly, too eagerly, but what was the point of hiding how I felt any longer? We hadn’t had one argument in ten days. Even under the worst possible circumstances.

  Lee had never done anything I didn’t want him to do. That had to mean something, didn’t it?

  “No, I… I don’t think I’ll ever be… I love you,” I said, stomach clenching not only at the admission but the very, very public setting.

  The grin that spread across Lee's face drowned it all out. The only thing in the universe that mattered right now was that I’d told Lee I loved him, and I meant it, and he was smiling at me. Beaming brighter than the sun.