Pieces of Me

by E. L. Todd

  “Are you sure?” he asked.

  “Yeah…I got through it with Beatrice. I’ll do the same with…” I couldn’t say her name. I let the words die in my mouth before I could speak them.

  “You will, Son.”

  ***

  I lay on the couch and stared at the number on my phone. After some debating I pressed the call button and held the phone to my ear.

  Beatrice answered after two rings. “Conrad?”

  “Hey…” I wasn’t sure why I was calling her. I ran into her that one night, and while I was drunk and my memory was poor, I knew I behaved like an ass. “Is this a bad time?”

  “No, not at all. How are you doing?”

  “Eh…”

  “Oh, I’m sorry.”

  I remained silent on the phone, not sure what else to say.

  Beatrice didn’t say anything.

  “I’m sorry for the way I acted a few weeks ago. I was out of my mind and…I wasn’t myself.”

  “It’s okay, Conrad. I knew you were going through a hard time.”

  “Well, I cleaned up my act…if that makes things any better.”

  “It does.”

  “So…are you doing anything right now?”

  “Just woke up.”

  “What?” I blurted. “It’s three in the afternoon.”

  “I work late at the wine bar sometimes.”

  “Oh, I see.”

  “Yeah…”

  This conversation was so strained. I wasn’t sure what I was thinking when I decided to call her. “Well, I’ll let you go.”

  “You want me to come over?”

  I was too weak and pathetic to reject her offer. I needed someone to talk to, someone who really understood what was going on. “Please.”

  ***

  Beatrice whistled as she looked around. “Wow, this place is nice.”

  “Yeah, thanks.” I loved it when I first got it, but now I was indifferent to it. It was way too big for a single person. It only reminded me I was alone. Instead of having a wife and kids I was a single guy in the city.

  She sat on the couch then looked out the window. “Great view.”

  “Yeah.” I sat beside her. “It looks really cool when it’s dark. The lights from the city and everything…”

  “I bet.”

  “Trinity and Slade live in the same building. They’re on the top floor.”

  “Oh, that’s nice,” she said. “If you ever need sugar or milk they’re right there.” She was trying to cheer me up.

  “Yeah, I guess.” I knew I was poor company. My voice constantly flat-lined, and it was impossible for me to sound enthused about anything.

  Beatrice pretended not to notice. “How’s work?”

  “The same,” I said. “I pretty much run that place now. I’m not sure why Sean and my dad are still there.”

  “I’m sure it’s hard for them to leave. They’ve been working there for so long.”

  “Yeah, probably.” Or because they were worried about Skye and I. We were both in difficult places.

  “So…” She pressed her lips tightly together as she tried to think of something to say. It was tense between us, but I had a feeling that was because of me. “You want to watch TV or something? Or talk?”

  “I…lost my way for a while there. Everything is a blur, actually.”

  She listened patiently.

  “There’s something I have to ask you…but I’m not sure if I want you to answer.”

  The emotion moved into her eyes.

  “Is there something wrong with me?” My voice cracked as I spoke. “Am I not marriage material? Boyfriend material?”

  Her hand moved to mine. “Of course you are, Conrad. You’re one of the most amazing men I’ve ever known. The only reason why you and I broke up was because I was stupid and had unrealistic expectations. Believe me, it was my fault. We failed because of me, not you.”

  “Are you just saying that to make me feel better?”

  “Not at all. It took me a really long time to get over you. I hated myself for losing the love of such a great man. I was depressed for a long time.”

  I wasn’t happy that she was miserable, but I felt a little better about myself. “I don’t know what went wrong with Lexie. I still can’t figure it out. Sometimes I can’t sleep because I need the answer…”

  “It wasn’t you.”

  My eyes met hers.

  “It wasn’t you,” she repeated. “It was her.”

  “How do you know that?”

  “I just do. And I’m sure she’s going to regret what she did, if she doesn’t already regret it now.”

  “But she hasn’t said anything to me.”

  “It’s been months now…she probably knows it’s too late.”

  I stared at my hands in my lap. “I just wish I knew why, you know?”

  She nodded.

  “We were so happy together, at least I thought we were. She was always at my place, and she told me she loved me. We were…in love. I kept picturing her wearing an apron every day I came home, dinner on the stove. We had two kids together, a boy and a girl. I just…don’t understand.”

  “I know…” She moved her fingers over my hand.

  “I thought she wanted to be with me forever. I did everything for her. I treated her right and put her on a pedestal. Why wouldn’t she want to marry me? I have a good job, I take care of myself, and I treat her right…I don’t get it.”

  “Maybe you should stop wondering and just accept the fact she’s gone.”

  “Easier said than done…”

  “It’ll get easier in time,” she whispered. “I know those words seem empty now but they’re true. I never thought I would be over you, but weeks turned into months, and one day I just stopped thinking about you. That will happen for you, and you’ll be happy again.”

  I had to believe that. If I didn’t, I would go insane. “My relationships never work…I can’t be better than I am now. Therefore…I’ll always be alone.”

  “That’s not true,” Beatrice said. “Don’t think that.”

  “History always repeats itself, right?”

  “No,” she said firmly. “It doesn’t.”

  I realized all I was talking about was myself. “What about you? Still seeing that guy?” I couldn’t remember his name. It started with a J.

  “No,” she said. “It didn’t work out.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “I’m not,” she said.

  Huh? “Did I miss something?”

  “Long story short, Jared told me he had feelings for me. So, now we’re together.” She didn’t smile but it was obvious how happy she was just by looking into her eyes. “It just happened so we’re working out the kinks. But, this is something I wanted for a long time. And apparently, it’s something he wanted too.”

  “Well, that’s great. I’m happy for you.” Just because I was miserable didn’t mean she had to be.

  “Thanks.”

  I turned my gaze out the window. “What took so long?”

  “Jared has this ridiculous idea in his head that he’s going to cheat again. But I know he won’t.”

  “Why do you say that?”

  “Because he’s not that person anymore. He hasn’t been with anyone since we started talking, and that was a year ago. If he can be faithful to me without getting laid then I know he can be faithful when he is getting laid.”

  “If he doesn’t, I can take care of it for you.”

  She smiled. “That won’t be necessary, Conrad.”

  “I’m glad you guys found happiness in each other.”

  “Me too,” she said. “He’s my best friend.”

  “You didn’t tell him about me, right?”

  “Of course not.”

  “Thanks. Please don’t tell him about this either.”

  “Your secret is safe with me, Conrad.”

  I wondered if Jared had talked to Lexie, and if he had, did she say anything about me? “Does Jared still t
alk to her?”

  “Not that I know of,” she said. “I don’t think he has because I’m sure he would have told me you guys broke up the second he knew.”

  I nodded. “I haven’t heard a peep from her—absolutely nothing.”

  Her lips fell into a frown. “Maybe that’s a good thing. When you don’t see her or talk to her, it’ll be easier to move on.”

  “I don’t know…she hasn’t called me once but I’m still in the same place I was three months ago.”

  “Well, you repressed everything for three months,” she said. “Now you’re actually letting yourself feel it. If you’d just confronted it then you might be over her by now.”

  I couldn’t picture myself ever being over her. Her rejection would always haunt me. The way she stormed off without a single explanation was burned into my brain forever.

  “Just take it one day at a time.”

  “I guess…”

  She continued to watch me with a look of concern.

  “I’m sorry I kissed you…and tried to sleep with you.”

  “It’s okay, Conrad. I knew it wasn’t the real you talking.”

  I was lucky everyone forgave me so easily.

  “We all fall into darkness every now and then. And we need our friends to forgive us so we can move on.”

  “Jared won’t be happy when you tell him.”

  “We weren’t together at the time so I don’t have to tell him anything. Besides, I can’t. I can’t think of any other explanation of why you would be in my apartment kissing me unless you and Lexie broke up.”

  “Oh yeah…”

  “So, you’re in the clear.”

  I leaned back into the couch and closed my eyes. “I haven’t been able to sleep. I need someone in bed beside me. That’s why I slept around so much…” I admitted my darkest secret to another person. I finally got it off my chest.

  “It’s understandable…”

  “Can you sit with me until I fall asleep?”

  Her eyes darkened in pain. “Of course.”

  “Thanks…” I lay down and closed my eyes.

  Beatrice sat beside me and rested her hand on my arm. She remained quiet as she waited for me to fall asleep. I listened to her breathing before my mind started to fade. Soon the blackness took over. Then there was mindless peace.

  ***

  A few days later, I got a text from Beatrice.

  Hey, are you free in an hour?

  That was out of the blue. That’s when I get off work. Why?

  Can we meet at your apartment?

  Sure. Why? Why wouldn’t she just tell me?

  You’ll see when I get there.

  I stopped texting her because I knew I wasn’t going to get anything out of her.

  ***

  When I reached my hallway, I spotted Beatrice in front of my door. But she wasn’t alone. A furry companion was with her. It was a German Shepard, and he was brown and black. He looked up at me with black eyes.

  “Uh…you got a dog?” I asked. “Is that what you wanted to show me?”

  “Yep. His name is Apollo.” She scratched him behind the ear. “Isn’t he cute?”

  “Yeah.” But I honestly didn’t care that she got a dog. It didn’t affect me in the least so I wasn’t sure why she bothered to show me. “Well, congratulations. Now you have a running partner.”

  “Me?” she asked with a laugh. “I got him for you.”

  “What?” I blurted. “A dog?”

  “Yeah, he’s a retired police dog so he’s well trained. After they retire, their officers usually adopt them, but since his passed away he didn’t have anyone. I thought you could use a friend.”

  “Uh…that was very thoughtful but I’m not looking for a dog.”

  “He can sleep with you every night,” she said. “Then you’ll never be alone.”

  Apollo kept staring at me.

  “I just…” I didn’t know what to say. The last thing I thought about was getting a dog. “I don’t have time to take care of him.”

  “Well, Apollo takes care of himself. He’s even potty-trained to a litter box. And he’s a great guard dog when you give him the right command.”

  “I’m not attacked very often.”

  “Come on, Conrad. Apollo already loves you.”

  He tilted his head sideways.

  “Just try him out for a few days,” she said. “And if you still don’t want him I’ll find a new home for him. That’s reasonable?”

  I sighed and rubbed the back of my neck. “Don’t they shed?”

  “And don’t you have a maid?” she challenged.

  She really wasn’t going to let this go. “Fine, I’ll give him a shot.”

  “Great.” She handed the leash over. “You’re going to fall for him.”

  “I don’t fall for animals.”

  “You say that now…” She kneeled down and massaged Apollo’s fur. “Take care of him, okay?”

  Apollo barked.

  “Good boy.” She gave him a kiss on the head before she walked away. “Take care of him, Conrad.”

  “I’ll try.”

  Beatrice left the hallway and got into the elevator.

  I stared at Apollo and sighed. “Now what?”

  He sat still as a statue, like he was waiting for a command.

  “Well, I guess I’ll show you my place.” I got the door unlocked and allowed him to walk inside. Instead of running around on everything he stayed by my side. I removed his leash so he could move about freely.

  He just sat there and looked at me.

  “So…” What did you say to a dog? “This is my place. Just don’t jump on the furniture, okay?”

  Apollo barked.

  “And don’t do your business in the house. There’s a balcony for that.”

  He barked again.

  Did he understand what I was saying? I swear, it seemed like it. “Well, I’m going to take a shower.” Why did I keep talking to a dog? I needed to stop. I felt like a weirdo.

  Apollo remained put.

  “You want some water or something?”

  Silence.

  “I’ll get you some water.” I filled a bowl then set it in the kitchen.

  Apollo followed me then drank out of it.

  “After I get done with the shower I’ll get you some food.” I realized my mistake again. “Dammit, why do I keep talking to you?”

  He released a quiet whine.

  “Okay, I’m getting in the shower now. Just…hang out.”

  He lay on his belly and rested his face on his paws.

  “Uh…good boy.”

  ***

  After I showered I changed into jeans and a t-shirt. “Alright, let’s go get you some food.”

  Apollo picked up his leash from the ground then carried it to me. He sat straight with it dangling from his mouth.

  “So you do understand what I’m saying?”

  He didn’t move.

  “Damn, you’re one smart dog.” I took the leash from him then fastened the harness around his chest. He didn’t move and let me do my work. “Alright, let’s go.”

  We took the elevator down to the lobby then walked past the mailboxes.

  “Conrad?”

  I turned to see my sister checking her mail. “Hey, what’s up?”

  Her mouth was gaping open and her eyes were wide. “Is that a dog?”

  “Yeah, his name is Apollo.”

  Apollo sat down beside me.

  “When did you get a dog?” she asked.

  “Today, actually. We’re going to get him some food.”

  Trinity approached Apollo then stuck out her hand so he could smell it. Then she pet him around the ears. “He’s really cute.”

  “Yeah, he’s alright,” I said. “He’s really smart.”

  Apollo closed his eyes like he was falling asleep.

  “He’s so…quiet,” she said.

  “He never barks. Well, I’ve only had him for an hour so that could change. He’s a retired
police dog. I guess his officer passed away.”

  “Awe, that’s sweet of you to take him in.”

  “Actually, Beatrice got him for me.”

  Trinity immediately stilled and looked at me. “You’re with Beatrice again?”

  “No,” I said quickly. “We’re just friends. I think she was trying to cheer me up.”

  “Good,” Trinity said. “I still hate that bitch.”

  “Whoa…come on. Don’t call her that.”

  “She broke your heart, Conrad.”

  “Even so, don’t call her that.”

  Trinity didn’t press the argument. “Apollo is beautiful. Congratulations.”

  “He’s not beautiful,” I said. “He’s a dog. He’s tough and fierce.”

  “Whatever you say, Conrad.” She tucked her mail under her arm and walked away.

  I pulled Apollo with me. “That was my sister. She lives on the top floor.”

  Apollo looked up at me as we walked.

  I smacked myself in the forehead when I realized what I was doing. I kept talking to Apollo like he was a person. The crowd around me probably thought I was another weirdo.

  We walked to the pet market then found a bag of food inside. It took me a while to figure out what he needed because I didn’t know how old he was. But after I picked something out and got a few toys, I paid for it and walked back to my penthouse. It was too difficult to hold his leash and carry everything so I shoved the handle into my pocket. Apollo walked right beside me and didn’t even sniff at other dogs as they passed. He stuck to my side like glue.

  After we returned to the penthouse, I poured him a bowl of food. He immediately ate the entire thing, consuming it in less than a minute. He made quiet sounds while he chewed.

  I sat there and watched him. “So, you worked with the police. You must have seen some crazy stuff.”

  He kept eating.

  “I could never do what you did. Law enforcement has never interested me.”

  Apollo hardly chewed his food. He took one bite then swallowed it.

  “Sorry if I’m a bummer. There was this girl…and it didn’t work out.”

  When Apollo finished eating he lay beside me on the hardwood floor. He stared at me like he understood exactly what I was saying.

  “Have you ever had a girl or anything?”

  He moved his ears.

  “No? Consider yourself lucky. This girl broke my heart. I asked her to marry me but she said no.”

  Apollo released a quiet whine.