A Heart This Big

by Cheyenne Blue

  Leigh nodded. Even cleaning chicken shit was…well, not totally fun, but the hands-on feel of the work gave her a calm headspace she didn’t get often. She stole a glance at Nina, who worked methodically. The curve of her neck beckoned above the line of the singlet. No. She would not think that way. Not anymore.

  The chicken sheds finished, Leigh stood and stretched out the kinks in her back. “Phoebe’s coming.”

  Phoebe cantered up on Mr Petey and came to a halt.

  “Perfect timing,” Nina said.

  “I just happen to be free now,” Phoebe said to Leigh. “How about that riding lesson?”

  Leigh’s pulse jumped. Was she ready for this? “I can’t ride like this.” She gestured to her shorts.

  Phoebe held up a pair of jeans. “These are Mum’s. They’ll be too big, but I brought a belt. You can change in the barn. That’s where we’ll go for your first time anyway.”

  That was her excuse shot down. She studied Mr Petey. The pony stood still, a calm and wise expression on his face. Small kids rode him. Of course, it was safe. It wasn’t for Billy. But Billy was an unusual case—sheer bad luck. Horseriding carries an implied inherent danger. She snorted. So did driving on Sydney’s roads. And importantly, this exercise would help her gain more of Phoebe’s trust.

  “Okay, then. Let’s do it.” She nodded and, with a confidence she didn’t feel, turned on her heel and strode towards the barn.

  Nina’s jeans were way too long and big in the waist, and the helmet Phoebe handed her flattened her hair, but it didn’t matter. Once she had changed, Leigh watched intently as Phoebe demonstrated how to mount. Leigh’s attempt was ungainly, but at least she ended up on top of the pony. He seemed narrower than he did when she was on the ground, but he stood like a rock, his grey ears flicking back and forth as he listened to Phoebe’s voice.

  Phoebe guided her into position in the saddle and explained how to make Mr Petey start and stop. “Got that? Now ask Mr Petey to walk on. I’ll walk alongside you.”

  Phoebe’s voice carried a steady reassurance, as if nothing could possibly go wrong. And if it did, well, Phoebe knew how to correct it.

  Leigh squeezed tentatively with her calves.

  Mr Petey’s ear flicked once, but he didn’t move.

  “A bit harder,” Phoebe said. “He barely felt that.”

  Leigh nudged again, and the pony moved forward. She resisted the urge to grab his mane and instead concentrated on Phoebe as she adjusted Leigh’s position with sure movements of her hands.

  “That’s good,” Phoebe said. “You’re already getting the feel of it.”

  They’d only walked a slow circle of the barn, but already the rocking motion felt almost safe, almost comfortable. Leigh risked a glance at Nina. She sat on a straw bale, watching. A small smile curled up the corners of her mouth. Was she proud of her daughter or enjoying Leigh immersing herself more in Nina’s world?

  For nearly half an hour, Leigh did nothing but make the pony start and stop. Gradually, Phoebe moved away so that Leigh circled by herself, learning how to make Mr Petey turn in both directions.

  “You’re a natural!” Nina called. As Leigh glanced her way, Nina snapped a picture on her phone.

  “That’s probably enough for the first time.” Phoebe’s voice carried confidence and authority.

  Leigh nodded. In truth, her back ached a little, and her tailbone felt the hard saddle.

  “Want to try a short trot before we finish? Just once the length of the barn?”

  “Sure,” Leigh said. How hard could it be?

  She grasped the front of the saddle with one hand and listened closely as Phoebe explained about rising up and down in time with the pony’s two-time beat. Phoebe took Mr Petey’s reins to lead him and urged him into a trot.

  Suddenly, it was all so hard. Try as she might, she always seemed to be coming down as Mr Petey was going up, and she was shaken from head to toe. They reached the end of the barn.

  “Enough.” Leigh’s breath was gone from her body, and her legs felt like chewed pieces of string.

  Phoebe grinned up at her. “It might not feel like it right now, but you did well. I reckon it won’t be too long before you learn how to rise to the trot. It’s like riding a bike—suddenly you get it, and then that’s it for life. You’ll never forget.”

  Leigh groaned. “Right now, the only thing I want for life is a hot bath. And a gin and tonic.”

  Phoebe giggled, and the girlishness of it reminded Leigh abruptly that this was a child. Phoebe’s seriousness and maturity had driven that out of Leigh’s mind.

  “Next time you’ll get it.” Phoebe turned Mr Petey and walked them back to where Nina sat.

  “Thanks. And thanks for the lesson. You’re very good.” Leigh slid ungracefully from Mr Petey’s back and winced as the impact with the ground jarred her sore backside.

  Phoebe blushed and turned to the pony. “Guess I’ve had a lot of practice. I teach lots of kids.”

  Leigh patted Mr Petey’s neck, and he turned his head and lipped at the front of her T-shirt. His warm animal smell clung to her clothes. “Do you want me to help put him away?”

  “Nah, I think you need to walk around for a bit. I’ll do it.” Phoebe took Mr Petey’s reins and led him away.

  “Let’s take a walk.” Nina put a hand under Leigh’s elbow and steadied her as if she were an old woman.

  Her legs refused to work properly, and her back was as rigid as a plank. “Does it get easier?”

  “The stiffness? Oh yes. Keep walking. You’ll feel better for it. If you’re game for another ride soon, you’ll find Phoe’s right. It does get easier.”

  “Do you ride?”

  “I can ride, but I seldom have time now.”

  They reached the end of the barn and went out into the sunshine.

  “Come around here,” Nina said. “I need to pick beans for dinner.”

  “I’m not sure my inner thighs will ever feel normal again.”

  The veggie garden was only a hundred or so metres away, but it felt like an endurance trek. But by the time they reached it, Leigh walked easier.

  Nina grabbed a bucket and picked what seemed like a couple of kilos of beans, two heads of lettuce, and a whole lot of tomatoes. Bucket in hand, she came back out of the garden. “Take some of these home with you.” Her gaze snapped over Leigh’s shoulder for an instant and returned to her. “A car’s coming down the drive. It’s Kiren. She said she was bringing her nephews and nieces here for a visit today. So in a minute, we’re going to be surrounded by people, and I’m going to be busy. Any idea how we spend the next couple of minutes?” The wicked expression on Nina’s face showed her intention. Kissing.

  Leigh swallowed. She had to say something to Nina. It wasn’t fair to let her think they could continue what had started at Christmas. Not while Nina was a client. She closed her eyes, already hating the words she had to say, unwilling to see the reaction on Nina’s expressive face. “Nina, I have to—”

  “Mum, where are you? Kiren’s here.” Phoebe’s voice came from the direction of the barn.

  Nina stepped back with a rueful grimace. “Phoe’s timing is awful. I’m sorry to brush you off.”

  If only Nina knew. Leigh bit her lip. She should tell Nina immediately, but she couldn’t do it when Kiren and her relatives were about to descend on them. She faced the barn, and the slight movement made her aching muscles scream once more.

  “I think you should consider going home and having a hot bath to relax your muscles.” Nina’s voice came from behind.

  “That sounds incredibly appealing right now. If you don’t mind.” And it would take Leigh out of an awkward situation. Hopefully, the next time she saw Nina there would be time to explain.

  “Go. You’ll be in a lot of discomfort if you don’t take my advice.”

  Leigh
nodded. “I’m sure you know best. I need to find Phoe before I go, though. I’ve got something for her. Nothing expensive. Only an old book I don’t need anymore. I’ll see you again.”

  “Make it very soon.” Nina’s murmured words followed her as Leigh walked away in the direction of the yard.

  Leigh returned to her car and got the book. She waved at Kiren and then found Phoebe. “I brought this for you.”

  Phoe came over. “Oh! This is perfect. The library won’t let me renew the one I borrowed.”

  “You can keep this. If you really want to be a lawyer, it’s not too soon to learn the practical application of law.”

  “I do.” She opened the book and flipped through the pages. “Y’know, when Mum first went to see you, I thought it was gonna be so easy. That you’d write a couple of letters or something, and it would all be over.”

  Leigh nodded. So many people thought that.

  “Didn’t take me long to realise we needed you.” Phoebe peeped from under her ridiculously thick eyelashes. She opened the book again. “I’ll read this. It might take me a while, though.”

  “You can’t enter law school for another six years. You’ve got plenty of time.”

  “Maybe you could teach me stuff? Y’know, we could exchange? I can teach you how to ride, and—”

  “I can teach you the basics of law.”

  “Yeah.”

  “I think I’ve got the easier job.” Leigh’s legs had stiffened as she stood there. “Right now, I think I may never walk easily again.”

  “Keep walking. Moving around really helps.”

  Keep walking. That was exactly what she should do right now to put some distance between herself and Nina.

  Chapter 13

  “How was the rest of your break?” Grizz sauntered into Leigh’s office.

  “Possibly better than yours.” Leigh pointed to the bandage that covered Grizz’s arm from shoulder to wrist. “What happened this time?”

  Grizz grimaced. “Gravel rash. Bryan gave me a skateboard for Christmas. Those things are difficult to get the hang of.”

  “Does Bryan ever think that, oh, I don’t know, crochet hooks and wool might be a better gift for you?”

  “No. I told him it’s instant divorce if he ever gives me anything sedate.”

  “Crochet is really popular with all sorts of people. It’s not just for nursing home residents anymore.”

  “I know that. My niece makes gorgeous stuff—funky tops and all sorts of things. But it’s just not me. Hence the skateboard. I’ve got the hang of going along; it’s stopping I still have trouble with. Anyway, tell me about your break.”

  “It was good,” Leigh said. “Surprisingly relaxing.”

  “Did you spend any more time at Banksia Farm? You and Nina seemed to be getting along well.”

  Leigh pulled the file on her desk towards her and opened it. Anything rather than look into Grizz’s knowing eyes. “I was out there a couple of times. Phoebe gave me a riding lesson.”

  “Nice kid, Phoebe. Nice mother too. Don’t tell me you didn’t notice.”

  Leigh gave up the pretence of staring at the file. “I noticed.”

  Grizz grinned. “Thought you had. Don’t worry, my lips are sealed.” She picked up her coffee mug and drained the last drops. “I’m off to tackle my post-holiday inbox.”

  Leigh stared at the door after Grizz had left, worry churning through her mind. So Grizz had noticed. She trusted Grizz not to gossip, but the fact that she had even mentioned it reinforced Leigh’s decision to back away from Nina on a personal level.

  Leigh paced around her apartment, across the polished wooden boards from the door to the floor-to-ceiling plate glass with its view of Sydney, and back again. The lights of the city shone in reassuring familiarity. This was her world: the fast-paced city where professional people air-kissed in hip bars and drank cocktails that cost more than the person serving them would make in an hour. Her world was high heels tip-tapping on the pavement as she hurried to her next appointment. It was long lunches, drinking hundred-buck-a-bottle wine with the firm’s other partners. It was a world of twelve-hour days and coming home to a meal delivered by Uber Eats or a couple of slices of toast and Vegemite, washed down by a glass of red wine.

  The last home-cooked meal Leigh had eaten was the one Nina had prepared at Christmas. Before that? She couldn’t remember.

  Leigh picked up her phone and flicked to Meredith’s text from that morning. Its terse, precise language mentioned a decision of the Supreme Court—had Leigh seen it?—and suggested coffee. It was very different to Leigh’s interactions with Nina.

  Meredith was the type of person Leigh should date—Meredith, not Nina. Trouble was, Leigh had been there, done that, and while Meredith was a pleasant person, undemanding and problem-free, Leigh didn’t want to date her.

  Leigh wanted Nina. And Nina obviously wanted Leigh.

  And that was the problem.

  She kicked off her heels by the couch, padded over to the fridge, and poured herself a glass of mineral water.

  Grizz wasn’t an issue, but the fact that Grizz had even mentioned Nina as anything other than a client brought her current thoughts sharply into focus. Leigh could see Nina as a friend, she was able to keep volunteering, and she could mentor Phoebe. But anything more and she risked the wrath of her firm. Maybe more. She remembered Elise, a junior lawyer. Elise had openly dated a client, and a few weeks later had found herself let go from Petersen & Blake. Politely let go, phrased in the most neutral of wording, but still gone. Kaput. No second chances.

  Leigh’s partner status wouldn’t protect her. If anything, it would make it worse, as she would be a bad example.

  She knew what she had to do—indeed, she should already have done it the last time she was at the farm. She had to tell Nina their Christmas kiss was a mistake, one that couldn’t happen again. And then she had to be true to her word and stick by that. Could she keep it light with Nina?

  She took a large swallow of water. How many girlfriends had she had in the last few years? That was easy. Not including Meredith, who barely counted as such, there were three. Three in five years. And how many clients? Hundreds. Clients came and went. Some were great, and some were nightmares, but, ultimately, they came, she got the best result she could for them—and they went. Some returned. Most didn’t. Litigation was something most people only encountered once in a lifetime.

  Leigh wandered back to the window and stared out at Sydney, at the great steel span of the harbour bridge with its flowing river of traffic.

  There was a potential solution to the problem. Clients were two a penny. A woman she liked a lot whom she wanted to date, to laugh with, to love with—that woman was a rare and precious thing. Leigh owed it to both herself and Nina to see what they could be.

  There was a way to avoid a conflict of interest. It would mean they could at least have the option of a relationship. Problem was, she now had to convince Nina.

  Leigh’s office was exactly as Nina remembered. The same opulent reception, the same professional and polite receptionist. This time, Nina straightened her shoulders and gave the receptionist a smile. This time, she wasn’t here begging for favours or nervously wondering what to say in her statement. This time, she was here as a client, yes, but also a friend of Leigh Willoughby. Maybe soon to be more than a friend.

  She settled in a chair to wait. Anticipation kept a smile on her face. It had been a few days since she’d seen Leigh, and it felt too long.

  Grizz appeared in a couple of minutes. “Hello, Nina. Please come through.” She led Nina down the corridor to Leigh’s office. “Can I get you a cup of anything?”

  “Tea would be great, thanks.”

  Grizz left and slid the door closed behind her.

  Leigh rose as Nina entered. She wore a tailored navy dress, and her hair was once aga
in arranged in its formal pleat. A discreet gold chain hung around her neck. For a moment, Nina stared, cataloguing the small differences between this Leigh and the one who came to the farm. Nina wanted to kiss her or at least touch her hand, but conscious of the glass door, she contented herself with a smile. The kiss, the touches, the words that were not those of lawyer and client would have to wait. Hopefully, Leigh had noted the 11.30 a.m. appointment time Nina had requested, and they would be able to have lunch together after business was out of the way.

  “Please take a seat.” Leigh moved a file to one side of her desk and pulled her blue legal pad closer.

  Nina sat and put the bag with eggs and farm produce for Leigh at her feet.

  “Thank you for coming in as I requested,” Leigh said. “There’s been a development in your matter. Billy has allegedly now developed a psychological injury as a result of the accident, and his lawyers want this included in his claim.”

  Nina frowned. “I’m not sure what you mean.”

  “Allegedly, he is now terrified of all animals, particularly horses. He has nightmares and wakes screaming in the night, holding his arm. He is wetting the bed despite having been dry for the past three years. He has developed separation anxiety and won’t go to day care, as he refuses to leave his mother. He’s seeing a psychologist.”

  There was a tap on the door, and Grizz returned with the tea. She placed it on the desk and, with a quick smile at Nina, left the room.

  Nina bit her lip. “Does this often happen? It sounds very extreme. Poor Billy.” Her heart twisted. Billy-the-Kid, who’d loved the ponies and the farm more than most of the Barn Kids, was now terrified of what had given him such joy. What a terrible thing to happen to him, worse than his broken arm, worse than his concussion. Those would heal. Would Billy get his joy back? Oh, how she hoped so.

  “It’s not unusual. But we’ll need to verify what they say. Grizz has already requested the psychologist’s records. We’ll send him to see a specialist in due course so that his injuries can be assessed.”

  Nina took a swallow of tea to moisten her suddenly dry mouth. What would this cost? Did pro bono include these sorts of expenses? She couldn’t remember what had been said. Whoever had to pay, it didn’t sound cheap. But if Billy was suffering as badly as his lawyers said, then she didn’t have any choice. No way could Stella pay for that sort of treatment, not on her single-parent allowance.