Bane (Angel's Rebellion MC: #7)

by Jeneveir Evans

  Claim Kenzie. Keep her safe. Keep both of them safe for me.

  Bane

  Tears ran down my face as I read between the lines. He wasn’t planning on coming back. How do I survive this? How do I live knowing I couldn’t help him?

  He asked me to be with Kenzie and be a dad to his child. I couldn’t do that. It wasn’t my place to. It was his. I didn’t feel that type of love for her and she didn’t for me either. Bane needed to be the one here to do all those things. He needed to be here.

  A sob tore through me as I faced the knowledge that my best friend, the one person who meant the most to me in the world, was gone and I had no way of finding him. No way of helping him. No way to make sure that the demon didn’t win.

  I wiped my face and looked at Dog. I handed him the letter to read and after he read it, he looked at me with sorrow on his face.

  “He’s not coming back,” I whispered.

  I slowly reached across and took the letter from him, picked up Kenzie’s letter and turned toward the door. As I walked toward my room, I felt like I was an old feeble man. It hurt to put one foot in front of the other. It hurt to think. It just hurt.

  ~*~

  Kenzie

  I drove into the compound looking for Bane’s bike but didn’t see it. That didn’t necessarily mean anything, he was proud of it and tried to put it in the garage at night. Only I didn’t think that’s what had happened this time.

  Fear clenched at my stomach. He had to be here. I had to talk to him. I vaguely realized that someone had to have seen me come up because the door opened when I pulled on it.

  I walked into the Great Room and looked around. I didn’t pay attention to anyone, I just looked for Bane. Not seeing him, I hit the stairs racing up them. I stopped at his door and tried the doorknob. I wasn’t going to knock. I didn’t want him to have the chance to turn me away. I knew if I could get in his face, he wouldn’t be able to push me away.

  The knob turned under my hand, I opened it and walked in. He wasn’t here. I didn’t even need to look around. I could feel it. I stared at the bed where I had seen him with those two women, yet I didn’t see them. I saw him and me lying there. Him holding me while we talked. Him holding me while we watched movies. Him holding me as he kissed me. Him holding me as he thrust his body in and out of mine. All I saw was him and me.

  I shook my head as tears started to fall. I saw his pillow where it looked like he had hugged it to him. I walked over and sat down and pulled the pillow close. It was wet. He had cried. His tears had soaked the pillow, now mine were. He was gone and I had no idea where. No way of being able to find him. No way of telling him I forgave him. That I loved him. That I needed him, that I always would. I had no way of being with Bane.

  I saw movement in the doorway and looked up hopefully, only it was Eagle standing there. His face mirrored mine. He knew Bane was gone too and that neither of us knew where he was.

  “He’s gone?” my voice was raspy with all the tears I had shed.

  “Yeah.”

  “You don’t know where?”

  “No.”

  “You have no way of finding him?”

  “None.”

  “What are we going to do?”

  “I don’t fucking know, Kenzie. I just don’t fucking know.”

  He walked toward me and sat on the bed. He was clutching a paper and an envelope in his hand. He saw where my gaze had gone and he looked down at his hand. Slowly, as if it pained him to do it, he handed me an envelope. It had my name on it in Bane’s handwriting. With hands that shook, I opened the envelope and pulled the paper out. I almost couldn’t see to read what was on the page. My tears were already falling that hard again.

  Kenzie,

  I’m so sorry I did what I did. I know you can never forgive me for that. That will haunt me for the rest of my life knowing I broke my promise to you. Knowing that I hurt you.

  I saw the test. I know you’re carrying my child. Kenzie, you don’t want me to be the baby’s father. I don’t know how to be one. I’m bedeviled by so many horrible thoughts that I just can’t put that off on an innocent child. I’m afraid the demon in me would make me do something to cause our child the type of pain I feel. I don’t want to do that to our baby.

  You can tell him or her that their dad loved them, but just couldn’t be with them. Maybe that way they won’t have a demon plague them the way I have one that haunts me.

  Be with Eagle. You wanted him first. Let him claim you. Y’all be a couple. Let him raise the baby. He knows how to be a dad. He won’t fail you. He won’t let you down. He won’t break his promise.

  I love you, Kenzie. I always will.

  Bane

  I clutched the letter to me and drew into a ball and cried. I felt arms go around me and realized Eagle was once again holding me while I cried, only this time, he cried too. We cried for the man we both loved. We cried for a man so tormented by his demon that he felt the only way he could protect his child was to leave and let someone else raise his baby.

  And we cried because we didn’t know if we would ever see Bane again. Our world was now dark because Bane wasn’t here to bring the light in it.

  I listened to both of us crying and could hear the sound of two hearts shattering into millions of pieces because of the unbearable pain of losing Bane.

  ~***~

  Chapter 27

  The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing… that is a friend who cares.

  ~Henri Nouwen~

  Eagle

  March 12th, 1999

  It could have been minutes or it could have been hours later when Kenzie and I finally quit crying, I couldn’t tell you. It’s funny how you can feel so much pain when you were numb, I did. I honestly didn’t know what I was going to do, what we were going to do.

  I felt Kenzie’s fingers take my letter and read it. She silently offered me hers. After we both had read the others, we just looked at the other.

  Quietly she spoke, “I can’t ever be with you, Eagle.”

  “I know, Kenz. I couldn’t ever be with you either. You don’t love me any more than I love you.”

  “You’re right. I don’t love you. I love Bane. He’s the only man I want to be with.”

  We sat in silence for a while, each of us lost, not sure what to do. Finally, she stood up. I looked at her questioningly.

  “I’m going home, Eagle. Without Bane, there’s nothing for me here.”

  “Can I come with you?”

  She looked at me studying my face. What she saw must have let her know that I couldn’t handle being here either. Not without Bane.

  “Yeah, you can.”

  “You think maybe I can stay in your spare room?”

  “Yeah.”

  I nodded, got up and walked out the door. I heard her close Bane’s door as she stepped out of the room. It almost sounded like a death knell. She must have felt that way too because she choked on a sob. She followed me to my room where I took a gym bag and started loading it full of clothes. I wasn’t sure if I could ever live here again without Bane. I had a lot of thinking to do.

  I wasn’t even sure I could stay in the club. I just didn’t know. I put everything that meant anything to me in the bag and walked out the door. After Kenzie walked into the hall, I pulled the door shut behind me and, like we had left Bane’s door, I didn’t lock mine behind me either. There wasn’t anything left in there that I was worried about someone getting rid of.

  As we walked into the Great Room, silence started to fall. I saw Dog and Viper look at me, both men had a grim look of acceptance on their face. I didn’t even have my cut on. It was in my bag. They could tell that I might not walk back through the club’s doors. Kenzie and I walked silently out of the Clubhouse, there wasn’t anything to say to anyone. I put my bag in her car, got on my bike, started it, and followed her out of the compound.
I wasn’t sure when or even if I would be back. I simply didn’t know if I wanted to be there without Bane.

  ~*~

  Mad Dog

  “Fuck, I hope we didn’t just lose two men,” Viper muttered, his voice was low with sadness.

  “You and me both, Brother,” I replied.

  I hated this feeling. Usually, I could work out what to do. This past year, I had Viper to help me figure shit out if I couldn’t. Yet this time, both of us were clueless, neither of us knew the answer. That was a hell of a thing too, not knowing how to help a man whose back you were supposed to have.

  I thought back to a little earlier when I read the letter Bane had left for me.

  Prez,

  I want to thank you for your help. Please keep your promise of not telling anyone where I am. Maybe one day I’ll be back. I just don’t know.

  Bane

  Church rolled around and Eagle didn’t show. I saw all the men’s questioning looks. I honestly wasn’t sure what to say to them. This was the first time that Bane and Eagle hadn’t been to Church since they accepted their cuts. That was telling all on its own.

  “Prez?” Brute spoke up.

  “Yeah?” I knew what he was going to ask. How do I answer his question?

  “Where’s Bane and Eagle?”

  I dropped my head as a deep sigh left me. What do I tell them? I couldn’t tell them everything. Yet they needed to know something.

  I looked back up and glanced at all the men in the room. Men that had been Brothers with Bane and Eagle for years. Men that had known them even before they started prospecting. Men that had known them since birth. Men that were a part of their blood family.

  “Bane told Viper and me he needed some time. He asked to go nomad. I granted it. How long he will be gone I don’t know. To tell you the truth, I’m not sure if he will ever be back.”

  I saw shocked looks cross the faces of my Brothers.

  “I’m not going to get into specifics, let me just say that I’ve learned that Bane has a demon he has fought for a large portion of his life. I realize none of us knew this, if we did maybe we could have helped him. The demon he is fighting is what has caused his request. Eagle only learned about this demon a short time ago, as did I. Eagle’s been trying to help him. We thought things were going okay. Something happened that caused Bane to snap. His business, not for me to tell you.

  “Eagle learned today that Bane left last night. That it’s a very good possibility he may not ever be back. Most of you know that Eagle and Bane grew up together, those boys have always been thicker than thieves. From the time they could even say the word motorcycle they were in love with them. It was known from a young age that they both wanted to join the club one day. That’s what they worked for and achieved.

  “Bane leaving has destroyed something in Eagle. I know most of you saw him walk out earlier today. He’s hurting. He doesn’t know what to do right now. What he wants. I’m letting you know right now that I am giving him all the time he wants, the time he needs. He will not be kicked out of this club because he’s not coming to Church or because he’s not participating. He is dealing with a demon in his own right.

  “Some of you have been lucky enough in life that you haven’t encountered something so traumatic that it changes everything you know, your world changes completely. I have. I know how thoughts can mess up a man’s head. Thoughts that wounds your soul so deep it can make a man think and do things he normally wouldn’t.

  “I’m here to tell you, while we might not be able to physically help them with anything right now, this club will be here if they decide to come back. That’s all we can do. If anyone has an issue with my decision, you can take it up with me later. But by God, I will not withdraw this club’s support while a man is down. That is not this club and, if I have my way, it will never be this club. We are better than that.”

  I watched as sorrow crossed my Brothers’ faces as they realized that we could lose two of us. Two men who had supported this club with their all. I think this is the first time I wished I’d been able to miss Church other than when Beth had been killed. My heart was heavy.

  In a voice filled with pain, Sarge called out, “Our Own We Protect.”

  This time the resounding chorus wasn’t loud like it normally was, instead it was answered in low husky voices matching Sarge’s pain, “We Protect Our Own.”

  Later that night, I got a call from Spyder.

  “Your boy made it. Fuck, Dog. I’ve never seen someone look like he did when he got here.”

  Me, Mr. Don’t Get Real Emotional, was scared to hear what else he had to say.

  I cleared my throat and roughly asked, “How’s that?”

  “Dead man walking, Brother. There was no life in his eyes at all. He never said a word. I’d informed the men to be on the lookout for him, told them he might not be in good shape. He was brought straight away to me. I showed him a room, he nodded at me, walked in and closed the door. Before I even got ten-feet down the hall I could hear him sobbing. Saddest damn sound I’ve ever heard.”

  “Keep an eye on him.”

  “Will do, Brother.”

  I closed my eyes at what I said next, “Call me if something happens.”

  This time I heard Spyder clearing his throat. “I will, Dog. God forbid anything like that happens.”

  I hung up the phone and was plagued all night by thoughts of failure. I held Troy to me and swore I would make sure he would never be in any doubt of my love for him. He would know his dad always loved him, no matter what. How I wished Bane had had that.

  ~*~

  Eagle

  March 27th, 1999

  For the third Friday in a row, I missed Church. I couldn’t bring myself to care. Kenzie and I both had taken a week off work that first week Bane was gone. Neither of us could make ourselves leave her apartment. She would sit on one end of the couch, I’d sit on the other and we’d stare mindlessly at whatever was on TV.

  The times she cried, I’d hold her. If my tears fell too, there was no one to see. It felt like we were in mourning. I couldn’t seem to pull myself out of this mood. I would go to work and come back to Kenzie’s. That comprised of my days. I was pretty sure Kenzie’s were a mirror of mine. We were like two ghosts that were trapped forever in a place we didn’t care if we ever left.

  The only time we did go out was to buy groceries and, even then, we hardly ate. I started to worry about her. I was afraid of the state of mind she was in. I was scared her lack of eating was going to end up hurting the baby. It was time to say something.

  “Kenz.”

  “Yeah.”

  Anymore her voice was so quiet, so hopeless, it was hard to hear her speak.

  “I’m worried that you’re going to harm the baby the way you haven’t been eating and as much as you’ve cried.”

  The look on her face made my heartache.

  “Does it really matter, Eagle?”

  “What do you mean, Kenzie?”

  “This baby made me lose Bane.”

  “Kenzie, you can’t think like that. Bane left so his child could be raised in a loving environment.”

  “I don’t feel very loving right now, Eagle.”

  I asked her softly, “How do you think Bane would feel about you not loving his child?”

  Shock hit her face, then horror at the words she had spoken. She moaned and clasped her hands to her stomach.

  “Oh, god. What have I been doing? Do you think I’ve hurt the baby?”

  Her ever present tears were sliding down her face as she asked me my opinion. I didn’t have a clue though.

  “I think we need to get Doc to check you out. How far along are you, Kenz?”

  I saw her mentally counting, “Almost twelve weeks.”

  I nodded and pulled out my phone. I texted Ranger.

  Me: Can you have Doc call me?”

  Ranger: Yeah, give me a few.

  Me: Thanks.

  Ranger: Told you a long time ago, I’ve got yo
ur back.

  Yes, he had told me that, back when I was wallowing in a pity party. Instead, someone should have had Bane’s back. Soon the phone rang, I answered it and told Doc all my concerns.

  “I want to see her as soon as possible.”

  “Okay, Doc. That will help ease our minds.”

  “Meet me at my office in forty-five minutes. Pull around back.”

  “Will do, Doc. Thanks.”

  Kenzie had her head tilted trying to figure out what had gone on in our conversation.

  “Taking you to see Doc in forty-five minutes.”

  Her eyes widened and she jumped to her feet.

  “I need a shower. I haven’t shaved my legs in weeks.”

  For the first time since Bane had left, I laughed. It sounded rusty from disuse. Kenzie flew out of the room muttering about thoughtless men. My smile stayed on my face until I thought about how Bane should be the one taking her to her appointment. Then all I felt was sad again.

  I knew Kenz and I had to somehow get out of this funk. I just didn’t know how. Forty minutes later found us sitting in Doc’s back parking lot. Five minutes later, Ranger pulled in with Doc on the back of his bike.

  We got out of the car while they were getting off the bike. We followed Doc inside. While Kenzie went into the exam room with Doc, I waited in the hallway with Ranger.

  “Need to come back to the club, Brother.”

  I sighed. I had known as soon as I saw him that he was going to say something.

  “Not sure if I can, Ranger.”

  He glanced sharply at me.

  “What do you mean?”

  “Not sure if I want to be in the club without Bane.”

  “You fucking always wanted to be in the club.”

  “Yeah, I did. Bane and I both wanted to. It was our dream. A dream we had together. I’m just not sure if I want the dream without him being here.”

  “Eagle, you can’t be that way. I don’t know what all is going on, but you have to let us have your back. To be there for you.”

  “I wish someone had always been there for Bane.”