James Graham Plays 2

by James Graham

  Assistant Officer Good moaning.

  Sutch There you go. My papers, all in order I think you will find.

  Assistant Officer Papers? For what?

  Sutch For this constituency.

  Assistant Officer There is no inconsistency.

  Sutch No, this constituency. Finchley.

  Assistant Officer But sir, this is just an humble toon hall, going about its normal everyday business. You have made a bug mistook. Excuse me.

  He stands and leaves. Sutch hovers uncertainly, a Deputy Returning Officer (MICHELLE) appears out from underneath the table.

  Deputy Officer Psst! You must listen very carefully. I shall say this only once.

  She flicks a switch and the table flips to become a registration desk.

  I am the Deputy Returning Officer, and I will register you, quickly.

  Sutch But, the other officer said –

  Deputy They do no want you to join. It is a trap, and we must resist!

  The Chief Returning Officer (HERR FLICK) arrives.

  Chief Officer Excuse me, I am ze Chief Returning Officer, vat is going on?

  Sutch Oh, nothing at all, Herr Chief, haha. I was just, er, trying to sign up for the local dance that you occupiers have kindly enforced upon on us this Friday night.

  Chief Officer You dance ze Spitzen-Schuhplatter?

  Sutch Do I dance the –

  Deputy Officer (whispering from her hiding place). Spitzen Schuhplatter?

  Sutch – Spitzen schuhplatter? (to Deputy) – thank you (to Chief) – why, I teach classes in it!

  Chief Officer Then what are we waiting for! They embark on the elaborate leg kicky thigh slappy dance together.

  Chief Officer I see you are going for the Saschen-Anhalt variation, an interesting choice. (Stopping.) Now, may I be serious for a moment?

  Sutch A serious German, surely not.

  Chief Officer Vat is ze real reason behind your visit here?

  Sutch (sighs). Very well, I confess. I am here to register to stand.

  Chief Officer Well that’s fine.

  Sutch It is?

  Chief Officer But of course. We are not monsters.

  He shoos the Deputy away and takes his seat.

  That vill be £500, please.

  Sutch Excuse me?

  Chief Officer Ze deposit.

  Sutch It’s gone up?

  Chief Officer Yes. It has.

  Sutch You . . . you cannot just do that.

  Chief Officer Ze leader can do whatever she sees fit. Ve want more – decorum, brought to the proceedings.

  Sutch I can bring decorum.

  Chief Officer Your papers say you’re planning to stand behind her at the count, vith a tin opener, trying to ‘open ze Iron Lady’s head’.

  Sutch (laughs) Yeah, yeah, I am planning to do that, yeah.

  Chief Officer £500, please.

  The Chief Officer begins to laugh a wicked laugh, beginning small, growing bigger.

  Sutch You won’t get away with this. I’ll be back! You just watch!

  He storms off, and grabs hold of who we’ll later discover to be BALDRICK, kicking him around.

  BLACKADDER

  Another ‘Monster Raving Loony Party’ conference at the Golden Lion.

  Stuart (BALDRICK), Alan (MELCHETT), Pauline (QUEENIE) and the Barmaid (PERCY) already present around the table, as Sutch (BLACKADDER) arrives.

  Sutch Can you believe it?! They have more cheek than Cheeky the Chipmunk, who has stuffed his cheeks so full of nuts, he can barely fit through the door of the annual Cheeky Chipmunk Contest, and is feeling particularly cheeky about it.

  Alan Beerrr come man, don’t sulk like a ninny! What’s the matter with you?

  Sutch Oh nothing, just another day, another opportunity for those who Lord themselves up us peasants to open their arses and empty their bowels all over my plans to get out of here.

  Pauline Oh really, that’s horrid, what a thing to say.

  Stuart Don’t you worry sir, I have a cunning plan to raise you £500. We raid the membership coffers.

  Barmaid Ooh, well sir, I wouldn’t do that, if I were you, that money is to be saved for a rainy day.

  Sutch This is England. Every day is a rainy day.

  Alan Well I don’t think you’re going to like the news I am about to deliver, given your current mood.

  Sutch Let me guess. You’ve an incurable disease known as Thickess Shitus, and it’s finally spread to what remains of your brain.

  Alan No.

  Sutch Oh, shame.

  Alan Well is a trifle awkward, actually –

  Pauline Oh I’ll just tell him. David, Alan here . . .

  Sutch What . . .?

  Pauline The local council elections.

  Sutch Yes?

  Pauline . . . Alan won.

  A gasp, everyone standing.

  Sutch You did what?

  Alan I won, a seat on the Devon Council.

  Sutch I . . . I . . .

  Stuart Hooray!

  Sutch (pokes him in the eye) No, it is not hooray, not hooray at all.

  Alan I did try to lose, really I did. But – well, the people of Devon must be madder than we thought. Berrrr!

  Sutch Now you wait, just a minute –

  JUST A MINUTE

  The radio panel show – Sutch (PAUL MERTON), Nicholas Parsons, Sandi Toksvig and Julian Clary.

  Parsons It’s time for – Just a minute! Yey!

  The theme music.

  On today’s panel, Sandi Toksvig, Julian Clary and Screaming Lord Sutch. Contestants must speak for one minute with no hesitation, deviation or repetition. Screaming Lord Sutch, it’s your turn to go first, and the subject you’ll be speaking on first is – the great British election!

  Sutch (as MERTON) I love General Elections because it’s the only day of the year where I can go into a primary school with the sole aim of bringing down the British government, and not be arrested on site. I myself as a citizen of this country have stood against the standing Prime Minister on over 10 occasions now –

  Clary (buzzes) Repetition.

  Parsons Yes, I’m afraid it has been quite repetitive hasn’t it. Very well, Julian, your minute starts now.

  Clary Well I like a good scream, as many of you will know, but this obsession with trying to get strangers to fill your box instead of other people’s boxes . . . it seems a little sadistic to be honest.

  Toksvig (buzzes) Deviation.

  Parsons Well, being a deviant is not necessarily the same thing as deviation, but we’ll give you the benefit of the doubt. Restart the clock. Sandi.

  Toksvig You know, I was, thinking, the other day, about our friend the Lord Sutch here. Is he up there, I ask, with the greats. Tony Hancock, Kenneth Williams, John Major? What a lot of them shared is how utterly miserable they were on the inside. And I wonder –

  Sutch (buzzes). Deviation, deviation. I myself have a very healthy personal and emotional life, as it happens. I’ve had many girlfriends, and in fact, I had a woman in my life who was lucky enough to give me a son recently. True, they both left this sceptre’d isle for America, because in the end, I didn’t marry her –

  Clary (buzzes) He hesitated, that’s why she left.

  Parsons Yes it does sound like a hesitation, so over to Julian.

  Clary Our elections have become cheap and nasty farces, a freak show where these lunatics stand even though they have no chance of winning.

  Sutch (buzzes) That’s not true, we have several council seats now. And in the Bootle by-election, we came THIRD! Third, ahead of the SDP, that’s one of the reasons why their party collapsed, because of us! Us! No, wait, wait, wait –

  Clary and Sandi are buzzing. As the noise grows and grows and grows.

  ONLY FOOLS AND HORSES

  The town hall again – a Returning Officer (BOYCIE) and his Assistant (MARLENE) at the
issuing desk as Sutch (DEL BOY) arrives with Stuart (RODNEY).

  Sutch Alright, play it cool, Stuart, play it cool, know what I mean. (Presenting his papers.) Here you are, avec une la nomination papers, por le vou!

  Returning Officer Marlene, kindly check these papers, my sweet. I trust you have come here with your financial affairs in order.

  Sutch Of course, tout suite. Take cash, do you?

  Returning Officer Cash? Bit vulgar isn’t it?

  Sutch Vulgar, it’s got the Queen’s head on it, don’t get that with a cheque, do you Stuart?

  Stuart No, that’s right, you don’t.

  Sutch Here.

  Assistant I’m afraid I’ve found a problem.

  Returning Officer Oh no, a problem you say. Quelle Surprise, Marlene.

  Assistant Your second nominee. They should have signed there, and there. But instead they’ve signed there, and there.

  Returning Officer Oh yeah, you see, the form, you see. We’ve changed it. (Smiles.)

  Sutch Changed it?

  Returning Officer Yeah. Just subtly. But we changed it.

  He gives his Boycie laugh.

  Sutch But you can’t do that. It’s too complicated, obviously. (At Stuart.) Even he couldn’t do it, and he’s got 3 GCEs.

  Stuart You can’t do this. He always stands, that’s what he does.

  Sutch Quick, give me some more papers.

  Returning Officer (at his watch) Whoops, sorry, the deadline to issue new papers has passed.

  Another laugh. Sutch seethes, turns on his heels, and exits, grabbing a bottle and taking a swig, shoving some pills down his throat as well, as –

  ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS

  Another ‘Monster Raving Loony’ conference at the Golden Lion.

  Sutch (EDWINA), still swigging from her bottle, is with Pauline (PATSY) facing Stuart (SAPPHIE) stood shamefacedly nearby.

  Sutch Darling. Stuart, darling, what do mean, tell mummy it isn’t true.

  Stuart It is true, I’m sorry –

  Pauline Treacherous bitch!

  Sutch No, don’t speak to my darling Stewie, like that, you don’t mean it, do you? You’re just teasing mummy, aren’t you? You aren’t really leaving . . .

  Stuart I am, I’m sorry. I’ve been offered an actual seat, by . . . by the Conservatives.

  Pauline starts to wretch violently.

  Sutch It’s alright Pauline, it’s alright, deep breaths, suck it in – look what you’ve done!

  Stuart I’m going to become a real MP, with real powers! Isn’t that a good thing?!

  Pauline The Tories! Of course you would choose the ugly, stiff, frigid ones, you’ll fit right in!

  Sutch You may as well have ripped my heart out and swallowed it, and then shat it out and fed it back to me, darling that would have left a better taste in my mouth than this! Why Stewie, darling, why?!

  Stuart I grew up! David.

  I’m – sorry. But. We’re not teenagers, anymore. This is the world as it is. And it’s time to take that seriously. I want to be a part of it, and contribute, something, serious.

  I’ll always be a loony at heart. I – I will. I . . . I love you. (He goes.)

  Sutch No, Stuart, no, wait, we want you to stay, (to Pauline), don’t we, tell Stewie. Tell him we want him to stay with us. Stuart!

  The Band Member spins some more records, different tracks and songs throughout the period, growing louder and more distorted, as on the television we flicker through the sleaze of the Major years, the arrival of New Labour and Tony Blair . . .

  ALAN PARTRIDGE

  Sutch (PARTRIDGE) at the decks, speaking into the mic.

  Sutch A-ha! You’re listening to Harrow Hospital Radio, where your guest DJ today is none other than – David Sutch! Playing you all the golden oldies you remember, unless you’re in the dementia ward in which case good afternoon, it’s 1968 and this is the Top 40 countdown! But seriously, I’d like to dedicate this next one to a very special lady listening to this – she’s been the Number 1 woman in my life, I can hear your awwwhing, except from the respiratory ward, where I can detect a rather touching wheeze. I’m talking about my dear old mum. And normally, of course, for any fans out there – you would know that this is a very special day for other reasons. It is of course, the election, May 1st, 1997. And I would normally be there, out on the stumps, I haven’t missed a single one in decades, you know, except when it wasn’t my fault, it was the system’s fault. Still, I am missing it for you, mum, who I know is listening in her ward –

  (Pauline enters.)

  – and tonight, you can still catch me, and my band The Savages, at the South Harrow Social Club. Not now, Pauline, I’m sorry. Everyone, my assistant and dear friend has just arrived, with a rather sombre-looking expression on her face. She’s shaking her head back and forth gravely, as if to hint at me, some bad news. Pauline, just give me a quick nod, is it about my mum?

  It is about my mum, she’s nodding dear listeners. Pauline, is my mum listening to this?

  She’s shaking head now, listeners – gosh, it’s like one of those awful dramas you get on Radio 4 where clocks tick in studies and people are forever walking on gravel. Why don’t they lay down some paving slabs in afternoon plays, that’s what I want to know.

  Well – Mother – you’re clearly listening to me now on the wireless in the sky, so despite my own personal tastes, which are impeccable, here’s one of your favourite tunes, just for you . . .

  He plays Shirley Bassey’s ‘THIS IS MY LIFE’, and stands, moving away from the decks. Behind him, on the television, Tony Blair sweeps to victory.

  He turns the television off with a remote and removes his headphones, stepping forward.

  Pauline Are you alright?

  Sutch No, I’m kind of wrapped up in soul-crushing grief at the moment, Pauline.

  Pauline You could – go out. There’s still time. You could go to the count. Say something. About her. A lovely little speech . . .

  Sutch Speeches are for the winners, and I don’t win. That’s the whole – why is that so hard for you to get your oddly shaped head around? Chaplin didn’t have a voice his entire career, until the very end, when the world got so utterly mental he had to say something.

  Pauline David –

  Sutch You think it’s been a waste of time, don’t you? Admit it. It’s all utterly pointless.

  Pauline No, of course not.

  Sutch Well then tell me, clever clogs, what is the point, because, hahaha, I’m not sure I know anymore, if I’m honest.

  Pauline David, it’s OK to be sad –

  Sutch A lifetime just standing there, on stage, wearing a silly costume.

  Pauline You can drop the act.

  Sutch What act? There isn’t an act. It’s all an act. I am the act. Where’s the act? I haven’t got an act. We’re all an act!

  He starts doing a mock, old-school tap-dancing act, increasingly manic, lifting his top hat up and down, spinning, turning . . .

  We’re all just tap-dancing on the pier, as it sinks slowly into the cold, English sea. All you can do is laugh the way down. Hahahahahahaha!

  Pauline grabs and holds him awkwardly, and he stops. A beat. She turns to go . . . but stops briefly, facing away from him.

  Pauline The point, David. When you’re up on stage at those counts with the rest of those grey-faced, straight-laced, miserable, lying bastards. Is that you’re the only one up there who isn’t wearing a costume . . .

  Beat. She goes . . .

  Alone again, briefly . . . Sutch half-attempts ‘The Tramp’ again. The silent clown . . . The TV screen flickers on. ‘THE GREAT DICTATOR’, staring Chaplin.

  The lines we heard from before . . .

  ‘You must speak’. ‘I can’t’. ‘You must. It’s our only hope’. ‘Hope’ . . .

  Sutch watches. Chaplin approaching the mic. Searching for something to say . . .

  ‘I’m sorry.
But I don’t want to be an emperor. That’s not my business. I should like to help everyone, if possible . . . We all/ want to help each other . . .

  Sutch (overlapping with him) We all want to help one another. Human beings are like that. We want to live by each other’s happiness, not by each other’s misery.

  To those who can hear me, I say – do not despair. The misery that is now upon us is but the passing of greed – the bitterness of men who fear the way of human progress. The hate of men will pass, and dictators die, and the power they took from the people will return to the people. And so long as men die, liberty will never perish . . .!

  The sound of cheers from the film – Sutch, fists clenched, face pained, as he begins to disappear . . .

  . . . the lights of the social club return. Stark, everyday. The Band are packing away. Sutch sits on a stool. Band Member Good show, I thought. Tonight. Dave?

  Sutch (as himself, whatever that is, for the very first time) I don’t know what I’ll do.

  Band Member Who are you doing now, I can’t tell.

  Sutch I’m not doing anyone.

  Band Member What?

  Sutch I said I’m not ‘doing’ anyone, this is just – this is me.

  Band Member Oh. Well. Sorry, David. I know you were close, and all.

  Sutch ‘Sic transit gloria.’ I looked it up. ‘Sic transit gloria.’ It’s Latin.

  Band Member Sorry. They didn’t do that at my school. We didn’t even have a motto.

  Sutch Me neither. The Emperors, in Rome. They used to employ this little chap to walk behind ’em, during parades and things. His job was to stand behind the Emperor, and keep whispering that into his ear – ‘sic transit gloria’. ‘Glory fades.’ It was to keep them grounded. Remind them of how fragile it all was . . .

  I always thought people would think . . . ‘If he’s bloody standing . . .’

  Band Member . . . Are you going to be alright? At home. Sorting everything. You got people to help you, with all the –

  Sutch I’ll be fine.

  The Band Member goes.

  Sutch You stupid boy . . . Suits you sir –

  Just like that –

  Here’s a very naughty boy! – I have a cunning plan –

  Ooh you are awful, but I like you – I don’t believe it! –

  That’s goodnight from me and it’s goodnight from him –

  Tonight Matthew I’m going to . . . tonight Matthew I’m going to be . . . tonight Matthew I’m going to be . . .!