Love, Lust & Friendship

by Elizabeth Stevens

  I sighed heavily. “Fine. The dillweed goes on the list.”

  “Thank you.” He put his arm back around me and we kept walking.

  “How about,” I steeled myself to hear exactly what I’d been avoiding, “Tess?”

  I watched Ander give this weird little smile I hadn’t seen on his face much. I knew he was in deep if that smile was coming out. That was his totally unconscious smile, the one he only wore when he thought of something (read: someone) that made him really happy. He had no control over it and I’d never seen the aftermath go well. But, I was there for him through rain or shine. If he wanted Tess March, it was not my job to tell him otherwise.

  Best Friend 101: we let each other make our own mistakes (unless called in for help).

  “Tess is…Tess,” he said cryptically and I bit back every single acidic retort I wouldn’t have hesitated to blurt out had I been with Tate.

  “Good. So, this joining the AV club thing was a good idea, then?”

  He nodded. “I think so. She’s really nice, babe. Like, really nice. And, she’s so pretty. The way she smiles. And, the way she gets really passionate about film…” He sighed and did this weird semi-swooning thing mid-step which looked totally weird given how tall he was.

  This was also a bad sign – if you were as hell-bent as me on believing in the impending doom Tess was going to rain down on him. Had he been crushing on anyone else, I probably would have seen it as a good thing, an exciting thing. This was proper, full-blown crush behaviour. Like, ‘he could seriously fall for this girl’ behaviour.

  Support! I snapped at myself and decided I’d stop being doom and gloom.

  “Okay, good,” I chuckled.

  I wanted to ask if he thought she felt the same. But, given I wasn’t exactly pro-Tess, I was worried it would come out judgemental. Still, I would in any other circumstance, so I had to give it a go.

  “And, do we know how she’s feeling about you?” I asked as cavalierly as possible.

  Given he just grinned even wider, I think I got away with it. “I think it’s good.” He pressed his lips together like he was trying to stop smiling so much, or he didn’t want to jinx anything by saying more.

  God, the look of excitement on his face tugged at my heart. But, no. I was being supportive about it. Sure, I’d always want to protect his heart with a ten-foot moat, six Gatling guns, Xerxes’ army, and a hundred dragons. But, his heart would only find a good home if he went looking for it. And, it would inevitably get broken along the way.

  Support! Say it with me now. Support!

  “It’s good?” I said, putting on my most supportive, excited face.

  Well, for me. I was still the cynic. I get too excited and he’d know something was up.

  He nodded, those dark blue eyes just glowing. “Yeah. I think so.”

  Well, Ander had always had a better knack for these things than me… Until the girls threw themselves at his older brother, of course. But, I chose to believe that most of the ones his crush had progressed with did like him for a bit.

  Please let Tess be different, I asked anyone who was listening.

  I knew I couldn’t stop Ander falling in love, just like I couldn’t convince my mum to stop loving my dad, or convince my dad to love my mum again. Love seemed to have this weird way of being where it shouldn’t. All I could do was hope it never happened to me.

  Chapter Eight

  “So, yours or mine?”

  I glared at him and he gave a rough chuckle as he changed gears.

  “What?” he asked, innocently.

  I shook my head and went back to my phone. “You’re nasty.”

  “Oh, you have no idea.”

  I looked at Topher again and he winked, but this felt more like our usual banter than anything post-kiss related, so I didn’t freak out or get that weird hitching or fluttering or anything more than the usual bemused annoyance.

  I went back to my phone. “Ew. But, yours.”

  “Don’t need to pick anything up today?”

  “No. Even if I did, I’d rather go shopping with you than go there.”

  Topher was quiet and I looked at him to find him nodding slowly. “Your dad’s home again this week, huh?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Also, what do you mean you’d rather go shopping with me? How is that a bad thing?” he laughed as he threw a look at me.

  “You’d probably make me try on all those dresses and pink shit,” I answered with a grimace.

  Although, if I was so opposed to it, why had I been adding pictures that could be described as ‘those dresses and pink shit’ to my secret Pinterest board? And had just added one more. I shut down all apps and dropped my phone in my lap hurriedly and cleared my throat.

  “I wouldn’t because I know you don’t do girly.”

  I couldn’t get a read on his tone. Was that a good thing? Was it a bad thing? Was it neither and it just was? I figured I could ask Saint Basils’ Most Wanted for one or two tips.

  “Is that bad?”

  “Is what bad?” he asked, focussing on the road.

  “That I don’t do girly.”

  “Is this about some recent crush that went poorly?”

  I looked out my window in case he took his eyes off the road. “No. I just wondered what Mr Popular Dillweed thought.”

  He huffed a laughed. “I think it shouldn’t matter what you wear–”

  “Why? Because we all look the same underneath?” I interrupted, feeling antsy suddenly.

  “No,” he chuckled. “Well, I mean, yes. But, that’s not why.”

  “Then, why?”

  “Because if a guy only likes you when you’re someone you’re not, then can you be sure he even likes you?”

  “Can’t I be more than one thing?”

  “Of course you can.”

  “I mean, I could be the alt girl, but I could also be the girly girl sometimes, couldn’t I? That’s not wrong.”

  “No, it’s not…”

  I knew what he’d left off the end of that sentence because it was what was going through my mind. “As long as I wasn’t just doing it for him.”

  “Exactly.”

  I groaned and slouched in the seat. “How am I supposed to know the difference?”

  “You found a sudden urge to buy a pink dress with that newfound love for the Russian Revolution?” he asked and I heard the smile in his voice.

  I rolled my head on the headrest and looked at him. I opened my mouth to answer ‘no’, but stopped.

  He looked at me for a second from the corner of his eyes. “Have you?” he asked quickly, like he was panicked or didn’t believe it or something.

  I sighed and looked forward again. “I don’t know. I don’t hate the idea of looking…pretty sometimes.”

  “What did Lex say?” he said hurriedly like that wasn’t what he really wanted to say.

  I frowned in confusion. “When?”

  “When you told him.”

  “I haven’t told him exactly.”

  “Why not?”

  “Well, it’s not like I was keeping it a secret,” I answered defensively. “I just didn’t really think about it in such obvious terms before now.”

  “Lex’ll know.”

  “I’m asking you.”

  “Since when do you trust my advice over Lex’s?” he asked as he stopped at the lights.

  “Since you’re impartial.”

  He looked at me fully, a humoured smirk on his face. “I’m not impartial, Addy.”

  I flushed and looked away from him. I suppose that’s what I’d meant when I’d said he was impartial – he obviously saw me more like a girl; to Topher, I wasn’t his best friend, I was a girl with the potential for being attracted to or not.

  “Fine. But, Ander’s totally biased towards the ‘never seeing me in anything relating to hookup potential’ way, so he’s a little useless here.”

  And, he was. A
nder and I had tried talking about these things before and he just couldn’t get past the whole ‘you’re perfect to me so all guys should just think you’re perfect, too’. He had zero ability to look at me the way any other guy might look at me (they didn’t look at me, but that wasn’t the point). He could make jokes about things like sexy underwear to get laid, but serious things were not his forte. I loved him with my whole heart, but it was super annoying sometimes. Especially when I seemed more than capable of taking off my best-friend hat and giving him advice on what I thought girls would like. But, I guess that was Ander; he had far too much heart when it came down to it and chose to see the best in people.

  Usually, Tate was much better at these things. But, Tate wasn’t there and it was less easy with Tate somehow.

  “So, you want me to…what exactly?” Topher asked slowly.

  “I don’t know. Tell me what you think guys see when they look at me. What is it about me that makes them…not want me?”

  Topher took a deep breath. “Uh. Well, I’ve heard a few things, I guess. But, I don’t know if it’s what other guys see in you really. It’s just stories, jokes, you know.”

  “Things like what?”

  He shrugged. “That you’re too easy. That you’re a prude. That you’re into girls. That you’re Lex’s–”

  Really? “What?”

  “You hang out exclusively with four guys, Ads. People are going to wonder what’s going on there.”

  “Seriously?”

  “Well, it’s not like anyone really believes any of it… As far as I can tell. But, they wonder. It’s high school, we’re teenagers, they gossip and they wonder. One girl and four guys isn’t unheard of, but it’s…different. Then, there’s the way you dress… And–”

  “What do you think?”

  “What?” he scoffed.

  “What do you think? Do you think any of those things?”

  “No, Ads. I don’t.”

  “Why not?”

  He chuckled almost self-consciously. “I know you. And, I happen to have some recent experience that makes me think the first three are bullshit–”

  “Excuse me?” So much for no post-kiss related conversation. At least I wasn’t freaking out. It was just weird.

  “Well, if you were too easy, you wouldn’t have pulled away. If you were too prudish, you wouldn’t have pushed me into the wall. If you were only into girls, then… Again, probably wouldn’t have kissed me like that. As for being Lex’s. That’s laughable. There is less sexual spark between you two than I’d have with a chilled towel.”

  “I did not need that visual.” And, I suddenly seemed stuck with it.

  “Enjoy.”

  “Ew,” I laughed.

  “Look, it wasn’t as bad as it could have been.”

  I burst into laughter. “No. Bad Christopher.”

  “What?”

  “Do not make me think of your dick.”

  “Why? Afraid you won’t stop?”

  I batted him as he pulled into his driveway. “More like afraid I will,” I teased. “And, then what would make me laugh when I’m upset?” I pouted at him.

  He nodded as he tried so hard not to laugh that he snorted. “Yeah, all right then. Clever, aren’t you?”

  “Smarter than you.”

  I made to get out, but he touched my arm gently. I looked back at him and found a weirdly…almost vulnerably sincere look on his face. There was a slight tinge of hesitancy to it, like he was unsure about what he wanted to say.

  “You are pretty, Ads. But, it’s not just what’s on the outside that makes a girl hot. Clothes, hair, complexion, the perfect nose – whatever that is – it’s more than all that. And every guy likes something different on the outside. But, what you have? What makes you, you?” He gave me a soft smile that didn’t reach the worry in his eyes. “When a guy pulls his head out of his horny teenage ass long enough to notice you’re more girl than the rest of them and just don’t have to prove it? What you have will bring him to his knees, Addy.”

  We just looked at each other for a few seconds, something warming me up that had nothing to do with lust. I wasn’t going to call it a crush, because that was stupid. I was not crushing on my best friend’s big brother. But, there were the makings of something more like friendship maybe. Something that was less like an annoying older brother and something more like a friend, someone I could actually enjoy hanging out with.

  I gave him a sincere smile. “Thanks, Toph.”

  He shrugged. “I’m not Lex, but I know some things.”

  My smile grew more wry. “Shame what I have on the outside is putting them all off though, huh?”

  He scoffed. “Teenage boys are idiots. Trust me, I know.”

  “Oh, I know. I basically live with two of the biggest ones.”

  His grin was somewhere between brain-meltingly sexy and sincere. “Hey, we learnt from the best.”

  I knew he meant me, but… “Aunt Jelly’s wonderful!”

  He laughed. “Yeah, she is. Shame it hasn’t rubbed off on you.”

  I gasped. “Oh, so we’re not being serious now?”

  “No. I think it was giving me hives.”

  I snorted. “You look it. Oh, no, wait. That’s just your normal face.”

  He wrinkled his nose as he tried not to laugh. “Humour fades, but looks last forever, Addison.” He got out of the car and I followed.

  “You know, I don’t think that’s how that goes…” I mused.

  “Sure it is. As you get older, you get boring. As I get older, I stay hot.”

  I sniggered. “Nope. That is definitely not how it goes.”

  “Huh. Are you sure?” he asked, like he was legitimately coming around to my side of the argument.

  I nodded as he let us into the house. “I have it on excellent authority that I will never grow up and you peaked at like fifteen. It’s all downhill from here, dude.”

  “Huh. Well, at least I peaked, yeah?” he asked, throwing me a grin over his shoulder as I followed him up the stairs.

  “I think that’s generally regarded as a poor move.”

  “Good to know. Good to know.” He stopped at his bedroom door. “But, you thought I was hot at fifteen?” He smirked.

  “I said you peaked. That does not insinuate you were hot.”

  I’d thought he was hot at any age, really. Well, ten-year-old me hadn’t really known what it was all about. But, looking back on it, it was obvious I’d always had a little bit of a thing for his face.

  “I call bullshit.”

  “You can call whatever you like, Topher.”

  He leant towards me and I didn’t move away. “Epic. Bullshit.”

  I felt myself smiling. “How would you know?”

  “You kissed me.”

  “I kissed you three years later.”

  “So, you admit you kissed me?”

  I shrugged. “Only after you kissed me first.”

  He nodded, his eyes shining brightly. “I did do that.”

  “To shut me up of all things.”

  He grinned. “You were being annoying.”

  “It’s one of my primary objectives in life to annoy you, Toph. Always has been.”

  “Then, it’s surprising I haven’t shut you up before now, isn’t it?”

  “Ander was certainly surprised.”

  He started, obviously shocked. “You told Lex?”

  “Of course I told him. I tell him everything.”

  Did Christopher look scared for a second there? “What did he say?”

  “What does it matter? It’s never happening again.”

  “Isn’t it?”

  I got that flutter and that breath hitch and I did really want it to happen again. But, that was the stupidest idea I’d ever had. And, I was the one who’d come up with our version of Gladiator.

  “No. It’s not.”

  “Scared of what Lex will think?”

&n
bsp; “No. I don’t make a habit of kissing people I don’t like.”

  “You don’t kiss people you don’t like the way you kissed me.”

  “It’s not happening again.”

  He nodded and pulled away from me. “No. Okay. Fair. We’ll just pretend it never happened then, yeah?”

  “That’d be great.”

  “Okay. I won’t mention it again.”

  “Good.”

  “Certainly won’t mention how much I want to do it again.”

  My stomach fluttered and I ignored it. “Good.”

  “I won’t even say anything when I can see you want it, too.”

  My breath hitched, but I stayed calm. “Good.”

  “No matter what happens, we won’t talk about it, yeah?”

  “Sounds good,” I said evenly.

  He ran his hand through his hair and nodded. “Cool. Well, I will see you later then, Ads.” And he just strode nonchalantly into his room as though he didn’t totally know the state he’d left me in.

  Hot and bothered, I went into Ander’s room and threw my bag on the floor.

  Topher had left me all sorts of antsy. I wanted to kiss him again. I really wanted to kiss him again. The kind of really wanted to kiss him that gave me this weird pent-up energy I didn’t know what to do with. And, I was annoyed I wanted to kiss him again. I was annoyed that he seemed to know I wanted to kiss him again. And, I was annoyed that I knew he wanted to kiss me again.

  But, not talking about it was good.

  We could just both pretend it hadn’t happened and get on with our lives.

  Lust totally burnt out.

  And, that’s all this was.

  Unfortunately placed lust, but just lust all the same.

  After pacing for a little while longer, I ripped off my tie and decided that a cup of tea would be amazing. Nothing like a cup of tea to solve the world’s problems.

  Music blared through Topher’s door as I went past and jogged down the stairs to the kitchen where I found Aunt Jelly staring into the fridge like she’d forgotten what food was.

  “Hey. When did you get home?” I asked her.