CLAIRE: (is it really love)

by Grace Gervas

  Received. Sheswallowed,andsuckedinadeepbreathwhilenoting thewordstoherhead.NoClaire,don'tfallforit.Shereminded herself,anddecidedtoturnoffthephonealtogether.Between workinguntillate,havingsandwichforlunch,discussingand revisingthedesigns,andreceivingfewcallsfromRyanthatshe deliberatelyignored,andonlyrepliedoneortwoofhistextsper diem;theweekeventuallyflewbyanditwasFridayonceagain. Nathanwalkedintotheirofficeandclaspedhishandswitha smile.

  "Okayguys,"hesaidwithapause."we'llbehavinga wrappingupmeetingafterlunch.We'refinallydonewiththis andIhopeeveryonewillgettosleepbetterthisweekend.Good jobeveryone!"Hesaidproudlyandgotrewardedwithcheers andhappycomments.Ithadbeenaveryhecticweek,andfor once,Clairefeltshewasreallydoingajob."Getyourselfready forMondayLevy,wearegoingtoSKandIhopeeverythinggoes well."

  Clairewasstartled."I'mgoingagain?"sheuttered.

  "Ofcourseyouare,whydoyoulooksurprisedwhilewe've beeninthistogetherfromthestart?"heremarked. "Um--well,nothing.It'sokay."Sherepliedandherbiggest horrorreturnedtohaunther.Itwassuchagreatrelieftofinally finishtheinfamousSKprojectatlast,however;eventhough theystillremainedwaryofwhatMr.RyanStevenswouldsay afterthenextpresentation.Allinalleveryoneseemedtobe optimisticastheymutuallysuggestedtogooutforaroundof drinksortwoatRocket.

  "Weshouldcelebrateforkillingthisproject,right?"Nathan asked,laterastheyweresigningoutforaday.

  "Sure,whynot?"Clairerepliedtotheinvite. "Cool!Onlyifyoupromisethatwewon'tgetbustedagain." Hereturnedjokinglyandtheysharedalaugh,alittlefarther fromthepryingeyeswhilewaitingfortheelevator'sdoorsto open.

  TheteamhadeightmembersexcludingNathanPanther, theleader;andeveryoneslippedintoaspaciouscabinoncethe doorsslidapart.Whatfollowedwasjustusualcheerfulremarks andfewstorieswhiledescendingthefloors.Clairewas exceptionallyquite;thinkingofonepersoninparticular.Her phonehasbeenoffthewholeday,andit'swhathadprevented herfromhearingawordfromRyan.Andshewasclearlymissing him.

  "WhataboutyouClaire?HowmuchcanyoubetthatLydia willgetwastedtonightasshealwaysdoes?"Itwasavoiceof ChristopherAmbrose,anotherjokerbeforeNathanPanther, whopluckedherfromthespace.

  "Huh?"Shegasped."Um--ahundredbucks?"Sheuttered withoutknowingandearnedherselffewimpressedgasps. "Woah!I'mteamClaireguys,Winnerstakeall.Sopraythat youdon'ttastemyshotsLydia,whichyousurelywill."Chrissaid andtheladyinquestionrolledhereyes.

  "Okaywhat'sgoingonagain?"ClaireaskedNathaninalow voice. Heshruggedwithagiggle."You'vejustearnedorlost yourselfsomecashhere.Youshouldstartpayingmoreattention tothemifyoudon'twanttocommitfewerrorsinfuture!"He saidcasuallyandthedoorsopenedatlast.

  "Oh,thanksforthewarning."Sherepliedandtheystarted movingout."SohowmuchdoIgetChris,incaseourbetwins?" Shedecidedtoindulgeintoateamconversationthatfilledthe quietlobbywithcollectivenoisesastheypassedthrough.Itwas alreadydarkoutside,probablyaroundseven-thirtyormore. Theywerelikehighschoolersontheirwayhomefromschool, givenhowchatteringandlaughingeveryonewas.

  SuddenlyNathanuttered,"Levy?"

  "Nathan?whatitit?"Shereplied,withherlaughstill lingeringherlips. "Overthere?"Hedirectedherwithhiseyes,andwhen followed,shesawashort,baldmanwithaplumpbelly;Mr. Cornwall,theircompanyPresident,talkingtoanotherman whosesightmadeherheartskipabeat;itwasapersonshe couldrecognizeinjustahalfofherglance,andshedidjustso.

  "Whatishedoinghere?Shethoughtoutloud.

  "Youshouldprobablyaskhimyourself."Nathansaid teasinglyandClaireshothimaglare. "No,let'sjustgobecauseIcouldreallyuseadrinktonight." Sheurgedhim,buttheloudlaughterfromtherestwasenough torepressthemfrombeingincognito.Thetwomenintopic werejustfewstepsaway,neartheimmediateparkinglotand thelightswereluminousenoughtospotbothdirections.

  "Ithinkit'snotagoodidea.YouknowthatbetterthanIdo, soareyousureyouwanttoleave?"Heinsisteduponseeingthat shewasn'tactuallydecisiveenough,justfromthelookofher face.Theyweremovingslowlyasfewofthemembershadgone tofetchtheircarsreadytohittheclub.

  "Ohdamnit!WhydoyouhavetobesohonestNathan?" shescoldeduponhisremark,andheonlylaughed. WhenClaireglancedoveragain,hereyescollidedwith Ryan's,whoseemedtohavebeenwatchingherforawhile.He wasdressedinablackofficesuit,withhishandsdugintohis pantspocketsasusual,andseeminglyhalf-interestedwith whatevertheStarlightPresidentwassaying.Herheartbeats acceleratedandsheswallowedhard.

  "GuysClairewon'tjoinusfordrinkstonight.Solet'sjustget goingalready,becauseI'mmissingmybedalready."Nathan mutteredandtherestofthegrouplookeddisappointed.

  "Ohno,that'sterrible!"criedChris.

  "RelaxAmbrose,she'lldefinitelypaythebet,rightLevy?" Nathancontrived.

  Clairechuckled."Ofcourse.Justkeepmepostedpartner!" shetoldChris,andit'swhensomeoneelsejumpedin. "Butwhyissheleaving?Ithoughtitwasateamthing,oris shetoogoodtojoin?"ItwasLydia'ssarcasticremark.Fromthe verystart,shehadbeenhostiletowardsClaire;shehatedthe latter'sguts,andshedidn'tlikeherbeingpartoftheteamso easilywhileittookherlongerthanthattobecomeareal designer.However,noneofthatseemedtobotherClaire,she onlysmiled.

  "NoLydia,I'lljoinyounexttime.I'mjusthavinganissue rightnow."saidClaireandNathansecondedbybreakingthe groupandallstartedheadingintothecars."Havefun!"Shetold himandhebeamedback.

  Afterashortsigh,Claireshiftedherattentionbacktothe oppositedirection,wheretheStarlightPresidentandRyanwere shakinghandsbeforetheformerwalkedaway,inacompanyof ayoungmanwhoseemedtobehisdriverorsomething.Itwas justRyanremained,andheregardedherwithalingeringsmile asifconcealingtheurgetoletoutarealone.Sheblewoffsome air,firmedthestrapsofherblackhandbagonhershoulder,and startedmarchingtowherehewasstanding.

  "Youlooktired."Ryanregardedherhalf-cordially-halfmockingly.

  "Ifitweren'tthatyou'retheboss,I'dsaythatyou'restalking me."Clairesaidwithsamemanners. Hemovedcloser."StalkingistoomuchClaire,butyou're notfartherfromthetruth."Hesmiledcharmingly,andthesight madehershudder.Shemissedhim,andsheadmittedinside. "Whyisyourphoneoff?"headdedwhileeyeingherintentlyas thoughhewasinspectingforanypossiblechanges.

  "BecauseIdecidedso."

  "Exactlywhydidyoudecideso?"

  "Becauseit'smineandIcandowhateverthehellIwant." shereplied.AndbecauseIwasavoidingyou,shethought. Ryanlaughed."Ithoughtyoumight'vechangedalittleina weektime,butno,you'restillasstubbornasever."heremarked andsheonlyshrugged."Wellsinceyou'vedeliberatelytriedto avoidme,Idecidedtocomeseeyoumyself.Howaboutdinner, hadonealready?"

  "Iwasgoingforfewdrinks,untilyoushowedupandIhad topostpone."sheansweredaccusingly.

  Hearchedhisbrows."Ohdrinks?With...?"

  Shesighed."NotNathan,buttheentireteamRyan,ifthat's whereyou'reheading."shesnappedandhesmiled."Youdo knowthatI'mstillangryatyou,don'tyou?"sheremindedhim. "Ido,butthat'snotthereasonwhyI'mhere,"hesaid."you rememberaboutdinnertomorrowright?becauseyouaccepted myinvitation."Heutteredanditcamelikeapang.

  Howcouldshehaveforgottenaboutit?Clairewondered whilebitingherlipssavagely.Sheknewhewasgongtouseit againsther.

  "Iremember,butthatwasbefore.Iwon'tbeabletomake it."Sherepliedwhileclaspingherlittlescarletjackettogether, andpinneditwithherfoldedarmsacrossherchest.

  "Ohreally?"Ryanmovedevencloser."WhatcancanIdo then?Becausegrandfatherisalreadyexpectingyou."his glisteningeyesshonedownather.

  Claireexhaledsharply."Idon'tbelieveyou;you'relyingjust soyoucantrapmeintocomingwithyou."Shecontradictedlike achild.Itwasdifficultenoughhavinghimsoclosetoherthatit stressedhernerves,andtherehewas,smilingboldlyather.

  "Okay,waitasecond."Ryanutteredandtuckedouthis cellphone;hetouchedthescreenwhileshewatchedhim, clueless,untilheplacedittohisear.

  Shequizzicallyfixedhereyesonhim,ashissmilewidened, andhishandreachedforherfaceandbrushedhercheek,which sheimmediatelypushedaway,causinghimtogigglelikealittle boy.Shenearlyjoinedin,forhelookedveryrelaxeddoingthose sillygesturesthatcostheragreatdealofbodyheat.Shehad probablymissedhimmorethatshethought.

  "You'resick!"Shesnappedandheimmediatelystarted talkingtotheoneonthephone. "Ohhigrandfather?"RyanstartedandClaireshothima what-the-hecklook;hesmiled."Noit'snothingmuch,Ijust wantedtoaskifyouIfit'sokaytobringClairefordinner tomorrow,becauseshemissesyoutoomuch."headdedand thistimeshegaspedwithtotalamazementofhowcrazythat manbeforeheractuallywas."Ohisthatso?Wellthat'sgreat, andshe'sactuallyrighthere,soyoucantellheryourself."he saidandhandedherthephone,togetherwithaboyishsmile. "It'sgrandfather,hewantstotalktoyou."hesaid.
/>   "You-gonna-pay-for-this!"shewhisperedbetweenherteeth whiletakingthephone;asusual,Ryanonlyshrugged."HiMr. Stevens?"Shespokeandasmileappearedonherface,only momentarily,asitquicklyfadedwhensheglaredatRyan."Okay grandfather,I'mjustusedtocallyouMr.Stevensthat'sall."she chuckledanditmadeRyansmileinadifferentmanner; somethingbetweenadmirationandlonging."ButofcourseI'll havetobetheresinceyou'repersonallyinvitingmenow,and don'tworryaboutthatMr.St--Imeangrandfatherbecause everythingisfineandIknowwhatdowithhim."Nowshe grinnedsardonicallyatRyan,andheraisedaninquiring eyebrow."Okayhaveagoodnight.Itwasreallynicehearing fromyoutoo."andinfewsecondsshehungup.

  "Whydidhesaytomakeyoulaughlikethat?"Heasked immediately.

  "Noneofyourbusiness!"Shesnapped. "Oops,seemsI'mbeingleftoutnow."Hefeignedsadness andsheonlyscowledathim."So?We'resetnow,aren'twe?" Ryanaskedasshereturnedhimthephone.Withsuchasperity, Claireleaptathimandtriedtohithimrandomlyonthechest,in attempttoreleaseheranger;buthefastgrabbedherwrists.

  Feelingrefrained,shewhined"You'resuchaliarRyanhow couldyou--"andherlipswereshutbyahardkissonher yearninglipsasRyanpressedhertightlyagainsthisbody.Itwas startling,toosudden,andveryunexpectedkissthatinasecond, turnedherhotandyieldedtohismouldingtongueexploringher mouthinawayonlyhewascapableof.

  Shehadcompletelyforgottenwhereshewas,andthatit wasallagainstherresolutionfewminutesago;butit'swhatshe wanted,deepwithintherewasapartofherthatneededit,and withoutrealizingshewaskissinghimhungrilyuntilbothpulled apart.Itwasalong,yetlingeringkissasClaireturnedaround breathlessly.

  Shewaspantingheavily,tryingtoregainhermomentum afteranothermomentofweakness.Shehatedherselfforbeing soweak;ittookheronesingletouchfromRyan,tosuccumb completelyathismercy.Shecouldn'tunderstandwhathad gonewrongforherbodytobecomesuchatraitorofitsown mind.LuckilytherewasnosoularoundtowitnesssuchanPGratedscene;havingascandalatworkwasthelastofherwishes foralifetime.

  "I'lldriveyouhome."Ryansaid,andhewasprettyserious thathadbeenbefore.Clairedrewinadeepbreathbeforefacing himagain,alittleaghastuponthechangeofhisvoice."Please don'tstartprotesting,I'lljusttakeyoutoyourhouseand nothingmore."headdedcalmly.

  Honestly,whatRyanhadsaidwasn'twhatdisturbedClaire, butratherthechangeofhisfacialexpressionandvoice altogether.Itwasasthoughhewasregrettingkissingherwhich neverhappenedbefore.Shestaredathimwordlessly,and slowlywalkedtohisBlackMercedess-class;possiblyathirdcar shehadseenhimwith.Hefollowedwithanexasperated sigh.Theytookacarrideinsilence.Itwasevidentthatthekiss hadaffectedRyanhimself;itwasthefirstkisshehadwithher outofhisownconviction.Itsimplyhappened,somethinghe wasn'tincontrolof.Hehatedthefeeling;hehatedtobe emotionallyinvolved,andthatpreciselyhadstartedtobecome thecase.Hehadbeenalwaysincontrol;intotalcontrol,and utterlydespisedbeingledwithstupidemotions,andthat womannexttohim,hadstartedtobreakthebarricadesandhe knewithadtostop.

  "WhydidyoulieaboutDoris?"Clairebrokethesilenceafter decidingitwastimetogetitoverwith. "Idon'tknowwhyIdid."Ryansaidcurtly.

  "What?Whatdoyoumeanyoudon'tknow?"shebarked.

  Hebreathedaudibly."IguessIthoughtitwasn'timportant atfirst,"heexplainedvaguely."becauseIhadnoideawewould seeeachotheragain;noIknewwewouldseeeachotheragain." HestumbledathiswordsandClairestaredathim

  contemptuously.Helookedather."Ijustdidn'tthinkitwould mattertoyou,Ithoughtitwasn'tabigdeal,butitbeguntobe, andIwasgoingtotellyou.''

  "When?Shesnapped.

  "Thelasttimeyouwereatmyplace,butIdon'tknowwhat happenedandItslippedmymind."hesaidtruthfully. Claireonlysmirked;itwasdifficulttounderstandhim,and evenhardertounderstandherself.Whatwassheseeingonhim? Whatwassoimportantabouthimthatshehadtoputupwith hisselfishnessandinconsideration?Sheaskedherselfandgot noanswerinreturn.

  "No,theanswerissimpleRyan.Youdon'tcareabout anyonebutyou,you'reselfish,you'retooproudandtoo arrogant,that'swhatyouare!"Shesaidwitheyesfixedatthe front.Shefeltatingeattheheart,anditreallypainedherto admithisfaults,andultimatelyshefeltasingleteardroprolling down,butquicklywipeditoff,followedwithasoftsigh.

  "You'reright."Hesaidandshealmostlaughed,apainful laugh."I'mallthatyou'vementionedClaire,"headdedwithhis eyesattheroadinfront,justlikeClaire's."andthat'swhy,I think...I'mlettingyougonow."

  Ifeyeballscouldescapetheeyes,thenClaire'swould've beenmilesawaybythen."Whatdidyousay?"Sheuttered, lookingathimdirectly.

  Ryanfacedher,andsmiledgently."I'mleavingyoualone Claire,justasyouwanted."Herepeated;hisfacerelaxed,and hisvoicecalm,sounlikely."Iwon'tbotheryouagain,soyoucan gobacktoyourlifebeforewemetandforgetaboutme.I'mnot goodforyou."

  Clairewaslossatwords.Shelookedathim,andnosyllable cameoutofhermouth,onlytearsbrimmedherbeautifuleyes, oneblinkandtheywould'vestreameddownherface."Stopthe car!"Shefinallyuttered,withoutbreakingtheeyecontact.

  Ryanfrowned."Areyoucrazy?We'reinthemiddleofthe road."hetoldher. "ISAIDSTOPTHEDAMNCAR!"Sheyelledandhejuststared atherphysicallyunaffected.Nowtearswererollingdown,and herfacestiffenedasshetriedtoopenthelockeddoorina frenzy.Shewasalmostlikeaprick;butsheonlywantedtobefar awayfromhim,farawaysothathewon'twitnesshershading tearslikeatimidteenager.

  "Okay,I'mgoingtopullover."Ryansaidworriedly,anddid asmuch.Clairerunforthehandlerandswungthedooropenas ifshewasbeingchasedandonlystoppedtosay;

  "You'reanasshole;abiginconsiderateasshole!"She snappedwithgreetedteethamidhersobs,andslammedthe doorafterwards.

  CHAPTER20

  Itwascoldallofasudden.Itwasmid-summerbutshewas surprisinglyfeelingaterrificchill.Shefastenedthesidesofher scarletjacketandenvelopedherselftightlywhilewalkingatsuch apaceintoafoot-walklane,obliviousofanythingandanyone aroundher.Clairehadn'tanticipatedhearingsuchathingfrom Ryan;sheknewhewasallgamesbutknowinghowcruellyhe hadturnedthetablesmadeherlosehermind.Shecouldno longerrepresshertears;shejustletthemflowdownendlessly whilewalkingalongsideamildtrafficjam.Intheendhehadjust donewhatshe'dalwaysaskedhimto;hehadfinallylefther alone,butitstillfeltsurreal.

  "Stopcryingalreadyyoudummy!"Shesnappedherself aloud."It'sexactlywhatyouwanted,soshutit!"Shesobbed.It waspainful;foroncesheregrettedmeetinghim,thatheshould havejustletherdiethatonestormynight.Noneofitwould've happenedthen,buttheoppositewasherreality,andshehadto faceit.

  Clairerealizedshewastired,prettyfarfromhome,andher legshadalreadyincurredsomeblistersfromherlongpumps. Shewantedtobehomeassoonaspossible,buttherewasno signoftaxi,neitherofanybus.ShedecidedtogiveJorgeacall; forthefirsttimesheneededhishelp,shecouldn'tcarelessof lookingvulnerable,andonlyhehappenedtocrosshermind,as heronlyMessiah.

  "I'llberightthere,andcalmdownplease."Jorgeurgedher onthephone. "Okay.Pleasehurry."Shebreathedthewords,likeachild aftercryingforawhile.Andshesatdownatsomeconvenient store,withhershoesoffherlegs.Anditoccurredtoherthatshe mightneedtouseflatsforfewdaysuntiltheblistershealed.

  Aboutamhourorso,Clairearrivedhome,togetherwith Jorgewhokeptaskingifshewasfeelingbetter.Hewasvery quickatpickingherup,andevenfedherdespiteherfirm decisiontoskipdinner.Intheendshehadfewbitesofchicken saladsandahalfglassoffreshjuice.

  "Areyousureyoudon'twannatalkaboutit?"Heaskedher yetagain.

  Shehadtosmile."I'mfineJorge.Thankyouforpickingme up,andI'msorryforthedisturbance." "Itwasn'tabothertrustme.I'mgladthatyoucalled,at leastIfeellikearealbigbrothernow."Jorgesaidinhisfaint humor,whicheitherway,managedtomakeClairelaugh.

  "AndI'mhappytoexperiencehowbeingalittlesisterfeels like."Shetoldhim."Well,haveagoodnightJorge,andI'llwork onmylicensenextweek;Ijusthopetheywon'taskmetoretake adrivingtest."sheaddedanditmadeherheartstingwhenshe recalledRyantellingherjustthat;getyourselfalicenceClaire, willyou?

  Itwasonlyaweekago,andshewaslaughinghardatthe expenseofhisbossyvoice;butnoneofthatmatteredanymore, forhehadsetherfreeandshehadtobehappyforit.Afterfew minutesoftalkingbythestairs,withherheadonthecloudsthat shecouldbarelyhearwhatJorgehadsaid,sherushedintoher roomupstairs.Onceinside,thenostalgicfeelingoverwhelmed her.Sherecalledthekisstheysharedpubliclyjustanhouror twoago,andonlytohearhimsaythathewaslettinghergo.A stupidlaughescapedhermouth,mingledwithridiculoussobs, almostuncontrollableones.Shefeltangryandhurtatthesame time;shewantedtoscreamoutloudjusttoreleasetheanguish.

  Afterleaningbehindthedoorforawhile,shedecidedto changeandslipintocomfortablepyjamaswithoutevena shower.Shejustwantedtoliedownandseeifshecouldsleep; whichshecouldn'tasmemoriesflashedbacklikeamovie
. Admittedly,Ithadbeenonehellofarollercoasterbeingwith Ryan,butitfeltwayabsurdbeingawayfromhim.Itwasavoid shecouldn'texplain,butthenremindedherselfthatitwas exactlywhatshewantedseveralhoursago,andmaybethebest thingtohavehappened.Andthensherolledagain,andturned, andtossed;thebedfeltbiggerthanusual,andshewishedhe wastherewithher,toholdherpossessivelyashealwaysdid, buthewasn'tthere;itwasallover.

  Andthemorningcame,butnothinghadchanged.Claire decidedtohaveacupofteainthekitchen,whileeveryoneelse wasasleep.Wakingupearlyhadbecomehernorm,exceptfor whenshesleptatRyan's;thethoughtmadeherheartshrink. Andareminderthatshewasactuallyinvitedfordinneratthe Stevensthatveryday,madehershuddertothebones. ObviouslyRyanwasgoingtobethere,butshewasgoingtobe fine,shedecided.Shewasgoingtogetthere,andsmilebrightly beforedinner,andmaybetalkwhileatit,andinawhileshe'dgo backhome.

  "Heythere,soearlyintheweekendandyou'reupalready?" Jorgeappearedoutofnowhereforaglassofwater. Clairelookedoverhershoulder."Ithinkitrunsinthefamily, lookwho'stalking!"Shefaintlysmiledathim,asheleaned casuallyatthebreakfasttable.

  "Maybe.Istillhavesomeworkintheoffice.Andhoware youfeelingtoday?" "I'mgood!"Shefedhimexactlythesamelieshe'dbeen feedingherselfsincedawn."I'mactuallygoingtothecountry housetoday,soIhopetogetmyselfinvigoratedformywork battleonMonday."shesmiledwidely,infacadeofshowing enthusiasm.

  "That'sgood."Jorgesaid. LATERintheafternoon,Clairehadjustarrivedatthebeach house,onlytofinditallemptywithnosignofanyonearound. Sheimmediatelymadeacalltohergrandfatherwhilesettling herselftothemasterbedroom.Thecallwasquickandshe learnedthathehadgoneoutoftowntoattendpersonalmatters; hehadfewrelativesofhisownafterall,andClaireunderstood thatwell.Shehadoncetoldhimthattheycouldcomeoverany timetovisitandstayifnecessary;shelovedhavingmanypeople aroundandfeelthelaughterfillingthefrontyard,orthe breakfastparlourlikemanyyearsbeforewhenthehousehad severalworkersandherfamilywasfull.

  Decidedly,sheinformedBrunoofherpresenceandas expected,hewaselatedwiththenewsandquicklyaskedherto dropbyhisrestaurant.Claireagreedrightaway;whatwasthe pointofbroodingallbyherselfinsuchahugebungalow?She madenopointto.Ittookheronlythirtyminutestocatchupat Bruno's.