Playing by Heart

by Cleary James

She lay awake fretting, her mind spinning as she tried to rationalise her anxieties. She desperately wanted reassurance from Grayson, but she didn’t know how to ask for it without appearing jealous and clingy. Maybe she’d been naive to think she could handle a long-distance relationship with him. When she was in Cornwall, it had been easier to dismiss thoughts of his life here – to just enjoy their time together, and not worry about what he did when they were apart. But tonight had brought her face to face with the reality that he had a whole life in London that didn’t involve her. A life that Isabel was very much part of ...

  She must have fallen asleep because she dreamt that she was falling, and woke with a jolt. Grayson was still dozing as she slipped quietly out of bed. She grabbed a robe from the bathroom and padded downstairs. It was a bright, sharp autumn day, and sunlight flooded Grayson’s large kitchen/diner. She was just making herself a mug of coffee when she heard the front door open and footsteps clicking down the hall.

  ‘Oh, hi!’ Isabel beamed at her as she stood in the doorway. ‘I just came to drop you over your case.’ She was carrying Lisa’s small wheeled suitcase, and she put it down by the door.

  ‘Oh, thanks.’ Lisa smiled at her dazedly, only registering the fact that Isabel had her own key to the house.

  ‘I didn’t know if you two would still be in bed, so I let myself in. I didn’t want to disturb you if you were still sleeping off last night.’

  ‘Grayson’s still asleep.’ Lisa said. ‘Would you like a cup of coffee?’

  ‘No, thanks. I can’t stay. I—oh, hi!’ She turned as Grayson came downstairs behind her. ‘I just came over to drop off Lisa’s case. Good night last night?’

  ‘Yes, very good.’

  ‘Congratulations!’ She gave him a quick peck on the cheek. He had texted her last night from the ceremony to tell her he’d won. ‘Very impressive,’ she said, nodding to the award that still sat on the kitchen table.

  ‘Do you want some breakfast?’ he asked her. He yawned sleepily and stretched.

  ‘It’s lunchtime for most of us mere mortals, you know,’ she said. ‘I had breakfast ages ago.’

  ‘Brunch, then.’ He grinned.

  ‘Thanks, but I was just saying to Lisa, I can’t stay.’ She turned to go.

  ‘Thanks for bringing my case over,’ Lisa said as they saw her to the door. ‘And for ... everything.’

  ‘My pleasure,’ Isabel said, pulling her into a hug. ‘It was fun. I hope we’ll see you back in London again soon.’ She turned to Grayson. ‘And I’ll see you next Thursday,’ she said, giving him a quick peck on the cheek.

  ‘Yeah, see you then.’

  As they watched her drive off, Lisa felt unsettled again and found herself wishing she didn’t like Isabel so much. It would be a lot easier if she was a bitch, and Lisa could just hate her, and demand that Grayson cut her out of his life. She was disconcerted by the reminder of just how close they were. The way she’d said ‘I hope we’ll see you in London again soon’, as if she and Grayson were a couple, a unit, drove home what an integral part of his life she was. She didn’t imagine for a moment that Isabel was marking her territory or had meant to unnerve her, but it played on her insecurities.

  When she was back in Cornwall, Grayson and Isabel would still be here in London, carrying on with their lives as usual. Isabel was going to an orgy next week. Would Grayson go with her, she wondered, her stomach turning over sickeningly. They were seeing each other on Thursday. Maybe that was the day of Isabel’s party ...

  ‘So, brunch?’ Grayson said as they went back to the kitchen, oblivious to the turmoil going on in Lisa’s head.

  She nodded. As they cooked, Lisa turned everything over in her mind, trying to sort out her feelings. She’d been so happy when she woke up this morning, still glowing from Grayson telling her he loved her. She didn’t doubt his sincerity, but was it enough? The problem was she didn’t know what that meant to him – whether it implied being faithful or not. She knew he wasn’t in love with Isabel, and she had nothing to worry about on that score. But that hadn’t stopped him sleeping with her in the past. Did he still play Isabel’s games with her when he was here in London? Would he go to her orgy with her if she asked him to?

  ‘What’s next Thursday?’ she asked, trying to make it sound like a casual question, while inside she was burning to know. She was glad Grayson had his back to her, watching over bacon on the stove while she set the table. She didn’t think she could look as blasé as she was pretending to be. If they were facing each other, he’d see the jealousy and insecurity written on her face – all the gauche, uncool things she was feeling.

  ‘Hmmm?’ Grayson asked distractedly.

  ‘You’re seeing Isabel next Thursday?’

  ‘Oh, yeah.’ He half turned to her as he turned bacon in a pan. ‘It’s an opening at her gallery – an artist I’m interested in buying.’

  ‘Oh.’ At least it wasn't an orgy. But would they sleep together afterwards, she wondered. Part of her longed to ask, to push for more information. He’d always been honest with her, and she believed he would tell her the truth if she asked. But what if the truth was the last thing she wanted to hear?

  She was quiet as they sat at the counter and ate, her mind in a whirl. She knew sex wasn’t a big deal to him, and sleeping with Isabel wouldn’t change anything. But no matter how much she tried to rationalise it, Lisa knew she could never feel that way about it. There were people who could compartmentalise sex and love, but she wasn’t one of those people and never would be. Mark had always mocked her naiveté, but she couldn’t help it. For her, it was all or nothing, and even though the thought of losing Grayson filled her with dread, she knew that sharing him would be worse torture in the long run. The jealousy would eat her up until there was nothing left. She couldn’t let herself get consumed by him as she had by Mark, albeit in a different way. If she couldn’t have him completely, she would have to end this and save herself. The thought made her so miserable, she could hardly eat.

  ‘Lisa?’

  She looked up to find Grayson frowning at her, concerned.

  ‘What’s wrong?’ he asked.

  ‘Nothing.’ She smiled. ‘I’m just not as hungry as I thought I was.’

  ‘You’re crying.’

  She gasped and touched a hand to her face, surprised to find it wet with tears. She hadn’t even realised.

  ‘What’s is it?’

  ‘I’m just—’ She shook her head, putting down her fork in defeat. ‘I’m just not sure this is going to work,’ she said, swiping away tears with the back of her hand. ‘Us,’ she added as Grayson looked at her with a puzzled frown.

  ‘What?’ He reared back in shock, his eyes wide.

  She bit her lip, bracing herself for a confrontation.

  ‘But last night—you said—’ he stuttered.

  He looked so hurt and bewildered, her heart wrenched. ‘I know, and I meant it,’ she said, taking his hand. ‘I love you, Grayson. I’m so happy when I’m with you. But next week, I’ll be in Cornwall and you’ll be here.’

  ‘Is this about the long-distance thing? But it’s only been a few weeks. We’ve hardly even given it a chance.’ He squeezed her hand, looking into her eyes earnestly. ‘We love each other. We want to be together. We can make it work.’

  She sighed. ‘It’s not about that. It’s just—’ She cast around in her mind for a way to explain. ‘I’m not like Isabel,’ she blurted.

  Grayson frowned uncomprehendingly. ‘This is about Isabel?’

  She took a deep, shaky breath. ‘I know she didn’t mind me taking her place last night. But I’m not like that. If it was the other way around, I couldn’t bear it. I’d go crazy with jealousy thinking of her being with you instead of me. I know that’s not very evolved, but ... it’s how I feel. I can’t be like this with you and not mind.’

  Grayson looked at her aghast as if he hardly understood what she was saying. ‘Lisa,’ he said slowly, ‘are you saying ... you think you took Isabel’
s place last night in my bed? You think if she’d gone to the dinner with me, she’d be here now instead of you?’

  Lisa said nothing, but she didn’t need to – her silence spoke volumes.

  ‘Isabel and I are just friends. I thought—’

  ‘I know,’ she said quickly. ‘I know you’re not in love, and sex doesn’t have to mean anything, but—’

  She broke off, cringing inwardly as Grayson’s face changed. His jaw slackened and he released her hand, leaning back in his chair. She braced herself for an angry denial. But when he finally spoke, his voice was barely above a whisper.

  ‘You think I’m still sleeping with Isabel?’

  ‘I don’t know,’ she said with a helpless shrug. ‘I don’t know, and it’s driving me crazy.’

  He looked stricken. ‘Christ!’ he said, raking a hand through his hair. ‘I thought you understood how I feel about you. Didn’t you hear what I said last night? I love you, Lisa.’

  ‘I love you too, Grayson,’ she said softly, reaching across to cup his face. ‘So much.’ She looked deeply into his eyes, wanting to erase all the hurt and confusion there. ‘But I don’t know if that changes anything.’

  ‘It changes everything,’ he said huskily. ‘I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. I’m in love with you.’

  ‘I know – and I get that what you have with Isabel is different,’ she said. ‘But—’

  ‘No! It’s not like that,’ he said, putting his hand over hers where it rested on his face. ‘I’m not sleeping with Isabel.’

  ‘You’re not?’

  ‘No,’ he said forcefully, holding her gaze. ‘Not with her or anyone else.’ He lifted her hand, playing with her fingers. ‘I’m sorry. I thought you understood.’ He gave a crooked smile. ‘I guess I should have made myself clearer. I don’t want anyone else, Lisa. Only you.’

  Her breath caught at the love pouring out of his eyes, and she knew he meant every word he said. ‘But ... we only see each other at weekends. All those nights you’re on your own here—’

  ‘Are torture,’ he smiled ruefully.

  ‘It’s the same for me,’ she whispered. The relief was overwhelming. She didn’t have to hold back to protect herself anymore. She could let herself love Grayson unreservedly and wholeheartedly. It gave her such a sense of freedom, she felt like whooping for joy.

  He leaned in and gave her a soft, lingering kiss, pulling her bottom lip into his mouth. ‘I must admit, I do spend a lot of time thinking about you,’ he said, pulling back. ‘Imagining you here with me, fantasising about what we’d do.’

  ‘Really?’ She grinned at him. ‘Tell me more. Maybe we could make some of these fantasies come true.’

  ‘Well, we spend a lot of time in bed,’ he said, smiling. ‘When we’re not there, we’re mostly in the shower together, or the hot tub ...’

  ‘Oh!’ Lisa gasped, flushing as an image suddenly flashed across her mind – Isabel straddling Mark in Grayson’s hot tub, while he pounded into her.

  ‘Hey,’ Grayson touched the space between her eyebrows, and Lisa realised she was frowning.

  She shook off her gloomy thoughts. ‘I never did try your hot tub,’ she said, smiling up at him.

  ‘Well, we could remedy that later, if you like,’ he said, looking at her uncertainly. ‘But right now, I could really do with a shower.’ He raised an eyebrow suggestively at her as he stood and took her hand.

  Lisa grinned and slid off her stool.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  That evening, Grayson sat in the hot tub, steam rising into the cool night air as the water bubbled and swirled around him. He had opened a bottle of champagne and it was sitting with two glasses on the edge of the tub.

  He’d felt like such a dick this morning for mentioning his hot tub fantasy. He’d regretted it as soon as the words were out of his mouth. Lisa’s smile had faded, and she’d zoned out, a troubled expression in her eyes. No doubt she was remembering the first time she’d come here and had witnessed her boyfriend fucking Isabel in this very tub. It couldn’t be a pleasant memory for her, no matter how she felt about Mark.

  He’d tried to distract her, quickly changing the subject, and he hadn’t brought it up again. He’d been surprised when she mentioned it herself, and suggested they use it after dinner.

  He looked up as she stepped out through the double doors onto the patio, wearing a short white cotton bathrobe. She smiled shyly at him as she came to the side of the tub.

  She untied her robe and shrugged it off, letting it drop to the tiled floor. Grayson’s breath caught in his throat as the light from the lanterns shone on her naked body, illuminating her pale skin. She was literally breathtaking. His eyes roamed hungrily over her full, high breasts, the curves of her hips, the slight swell of her stomach and her long, shapely legs. He stood as she stepped towards him and held out a hand to help her into the tub, still never taking his eyes off her. He was hard already, his body stirring in response to the sight of her.

  He sank back into the seat and pulled her into his lap, his hands running over her bare, slippery skin, while his lips nuzzled her face and neck.

  ‘I want you so much,’ he whispered against her skin, loving the feel of her naked body against his. God, he’d never get enough of her.

  He took her breasts in his hands, caressing and fondling them as he gazed into her eyes. She moaned softly and bit down on her lip as he teased her nipples into hardened points. She wrapped her arms around him and kissed him, gasping into his mouth as he reached between her legs and began massaging her clit. He was glad to find she was already wet and ready for him because he didn’t want to wait another minute to be inside her again.

  With his hands at her waist, he lifted her slightly, then brought her down onto his cock. She gave him a warm, satisfied smile as he filled her, and rocked against him as he began thrusting slowly, pushing deeper and deeper inside her. He kept up the relentless massaging of her clit, and soon she was gasping and whimpering, arching backwards in his arms as she came around his cock.

  ‘Grayson!’ She screamed his name and he buried his face in her neck as he felt her pulse and throb around him, her hands clutching at his shoulders feverishly.

  With a few vigorous thrusts, he joined her, gazing into her eyes as his body jerked violently and he came with a loud groan. Lisa went limp in his arms and he pulled her close, holding her tightly as their breathing calmed.

  When they had both recovered, he stood and poured them champagne.

  ‘Sorry,’ he said ruefully as he handed Lisa a glass. ‘You make me forget my manners. I should have offered you a drink first, but I got ... distracted.’

  She smiled as he sank back into the warm water beside her and they clinked glasses. ‘I’m not objecting,’ she said. ‘It was a very nice distraction.’

  Grayson sighed and relaxed back against the bench, putting an arm around her. He kissed her forehead and she lay her head on his shoulder. ‘I wish you could be here with me all the time,’ he said. He wished he could ask her to come and live with him. But he shouldn't be greedy. He was lucky she was here at all.

  ‘We'd prune,’ Lisa giggled, burrowing closer into the crook of his neck.

  He laughed.

  ‘You know, Isabel made me an offer,’ she said. ‘I showed her some of my paintings, and she wants to sell them. She even said she’d give me a show.’

  ‘Did you tell her you're not interested in selling in London?’

  ‘Yes, but she said I could be anonymous if I wanted. We could communicate through you, so I wouldn’t have to be in London at all.’

  He looked at her carefully. ‘And what do you think?’

  She shrugged. ‘I don’t know. I thought I’d jump at the chance. I mean, it seems like the perfect solution for me. But the more I think about it ...’ She fell silent, and he couldn’t tell what she was thinking. She appeared to be wrestling with some inner conflict. He was surprised because it seemed like the perfect opportunity for her to have th
e artistic career she’d always wanted without threatening her peaceful, secluded life in Cornwall.

  ‘It sounds like a great idea to me,’ he said carefully, not wanting to push her. ‘Best of both worlds.’

  ‘It is,’ she said, but she didn’t sound convinced.

  Did she still have doubts about his relationship with Isabel? Was that what was putting her off? ‘So what’s the problem, then?’

  ‘It’s the anonymous part,’ she said finally, lifting her head to look at him. ‘ I want to put my name to my work. I want people to know who I am. And ... I’ve been thinking about moving back here.’

  ‘Moving back to London?’

  To Lisa’s surprise, Grayson seemed shocked and not especially pleased.

  ‘Yes,’ she said, hesitant now. She’d thought he’d be delighted. Had she read the signals wrong? Had he just been saying what he thought she wanted to hear, and now she’d called his bluff?

  He looked at her in silence for a moment as though weighing something up. ‘You know you can trust me, don’t you, Lisa?’

  ‘Yes,’ she frowned. ‘Of course.’

  ‘You do believe me when I say I’m not sleeping with Isabel – or anyone else?’

  She smiled. ‘Yes, I do. Don’t worry, I’m not thinking about moving back here so I can keep an eye on you.’

  ‘Good.’ He pulled her into his lap, and she relaxed back against his chest.

  ‘It’s not that. But wouldn’t you like if I was living here and we could be together more?’

  ‘Of course I would,’ he said. ‘But I don’t want you to move back here for my sake.’ He dropped a kiss on her shoulder. ‘We’ll work it out.’

  Lisa smiled. ‘You’re not the only attraction London has to offer, you know,’ she said teasingly. ‘What makes you so sure I’d just be moving here for you?’

  He laughed ruefully. ‘Sorry. Blame my over-inflated ego, thanks to last night’s ceremony. But don’t worry – it won’t last.’

  Lisa sighed as his arms tightened around her, feeling perfectly at peace – sated, secure, happy. She couldn’t remember when she’d felt so complete. There was just one thing missing, one thing that had been niggling her since she’d stepped off the train at Euston.