Playing by Heart

by Cleary James

  She turned in his arms so they were facing each other. ‘London’s my home,’ she said earnestly. ‘It always was, and being back here has made me realise how much I’ve missed it. I mean, I love my life in Porth Heron and all the friends I’ve made. I’ll always want to have a connection to that place. But this is where I belong.’

  She had always seen herself returning to London at some point, although she hadn’t thought about when that might be. It was just a vague date in the future when enough time had passed for her to feel safe again, and strong enough to face Mark if she had to.

  ‘But it’s not just that,’ she continued. ‘Being with you last night ... it made me realise some things about myself.’

  ‘Like what?’

  ‘I want to get my career back on track. I want to really go all in to try to make it as an artist.’

  Being with Grayson last night had sparked something inside her. Because even as her heart had burst with pride, she had been surprised to find herself experiencing a twinge of envy and dissatisfaction. Seeing the recognition and acclaim he got for his work, the respect and admiration he had earned from his peers, she had realised that it wasn’t enough for her to stand on the sidelines and applaud his achievements. She wanted a bit of that for herself. She wanted her work to be praised and celebrated. She wanted to be at the centre of her world as he was at the centre of his. She felt a sharp pang of loss for the career she could have had, the career she was on her way to before Mark had sabotaged it. But it was accompanied by a flicker of determination inside her that she hadn’t felt in a long time.

  Maybe she would never make it in the London art world anyway. But she knew she had to try. She would go as far as her talents could take her, however far that was. Even as she thought about it now, she felt a tingling of excitement course through her, and felt a little shock of recognition as she realised what it was: ambition. She was ambitious. It was a part of herself she’d almost forgotten.

  ‘What do you think?’ she asked.

  ‘I think it’s great. But are you sure it’s not too soon? Only last week you didn’t even want to come to London for a single night.’

  She shrugged. ‘I guess I won’t know until I try. But now that I’m here, I’ve got some perspective and it doesn’t seem so scary. I think I’d built it up in my head and blew it all out of proportion. You were right – London’s a big place. I don’t have to worry about bumping into Mark around every corner. Even if I did, he’s with someone else now. We’ve both moved on.’ She huffed out a laugh. ‘He probably doesn’t give me a second thought anymore.’

  Grayson frowned, concerned. ‘Just don’t rush into anything,’ he said.

  ‘I won’t. I haven’t even decided for sure yet. I’ll see how I feel this week.’

  He nodded. ‘There’s no hurry. London will be here for you whenever you’re ready. And so will I.’

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  ‘I wish I’d known you were going to be here for the week,’ Grayson said the next morning at breakfast. ‘I could have moved things around so I could spend more time with you.’

  She had got up to share toast and coffee with him before he left for work. She was still in her robe, but he was dressed in a dark suit and crisp white shirt, and had a day of planning meetings ahead.

  ‘It’s fine,’ Lisa smiled. Much as she’d love to spend more time with Grayson, part of her was glad that he was going to work, and this week would be more like everyday life than a holiday. It would give her a better idea of how she felt about being back in London, just living day to day without Grayson constantly by her side.

  ‘I was thinking of looking up some old college friends while I’m here.’ She looked at him cautiously, instinctively anticipating a fight.

  ‘That sounds like a good idea.’ He smiled at her.

  Lisa smiled back. When was she going to stop doing that? She should have known Grayson wouldn’t have a problem with her looking up her friends. ‘I may not even be able to find them. We lost touch when ...’ She broke off. When Mark drove them away. When she let him. She felt bad that she hadn’t stood up for herself more; that she hadn’t stuck up for her friends. ‘We sort of drifted apart and I haven’t seen them in ages,’ she finished sadly.

  ‘Well, I’m sure they’d love to hear from you,’ Grayson said. ‘They must miss you.’

  ‘Do you think so?’

  ‘Of course. Anyone would miss you, Lisa.’

  She sighed. ‘I’m not even sure where to start. I mean, I know where they used to live, but chances are they’ve moved by now.’ They might not even be in the country anymore.

  ‘If they were college friends, they’re artists, right?’ Grayson drained his coffee and got up to leave. ‘You could ask Isabel if she knows anything.’

  ‘Good idea,’ she smiled, brightening. ‘I’ll start there.’

  Later that morning, Lisa felt a mixture of excitement and trepidation as she made her way to the Tube. Isabel had immediately recognised Susie’s name and told Lisa that her friend was working in ceramics and shared a studio in Hoxton with several other artists.

  It was a beautiful sunny day, and Lisa’s mood veered between optimism and nervousness. She didn’t know how pleased Susie would be to see her. They’d been so close at art college, but when she was with Mark, she’d let her friendships drop off. In the end, she had cut her friends out of her life altogether because she couldn’t handle the conflict they caused with him. She had dumped people she loved to keep Mark happy, and she wouldn’t blame them if they hated her for it.

  She found the studio easily. It was a wide square building, the ground floor entirely glass. Lisa pushed open the door and stepped into a brightly lit shop space, where the artworks were for sale. There were a handful of customers browsing the shelves of ceramics and peering into glass-topped counters displaying jewellery. A young red-headed woman with a nose piercing and a full sleeve of tattoos on one arm stood behind a cash desk near the door.

  ‘Hello,’ Lisa said, approaching her, encouraged by the girl’s welcoming smile. ‘I’m looking for Susie Smith. I was told she works here.’

  ‘Yes. Sure. Just wait here and I’ll get her for you.’

  ‘Thanks.’ The girl disappeared behind a door at the far end of the room, and Lisa waited, wringing her hands nervously, her throat dry.

  Moments later two people came back through the door – the redhead and Susie. Lisa’s heart leapt at the sight of her familiar friendly face. The redhead waved in her direction as she said something to Susie, and then Susie was walking towards her. There was no emotion in her face as she narrowed her eyes at Lisa, frowning slightly questioningly. But as she came closer, her face suddenly lit up with recognition.

  ‘Lisa!’ She broke into a wide grin, quickening her steps. ‘Oh my God, is it really you?’ She stared at her wide-eyed.

  Lisa smiled bashfully, and then Susie threw her arms around her and pulled her into a tight hug.

  ‘I can’t believe it’s you!’ she said, still grinning at Lisa as she pulled back. ‘God, it’s so good to see you.’

  Lisa was weak with relief and happiness. She needn’t have worried about her welcome. Susie hadn’t changed towards her at all. She was just as friendly as if they’d seen each other only last week.

  ‘I know,’ she said sheepishly. ‘It’s been way too long. It’s so good to see you too, Susie.’

  ‘So, what are you up to? We have so much to catch up on. You look amazing, by the way.’

  ‘Thanks. There’s not a lot to tell.’ That wasn’t true, but she didn’t really know where to start. ‘I haven’t been doing much.’

  A shadow passed over Susie’s face. ‘Are you—are you still with Mark?’ There was a tension in her voice, and Lisa could tell she was trying to sound neutral.

  ‘No,’ Lisa shook her head. ‘We ... broke up a while back. I’m living in Cornwall now.’

  The relief in Susie’s face was obvious and Lisa felt a pang of guilt. ‘I’m sorry we los
t touch,’ she said.

  ‘No, I’m sorry,’ Susie said, to Lisa’s surprise. ‘God, we all felt so guilty about the way we stopped seeing you.’

  ‘It wasn’t your fault,’ Lisa said, tears stinging her eyes. It had never occurred to her that her friends would blame themselves for letting the friendship slide.

  Susie sighed. ‘We should have made more of an effort – been more supportive. We were so worried about you, Lisa.’ Her brow furrowed and her expression was troubled as she remembered. ‘We just didn’t know what to do.’

  ‘It really wasn’t your fault.’

  Susie sighed. ‘Well, we obviously have a lot of catching up to do.’ She glanced at her watch. ‘Can you do lunch?’

  ‘Yes! Lunch would be great.’ Lisa couldn’t believe it had been that easy. She was bubbling with happiness as Susie went to get her coat and tell her co-workers where she was going.

  They went to a little cafe near the studio and ordered BLTs, but they were so busy talking, they barely ate, their sentences overlapping as they tried to catch up on a couple of years in the space of an hour. Lisa was hardly aware of time passing as they chattered, falling easily back into an old familiarity. It felt like only yesterday since they’d last seen each other, and the time flew by as they talked and talked, flitting giddily from one subject to the next – Susie’s move into ceramics, Lisa’s recent painting, the current London art scene. Susie filled her in on what their mutual friends were doing.

  ‘So when did you and Mark split up?’ she asked eventually.

  ‘Around March. We didn’t exactly split up,’ Lisa admitted, fidgeting nervously under the table. ‘I left him. I just walked out one day. I sent him a text and didn’t tell him where I was going. I suppose I ran away, really. He was—’ Her voice caught, and she felt a lump in her throat as she tried to explain what had happened with Mark.

  ‘He was an asshole,’ Susie said, leaning forward and taking Lisa’s hand, smiling gently.

  ‘Yeah,’ Lisa gave a relieved laugh. ‘It just took me a while to figure that out. Way too long.’

  ‘Don’t beat yourself up about it. You got there in the end. And you went to Cornwall?’

  ‘Yeah, I’ve been living there most of this year. But I’m thinking of moving back to London soon. I love it there, but—’

  ‘You were always a London girl at heart.’

  ‘Yeah,’ Lisa smiled. ‘And I’ve started painting again – seriously. Isabel Salas has offered me a show.’

  Susie gave a low whistle, her eyes widening. ‘So you’re back to take the London art scene by storm!’

  Lisa laughed. It was something they had all talked about endlessly in the old days – half joking, half serious. ‘I’m going to give it a try,’ she shrugged.

  ‘Have you seen Daniel?’

  ‘No. You were the only one I knew where to find. You still see each other?’

  ‘All the time! Right, we have to arrange a big night out – the three musketeers reunited!’

  Lisa giggled. ‘That sounds really good.’ She felt like her old self again – young, carefree and light-hearted. ‘I did see Rose not that long ago,’ she said. ‘Just before I left London.’

  Susie made a face. They had never got along. ‘She was doing well earlier this year,’ she said. ‘I saw her show at Gallery Six. It was really good. But I haven’t heard anything of her since then, now that I think about it.’

  Lisa felt a twinge of disquiet. ‘Apparently she’s with Mark now,’ she said.

  They exchanged a meaningful look.

  Susie frowned. ‘Well, you know I was never Rose’s biggest fan, but she doesn’t deserve that. I wouldn’t wish Mark on my worst enemy.’ She gave Lisa a wary look as if afraid she had over-stepped the mark.

  But Lisa smiled in response and agreed. ‘No. Me neither. But maybe he’ll be different with her,’ she said, trying to shake off her uneasiness. ‘And it might do her career a lot of good.’

  ‘It didn’t do anything for yours,’ Susie said, her lip curling in disgust.

  ‘No,’ Lisa said softly.

  ‘Anyway, let’s not waste another second talking about Mark. When will we get together? How long are you in London for?’

  ‘Just for the week at the moment.’

  ‘How about drinks Friday? Ooh, I can’t wait to tell Daniel that I’ve seen you,’ Susie said, suddenly grasping Lisa’s arm excitedly.

  Lisa grinned. ‘Drinks Friday sounds good.’

  They had lost track of time as they chatted, and Susie suddenly realised with a shock that it was after three. ‘Oh my God, I have to get back!’ she said with a startled look at the clock.

  Lisa walked back to the studio with her, and after they had exchanged numbers and arranged to meet on Friday, they parted. Susie pulled her into a fierce hug again in the doorway, and Lisa noticed her eyes were shining with tears as she pulled away.

  ‘See you on Friday,’ she said, her voice a little croaky.

  ‘Can’t wait,’ Lisa said. She realised her own eyes were welling with tears as she turned to go.

  As she walked to the tube, she let tears flow down her cheeks unchecked, too overcome with emotion to control them. She couldn’t believe she was getting her friends back. After years of desolation, her life was panning out the way she’d always dreamed it would – she had work, friends, a beautiful man who loved her. She couldn’t quite believe that she could have it all. As she reached the station the sun suddenly burst out from behind a cloud and she looked up, grinning at the sky as she wiped away her tears. She felt like the luckiest girl in the world.

  Instead of feeling nervous and dreading telling Grayson about her day, she couldn’t wait for him to come home so she could share it with him. As soon as she heard his key in the lock, she bounded out to the hallway and threw herself into his arms, smiling at him happily.

  ‘Well, no need to ask how today went, I guess,’ he said, grinning back at her as he wrapped his arms around her. They kissed as he kicked the door closed behind him, dropping a portfolio case on the floor with a thud.

  Finally they pulled apart.

  ‘I take it you found your friend, then?’ he asked, smiling at her as he slid his arm around her waist and they went into the library.

  ‘Susie, yes,’ Lisa said, flopping onto the sofa.

  ‘And?’ he asked softly as he sat beside her. ‘It went well?’

  Lisa nodded. ‘She was so happy to see me,’ she said, almost wonderingly.

  ‘Of course she was,’ Grayson said. ‘I told you she would be.’

  ‘We’re going out for drinks on Friday – with Daniel too.’

  ‘That’s great!’

  Lisa smiled. She knew she could ask him to come along if she wanted to, and he’d be happy to join them. But she also knew that he was happy for her to have a night out with her old friends and didn’t expect to be invited. It was so ... normal, she thought delightedly. Her life was wonderfully, beautifully ordinary, and she loved it.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  The more Lisa thought about moving back to London, the more she knew that deep down it was what she wanted. The idea of starting to build a career as an artist was exciting. If it took off, she may even be able to make a living doing what she loved. It was what she’d always wanted. She’d be close to Grayson and able to share his life fully, with no more long separations. She could see Susie and Daniel again. She’d have friends, a relationship and a shot at achieving the professional success she aspired to. It was the life she’d been on the brink of years ago before she met Mark and got steered off course, and she felt the same heady thrill when she contemplated it now as she had then. Life seemed full of promise and possibility.

  Of course, Mark was the one major stumbling block in all this. She couldn’t hide from him forever if she wanted to be part of the London art scene. She would come to his attention sooner or later. Did she have the strength to face him? Was she crazy to even contemplate it? Only a few days ago, the idea of coming to Lo
ndon had terrified her, even though there was almost no chance of bumping into him. She’d ruled it out without a second thought.

  But now that she was here, she felt different. She wasn’t the same cowering, insecure girl who’d run away six months ago. She had changed. In Cornwall she’d healed and rediscovered her sense of self. She’d reclaimed her self-respect and learned to stand on her own two feet.

  In the following days, when Grayson was at work, she would walk the streets alone, testing how she felt about being there. She walked around Hampstead, past the house she used to share with Mark, and tried to imagine coming face to face with him. Would she be able to hold her nerve with him now, or would she regress to the pathetic, timid creature she’d been before? Even though the memories that house threw up made her ache with sadness for the lost, lonely girl she’d been then and the miserable life she’d lived there, she found she didn’t quail at the thought of seeing Mark now. The idea of him no longer terrified her. She felt confident she could face him when the time came.

  Everything she loved and wanted most in the world was here in London. It was where Grayson lived; it was the centre of the art world; it was where her grandparents were buried. The streets echoed with her childhood memories. London was where she belonged, and she was ready to come home.

  Grayson was pleased when she told him, though he tried not to appear too eager. ‘If you’re sure it’s what you want,’ he said, but she could tell he was making an effort to sound offhand. He didn’t want to influence her decision.

  ‘I am,’ she said. ‘I’m not letting Mark rule my life anymore.’

  ‘You really wouldn’t be doing it for me?’ he asked, a slow smile spreading across his face.

  ‘No.’ She shook her head slowly, holding his gaze so he would know she was telling him the truth. ‘You’re just a bonus.’ She leaned in and kissed him, and their lips clung together lingeringly.