Discovering Danielle

by L M Terry

  Both she and Anna look up at me and smile. “Aunt Dani, I’m going to the zoo today!”

  “Oh, you will love it. Uncle Anthony and I went last week. Did you know that they have a building full of beautiful butterflies?”

  “No,” she says, innocent wonderment filling her eyes. “Mommy can we go to the butterfly building first?” My heart swells, oh thank god, she seems okay. For some reason I have been worried that yesterday would leave her fearful. But, she has people who love her, who were there for her on the most frightening day of her life.

  Anna laughs. “I’m sure we can.” She turns to me and pats the bed beside her. “Come, color with us until the guys get back.”

  “Where did they go?” Sophia hands me a color book as I sit down.

  Her eyes shift away before she answers. “They just went for a drive.”

  Something is off. The anxiousness that always sits in the pit of my stomach bubbles up. There are days in your life when you somehow know that everything is about to change. That your entire universe will shift. I can count on one hand the number of times I have felt this way. The day we found my dead father, the day I ran away from home, the day fear took over me in the grocery store, the day Anthony gave me a choice via text to either call Luis or let him deal with my problem and now today. The only difference from the other days compared to this one is that I have no idea what is coming.

  The clock ticks slowly. Anna has turned cartoons on for Sophia. I try to focus on the bright, colorful program that she is watching but my eyes keep drifting to Anna and Addy. Addy joined us about an hour ago. Every now and then I see them check their phones and then their eyes meet, and a sad look passes between them. What the fuck is going on?

  After several hours I crack. “What is going on?” I ask.

  Anna looks at her phone. “Oh, they are here. Addy, the guys want us to meet them in the lobby. Anthony is on his way up.” She quickly busies herself picking up Sophia’s things. “Give Aunt Dani a hug we need to get going to the zoo.”

  Sophia hugs me and gives me eskimo kisses before jumping off the bed and taking Anna’s hand. “See ya later, Dani,” Addy says, giving me a tiny wave before they step out of my room. It does not go unnoticed by me that she did not answer my question. My stomach sinks with each minute that passes. Another full thirty minutes pass before he finally steps into my room.

  He hesitates by the door his eyes landing everywhere but on mine. I sit up straighter on the bed. Has he realized that I am more trouble than I am worth? Maybe now that he has had time to think about the fact that I am a victim it has turned him off and he doesn’t want me anymore. Wait, maybe I am in trouble for shooting that man. The police haven’t even come to visit me yet, either has my doctor. Whatever it is I am certain that this is the beginning of the end.

  When I look back to him he is watching me. He kicks off his shoes and sits on my bed with his legs folded under him, facing me. “We need to talk,” he says taking my hands in his. This is it. This is where he tells me that for whatever reason he has changed his mind about me.

  “First of all, I want you to know that I love you. No matter what happens from this moment on you are mine and I am yours. So, listen to me very carefully.” My eyes drift to the windows but he grips my chin and redirects them back to him. “I know that you are going to try and pull away from me after what I am about to tell you. But, know this with one hundred percent certainty, I will not leave you. Not out of obligation but because I love you. I understand that even though I’m telling you this you will still try to leave me. That is not happening.”

  This is bad. This is really bad.

  My heart is beating so loud I can feel it in every part of my body. My stomach is slowly clawing its way up towards my throat.

  Anthony captures my eyes holding them hostage as he takes his razor-sharp words and stabs them into my chest.

  “You have a brain tumor,” he says it so quietly that I’m not sure if I hear him correctly over the thud of my heart.

  “A-a tumor?” I stammer, drawing my head back slightly.

  “A neurosurgeon will be here after lunch to discuss our options. I have the best doctors in Los Angeles working with the doctors here, they are going to come up with a plan but the one thing they know for certain is that it has to come out.”

  “I don’t understand, I’m healthy there is no way. Are you sure? Maybe it’s just a bruise from hitting my head yesterday?”

  “Dani, they are sure. It is large, it’s unmistakable.” He shakes his head. “They said you were lucky…” I stop him abruptly.

  “Lucky. Lucky? How in the fuck is a brain tumor lucky?”

  “Lucky that you hit your head…otherwise you may not have ever known about the tumor until…” his words trail off.

  “Until it was too late?” I finish the sentence with words he cannot say.

  He nods. I can’t take the somber expression on his face, so I look away. I’ve done nothing but make this man’s life nothing but sheer chaos. But this. This. How unexpected. But, none the less this was how I always saw it ending. There was never going to be an Anthony and Danielle.

  “You’re doing it already. When I just told you less than two minutes ago that you are stuck with me.”

  “Anthony,” I breathe out.

  “No. Stop, you don’t get to decide this, Dani.” He smacks his palms on his legs as if the discussion is over and we are moving on to the next thing. Like this is just a normal everyday sort of problem that can be pushed to the back burner. “We aren’t going to do any guessing games. We are going to wait to talk to the doctors more about this after lunch. Addy and Liam ran down to get us some deli sandwiches and they should be back by now. Can I call them up?”

  My mind is running through a thousand scenarios. I’m not about to take Anthony down this path with me. This is my life. One fucked up thing after another. I need to think about this. This charade of Anthony and I can’t go any farther. I have to stop this. “Yeah. Hey, do they have a coffee shop here?”

  He eyes me suspiciously. “Yeah, downstairs.”

  “Could you get me something, anything with a good dose of chocolate?”

  “I’ll have them get you something on their way up.”

  “No.” I reach out to stop him from texting them. “I mean, why don’t you go down and get them. Five minutes, Anthony. I just need five minutes to process this.”

  “Okay, I’ll be back in five,” he leans over and kisses my forehead. He pauses just inside my door. “We will get through this, Dani. Together.”

  I nod and the minute he closes the door I grab my phone and dial Lizzie. My nails become my lunch as I wait for her to pick up. The second she does I start to cry. “I need you, Lizzie.”

  “Tank!” she yells and then, “where are you, Dani?”

  “I..I don’t know. I’m in a hospital. Wait I don’t know if I can leave. You have to go get my things from Anthony’s. I can’t go back there. I’m so fucking stupid. Please I can’t do this to him. I…please Liz, I don’t know what’s happening…” I know I’m not making any sense and I’m starting to hyperventilate. Oh my god. I have a brain tumor!

  Suddenly the phone is snatched out of my hand and I look up to see Anthony holding it, a hurt expression on his face. Shit, he heard everything I just said. “Hold on Liz,” he says into the phone and then he bends over placing his hand at the base of neck and gently rubs. “Breathe, Dani. Nice deep breaths. That’s it princess.”

  Addy and Liam walk in and drop bags of food on the end of my bed. Addy rushes to me. “Oh, Dani,” she says as she comes around wrapping me in her arms. She bends down to capture my eyes. “Look at me, deep breath in and out. Just mimic my breathing, that’s it.”

  Anthony steps away and slowly backs out of the room….with my phone. Damn him! “I’m okay,” I tell Addy as I try to push myself away from her. She sits on the edge of my bed and Liam sits down behind her.

  “Dani, you are going to get through this. I kno
w this is scary, but we will be with you every step of the way,” she says encouragingly.

  Liam leans over bracing himself over my lower legs with one arm. “Please don’t push him away, Dani. He loves you.”

  “I can’t do this to him. My life is one fucked up thing after another.” I leave the bed to go and sit on the windowsill. I’m sure I’ll be spending plenty of time in a hospital bed, I need to be away from it.

  Addy leaves the room. I’m assuming to check on Anthony. Liam moves to sit with me. I focus on the world outside. The world that continues to spin even though mine has stopped. “Do you love him?” he asks cutting through the deafening silence in the room.

  “It doesn’t matter. I’m not putting him through this. He’s my James Bond. He needs to be on the go, all the time. You know this. How can I ask him to slow down to take care of me? I can’t do it, Liam. I just can’t do that to him.”

  “Because you love him?”

  “Yes, because I love him.” I allow my eyes to meet his. Looking for an ally but not finding one.

  “He has wanted to love someone, to have someone love him for a long time now. He wants to slow down. He wants you.”

  I shake my head and tear my gaze away from him. The intensity in his eyes is too much for me. “Please, stop,” I say, my throat aching from the sadness engulfing me.

  He chuckles and my eyes dart back to his. What exactly does he find funny about this? “You know you aren’t going to win here. You are one of us now and we. Never. Leave. A. Man. Behind. Never.” He accentuates each word. He stands up and grabs one of the fast food bags off the bed and then sits back down taking a sandwich out and tossing it to me. “Eat,” he orders.

  Well, fuck me. If I thought one bossy guy was hard to handle how am I going to handle two…or is it three…or shit…all of them? As much as I don’t want Anthony to go through this with me I have to admit to myself that this teeny tiny part of me likes that he and his family have me. They have me…even if I fight them at every turn…they have me. I don’t know whether to cry or smile, so I do both.

  He laughs again as he takes a bite of his sandwich. “You’re going to be just fine, you know,” he mumbles with a mouth full of food.

  “I doubt it but whatever,” I say haughtily, testing out this new relationship with him.

  “You will be. You’ll see.” He laughs again and winks at me. “Sugar and spice, just like I imagined Anthony’s girl to be.”

  I roll my eyes at him and he smiles, a cute little dimple appearing.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Anthony

  ◆◆◆

  The doctor came in while Dani was showering. When he asked to speak with me in the family room down the hall I knew. My heart dropped into the pit of my stomach. I’m not really sure what all he said. The words tumor, treatment, cancer, surgery…those were the only things that stuck out to me. The last six weeks with her flashed through my mind. Holding her, laughing with her, green eyes and tangled limbs. Those memories mixed with the doctor’s voice gut punched me. And then the fear….

  Two days now I’ve known fear. I can’t lose her, it’s not an option. Do you want to know what’s worse than hearing those words about someone you love? It’s having to repeat them to the person you love. The confusion on her face as I told her broke me.

  I’m not a religious man but, I’ve done nothing but pray for the past several hours. I thanked God for his timing all the while cursing him for it. Thanked him for my friends being here but cursed him for laying this at our feet just as we are in the beginning stages of our love.

  I knew that she would try to push me away. She will continue to do so. I will have to be strong for the both of us. She is scared right now. I know what I have to do and that is exactly what I have been doing. I have to keep helping her face her fears and keep her anxiety at bay.

  So, I allowed myself three hours. Three hours with my friends by my side. An hour to beat the shit out of the bag at the closest gym we could find. An hour to think about what is next and to get a plan in motion. And then, I can’t even believe I’m admitting this but, I spent an hour weeping.

  Now, it’s time. Time for me to step up and be the man that I need to be for the woman I love. I will not fail her. Hearing her on the phone with Lizzie hurt, I’m not going to lie. Addy came out of the room and helped me remember that Dani is just scared and hurting. There is no way in hell I’m letting her move out of my place. It’s not my place any more…. it’s our place. Our home. The thought of her going through this in that tiny apartment alone rips my soul out. It’s simply not an option.

  When I went back into her room after talking to Lizzie she had calmed down and was sitting quietly with Liam on the windowsill. When her eyes eventual met mine, I saw her silent apology. This is new for the both of us. I sat beside her quietly and we watched the people below, coming and going. Get well balloons and flowers in the arms of visitors. These kinds of things happen to other people, not to us I tell myself but, it doesn’t change reality. Reality is that she has a tumor and that could mean many things for us. I try not to let my mind wander, telling myself to stick to the facts. Facts we don’t have…yet.

  Addy and Liam left to go back to the hotel and break the news to Rosemary and Luis. We are all on pause, waiting for what’s next. The neurosurgeon I spoke with this morning comes in after lunch just like he promised. Dani looks at me with dread in her eyes upon his arrival.

  He takes us to a conference room and then shuts the lights off so that we can see the images from her scans. She grips my hand tightly and there it is plain as day, our new nemesis. I’m used to fighting bad guys, but this is an enemy I don’t know how to battle. Addy assured me that she and Luis will be by our side, that they will help us walk the path of medical terminology and everything else it entails. Her green eyes are wide, with tears swimming along her bottom lash. She blinks and I watch a lone tear trail down her cheek. She swipes it away quickly.

  “I’ve been video conferencing with a team of doctors in Los Angeles. Our plan is to have you stay with us for a few days. We will run more scans and do some base line testing. The results will be sent to your doctors there so they can get the best treatment plan in place for you.”

  Dani glances at me before turning her attention back to the doctor. “So, it will be a while before the surgery?”

  “Yes, a few weeks. We will schedule you an appointment with your doctors before you leave. I know this is scary, but know this, you have the best medical professionals working for you.” He takes Dani’s hand in his. “I’ve looked over your medical records. The tumor is located in your frontal lobe. There is a good chance the tumor is what has been causing your extreme fear and anxiety.”

  Dani looks at me sitting up straighter in her chair before turning back to the surgeon. “So, if the tumor is removed that could possible cure me?”

  He nods slightly. “I don’t want to get your hopes up but yes, it could help. However, one of the side effects after the surgery is anxiety, it is usually temporary so it could take some time to see if that was indeed the cause. But, the headaches, dizziness, those are all being caused by this thing.” He leans back and points to the blob on the screen. “One day at a time, Dani. It won’t be a fast process. It won’t be an easy one but eventually the answers will come to us. The first step is the removal of the tumor and then we will know what we are dealing with. Okay?”

  She nods and then leans over and places her head on my shoulder. I kiss the top of her head and wrap my arm around her. “Is there anything we can do, to make this easier for her?” I ask.

  “Yes, proper nutrition, sleep and exercise are all things that can help. Try and relax, I know that is easier said than done. Many of my patients tell me meditation has helped them. It’s important to remember that this is not a death sentence, try to go about life as you normally would.”

  Dani looks up at me giving me a weak smile. “You’re not going to make me eat broccoli now are you?”

/>   The doctor and I both laugh. This is why I love her. She is always up to banter with me, even on the worst of days. “Maybe we can compromise,” I tell her with a flirty wink.

  She tucks her head back into my shoulder. “Okay, let’s do this.”

  The doctor walks us back to her room. “You’re probably going to feel picked on, but we will get through the testing as quickly as we can and hopefully get you released sometime tomorrow. Let the nurses know if you have any questions or concerns and they will get in touch with me. I’ll stop back by this evening.”

  “Thank you,” Dani says softly as he walks out.

  Then it begins. She is poked, prodded, asked a million questions but, after a long day it finally quiets down for the evening. Anna and Addy brought us up an amazing dinner from one of the finest restaurants in Denver. Dani ate everything, I’m glad she has an appetite. She hasn’t eaten much since yesterday. So here we sit, full and exhausted. We are sitting in the windowsill facing each other, each of us leaning our backs against the opposite wall, deep in our own thoughts.

  She taps her foot against mine. “You should get out now.”

  “I don’t want out.”

  She tucks her legs up and rests her chin against her knees. “Listen to me, Anthony, you need to get back to your life. You should get back to the work of saving people. You helped me. More than you will ever know but, I can get through this. Others need you more than I do.”

  “I’ve worked for the past twenty-two years helping others. Our business continues as we speak, a younger, bolder generation now work for us. They are out there; I promise you that hasn’t stopped. But, it’s not for me anymore, my work isn’t on the front lines any longer. I’m much more help behind the scenes at this point in my life.”

  “Anthony, you are my James Bond. A man on the go, a man that fears nothing. Don’t stop doing what you love for me.”

  “That’s not true anymore.” I slide down the sill so that I am inches from her. “I am afraid.”