Can’t Touch This

by Michael Todd

  Timothy raised an eyebrow as he walked his fingers across Sean’s shoulders. “So, I happened to notice something lately.”

  Sean was looking down at the data that had come in since they left. “Mmhmm. What’s that? Leopard and stripes are not compatible?”

  Timothy gasped. “Please, honey. The first thing every gay boy learns is that leopard and stripes send you right to the trailer park. Sorry, not sorry. No. I realized how close you and Carmen have suddenly become. Is there something I should be preparing for? Do you need the birds and the bees talk? Because I can order the material and it’ll be overnighted.”

  Sean rolled his eyes and shrugged. “She’s all right. Like I said, she makes me laugh like no one’s business, and she’s cool to be around. We are kind of limited in our friends here, so when a good one comes, I snag them before they can be spoken for.”

  Timothy wrinkled his nose. “What is this, a cow auction?”

  Sean chuckled, backing his chair up and wheeling across the room. “I made a choice when I came back here and was in the hospital. Before I even got out of that bed, I had already made it, and that was to never be Damned again if I could help it. And it’s good I made my own choice and decided to take charge of my life. That being said, it’s kind of alienated me from the rest of the crew.”

  Timothy looked up at him. “Nooo. Really? Those guys love you.”

  Sean smiled. “I don’t doubt that for one second, but there is a bond in the field, and I don’t have that with them anymore. They include me as much as they can, but in the end, it’s really me pushing myself out because I’m not capable of fighting demons one on one anymore. I’m not upset about it. Really. I knew it would happen, and it weighed heavily on me when I was trying to make the decision. It was really the only thing that stopped me from just saying no from the beginning. But I like the choice I made.”

  Timothy narrowed his eyes. “And that has what to do with Carmen? Are you bringing her in as your replacement for Eddie?”

  Sean laughed. “God, no. She is much more attractive than Eddie. Sheesh, give me a little credit. A guy’s gotta trade up when he loses friends. No, I didn’t lose any friends. I just thought it would be nice to have somebody as cool as her to hang out with. You know, start the new part of my life.”

  Timothy patted himself in the chest. “You’ve got me!”

  Sean nodded. “I know, you’re part of the whole group! Of course, right now it’s just us three, but we don’t really need that many friends, do we?”

  Timothy shook his head. “Pfft. Having too many friends is expensive and overrated.”

  The sun had gone down in Bahrain and the air had gotten more than a little chilly, especially coming off the water in front of their two-bedroom house. The government had put them up in dignitary housing, an upscale house on the water with strange statues and even stranger paintings on the wall. One of the good things was the furniture was comfortable and the place was air-conditioned but not heated.

  Neither Brock nor Korbin really cared at that point. Korbin was just glad that he’d hit two missions in a row with awesome accommodations. They were in for the night, and had made sure to be home when the interview with Katie came on. They sat there stunned for the entire forty-three minutes of the interview. At first, they rooted for Katie, watching her nail every question and even throw in a few jokes here and there to catch the hearts of people all over the world.

  They both saw when the tide began to turn, though, and when Pandora jumped from her chest, all you could hear were both guy’s palms smacking their heads. They knew from there on out it would either be brilliant or a shit show. When the cameras trailed off, Katie and Pandora walking through the set with their wings out, Korbin clicked it off.

  Both of them sat there in silence for several moments, contemplating the circus they’d just watched. After a few moments, Brock shook his head and sat up, slapping his hand on the couch. “Well, I think it ended well, at least.”

  Korbin looked over. “Oh, yeah. I agree. No blood was shed, and no sexual remarks were made. The language was a bit much, but it is Pandora.”

  Brock shrugged. “Do you think it will affect our work?”

  Korbin linked his hands behind his head and lay back. “I think it will, one way or another. Either they will cuss at us and kick us out, or just make it hell for us for the rest of the trip, or they will embrace her words and respect her. Either way, we’ll hear about it, that’s for sure. But you’ve also got to remember they need us out here. Liking Katie doesn’t have anything to do with whether they need this fort to save them from the demons.”

  Brock smiled, looking out the window at the water. “Personally, I hope what they said really touches people. I hope they opened their ears and their minds and really listened to what was being said. Who knows, maybe it will make the world a little kinder, a little more accepting, and a little more resistant to the demons? Then perhaps we can continue this war on even footing instead of fighting the demons while we fight among ourselves, taking sides when there is truly only one side to take if you are a human.”

  Korbin groaned, sitting up and reaching for his soda. “The fort plans are starting to come together. Very slowly, but they look good. You know, my whole goal is just to give these cities or islands or whatever, a fighting chance when the incursions come. To save even one life because of the forts? In my mind, that is a victory. At the end of the day, I want all the forts up and running so I can get my wife and go back to my house in the middle of nowhere with our little garden and black shutters.”

  Brock smiled. “That right there sounds like a vacation.”

  Korbin chuckled. “Yeah. It’s a good life, but I know I’ve got to fight until the last demon is locked up in hell. Otherwise, I will always be looking over my shoulder.”

  Katie and Pandora dragged their feet into their regular Krispy Kreme, and the people behind the counter began to clap. Katie laughed as Pandora waved. “Thank you. Thank you. It’s not often you can scare a lesbian news reporter to tears, ruin your reputation, and isolate yourself from the world. I worked hard on that.”

  The girl behind the counter shook her head, handing her an already-prepared box of hot donuts. “We all thought it was amazing. It really made us realize that some of us were putting our fears in the wrong direction. There is nothing to be afraid of when it comes to you two. Thanks for all you do. Those are on us.”

  Pandora high-fived all of them, and they sat down at one of the tables in the store instead of the pizza parlor for a change. Katie watched as the girl walked over and locked the doors as a mob of people approached. They pressed themselves against the windows to try to get a glimpse of the two angels. Pandora didn’t look up. “Do they have pitchforks?”

  Katie looked over shoulder. “Not unless they are walking really uncomfortably, ‘cause that’s the only place they could really hide them.”

  Pandora sneered. “I can’t hide that there. What the hell is wrong with your vagina?”

  Katie laughed, then groaned as her phone rang. She looked at the screen and sighed. “It’s the general. I guess this is where we find out our fate.”

  Katie put the phone to her ear. “General Brushwood. I did not expect your phone call at all.”

  He laughed at her sarcasm. “I know you are probably at Krispy Kreme, eating donuts and wondering how long it will be until you are lynched in Madison Square Garden, but I called to tell you that I think you actually did a really good job. The whole time, even when you had to keep your composure. Of course, I could have done without Pandora leaping from your chest, tits flying everywhere, ready to break the reporter’s neck. Nonetheless, on the whole, it was a success, I think.”

  Katie let out a deep breath. “Do you think the country and the world will think that? Or even the World Council, who already hates my guts even though they act like they don’t?”

  The general chuckled, clearing his throat to hide the laugh. “I think only time will tell until we figure out
just how well it worked.”

  Katie grumbled. “Or didn’t work. More like blew up in my face and caused a riot. There are a shit-ton of people outside right now waiting for us.”

  “Do you need me to send someone?”

  Katie giggled. “No, General, but thank you. I don’t need the Army to rescue me from Krispy Kreme. It’s the thought that counts, though.”

  He went silent for a few moments. “Katie. I wouldn’t tell you that you did well if I thought you completely fucked up. Hopefully, people see that you and Pandora are both human and that you want to help them, not hurt them. If they can do that, then I would have to say you were a success. Either way, I’m proud of you.”

  Katie smiled. “Thanks. Let me know when I have to go back into the lights.”

  Brushwood sniffed. “I will do that, and it will probably be soon.”

  They hung up and Katie shrugged, setting the phone down. “The general thinks we did really well. I guess we’ll see what happens.”

  Pandora nudged the box toward Katie with her elbow. “Right now, what’s going to happen is that you are going to eat.”

  She reached for the donut, but her phone rang again. Katie growled and picked it up. “This is Katie.”

  “Hey, whore bucket,” Calvin replied.

  Katie smiled and laughed to herself. “Hey there. What’s up?”

  Calvin yawned. “Saw your interview. I guess my first question is, why the hell were you doing an interview?”

  Katie shrugged, breaking off a piece of donut and popping it in her mouth. “To keep people on my side. To let them see that I am a person too. That I care about them. That I only want what is best for mankind. And to also make them realize I’m not doing any of this for money. I need to calm their fears. Help them to start working with other people.”

  Calvin laughed. “Pandora hit that one right on the head.”

  Pandora narrowed her eyes. “I can hear you, Black Mambo.”

  Calvin let out a long chuckle. “In all seriousness, though, I really respect what the two of you are doing.”

  Katie smiled. “Thanks, Calvin. That means a lot. So, how is the base? I know you stayed home this time, and I figured that would be a big load off.”

  Calvin groaned. “It is; it totally is. The base is the base. I like it. I haven’t spent much time here, and it’s…different but the same, you know?”

  Katie smiled. “I can definitely relate to that. Wish I couldn’t, but it is always there, trying to poke out and catch me off-guard.”

  Calvin realized he’d forgotten to ask. “So, did you see Juntto’s cooking show?”

  Katie slapped the table, realizing she had forgotten. “No, I was super busy with all of this. Plus, I met with Gabriel, the general… Everyone. I can’t wait, though. I have it marked on my DVR, so I can pull up YouTube and go right to it. The guys said it made them hungry, so they made cookies. I hope it doesn’t do that to me. I have already had too much sugar today. I’m going to end up like Wilfred Brimley. Dia-beee-tus.”

  Calvin laughed. “Do you have big plans for tonight?”

  Katie scoffed. “Oh, yeah. Huge plans. Going to the condo, pulling on some sexy purple fleece pajamas with lollipops on them, fleece socks, and a hoodie, and curling up on the couch to watch Angie’s video. Not to mention the big fuzzy blanket that I will be wrapping around my body. It’s going to be one hell of a wild ride. Better call me tomorrow to make sure I survived.”

  They both laughed, Katie picturing herself as way older than she actually was. She didn’t care, though. She liked the idea of being comfy. She got off the phone, finally able to eat a donut. “So, what do you want to do tonight?”

  Pandora cracked her neck. “Ummm, I’m totally thinking snacks, watching tv, maybe some reading, sleep a little, then more snacks. Actually, pretty much snacks all the time. Not feeling like hiding my fat inner child right now. It is far too much work.”

  Katie smirked. “Good, that means it’s going to be a lazy evening, no news on, just us with no fucking snipers…hopefully.”

  14

  Beelzebub thrust his chest out and bent his arms as much as he could in his armor. It creaked and rattled, but he was determined to look the part of the commander of an army. He paced slowly, watching as the demon soldiers took their places in the ranks. The larger and more cunning demons took the front spots, and behind them, row after row, were the smaller lesser demons. They too would play an important part in the battle ahead of them.

  While the demon soldiers in the front stood straight and attentive, the smaller, more idiotic ones tended to wander off anytime something shiny came into their view. Given that they were in hell surrounded by fire, that didn’t make for a very attentive group. Nonetheless, they would stay in their ranks until it was time to move forward.

  Marchosias walked up, stopping and saluting Beelzebub. Leaning in, he whispered, “Perhaps a rousing speech to cheer on the troops would be in order.”

  Beelzebub eyed him. “Yes. Good idea, Marchosias. I think they might need a little direction and gusto.”

  Marchosias bowed his head and turned to the troops, clapping his hands. “Attention!”

  The larger demons were already there where the smaller ones snarled and fought, pointing up to the front to get their attention. Beelzebub rolled his eyes as he took his position in front of them. “Hear me now, brave demon soldiers of hell! We hear on a regular basis that we are the ones to be pitied. That we are the weak ones. I say, fuck that!”

  The crowd of demons cheered and pounded their claws on the lava stone. Beelzebub was already getting into it. “That’s right. To be a demon in the glory of hell is an honor that cannot be downgraded. It cannot be ignored. Their fear will drive them mad, and one day when they sit in the fires of damnation on Earth, they will see the privilege of being hell demons’ slaves!!! So go out there, take what is ours, and show them what destruction means by obliterating their precious homes and buildings. Knock down their monuments and statues. It is time to introduce Earth to the immortality of damnation!!”

  Every rank of demons put their hands in the air and began to chant Beelzebub’s name. Even the small ones got into the act, jumping high to see over the larger beasts’ heads. Baal stood to the side, leaning against the rocks, his arms crossed. There was no way he was going to participate in the chaos that was about to ensue. He knew it was a terrible idea, and when it came to those, Baal liked to keep as far back as he could to keep his head from being chopped off of his shoulders.

  Between Moloch and T’Chezz, Baal had no reason to ever question whether his gut instinct on an activity devised by a complete moron was a good idea. Still, he couldn’t stop himself from at least watching as everything went terribly wrong, which no doubt it eventually would. His attacks might have a different theme, but they were just as carelessly planned as every other poor sap demon that ended up sliced by the angel’s blade. It was like a train wreck; he shouldn’t look, but he couldn’t turn away.

  Beelzebub clapped and bellowed loudly as he put his hands out and ripped open a large portal in front of them. Looking through, you could see the favelas in Rio de Janeiro. They were the slums of the town, situated on the side of a hill. Even from there you could see the shoddy construction, dirty streets, and trash piled throughout the rather unfortunately large ghettos of the popular tourist destination.

  The demons all pushed at each other, trying to see through the portal. They were all chomping at the bit to find out exactly where they would be causing pure chaos. Beelzebub raised his hand and lifted up on his tiptoes, pointing at the first rank of lesser demons. He snapped his fingers and waved them forward. They snarled, pushing and shoving each other to try to be the first in line.

  Beelzebub’s snout curled into an evil grin, and he stepped to the side of the portal. “I am pretty sure that each and every one of you knows exactly what to do.”

  The little demons jumped up and down. Next to the large ones, they looked like hyper Chihuahuas tryi
ng to jump for a snack. Beelzebub waved his arm, watching as the droves of small demons went leaping through the portal. They immediately took off at a run, heading straight for the favelas. The number of feet hitting the ground sounded like a stampede of penguins.

  As Marchosias and the Behemoth approached, Beelzebub held out his arm, holding them back for a moment. “You understand you are both my weapons and my eyes out there in the field. You keep those moronic jumping mini-demons on task and make sure that we are two steps ahead of the fighters at all times. Any sign of the angels, come tell me right away.”

  Behemoth slammed his huge fist into his palm and lumbered over to the portal, taking a head-first dive through. Both Beelzebub and Marchosias watched him for a moment as he rolled, coming straight up in a run, the streets shaking around him as he went.

  Beelzebub turned to Marchosias, reaching up and rubbing his shoulder. In his other hand, he held a bright and shiny new sword, the symbol of Lucifer burned into the handle. “This, my friend, is for you. It is a hell-forged sword for good luck. I figured it might be something a bit more elegant than eating humans in one bite. There needs to be more to my lieutenants than just bloodthirsty rages.”

  Marchosias bowed his head. “Thank you. What about Behemoth?”

  Beelzebub curled his lip and rubbed his chin. “I figured if I gave him something like that, he would get confused and end up eating it or something like that. We don’t want to kill off the big guys just because their brains are the size of a mouse’s.”

  The demon lieutenant tilted his head from side to side, gripping his new sword tightly. “That was probably a good choice.”

  The sun was hot, shining down hard on the stacked dirty and mismatched houses inside the favela. It was a balmy ninety-five degrees on the streets of Rio, exactly the time of year when so many tourists flocked there. Outrunning the cold and snow was definitely a plus. The favelas were typically not the safest places for the tourists to venture, but still, they went. They gawked at the third world feel of the poor, turning to see the tall looming technology of downtown Rio. It was a stark contrast, to say the least.