Can’t Touch This

by Michael Todd

  Several young kids had come out as soon as the sun had risen, staking their claims on decent spots to hit tourists up, trying to get them to buy flip-flops. One of the kids elbowed the other, nodding at a couple walking through, staring around the disheveled shanty town. “Flip-flops, only three real. Not even one American dollar.”

  The couple smiled but shook their head. “No thanks.”

  The kid snarled and slapped the sandals against his thigh. Another of the boys pushed him, laughing. “Look, your dirty shirt and ragged haircut scared them away.”

  Another kid stepped forward, putting some money in an old fanny pack around his waist. “They would have bought from me. You should step back and let the pros handle it.”

  The first kid gritted his teeth. “You are no better. You smell like a donkey’s balls. They were actually running as fast as they could to get away from you!”

  The fanny-pack kid stepped up to him, pushing his chest out. “Oh, yeah?”

  “Yeah.”

  Another kid slapped them both on the shoulders and slowly pointed up at the hillside. His eyes were wide, and terror showed on his face. The kids turned, watching as a portal snapped open. They stepped forward, narrowing their eyes as they waited for something to come out. Suddenly a flood of small demons leapt out, surging toward them. The kids screamed and took off running in the other direction.

  The demons jumped through the air, grabbing metal overhangs and flinging themselves up on the sides of the houses. They ripped and tore, demolishing every thin wall and every shopfront they could find. It was complete carnage as they turned on the humans, leaping down and tackling them to the ground as their teeth bit into flesh.

  Beelzebub stood in his armor, his peg leg gleaming in the sunlight coming through the portal. The next wave of demons stepped up, and he waved them to the edge. “Get to the populated areas! Kill as many as you can!”

  He stepped out of the portal with them, enjoying the screams and shrieks coming from the favelas. He cackled loudly and stepped back into hell, calling the next wave forward.

  Timothy tapped lightly on Stephanie’s open office door, and she glanced up from her paperwork and waved him in. “Hey, buddy. Have a seat. I was just finishing up with this stuff.”

  Timothy looked around her sleek and modern office, pursing his lips. “Look at this place, girl. It’s like stepping out of MASH into Cribs. I love those curtains.”

  Stephanie smiled, tapping the stack of papers on the desk and setting them in the basket. “Thanks. I like to be comfortable when I put on my clerical hat. So, what’s up? I don’t think you’ve ever requested to meet with me like this.”

  Timothy pushed a pen around on the desk in front of him. “Usually we just discuss over manicures and such, but it’s been a while. I actually had a couple of questions about one of the soldiers on the base.”

  Stephanie leaned back, narrowing her eyes. “From what I can tell there, are no gay soldiers on the base, so don’t go scaring them off. We need them.”

  Timothy smacked his lips. “Girl, please! I don’t want no scrubs. No, I wanted to know if you could tell me about Carmen. Who she is, how long she’s been on the base, and such. You know, just her stats, of sorts.”

  Stephanie looked at him curiously and crossed her arms. “I don’t know much about her. She hasn’t been here very long. She came in with a new batch of recruits. As far as I know, she follows orders, keeps up with the guys, and stays quiet most of the time. Why?”

  Timothy shrugged, avoiding eye contact. “She has been spending a lot of time with us, mainly Sean, and I want to make sure I’ve got my man’s back, you know? I don’t need any Yoko Ono situations up in Comms. We are a team, and let me tell you, there will be no breaking up that band.”

  Stephanie laughed, sticking her tongue in her cheek and leaning forward. “Okay, okay. I get it. So, what you’re trying to say is you are jealous of Carmen. She is diverting the attention from you to her.”

  Timothy’s face fell and he lifted his chin, giving her a look of defiance. “I have no idea what you are talking about. Sean is my homeboy, and I am not going to let some two-bit hussy come rolling in and break his wheelchair-bound heart. That is all I am worried about. Nobody wants to work in the dungeon in a room full of snotty tissues with rom-coms playing on the screen all day. I do not do emotion well, at least not other people’s emotions. A man cries and I just freeze, kind of like when someone tries to hand me a baby. Stinky little vomit-filled tiny old-man-looking humans.”

  Stephanie lifted an eyebrow, twisting her lips. “Mmhmm. Sure.”

  Timothy flipped his hand through his hair. “Anyway. I guess if she doesn’t have any terrorist warnings, I will let it go, but I am keeping an eye on her. I’ve seen how she looks at Big Blue on that cooking show.”

  Stephanie slapped her hands on the desk. “Oh! Speaking of that, have you been watching?”

  Timothy clapped his hands excitedly, bouncing to the edge of his seat. “Yes, and oh my God, Angie looked fabulous. Girl has a face for the camera, let me tell you. The cooking show is not bad, either. Though I watched the one recorded before it, and will never get rid of nightmares about butchering goats and pickling fish.”

  Stephanie wrinkled her nose. “Yeah, that was…interesting. Probably why Angie stepped in on the next one. Just honing it a little bit there. His cookies, though? They were delicious. I had one of the batch you guys made the other night. Very impressed with the recipe.”

  Timothy nodded, looking at his nails. “Yes, girl, right to my thighs, but I don’t even care. But you did see Angie doing all the work? I have a feeling they don’t have Kitchen Sink Cookies on the same planet that shows their everyday citizens how to bake rye bread and skin a goat. Just saying.”

  Stephanie giggled, looking down as a light blinked on the phone. She waved her hand. “I’ll let it ring over to another department. Probably just more media people trying to get to Katie and Pandora.”

  Just then, Timothy’s phone began to ring. He furrowed his brow and looked down, pulling it out. “That was a spooky coincidence.”

  He put the phone to his ear. “This is Timothy. How may I service you?”

  “It’s Sean.” His voice sounded panicked.

  Timothy immediately sat up straight and put his hand out to Stephanie to grab her attention. “Sean, why do you sound like you either wheeled a marathon or you are in complete and total panic mode?”

  Sean began to talk really fast, and Timothy put his hand up. “Whoa, whoa. Slow down. Okay, total panic mode, check. Now take a deep breath and try again, only this time I want you to enunciate and actually speak real words.”

  Timothy could hear Sean taking a deep breath through his nose and blowing it out through his mouth. “Okay. Sorry. I panicked. I think there’s an incursion. Alarms are going off all over the place. Half of them I don’t even know what to do with.”

  Timothy jumped up from his chair. “Where is it?”

  Sean typed on the computer for a moment. “Ummm, it’s in Brazil. And Timothy? This is a big one.”

  Katie laughed as her wings beat, her arms out to the side as she playfully swooped around. “I didn’t think he would be scared off that easily. Did you see the tightness of those leather pants and that tattoo on his arm?”

  Pandora closed her eyes. “Mmm, mmm, mmm. I sure did. He looked like he might be hiding a few whips, some leather chaps, and a two-sided dildo in the back room of his house. Momma is coming home.”

  Katie giggled, feeling her phone buzz in her pocket. She flapped upward and landed on the balcony of her condo. Putting the phone to her ear, she answered cheerfully, “That was perfect timing! I just landed at home. Everything good to go?”

  Timothy cleared his throat, pausing to catch his breath from the run down to the Comms room. “There is an incursion. It is in Rio, and it looks like one monster of a bitch. There are all kinds of heat signatures down there, and I can see the massiveness of the portal opening on the other side of
the hilltop.”

  Katie grabbed Pandora’s arm. “All right, we’re on it. Keep in touch.”

  She ended the call. “We have a monster incursion in Rio.”

  Pandora put her arms up, shimmying as she walked into the condo. “Whoop, whoop! Tropical paradise, here we come.”

  They hurried into Katie’s room and she pulled on her suit, zipping the front as far as it would go over her perky tits. “I’m shocked that these babies are still so upright with you not camping out inside me.”

  Pandora sneered. “Come on now, I’m no amateur. What I do is for life, baby. You’re gonna be a ninety-year-old grandma with perfect tits and a firm ass.”

  Katie shook her head as she pushed her pistols into their holsters. Pandora wiggled as she pulled her suit up over her shoulders and zipped the front up just enough to make sure no nipples flew out during the fight. She clapped hard, grunting as her armor slammed into her. “Sheesh, who’s working up there today? Gabriel?”

  Sliding her sword onto her back and pushing her boobs back into place, she looked at Katie with a ready smile. They hurried out of the apartment and across the hall, knocking to avoid any uncomfortable burst-ins on Angie and Juntto. Angie yelled and they walked in, finding Juntto on the couch watching cooking shows. He turned, standing up immediately and hitting his head on the ceiling.

  Katie waved her arm. “We got one in Rio. It’s a doozy, too, so we gotta be ready for a workout.”

  Juntto shrank down to keep from hitting the ceiling again. “Nice. Hey, have you two watched my cooking show yet?”

  Katie blinked at him. “Not yet. Promise we’ll do that later. Come on, move your big blue ass. Show later, fight now.”

  Juntto hurried to the closet and grabbed his gun and spear out of the bottom, then turned and kissed Angie on the cheek. “Save me some dinner, dear.”

  15

  Juntto stepped through the portal behind Pandora and Katie, growing back to his normal height. Pandora stopped in her tracks, curling her lip and looking around the dimension they were passing through. It was a calm beach with peaceful sea turtles creeping along the edge of the water.

  Pandora shook her head. “There is a serious lack of swinging dicks and bouncing tits here. I don’t think I like it when you pick the dimensions.”

  Katie breathed in deeply with a smile. “I like the calm spots before we go head-first into battle.”

  Pandora stared at her with a sneer. “I forgot, you’re a basic bitch.”

  When they stepped through the second portal, the temperature went from cool seventies to stifling nineties in two seconds. They could feel the heat beating down on them. Juntto immediately began to sweat. “This is like that movie I watched with the clay guys.”

  Katie scratched her head. “Clay guys?”

  Juntto nodded, strapping his gun to his back. “Yeah. There was a man made of balls of snow. He came to life with a hat. Then spring came, and he started to melt.”

  Katie giggled. “Ahh. That classic story, Frosty the Snow Balls. Got it.”

  Pandora stretched her arms out to each side and grinned. “This is the life. Hot weather, just like my old home.”

  Katie ignored her and began to look around. They were on the edge of downtown Rio, but there wasn’t anyone out in the streets. At the same time, though, there were also no demons. Apparently, they had not landed close to the incursion.

  Juntto squinted and pointed up the hillside. All of the small stacked houses in the favela were burning. The smoke billowed up from all over, and when Katie took a moment to listen, she could hear the screams echoing from the town. “Wait, they attacked the favelas and not the downtown area? That doesn’t make much sense. All these beautiful buildings.”

  Pandora spread her wings. “Don’t give them any ideas, hooker. Come on, let’s roll over there and see what we can do.”

  Katie spread her wings wide, and they each grabbed one of Juntto’s arms. As they began to fly upward, Pandora grunted. “Hey, man, you think you can downsize while we’re lugging your ass over here? You are sinking us back to the ground.”

  Juntto shrank, holding his huge weapons to his chest. “Hurry. These guns weigh a lot for puny human muscles.”

  Katie and Pandora laughed as they flew out of the main part of Rio and over toward the favelas. As they crossed into the town, they looked down, seeing hundreds and hundreds of demons on the loose. Katie was shocked. “All right, Biggie Smalls, let’s send those babies a little Juntto bomb.”

  Juntto laughed, growing huge and pulling his legs up to his chest. Katie and Pandora glanced at each other before releasing him and watching as he flew hard toward the ground, hitting a huge group of demons below. The earth shook, and a crater formed beneath him. Demons flew in all directions, most of them turning to dust before they hit the ground.

  Katie pumped her fist. “Yesss. Dropping bombs on those bitches.”

  Pandora gave her a high-five. “You know me. Now all we have to do is rig explosives to him next time, and boom.”

  Katie turned her head slowly, looking at Pandora with wide eyes. “And end up having to take big blue Juntto chunks back to Angie?”

  Pandora waved her hand. “Pffft. Semantics.”

  Down below they could hear the rat-a-tat-tat of Juntto’s huge machine gun. Dust flew up in billows as he blasted bullets in a line down the street, taking out a dozen or more demons with one burst. Katie pulled out Tom and Harry, closing one eye as she descended slowly, hitting demons in the tops of their heads. Pandora did the same, taking the other side. She floated down to the edge of the roof of the highest house and shot several times.

  Katie glanced over, seeing a demon running straight for her. “Look out!”

  Pandora immediately spun to the left, flying backward with both guns out in front of her. She blasted that demon until he looked like a piece of Swiss cheese. Then she laughed as he slammed into the side of the roof before turning to ash.

  Katie smirked at first, going back to shoot more of the demons. As she turned, though, she glanced at one of the houses across from her. It sat slanted and seemed to blow slightly in the breeze. Standing in the open window was a small girl dressed in a dirty pink lace dress, holding a disheveled stuffed bear with one eye missing and the stuffing completely gone from the legs. The reality of the scene hit her out of nowhere. She turned, looking down through the favelas at the abandoned overturned carts and tables, the trash and sewage in the edges of the street, and the buildings that seemed to fall after being hit by a small burst of air.

  Gritting her teeth, she looked at Pandora, who raised an eyebrow, not exactly sure what was going on. “Whatever happened, I did not do it. I have been minding my own damn bullets over here.”

  Katie pursed her lips, her jaw clenching and unclenching. “It’s not that. The favelas—they are where the poorest people live. They are the ones scraping for food, clean water, clothes, and shoes for their feet. They trade themselves and their belongings just to feed their families and live in one of these crappy houses with no running water.”

  Pandora looked around. “There are a lot of places like that around the world, Katie.”

  Katie blasted three shots from her gun into the face of a demon at eye level to her right and across the street. “I know. That is what is even worse. It’s always the poor that get fucked during wars. There is no extra protection for them, no rushing motorcades of soldiers, no shelters or emergency food and water. They are left to defend themselves, and when they can’t, their bodies are left in piles for burning. I’ve seen it too many times. These motherfuckers targeted the weakest ones they could find.”

  Brock and Korbin were walking up to their house, heading inside for a lunch break. They’d had fresh fruit, cheese, and nuts delivered by the government that morning, so they figured they would save a buck and eat there. They entered the house and took off their work boots, both wiping the sweat from their faces. Brock tossed his hat on the counter and grabbed the remote, clicking on the
television.

  As Korbin walked into the kitchen, his phone went off. He looked at the text from Stephanie. “Incursion in Rio. Big one. Katie, Pandora, and Juntto are on the way.”

  Korbin grabbed the platter of food and walked out to the table, glancing at Brock as he stared at the television. “Incursion in…”

  Brock pointed at the television. “Rio. Goddamn it. What kind of fucking luck is that?”

  Korbin looked down at the floor for a moment and then put the platter down, uncovering it. “I know, it sucks. We could have been in Rio building a fort, but instead, they are getting their asses handed to them.”

  Brock and Korbin both sat down at the table, keeping their eyes locked on the television as they shoveled fruit and cheese into their mouths. None of the media was getting close to this one. Instead, they were covering the incursion from a distance, zooming their cameras on the infestation of demons crawling all over the favela.

  Brock leaned forward, resting his elbow on the table and putting his hand on his chin. “It looks like a fucking anthill. There are so many of those fucking things, and they’re attacking the poorest place they could find. What kind of fuckery is this?”

  Korbin could barely watch it, seeing women, men, children, and animals slaughtered in the streets. The rest were hiding, but he knew those shanty homes were not going to keep them safe. They were basically four pieces of drywall and some dried mud. It would be like the demons tearing through paper mâché; they would be inside in a heartbeat.

  Korbin reached over, grabbing a piece of orange but setting it back down as the camera panned over part of a body. “I’m sure Katie is already there. I know this is hard for you to watch. I get it, but we are doing our part here getting this fort up and working.”