Fugly: Book One of the Fenley East Series

by Talie D. Hawkins

  “Fuck if I know. Maybe she knew I was losing interest and wanted some leverage. Honestly, I don’t know if I was ever interested. I just knew my dad would love it if someone like Jessica was my girlfriend. This probably sounds crazy, but I used her. I mean, I knew she’d make me look good and get my dad off of my back. He didn’t bother me if she was around or if I was going somewhere with her.”

  “How the hell did your dad ever get together with your mom?” He just shrugged for an answer.

  “I should let you sleep,” he said as he got up. He looked out of the window for a long time before turning around to leave.

  “I’m not tired,” I said, just before he walked out. He stopped in his tracks and turned around. I moved over and made room for him on my bed as he used the remote to turn on my television. He found the cartoon channel and we settled in for a long night in front of the screen.

  As I woke up I felt a sharp pain in my neck and realized I was in the same position I had been in when I dozed off, except my head was tilted to the side and on the edge of Hunter’s shoulder. I started to sit up, but was startled by the fact that Hunter was wide awake and almost nose to nose with me. He gave me a crooked smile then moved back a little. I moved over and rubbed my neck as I stood.

  “Happy Thanksgiving. You were mumbling in your sleep all night,” he said. I instantly felt myself turning red.

  “I was? What did I say?” I asked, hoping and praying I didn’t say anything stupid.

  “Nothing. It was literal mumbling,” he said, laughing. “I’m starving. Should we go get breakfast burritos?”

  “It wouldn’t be Thanksgiving if we didn’t, just let me get dressed.” I went to my bathroom and brushed my teeth, then I piled my hair into a bun and found something to wear, which ended up being joggers and an oversized sweatshirt. Hunter was still in the same clothes, but his hair was a little neater and it looked like he washed his face.

  “I need to say something,” I said as I swallowed a bite of my burrito. “I don’t think you should run or hide from what Jessica has on you. Just own it. It’s not going to change anything.”

  “She will make sure the entire school knows.”

  “Do you really care if they do?” I asked. He sat back and I could tell he was getting frustrated again. “Look, I know first hand what it’s like to be the center of bad attention at our school, but it’s just school. They will get bored and talk about something else. What will they do? Bench you from a game you’re not even playing anymore?”

  “You don’t understand,” he said and I wondered if maybe I didn’t.

  “So what is the worst that will happen?” He let out a frustrated breath and shook his head. “Seriously?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Will it be worse than Jessica controlling you at this very moment?”

  “What about school applications?” he countered.

  “Include it in your personal essay. They want to see real life in those things. What’s more real than this?”

  “You seriously think so?”

  I met his gaze to let him know I was dead serious. “I say post the video yourself and take the satisfaction away from that miserable bitch.” I didn’t budge from his sight.

  “Wow. When you say it like that you almost have me convinced.”

  “I’m sorry she’s backed you into this corner.”

  “Nope. I can’t totally blame her. I was the one who made the bad choices.”

  “Either way, I’m sorry you’re in this pickle.” He instantly laughed at my choice of words and after a moment I was laughing too. Once we both calmed down he ran a hand through his hair and I could tell he was exhausted. “Hey, did you get any sleep last night?” I saw the corner of his mouth turn up into a small smile.

  “Some of the best I have had in days.”

  The house was warm and muggy from pots of food cooking on the stove when we got back home. My mom was already busy, but turned around with her hands on her hips in disapproval until Hunter waved a white bag in front of her.

  “Do you realize how angry I would be if you had forgotten those?” she asked, snatching the bag of burritos away from him then grinning from ear to ear. “Is it bad that I look forward to these more than anything else about Thanksgiving?” She asked with her mouth full. We both just laughed then got to work helping her.

  Even though there was a lot to prepare, it was still a very relaxed day. My mom insisted no one needed to dress up because we wouldn’t be entertaining any guests, so we stayed in joggers and sweats all day, and even though we started our day off with the biggest breakfast burritos in town, we still tore into the turkey dinner when it was ready.

  When we were all finished eating, my mom and dad abandoned us to go see a movie Hunter and I had already seen, so we volunteered to stay and clean up the mess. I stared out of the kitchen window as I dried dishes, lost in thoughts about how fast the year seemed to be going. Hunter was busy wiping down the counter and tables, but he startled me when he put his hand on my shoulder.

  “You okay?” he asked.

  “I’m fine, just tired.” I said as I put away the last of the dishes. My phone chimed with a picture from Tru. It was french fries in the shape of a turkey and he used ketchup and mustard to draw the feathers. I smiled and put my phone back down. “I think I’m gonna call it a night,” I said as I stretched. Hunter stood in front of me with his hands in his pockets. He was studying my face and making me nervous, but before I could ask him what he was staring at he turned around and started walking out of the room.

  “Goodnight, Fen,” he said, leaving me puzzled.

  ***

  Going back to school on Monday was brutal. I had enjoyed the time off too much, and even though we only had a few short weeks before the winter break, those weeks had historically felt like months every year. I stopped, dramatically, before the double doors of the entrance and sighed. Then I turned to Hunter who looked about as thrilled to go in as I was.

  “Remember what we talked about on Thanksgiving. Take that leverage right out from under her,” I said, reminding him that he could still have control over how things played out. He nodded and smiled at me.

  “Shall we?” he asked, waving for me to go first.

  A few days later, and much to my surprise, he took my advice. He started by telling my parents, who in turn, asked him all of the things parents would. Was it just the one time? Did anyone get hurt? Was he thinking of hurting himself? He answered all, with his knee shaking nervously, as honestly as he could. Some of the answers made my heart ache for him and I could see the pain on my mom’s face as he talked to her. My parents both agreed that he should tell him mom in a safe place and let her decide what to say to his dad. My parents also encouraged him to speak to a school counselor and he did just that a few days later. When he came out of that meeting I was there to greet him.

  “Well?” I asked.

  “Well, I’m taking all the right steps. She didn’t say much about posting the video, but I won’t face any repercussions because I have made everyone aware. I do, however, need to go to Peer to Peer.” He shoved his hands in his pockets and rocked on his heels.

  “Peer to Peer, huh?” This was our school’s idea of group therapy for anyone they thought needed it. It was often assigned after any sort of disciplinary incident.

  “Yep. She’s letting me off easy because I’m voluntarily leaving baseball. Little does she know I’m glad to be done with it.” I grinned at his blatant satisfaction.

  “What about the video?” I asked as we slowly made our way to our next class.

  “I think I have a plan. See you after school?” I nodded yes and wondered what he would do as I walked into class. Just before I sat down my phone buzzed. I looked around and our teacher wasn’t in the room yet, so I felt safe enough to check my message. It was another picture from Tru’s adventures. I tried to wrap my head around what I was seeing. On my screen was a picture of golden french fries covered in strawberries and whi
pped cream. I shook my head “no” as I looked at the picture.

  “I know what you’re thinking, but strangely enough, these are actually delicious. One point for Amsterdam,” his text said.

  “I’ll take your word for it,” I sent back. Then added, “Yuck,” to emphasize my displeasure. There was nothing from him after that, but hearing from him still gave me the faintest butterflies, especially when I thought of him being so far away and thinking of me. I promised myself that I wouldn’t overthink every message and interaction with Tru. I would just enjoy it for what it was in the moment, and I had plenty going on at home to keep me distracted.

  As I walked out of my last class for the day I noticed that it seemed a little too quiet. I looked around and noticed several small groups in various corners of the hallway and they were all looking at someone’s phone screen. I shrugged my shoulders and kept walking, but I was pulled aside by the sleeve by a frazzled Monique.

  “Did you see it?” she whispered.

  “See what?” Before she could answer I saw Jessica storm down the hall as she let out a frustrated half scream from her gritted teeth. My eyes widened as I realized what everyone must have been looking at. “Monique, show me,” I said impatiently as I motioned for her to hurry up.

  “Hunter is ridiculously brave. He posted it today,” she said as I watched my oldest friend on the small screen in my hand. He was already drunk and fumbling with the top of a pill bottle. Once it opened, the pills flew around him, but he managed to get a couple in his hand and popped them in his mouth like candy. His laughter was slurred and his eyes were half closed as he attempted to talk to the person on the other side of the camera.

  “Turn it off,” I said, looking away from the screen. I had seen Hunter in many ways over the years, but I had never seen him like this and I never wanted to again. Monique put her phone back in her pocket and sighed.

  “He said in the post that we are all most vulnerable when we don’t ask for help.” I squeezed my eyes shut as I chastised myself for not seeing how much my closest friend needed someone to talk to. He had been right under my nose and I never knew.

  “He never did,” I whispered. “Not once.”

  34.

  I walked out to the car and Hunter was already inside waiting for me with the engine running. We rode home in silence, but I could feel the tension of words we both wanted to say, but wouldn’t. Once we got home neither of us got out of the car. We both sat there in silence, staring out of the windshield. Hunter was finally the one who broke the silence when he heard me crying next to him. The intensity on his face instantly softened and his brow furrowed with concern.

  “Hey,” he whispered. “What’s wrong?” I took a shuddering deep breath and wiped my eyes with my sleeve.

  “I could have been there for you. I swear, if I knew it had been that bad I would have helped. I feel like such a bad friend. I’m so sorry.”

  “Fen, no,” he whispered. “You have been the best friend. Coming to your house back then and just doing normal things was what kept...has kept me going. Besides, like I would ever burden you with all that shit.” I looked at him and we locked eyes.

  “You’d never be a burden. You know that, right?” I needed him to understand that more than anything. He squeezed his eyes for a second then looked at me again.

  “Honestly, Fen? I never wanted you to see me like that. Vulnerable and pathetic? I didn’t care about what Jessica thought, but I have always wanted to be a better person when I’m around you. For you to see me at rock bottom...god...” he didn’t finish what he was saying, instead casting his eyes down and shaking his head.

  “Why?” I asked in a whisper. It was one word, but it asked a million questions in that moment. He looked back up at me and the look he wore made me ache. I waited for an answer as we held each other’s gaze and I could feel another salty tear run down my cheek. He sucked in a breath and for a moment it looked like he was fighting some inner struggle, but my own breath caught when he reached up with one hand and held my face as his thumb wiped away my tear. I was frozen. Frozen by his touch and by the look on his face. Frozen until he leaned in and pressed his lips against mine with a kiss that melted me to my core. I was consumed the moment his lips touched mine and everything else disappeared around me. I put my trembling hands on his face and pulled him closer, letting a small whimper escape against my lips. My fingers curled into the hair on the back of his head as our lips clumsily explored each other’s, but then he pulled away just a fraction. Just enough to look me in the eyes as our hearts raced with ragged and unsteady breaths. I couldn’t stop shaking as he looked at me. He caressed my face again and I put my hand on top of his.

  “This is why,” he whispered and before I could respond his lips were back on mine, gently kissing me as his thumb played at my jaw. “Don’t say anything,” he said as he rested his forehead against mine. “I don’t have any expectations. Your friendship means more to me than anything, and that will always come first.” He licked his lips and a smile spread across them. “All things considered, I think it would be best for me to move back into my parent’s house,” he said.

  “But,” was all I got out before he put a finger to my lips to stop me from arguing. He sighed and sat back in his seat. I didn’t trust my own voice to try and say anything, so I just watched as he got out and walked into my house.

  When I finally convinced my legs to move I rushed inside and headed straight to my bedroom. The only thing I could do was pace nervously. At the end of my junior year that kiss would have been my dream come true. Now I didn’t know how I should feel about it, but the fresh memory made my knees a little weak and gave me butterflies. Hunter really was my best friend and anything ruining that was something I felt sick even thinking about.

  That night at dinner I was awkwardly silent and Hunter was awkwardly chatty. My dad was still at work and my mom had ordered Chinese. As she dished it up she looked between us and eyed us suspiciously. There was a thick wall of tension between us and I couldn’t even bring myself to look at him.

  “So, did you decide what you want to do for your birthday?” she asked. I opened my mouth to answer, but Hunter beat me to it.

  “We’re going with a little group to see a classic Christmas movie,” he said, then took a bite of his egg roll. I looked at him with a silent question on my face. I didn’t know why I assumed our plans would change after what happened.

  “Oh, how nice. What about some cake and dinner before? Not a party. I know you hate parties. Just whoever is going to the movie.” My mom stared at me as she waited for my answer, but my head was somewhere else completely. “Fenley?”

  “Oh, yeah. That sounds great mom.”

  “Maybe I’ll get your favorite tacos.” I smiled and nodded in approval and when I cast my eyes slightly to my side I saw Hunter watching me. “Okay, what’s going on? Something happened and I can see it on both of your faces,” she said as she put her napkin down and crossed her arms.

  “No, mom...nothing happened!” I exclaimed nervously, then I felt Hunter’s calm hand on press against my knee to signal me to stop talking.

  “Something did happen,” he said. “She’s covering for me. I really don’t want to talk about it, but I released the video today. Everyone knows now.” I watched my mom’s eyebrows raise in curiosity. “That’s not all.” He looked at me then back at my mom and my heart started racing in fear he would tell her. “I appreciate the fact that you have always welcomed me into your home and it really has always felt like home to me, but I think I need to go back to my parents and at least try to work things out. I talked to my mom and she said my dad is willing to listen.” My mom’s face instantly softened and she reached across and took his hand.

  “Oh, sweetie! I’m so glad. And you know if, and Im not saying it will, but if it doesn’t go well, you have a place here.” She let out a sigh of relief and relaxed back in her chair. “Thank goodness that’s all it is. I thought you guys had a fight.” Hunter and I looked
at each other and he grinned at me, letting me know our secret was safe.

  I went straight to bed, feeling like there was so much I needed to say to him, but I was also completely tongue tied. Every time I closed my eyes I saw his face just before he kissed me and I could still feel the butterflies his kiss gave me, just as if it were happening all over again. I didn’t get any rest and I finally gave up on sleep once the sun started to come up, so I got out of bed and went to knock on his bedroom door. What I found surprised me. The door was cracked open and he wasn’t there. The bed was made and he and his things were already gone. The sight of his empty room made me feel lonely in the pit of my stomach. I shut the door and went about my morning, getting ready for school and grabbing some food before heading out.

  I sat in my car in the school parking lot longer than I had planned. I had so many worst case scenarios playing out in my head and I didn’t want to go in and find out if any of them were true, but the early warning bell sounded and I had no choice. Monique was waiting for me in front of our French class and as she greeted me I saw Hunter across the hall talking to some friends. He glanced in my direction and smiled when he saw me and I tried to contain the flutters I was feeling.

  “Are you okay? You look a little flushed,” Monique said.

  “I’m fine. Just... too much caffeine in my tea this morning.”

  “I’m excited for your birthday. Hunter said we should get to your place early for tacos and cake.”

  “Oh, you talked to him?” I envied how he could have such normal interactions. I felt like I might not have one again.

  “Yeah, this morning. He seems to be doing well after everything that happened. I swear, no one could stop talking about it yesterday.” It took me a minute to remember what she was talking about. So much had happened in such a short amount of time and the video incident felt like weeks ago.

  “He’s pretty resilient,” I said as our teacher walked into the room, ending our conversation.