Fugly: Book One of the Fenley East Series

by Talie D. Hawkins

  Hunter didn’t join us at lunch like he normally did. I told myself it had nothing to do with our kiss, but in the back of my mind I was starting to spiral a little. I didn’t see him for the rest of the day, but I found him standing by his car after school. I thought about how I was feeling and I wondered if he felt just as confused.

  “I was giving you a little breathing room. You seemed like you needed it,” he said, answering my question before I could even ask it.

  “I don’t know what I need,” I admitted. “Why didn’t you tell me you were leaving last night?”

  “I thought I made it clear at dinner.”

  “I guess I thought you meant in the near future, not immediate.” Every word I spoke made me nervous.

  “I’m sorry,” he said as he leaned against his car door.

  “Should we talk about it? About what happened?” I asked, balling my fists at my side.

  “If you want to.”

  “Don’t you want to?”

  “I’m not really sure what I should say. I mean, I’m not sorry it happened. Are you?”

  “No,” I said, shaking my head. That was the last thing I wanted him to think.

  “Say what you need to say, Fen. I can take it. I made you a promise and I meant it. Nothing will change, no matter what you choose,” he said defensively.

  “What I choose?” I asked. I didn’t know I had been given choices.

  “To be with me or not.” He studied my confused expression, then took my hands in his and held them against his chest. I could feel myself blushing as he did. “Wait, you understand that I pretty much have declared my feelings for you, right? That kiss wasn’t a random one time thing, unless you decide it’s a one time thing.”

  “Your feelings,” I repeated, mostly to myself. This was too surreal for me to process. “Is this what you want?” I asked, feeling like I had heard him wrong. I had expected him to say it was a mistake, or tell me it didn’t mean anything. This declaration was completely unexpected. “You’re right.”

  “About?” He looked down at me as he waited for an answer.

  “I do think I need to process.”

  “I know.” He kissed the tops of my hands then got in his car. “See you tomorrow,” he said from his window as he drove off. I looked down at my hands and they were shaking.

  He made good on his promise to give me some headspace while I processed what has transpired between us. He didn’t disappear, but he seemed so normal around me that I wondered if I had imagined everything. He hadn’t been over to my house since the night he left and I hoped it was just because he was working on things with his parents and not because he was having seconds thoughts about what he said to me.

  “How is stuff going at home?” I asked as we walked to our cars. My birthday was the next day and I was a little nervous about spending time with him socially.

  “Surprisingly good. My dad isn’t happy, but I think he has accepted things. He’s not hostile or anything. Peer to peer has actually been good because they help me deal with him.”

  “Wow. I’m glad things are looking up.”

  “What time should I be over tomorrow?”

  “Oh, around six. My mom is grabbing food around then,” I said, hiding the relief in my voice. I had half expected him to cancel, but I was glad he didn’t.

  “Cool. See you then.”

  Monique and Amber came over first and insisted I go change into whatever was in a little bag they handed me. I opened the bag in my bathroom and pulled out a pastel pink t-shirt that said “sixteen was so last year”. I laughed as I read the quote then pulled the shirt over my head. I was only turning seventeen when everyone else was turning eighteen. The result of starting school a year early.

  When I came out I dramatically modeled the shirt then noticed Hunter had arrived and was sitting in the corner of my room.

  “Too bad it’ll be hidden under my coat,” I said.

  “Oh, we have something for that,” Monique said, handing me a paper tiara with the words “birthday girl” on the top of it. I grinned and piled my hair into a bun before placing the tiara on top of my head. “There, you look perfect.”

  “I’m impressed you could get her to wear that,” Hunter said from his corner. “Maybe seventeen is the year of change,” he said as he raised an eyebrow. I had a mental flash of everything that had changed already and it made me feel a little light headed.

  “I think I hear my mom’s car. Maybe we can help her bring the food in.” They followed me out of the room as I did my best to push down the nagging feeling that was trying to come to the surface. Everything really was different now and I wasn’t sure it could ever go back to how it was, no matter how much Hunter promised.

  We stuffed ourselves with tacos, chips, and salsa, then I endured everyone singing happy birthday to me before we left for the movie. Miracle on 34th Street was one of my favorites and I knew almost every line. When we got to the theater we had an awkward moment of who should sit next to who, but I finally went fist and Hunter followed.

  It was impossible to pay attention. Hunter put his hand on the arm rest between us and I almost jumped out of my seat when it brushed against me. He turned in my direction and grinned, but that did little to calm me. I glanced over at his broad shoulders and thought about what it would feel like to lean my head against him. He tilted his box of candy at me to offer me some and I shook my head “no” a little too quickly. I could see the corner of his mouth turn up into a grin and he didn’t try to hide how amused he was with my nervousness.

  I felt like I could breathe again once the movie was over and we were out of the theater and my odd mood was noticed by Monique.

  “Are you okay?” she asked as we walked a little behind Amber and Hunter. “You seem a little jumpy tonight.”

  “I’m fine. I’m just not used to attention on my birthday,” I said, quickly and it seemed like a good enough answer for her.

  “Well, in that case I hope we can celebrate again.”

  Once we got back to my house I said my goodbyes to the girls and thanked them for making my day special, but Hunter stayed back with me. We sat down on the porch swing, and even though there were so many things I wanted to say to him, I was too nervous to say anything at all.

  “Tonight was cool. Why were so you nervous?” he asked point blank. I sighed because I didn’t know how to sum up the answer.

  “I don’t know how to be around you and I wish I knew what you were thinking.” I twisted the hem of my jacked in my hand as I spoke.

  “I understand. It’s no picnic not knowing.” My phone cut him off and we both glanced down to where it was sitting in my lap. Tru’s name popped up in big letters with a picture text. “Happy Birthday” was spelled out in french fries with a balloon and heart drawn in ketchup. I smiled to myself then realized Hunter could see too. I quickly flipped my phone over and he laughed to himself.”It’s okay, Fen. You don’t need to hide that from me. I know Tru is a factor and I know how close you guys are. I would be lying if I said it doesn’t bother me at all, but it doesn’t bother me enough for you to hide it from me.”

  “How can you be so calm?”

  “What choice do I have? I have put everything on the table. I have nothing to hold back. Being a jealous ass won’t help me. I mean, I’m dying to ask, but I respect you enough to give you time.” He stood up and stretched. “I almost forgot, I got you something.” He ran to his car and got a large box out of the trunk then came back and handed it to me. “Happy birthday, Fen.”

  I looked at him and at the box and he nodded at it, giving me a hint to open it, and I did with nervous hands. What I found inside made me smile more than I could remember. It was the drawing of the photo of us from his art show. I stared at the image of us a little kids and I could remember how big we felt even though we were so, so small.

  “This is perfect. Thank you,” I whispered.

  “Get up and hug me,” he said, holding his hand out. I stood and he wrapped his arms a
round me and I did the same as I rested my head on his chest. This wasn’t a normal hug for us. Hugs had never been our normal, but this was comfortable and I didn’t want to pull away, but I knew I had to.

  “I’ll see you at school.”

  I looked up at my ceiling as I tried to sleep then I grabbed my phone when I realized I never responded to Tru. I sent him a thank you and a smiley face and he responded almost immediately.

  “Why are you awake?” he asked in his text.

  “Why are you?”

  “It’s 11:00 am here.”

  “Busted,” I sent.

  “Everything okay, birthday girl?”

  “Yes. Or at least it will be.”

  “Anything you want to talk about?”

  “I’m good,” I lied. “I think I’ll try to sleep now.”

  “Sweet birthday dreams,” was the last text he sent and it made me smile. I was having an inner struggle because Tru was still able to give me butterflies from just a text, but every time I thought of Hunter’s kiss I got the same butterflies. I had always imagined things like this only happened in movies, yet here I was, losing sleep over two boys.

  I yawned and stretched as I walked into the kitchen the next morning and my mom was already digging into a plate of eggs and toast.

  “Hello my seventeen year old. I didn’t hear you come in last night. Something was delivered for you.” I stopped filling the tea kettle and turned around.

  “Delivered?” I repeated.

  “Yep,” she said, pointing with her fork to an elegant black box about that was sitting in the corner of the kitchen. I looked back at her with a question on my face and she just shrugged. I walked over to it and was almost afraid to touch it. I had already gotten a gift from aunt Haley, so I knew it wouldn’t be from her. There was no wrapper or card. Just a lid that I carefully pulled off to find pink tissue paper hiding under. When I pulled the tissue aside I gasped at what I found. It was a record. The same Smiths album I had been listening to when I met Tru, but the writing was different and I recognized it immediately. He had sent the french pressing of the same record. I pulled it out and turned it over in my hands, reading every word on the cover. Under the album was a small, handwritten note in Tru’s tidy script.

  “Hope this gets to you in time. Bon anniversarie!” was all it said. I hugged the album to my chest and grabbed the note as I rushed to my room, leaving the box behind and my mom calling after me. I grabbed my phone and took a picture of myself holding the record, then I sent it to Tru with a text that said “thank you”. I almost dropped my phone when it started ringing with his name across the screen.

  “Hey,” I said in a shy voice.

  “Wow,” he whispered. “It’s been so long since I’ve heard you.”

  “Thank you for my amazing gift. It got delivered while I was out last night.”

  “And what did you do to celebrate?” he asked in a lazy voice. I looked at the clock and realized it was evening where he was.

  “I went to see Miracle on 34th Street.” I heard him laugh a little and I squeezed my eyes and sighed at the sound of him.

  “Of course you did. Play it in good health.”

  “I will.”

  “Take care, Fen. I’ll send you my next french fry adventure.”

  “Looking forward to it. Bye Tru.” I hit the end button and that same feeling I would always get when I missed him started to wash over me, then I looked over and saw the picture Hunter had given me where it was propped up against my wall. I shook my head and laughed to myself when I realized how ridiculous things had become. Suddenly a trip out of town seemed like a great idea to clear my head so I called my aunt and we made a plan for me to visit.

  Later that day, as I was on my run, I asked myself if going to New York was running away and it hit me that I needed an objective opinion so I called Monique and asked if she had time to meet up. I finished my run and cleaned myself up before meeting her at a coffee shop by our school. I was nervous about telling her, but I needed to talk to someone and she had gotten to know us both pretty well. The fact that I even had a friend I could call to talk to was completely new to me, but I was thankful for it.

  “I can tell by your face that something is going on,” she said as she stirred her cappuccino with a little silver spoon. The white cup it was in was almost as big as her face. I took a sip of my tea to buy myself some time.

  “Something happened,” I started with. “Between Hunter and me.” I put my cup down and pulled the sleeves of my oversized sweater over my hands. Her eyes doubled in size and she looked at me.

  “I knew it,” she whispered, but it was almost a yell. “When? How? Did you...” she didn’t finish the last question with words. Just a serious look that demanded answers.

  “We did not do that,” I quickly clarified. “He kissed me.” She didn’t try to hide the fact that she was shocked and once she composed herself she put her hand on the table and looked me in the eye.

  “Go on,” she said, waiting, so I did. I told her everything including my confusion due to my feelings for Tru and my plan to travel. I wanted her to tell me if I was being a coward by leaving town in a few weeks. “I think leaving is a good idea. Hunter was right that you do need some room to breathe. He must know you still have feeling for Tru that you need to sort out. He’s actually being surprisingly mature about all of this. Proof he wasn’t destined to be a dumb jock forever.”

  “You don’t think I’m being a chicken?”

  “Look at it this way. You miss Tru. He’s far away. You haven’t had a chance to miss Hunter. Maybe you’ll miss one more than the other or maybe you won’t miss either,” she said with a shrug. I didn’t know if she was right, but I did agree that some distance would give me some perspective.

  35.

  The rest of the weeks leading up to our holiday break were occupied by studying for finals and I had been so distracted that I found my grade point average to be slipping. I needed to ace my finals if I wanted to end up in a decent school after graduation. Monique and I were video chatting an oral practice test for french class and I started to giggle when I read a text that popped up on my screen.

  “It’s all a lie. The fries in France are horrible. Too horrible to send you a picture of,” it said.

  “Fen, we need to concentrate,” she scolded.

  “I know. Sorry, I just got a message.”

  “Well, swipe it up so we can get back to work.” I did as I was told and we practiced until we were both confident we would ace our exam. I flopped backwards on my bed, but I could still see Monique’s face. “Have you thought at all about what you’ll do with your boy situation?” she asked.

  “Not really. Thankfully I have been too busy getting my grades back up. That comes first.”

  “Right. Having something to focus on must help,” she said as she pulled her hair up into her signature ponytail. I could hear her doorbell ring. “Oh, that’s probably Jeremy. Still on for tomorrow after school?”

  “Yep. Be good.”

  My screen went black and in that moment I envied her. She had one boy who adored her and the feeling was mutual. I, on the other hand, had no idea of how I felt about anything.

  “Honey,” I heard my mom say from the other side of my bedroom door.

  “Come in.”

  “I’m thinking about making chicken parm on Thursday and I know how much Hunter loves it. Maybe invite him over?” What my mom really wanted to say was that she hadn’t seen him since he went back home and she wanted to see how he was doing.

  “Sure. I’ll ask him tomorrow.” The truth was that he and I hadn’t really spoken either. We saw each other every day, but our conversations were brief.

  “Hey,” I said as I caught up to him on his way into school the next morning.

  “Hey, Fen.” He stuffed his hands in his pockets and we both stood at the school steps in awkward silence for a moment.

  “My mom is making your favorite tomorrow. Hopefully you can come over?”r />
  “She wants to grill me, doesn’t she?” he asked with a smirk.

  “Probably,” I said as I held the straps of my backpack. “How are things?” I asked.

  “Oddly calm. I’m not complaining. It’s just weird. I think he’s practicing the old rule of ‘if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all’.”

  “Well, that’s better than a screaming match. She’ll be happy you’re coming over.” I started to walk up the stairs, but was stopped in my tracks by his question.

  “Are you?” I turned around and looked down at him. I didn’t understand why the question hurt me, but it did. I walked back down and looked up at him.

  “How can you even ask that?” I asked, waiting for an explanation. He let out a breath and looked up at the sky for a moment.

  “Did I ruin things between us?” he asked. I shook my head no. He looked down at me and held back whatever he wanted to say. “I better get to class.” I sat down on the steps as he walked away without another word and a few moments later Monique joined me.

  “I just saw Hunter. Did something happen?”

  “I don’t think so. I don’t know. Did he really believe he could pretend like everything was the same between us?”

  “That would be hard. You guys have known each other for so long.”

  “I can’t worry about it now,” I said with a shrug. We heard the warning bell and made our way to class.

  I worried when he didn’t show up for lunch and it wasn’t helping that Monique was trying to rationalize it. I knew she was trying to help, but I still felt like something bad was looming.

  “Maybe he went to the library to study. Everyone is freaking out about finals tomorrow.”

  “Yeah, maybe,” I said with a shrug, but his absence hadn’t gone completely unnoticed.

  “So, he finally came to his senses,” Jessica said as she stared at us from across the courtyard where we were eating.

  “Ignore her.” I said, seeing a look in Monique’s eyes.

  “He’s better off eating alone near the field. He might look like a loser, but it’s better than being seen with you,” she said, answering the mystery of if he was avoiding me. I let out an exhausted sigh and got up. I didn’t give her the time of day. I had spent too much time and energy worrying about her insults but now I just didn’t care.