Love Me

by Cristin Cooper

  “Sorry, Sissy. I love you!”

  “Words. Those are just words.” I pouted then turned to Claire and Jakey, giving them goodbye hugs. I squeezed my adorable nephew until he screamed, “You’re squeezing me to death!” When I let go, he begged me to do it again.

  Walking Anna and the kids to the car, I wished I could leave with them. “Give Nate a hug for me and tell him I missed him.”

  “I will,” she said as she buckled Jakey into his booster seat.

  I waited until I could no longer see their car before going back inside to face my mother alone.

  Thanksgiving had been everything I had expected and so much more. “Why do I let my mother get to me?” I asked myself. I loved my mom, and that might have been the reason why it was so hard for me to be around her.

  Not two minutes after I walked into her house this morning, she said, “I read an article about how difficult it is for women your age to get pregnant.” There was nothing like starting my day off hearing something that I worried about every single day

  I had to keep a steady buzz just to make it through the day.

  When I came back inside, I went to the kitchen to see if my mother needed any help putting dessert away. And to sneak another slice of pumpkin pie. My mom knew me better than I thought because she had a piece set out for me along with the spray can of whipped cream.

  When I lifted my first forkful of pie to my mouth, the inquisition began. “Do you think Anna is ready to date?” I should’ve known this was a trap or an excuse to get details out of me.

  Sighing, I rolled my eyes. “No, but I’m not Anna. Only she knows if she’s ready and if she says she’s not, then I would believe her.”

  “But Ryan has been gone…”

  I dropped my fork and pushed the pie away. “Mom, Ryan wasn’t just her husband. He was her best friend since they were kids. They grew up together, married, had a family. There isn’t a time limit on grief.” Even I had moments where I missed him so much it hurt. None of us could imagine what Anna went through.

  “Mom, I don’t think you or anyone else should put any more pressure on her. She’ll know when she’s ready. Let’s just be happy with the progress she’s making. Look at her, she runs every morning, she’s made new friends, she’s enjoying school. She even laughs sometimes.” My mother’s eyes softened as she nodded her head in agreement.

  “You’re right. I just worry.” I could’ve sworn she was about to cry.

  Giving her a hug, I whispered, “I know you do. We all do.”

  I fell onto the bed in my parents’ spare bedroom, resenting my sister for leaving me here and for the amount of wine I drank, making it impossible to drive home tonight.

  I dug my cell out of my pocket, and speed dialed Tim. Not only did I need to vent, but I had to tell him about the guy Anna, and I had met today.

  He picked up on the second ring and yawned before answering. “Hey honey, how was Thanksgiving?”

  Ignoring his question, I said, “I have so much to tell you.”

  “Okay, go,” he said sounding more awake.

  “First, according to Anna’s daughter, Claire, two guys are into my sister.”

  “Noooo! Are you serious?” I knew that would get his attention. We survived off family gossip. His and mine.

  “Yes! One of them is a younger guy.”

  “Noooo!” I had a feeling this was would be a repeating response.

  “And the other guy is her math professor who hangs out at her house a lot.”

  “No way! Is she dating both of them?”

  “She says no, but she’s been acting weird. I kind of thought something might be up, but you know her. She keeps everything to herself.”

  “Wow. So is this a good thing?”

  “I don’t know yet, but I’ll keep you posted.”

  “Okay, so what is the second thing?”

  I groaned. “My mother knows.”

  “Umm, I’m going to make a wild guess and say she knows about Kevin.”

  “Yes and no. She knows I’m seeing someone, but she doesn’t know who.”

  “So does this mean you’re going to introduce them?”

  “Of course not. It’s still early in the relationship. I don’t want to jinx it.”

  “Kimmie…” He said my name in a stern voice. He didn’t believe my excuse. Neither did I.

  “He said he loved you. That’s pretty serious to me.”

  “I’m well aware,” I huffed. In fact, he had said it multiple times.

  “Has he said anything about meeting them?”

  “No. I don’t talk about my family much. He overhears me talking to Mom and Anna sometimes and he knows the bare minimum. Like I have parents, a sister, nephews, and niece, but I don’t think he even knows their names.”

  “From what I know about him, he’s really into family. You may have to rip that band-aid off sooner than later.” Silence hung between us before he sighed. “He’s a good guy, Kimmie. I see him sticking around.” I did too, but any time I thought about him meeting my family, I got a sick feeling in my stomach.

  “I know,” I said in defeat. “I will. Just not yet.”

  “Mmhmm. Okay,” he said sarcastically. “So, you won’t introduce them, but you told your mom about him because…?”

  “I didn’t tell her. But after dinner my mother told us that she had invited her single male neighbor over to have dessert, I figured she invited him over for me.”

  “Of course. This is your mother we’re talking about.” Not only had he been forced to hear me rant about her, but he had also been witness to it a few times.

  “Right? But he wasn’t for me. He was for Anna!”

  “No!”

  “Yes! But this is where it gets freaky. She said she had invited this guy over for Anna because she knew I was dating someone.”

  “How did she find out?”

  “I. Don’t. Know. But that’s not all.”

  “Go on.”

  “So this guy walks in. He’s gorgeous. Blond hair, blue-eyed, fit body. I think around our age, maybe a little younger and my gay radar goes off.”

  “Oh reeeeally?” I hoped that would catch his interest.

  “Mom thought he was straight because he has seven-year-old twins, Scott, and Sadie with a partner who had died a few years ago. She assumed he meant a woman partner.”

  “So you know for a fact this guy is gay?”

  “Yes. He confirmed it and everything. Anna was so embarrassed and apologized to him for our mom. He was totally cool and took it all in stride.”

  “He sounds like a good guy.”

  “He is, and well... you’re going to meet him because we’re going on a double date.” I raised my voice until my words came out as a squeal.

  “Kimmie,” he cautioned.

  “From the few hours I spent with him, I know he’s a nice guy, he talked about his kids nonstop, he’s employed and owns his home. I think you’re going to like him.”

  “As much as I hate blind dates, I’m going to trust you on this.”

  “You won’t regret it. I swear.”

  “Famous last words.”

  After giving another complete physical description of Matt, Tim finally let me go so I could call Kevin. I hadn’t seen or talked to him since I left his apartment that morning and I needed to hear his voice.

  “Hey you.” He answered with a tired gravelly voice. Just the way I liked it. I pictured him lying in bed with a book on his bare chest and wearing his reading glasses. I could have kicked myself for drinking so much.

  “I miss you,” I sighed. I wasn’t in the mood to talk any more about Thanksgiving or family or anything else for that matter. I just wanted him.

  “Me too. I wish you were here.”

  “Me too.” I sighed again.

  “Why aren’t you?”

  “I drank too much.” He went quiet, and I could feel his disappointment in the silence. “I’m sorry. I drank more than I thought.”

  “It’s n
ot the drinking. I miss you. I’ve gotten used to you sleeping next to me. This is the first night in a month that we’ll be sleeping apart, and I don’t like it.”

  “Me neither, but can I come over in the morning?”

  “You never have to ask.”

  I sighed again.

  21

  With wide eyes, Matt commented, “Wow. That is some Christmas tree.”

  Tim stood beside him laughing, placing a hand on his lower back and handing him a glass of wine. “Kimmie, you have to tell him the story about you, Kevin and the Christmas tree farm.”

  “Not again,” Kevin grumbled. “In my defense, the tree looked smaller outside.” Everyone laughed, even Kevin, as we stared at the giant tree that took up half my living room.

  Kevin offered me wine and kissed my cheek. “But it’s my best Kevin story. I have to tell it.”

  “Fine,” he relented.

  I smiled, happy he gave in so easily.

  Kevin and I cuddled on the loveseat while Tim and Matt sat on one end of the couch with Matt’s arm over the back of Tim’s shoulders. I wanted to pat myself on the back for setting them up. They had hit it off from the moment I introduced them.

  During dinner, I noticed the small touches and the way they seemed to gravitate closer to each other. Throughout the evening I texted Anna a play by play…or at least I did until Tim caught me and stole my phone. I couldn’t help it. I was giddy with matchmaking power and had to tell someone.

  “Kevin came up with the bright idea that we should cut down our own tree instead of just picking one from the lot.”

  He groaned and ran a hand down his face. “I’m never going to live this down.”

  “No. No, you’re not,” Tim chided.

  “I thought it would be fun.” I raised my brows in question. “It was a good idea,” he said with a little less bravado.

  “So we drive out to this ‘cut your own tree’ farm. The drive was beautiful, but it’s drizzly outside because…winter in Portland. We get out of the car, and I haven’t taken two steps before my feet sink into the ground.”

  Kevin shook his head. “I said I was sorry.”

  “Of course, I’m wearing my new boots.”

  “That might be the most tragic part of this story,” Tim admitted.

  “Anyway, I swear we’re out there for hours.”

  “It was twenty minutes, Kimberly. Stop exaggerating,” Kevin clarified.

  “Well, it felt like hours. So, I’m freezing, and it’s getting dark. I start picturing wild animals coming out to eat us. And so far I had picked out five trees but he vetoed all of them because they looked too small.” I snickered. Tim and Matt chuckled under their breaths while Kevin’s face reddened with embarrassment.

  “Just as I begin to imagine being eaten by a pack of wolves, he finally finds the perfect tree. I stare at it, and I’m like ‘Isn’t that kind of big?’”

  By this time in the story, Kevin laughed along with us.

  “And he’s like, ‘Babe, the tree will fit perfectly in your living room,’” I said mimicking Kevin’s voice.

  We all looked over at the tree and began laughing again.

  “Kevin and I had managed to get the tree through the front door after he took off half a foot from the bottom. It wasn’t until we had to move the couch and love seat against the wall and removed my coffee table and large stuffed chair that he admitted that the tree might’ve been too big.”

  “Hey, it makes a statement, and it is beautiful. You said so yourself,” Kevin defended while laughing at himself.

  “I agree, this tree does make a statement,” Matt said holding a straight face.

  I leaned into Kevin and planted kisses all over his face. “You know I tease you because I love you.”

  When he stilled next to me and the room silenced, I realized what I said.

  He turned to face me and looked me in the eyes. “What?” he said with a rough edge to his voice.

  I swallowed the lump in my throat. “What?” I said breathily.

  He cradled my face in his hands. “What did you say?”

  “I…”

  “You said you love me.”

  “I think that’s our cue to leave,” Tim announced. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him and Matt hold hands as they made a quick escape through the front door.

  Kevin waited for me to speak but the words got stuck in my throat. “You don’t have to say it again. I know you do. I just liked hearing it,” he said so softly, I felt like melting into his arms.

  He knew how to handle me when I was obviously being stubborn. That was reason enough to tell him again. He deserved to hear me say I loved him every single day. I kissed him softly. “I do love you.”

  “You do?” His insecurity surprised me. I never thought of him as anything but confident. I didn’t realize how much I needed to see him vulnerable with me. He had always made it easy for me to open up to him and I wanted to do the same for him.

  “Yes. A lot.” I smiled against his lips. “I love you so much it hurts when I’m not with you. I love you so much I can’t imagine my life without you. I love you so much I’m giving you the power to break my heart.”

  He placed his hand on over my heart and whispered, “I couldn’t, not when you hold mine.”

  22

  “Oh God. Someone stop the pain.” I groaned into the pillow. I didn’t move, but I would have sworn my stomach did.

  I opened my eyes at the sound of someone opening a door. Looking around I realized I had slept at Kevin’s, but I couldn’t remember coming here. It hadn’t been the first time I had woken up with a hangover here, but the first time not remembering how I got here.

  “You’re awake,” he whispered, but even that was too loud. I clamped my hands over my ears to reduce the noise level, but the movement made my stomach roll.

  I watched him as he sat at the end of the bed with a glass of water in one hand and a bottle of pain reliever in the other. The look on his face…I didn’t know if there were words to describe it. He had never looked at me like that.

  By my hangover, I might have expected anger, annoyance or frustration, but none of those fit. He looked…worried, but more than that.

  “Barely,” I croaked. If I didn’t know better, I would’ve sworn someone had used a rake on the inside of my throat. When Kevin cringed, I figured I sounded as bad as I felt.

  “Here.” He placed the water and aspirin on the bedside table then lifted up the blanket. “I need you to sit up.” I swung my legs over the edge of the bed and took his hand as he pulled me into a sitting position.

  My skin goose bumped and I did a whole body shiver. I looked down and realized I only wore panties.

  Where were my clothes? I squinted as if it would help me remember last night, but my memory was hazy. I took the offered pain reliever and downed the glass of water wishing I had another to help with my dry throat. When I shivered, Kevin wrapped the comforter around my shoulders, but he still hadn’t spoken again.

  I racked my brain trying to remember something, but all I could recall was getting ready for Kevin’s work Christmas party. But by Kevin’s unusual behavior I grew worried that I had done something that we wouldn’t be able to recover from.

  I looked over at him as he sat with his elbows braced on his knees and his eyes focused on the floor. This wasn’t good.

  “Um. Do I have any clothes here?” As often as I had stayed the night, I figured I must have had something I could wear.

  Still not speaking, Kevin opened the top drawer of his dresser and pulled out a bra, panties, shorts and a T-shirt.

  I had my own drawer, and I didn’t even know it.

  “I’ll get the shower started.” He left me alone staring at the pile of clothes on the bed and feeling awful and not just the hung over kind of terrible.

  What did I do?

  I dropped the blanket on the floor and followed him into the bathroom. Last night’s dress sat soaking in the bathroom sink. Kevin must have notice
d what I looked at and said, “You threw up on it last night. It didn’t say it had to be dried cleaned, so I tried to clean it myself, but I think it might be a lost cause.”

  I looked at him, and he still looked at the dress as if he remembered what happened and then I remembered. “I threw up in your car.”

  “Actually, outside of it. Your dress was the only casualty.”

  “I’m so sorry.” He shook his head but didn’t say anything else. I wished he would’ve said something even if it were to chew me out.

  Kevin leaned against the wall with his feet crossed in front of him next to the shower. His silence made me crazy, but the shower felt good. With every passing minute, I began to remember parts of last night. Halfway through washing my hair, I remembered the rest of it. What I had done, to whom, and the look on Kevin’s face when I did it.

  I sucked in a breath and covered my mouth with my hand as I stared wide-eyed at Kevin. “No,” I mouthed.

  “You’re remembering?”

  I nodded my head unable to speak. How could he be so calm when I…

  “Please tell me I didn’t…”

  “You did.” His voice was stiff, and he kept his eyes on the floor.

  “Kevin, I’m so sorry.”

  “I know.” He raised his eyes to meet mine. “You said so last night.” His jaw clenched with anger. “Why would you think I’d ever cheat on you?” He had never raised his voice to me before.

  “I don’t know. I saw you talking to her, and it made me think of Craig.”

  Closing my eyes, the scene played over and over in my head.

  We were having a lovely evening. The alcohol flowed. He told me I looked beautiful, and he couldn’t wait to get me home. Then he excused himself to use the restroom, and when he didn’t return right away, I went to the lobby to search for him. When I didn’t see him near the restrooms, I looked through the glass front door and saw him standing outside next to her in front of a car. Images of her flirting with him all evening went through my mind. She was the cute, young receptionist that everyone liked. So did I until last night.

  Looking at the evening with sober eyes, I realized they were innocent victims of my drunken paranoia. The hood of her car was up, she wore her jacket and held her keys in her hand while he fidgeted with something on her car. But all I saw was the man I loved alone with a pretty girl. I knew something had to be going on between them.