Pretense

by Lori Wick

"What?"

  "I'm never alone these days. I'm at the office or here with the girls. Sometimes I just want to go someplace and stop. Isn't that selfish of me?"

  "Not at all. It just means you're human."

  "I never realized how much time I had to myself before Paul died. I would never have said I was a person who needed

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  solitude, but that was before I didn't have any. Oh, listen to me, Jack. All I do is complain when I have so much to be thankful for."

  "That's true, Marrell, you do have a lot to be thankful for. But you're also still trying to adjust to being mother, father, and breadwinner. It's a lot of work."

  "I'm finding that out. Everyone says the first year is the hardest, but I'm starting to doubt that, Jack. I was in shock the first year. Now this year I'm starting to see theforevernessof the situation."

  "Did I ever tell you that my mother was widowed when I was still young?"

  "No, you didn't."

  "She was. And that's exactly what she said to me: The second year was worse."

  "How old were you?"

  "When she said that, or when my father died?"

  "Both."

  "I was 13 when my father died, and she told me about the second year when I was an adult."

  "Is she still living, Jack?"

  "No. She's been gone about ten years."

  They had so much more in common than she would have guessed, but then Marrell had always been sensitive not to intrude into his life or bring her problems to the office. She had cried the day she was interviewed and determined never to cry at the office again. She didn't think the front seat of her car in the parking garage was the office.

  "Mom!" Mackenzie's voice could be heard from the other room.

  "Just a minute, Jack." Marrell got the words out just before Mackenzie opened the door.

  "What's for dinner?"

  "Oh, I don't know yet. Probably eggs. I'll be out in a minute."

  "Can I cook something?" Delancey looked over Mackenzie's shoulder and asked.

  "Be my guest," Marrell said and waved them away. "Sorry about that."

  "It's all right. I should let you go."

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  "Yeah, I guess I'd better make sure they don't burn down the apartment."

  Silence fell between them for a moment.

  "You know, Jack, you've always been the easiest person to talk to."

  "Have I?"

  "Yes. Whom do you talk to?"

  "Oh, I don't know. Sometimes Oliver."

  Marrell sighed. "Men don't need to talk as much."

  "We do, but we're just not good at it. I'll see you tomorrow, all right?"

  "Okay. Thanks for calling, Jack."

  "My pleasure. 'Bye now."

  "Goodbye."

  Marrell hung up but didn't immediately leave the room. Never had she felt so confused and inept. She was still talking to him like he was a friend, but he wanted more. But he still was a friend; indeed, his tone gave nothing away. It was as if they had never had the conversation. So what did she do? Was it his place to set up a meeting or hers? And would that time of talking be considered a date? As though Oliver were in the room, Marrell heard him reminding her that she was not to do God's job. Marrell got off the bed to check on the girls.

  "I need a favor without a bunch of questions," Delancey said to Mackenzie as soon as they got to school the next day.

  "What is it?"

  "At lunch today I just need you to mention my being in karate. If a lot of the girls are there, then don't, but if you can bring it up in, you know, a subtle way, then do."

  "I take it you want Jace to know?"

  "Yes. Here he comes. Just do it, okay?"

  Mackenzie nodded, smiled at Jace as he passed her to get to Delancey, and then headed into school.

  "What are you smiling about, Mackenzie?" Rosa asked.

  Mackenzie laughed. "Why, first period science, my favorite hour of the day."

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  Rosa laughed and let it go, which was just what Mackenzie wanted. She would never tell anyone she had just discovered that Delancey was smarter than anyone else in her class.

  It didn't look as if Jace was going to join them. Delancey and Mackenzie were through eating and getting ready to head on their way when he sauntered in and sat down. The look he gave Delancey was nothing short of territorial. Seeing it, Mackenzie didn't care who was around; she was determined to mention the karate.

  "How are you?" Jace asked Delancey in that soft way of his.

  "Fine," Delancey told him, thinking he really was the best- looking guy in school. "I wondered where you were."

  "Oh, something I had to do." His voice was a bit too casual for Delancey's taste.

  "Hey, D.J.," Mackenzie said from across the table.

  "What?" Delancey looked across to find her sister's eyes across the table.

  "Isn't that Adam over there? Wasn't he in your karate class?"

  "I can't see his face from here." Delancey went along very well.

  "Karate?" Jace said but was ignored.

  "Oh, he just turned-no, I guess it isn't Adam." With this act, Mackenzie could have been on the stage.

  "No, I don't think it is," Delancey agreed and made ready to leave the table. "I'd better get going. The bell's about to ring. 'Bye, Mic."

  "'Bye,. See ya at the bus."

  Delancey rose, well aware of what she was doing. Jace came right after her, but she made a point not to let her hand be free. She tossed her milk carton out, left the lunchroom, and moved toward her locker, leaving it up to Jace to keep up. They were silent all the way to her locker, but Jace regrouped as he went, and, hoping to get Delancey's attention again, he leaned against the locker next to hers in what he thought was an eye-catching stance.

  "Mackenzie's some joker, Delancey."

  "How's that?"

  "Some kid in your karate class. Come on."

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  "What makes you think I've never taken karate?"

  He laughed a small, mocking laugh. "Because you're a nice girl, Delancey. Anyone can see that."

  "And nice girls don't do karate, is that it?"

  "I don't know," he replied, his voice turning testy. He was feeling foolish now and didn't like it. After all, Delancey Bishop was only a freshman. "You haven't, so I don't know why we're talking about it."

  Delancey gathered her books, closed her locker, and said she had to get to class.

  "I'll walk you."

  "Okay." Delancey agreed but kept her arms wrapped around her books. She did not want him touching her right now.

  "Are you mad at me?" he asked when she was so quiet. She was never a chatterbox, but this was different.

  "No, but I was thinking about how little we know each other."

  They were almost to her class, and the halls were getting crowded, so he stopped her with a hand to her arm and directed her to the side of the hallway. The moment her back was against the wall, he put his hand on the wall above her head, leaned close, and said, "I would like to get to know you better, Delancey."

  "Like in the backseat of your car?"

  She surprised him, but he hid it. "I wouldn't mind."

  "Well, I would," she said very softly, and for an instant she saw anger in his eyes and knew this had been his intent all along. He knew a lot of people in this school. She would probably never get a date with anyone, but right now she didn't care. "And for the record, Jace, I'm a black belt. Don't ever make me prove it to you."

  "Delancey-" He sounded almost hurt, but the tall blond would not let him go on.

  "I've got to get to class."

  She slipped away and into her English class door just moments before the tardy bell rang. It was a tremendous relief to sit in the back. She had a better chance of hiding her tears.

  "What's wrong with D.J.?" Marrell asked that night. "She been this quiet in a long time."

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  "Have you asked her?" Mackenzie's look was instantly guarded.

&n
bsp; "No. She just went in to take a bath. Is it something or someone at school?"

  "Yeah."

  "Which is it?"

  "Mom, that's not fair," Mackenzie wasted no time in telling her. "She might not want to talk about it."

  This was all too true, but Marrell wanted to know. It was so hard being a parent at times. When did you respect your child's privacy, and when did you push the point so you could help?

  "All right. I'll ask her when she comes out, but I might be back to see you."

  Marrell was not joking, and Mackenzie knew it. Delancey had been doing very well lately-both girls were-but the younger Bishop girl had wanted three bowls of ice cream and solitude. The signs were classic Delancey.

  "D.J.?" Marrell spoke through the bathroom door.

  "Yeah."

  "I want to talk to you when you come out."

  "All right."

  "Come find me in the living room."

  "Am I in trouble?"

  "No, not at all, just come."

  Marrell had quite a while to wait. She made out a grocery list, filed her nails, and tried not to think about another Friday night at home. Her daughters had stopped asking her if they could go out; she always said no. They were amazing girls, and it had to be the Lord. They didn't argue with her, tell her lies, or sneak around behind her back. They liked music that she couldn't understand, but when she asked them to turn it down, they did so. Right now she felt they deserved better than Marrell Bishop for a mother.

  I'm so down lately, Lord. I'm not thankful and I'm not content. How can I ask my daughters to do the things I'm not willing to do? How will they ever see their need for You if I don't live a life of joy? It was so hard to be near jack today and not be able to talk to him. I don't know when I thought we would talk, but having things unsettled was miserable today. And then I come home and D.J. is upset. She hasn't been lately, so this makes me

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  think something is very wrong. I feel like all I do is work and sleep. When am I supposed to be a mom?

  Marrell was nowhere near done praying when Delancey came in. She sat across from her, and Marrell wondered at a mother's love. There was no way to describe what she felt for this child.

  "I'm going to ask you how you're doing and what's wrong, D.J., and you're going to want to say nothing, but I want to know-so prepare yourself."

  Delancey's hand went to the back of her wet hair, and for a moment she didn't look at her mother. Marrell was not to be put off. She was opening her mouth to get some answers when Delancey spoke up.

  "I did something today that I'm ashamed of."

  "Okay." Marrell's face was open even though her heart pounded in alarm.

  "There's this guy, Mom." Her voice was so soft. "He likes me . . . well, he did until today." Tears filled Delancey's eyes. "Dad told me he would tan me if I ever used my karate to hurt or even threaten someone."

  Marrell's heart felt as though it would pound out of her chest. Had Delancey struck someone?

  "You can tell me, D.J.," Marrell managed.

  "Oh, Mom, it's such a mess. Mackenzie said he only wanted one thing from a girl, and I started to believe her, so I tested him. I know I hurt him; he'll probably never speak to me again."

  "If he only wants to use you, Delancey, then I find that rather a relief," Marrell admitted. But she knew there was more to this. "Was Mackenzie wrong, or is he just interested in something sexual?"

  Thinking about what he had said to her in the hall, when they hadn't even had one date, Delancey only looked miserable and didn't answer, which in fact gave Marrell more than enough answer.

  "I'm going to tell you something, D.J., that I don't know if you and I have ever talked about," Marrell said with soft remembrance. "My first date was just two weeks after my fifteenth birthday. The boy was a little older-he was a friend of a neighbor and my grandparents-and I thought everything was fine. You know, girls wore more dresses or skirts in those days, and this

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  guy was taking me to dinner and a movie, so I was dressed up. I felt so grown-up. He was so cute and treated me so well. Dinner was wonderful, and so was the movie. But he didn't take me right home. He pulled off in a wooded area because he said he wanted to talk."

  Marrell shook her head. She had been so naive and foolish. "He didn't want to talk. I pushed him away just long enough to get out of the car and run back to the main road."

  "Oh, Mom," Delancey was horrified.

  "It was awful. I was almost home by the time he found me, and even then I refused to get back in the car. My grandfather was so angry that he nearly went for his gun, but I'll tell you what helped me the most was something my grandmother said.

  "She said she was proud of me and that I had done the right thing, but at some point the memory of that night would fade. A boy was going to kiss me, and I would like it. She said the temptation to do more than we should would be very strong but to remember one thing: I deserved better than that.

  "That was all she said. After that I didn't do as much dating as my friends did, but through their lives I saw what she meant. In time I realized that girls sell themselves short. They think the only way to hold a guy is to climb into the backseat of his car, and that it's worth doing. Well, I didn't. If a guy asked me out and tried something, I never went out with him again."

  Delancey was looking more stunned than ever, but Marrell just kept on.

  "My grandmother was right. It took a long time, but I eventually forgot how awful that night was. And when I met a man who was wonderful, I wanted him, D.J., more than I can say. He was the only one who hadn't tried anything, and when he did finally kiss me, I was ready to do anything, but I didn't. So many of my friends were stuck remembering their first time in a car or under the deserted bleachers after the football game. My first time was in a beautiful hotel room with no shame because the man was my husband, D.J. I've never been sorry that I waited or wasn't experienced. So now I'll say to you what my grandma was saying to me: I don't care who the guy is. If he's only after one thing, you deserve better."

  Delancey was astonished. She had known the reason her mother was drawn to her dad was because he'd been such a

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  gentleman, but she had never known about her mother's first date.

  "You're a beautiful girl, Delancey. This boy, what's his name?"

  "Jace Booth."

  "Jace Booth is only the first. Unless you meet a boy who's determined to wait, he's going to have expectations of you. You're the only person who can make it clear that you don't want to do anything you would be ashamed of. You've never given me reason not to trust you, D.J., but with as much as I work, you could easily choose to see someone without my knowledge. It would be a horrible mistake, but you could."

  "It's just so hard," the younger girl finally admitted. "A lot of guys look at me, and he's a junior, Mom. All the other girls think it's so cool that he likes me, and some of them have, you know, done it. They say it's wonderful."

  Marrell nodded and heard Mackenzie in the hall.

  "Micki?"

  "Yeah?"

  "Come here, please." Marrell waited until she came and took a chair. "I want to talk to both of you, and I want you to listen. All through the Proverbs a young person is admonished to listen to his elders and those who are old enough to have wise counsel. Fathers and sons are mentioned often. Dad's not here, so I'm going to translate that to mothers and daughters. I'm going to speak bluntly to you, and I don't want you to pretend to be listening and then blow it off as soon as you leave the room. This is very important." Marrell looked at them, unaware of how fierce her look was.

  "Delancey, has this boy kissed you or touched you?"

  "He's held my hand."

  "Did you like it?"

  Delancey nodded yes and bit her lip in embarrassment.

  "That's the way a woman is, D.J. She likes romantic things- small touches, flowers, loving looks, and long talks. I'm not saying that men don't like those things, but they are
created differently. Men would rather get to the main event than hold hands and walk along talking. It's worse for young men-high school boys, especially-when their hormones can control them if they let them. Am I making myself clear?"

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  "Sorta," Mackenzie frowned at her. "I don't like anyone right now, Mom, and D.J. hasn't been proposed to or anything like that."

  "But you were the one to warn D.J." Marrell pointed out, and Mackenzie nodded. "That's why I said don't blow this off. You both need to be aware. Men respond differently, and a woman can give out signals and not even know it. I don't want you to be known as a tease; that's a cheap trick on any woman's part." They still looked a little at sea, so Marrell knew she would have to keep this brief and be more to the point.

  "The best example of men and women I've ever heard is that women are Crockpots and men are microwaves."

  "What?" Delancey frowned at her.

  "Okay, D.J., Jace is holding your hand, you think it's wonderful, but do you know what Jace wants to do? He wants to put his arms around you and kiss you. You're perfectly happy to hold his hand, but he wants much more. Am I getting through to you?"

  Both girls nodded, their faces serious. Marrell saw that they were with her now and calmed a little.I can't believe I'm doing this. I'm talking to my 14- and 15-year-old about sex. How did we come to this? They seem so young, but they probably know more slang than I do.She made herself continue and not get emotional.

  "I know what I did and what my friends did, and I know what God's Word says about sex before marriage. It's always a mistake. God knew what He was talking about when He called it a sin. I'm not going to hate you if it happens, but I'm telling you there will be a price to pay. It may not be a baby or a sexually transmitted disease, but there will be a price. I would be wrong not to tell you what I know. If this is too soon, I'm sorry, but you're both in a caldron of temptation at high school, and like I said, I'm not around enough to know everything. Delancey's friends are already telling her it's great. They're wrong. I'm not saying they're lying to you, but if they find it's great for them now, they won't think so for long."

  Marrell was silent for a moment, trying to read their thoughts by their faces. "Have I overwhelmed you?"

  "No," Delancey said, but Marrell wasn't convinced.