Pretense

by Lori Wick

"Mom?"

  "Yes, Micki."

  234

  "Was Dad, you know, nice to you?"

  "Oh, Mic, he was so tender. Your father was the most romantic man on the earth." Marrell's eyes grew moist. "And that's just the way it should be."

  "Did he wait, Mom?" This came from Delancey.

  "Yes. He had dated a girl pretty seriously in high school, and they came pretty close a few times, but he waited. He told me after meeting me that he wished he'd never touched her. And that's something else you need to remember: Boys can have regrets too, but their drive is so strong. Regret is usually the last thing they're thinking of. D.J., can I ask you something?" Marrell slipped a question onto the end.

  "Sure."

  "Did you kick Jace today or anything?"

  "No," she said softly, "but when he walked me to class, I made sure he knew I was a black belt."

  Part of Marrell wanted to laugh. Delancey was so feminine and usually rather shy. Marrell would have loved to see it.

  "Are you laughing?" Delancey frowned across the room.

  "I was thinking how nice it would have been to be able to tell my date that night that I was a black belt. And part of me is laughing because you don't look like you could be threatening."

  "That's because most people haven't seen those ten-foot-long legs flying in the air at them." Mackenzie gave a false shudder. "It's no pretty thing."

  Delancey didn't even want to smile, but Mackenzie gave her no choice.

  "Shut up, Mic," she said to try and cover it.

  Mackenzie went on to make grunting noises and kick her leg in the air. Marrell and Delancey couldn't hold their laughter.

  "You kick like someone who thinks it's easy but hasn't had any training," Delancey said, her tone superior.

  "That's all right. Airline pilots don't need to know karate."

  "Is that what it is now?" Marrell was amazed. Just a month ago she was going to be a doctor, or was it a writer?

  "Yes, and this one I'm staying with. I might become a nurse too. That could come in handy."

  Marrell smiled at her, and Mackenzie grinned back.

  "What's your latest, D.J.?"

  235

  "I still want to run my own karate school, but I'm thinking lately that teaching might be fun too."

  "What age group?"

  "Little ones, like kindergarten or preschool."

  "Or a whole room full of Janas," Mackenzie suggested. "Wouldn't that be great?"

  "Yeah. We never see them anymore." Delancey sounded sad, and Marrell was overwhelmed with guilt. Shay spent her days chasing a toddler, and Marrell felt as though she lived at Bayside Architecture. They hadn't had a good long talk in many weeks.

  "Call them up," she said suddenly. "Ask them to dinner Monday night and to watch the football game."

  "Really?" Delancey looked overjoyed.

  "Yes. Call now before it gets much later."

  Delancey rushed to do the job, coming back only long enough to ask what Shay could bring.

  "How about a pan of her good brownies?" Marrell threw out the first thought that came.

  Delancey danced back into the room just moments later and surprised Marrell by running over to hug and kiss her.

  "Thanks, Mom!"

  "You're welcome" was still leaving her mouth when Delancey danced her way out of the room and down the hall. Mackenzie disappeared as well.

  I've got to do something, Lord. We're completely cut off from everyone who loves us. It's so easy to remember to ask the widow over right after the husband is gone, but more than a year later, when the loneliness and grief are still fresh, the widow is sometimes forgotten.

  Even as this thought formed, Marrell knew that some of it was her own doing. She was tired all the time-that was a very real fact-but did that mean she had to give in to it? Too often she used her weariness as an excuse. Too often she found it easier to read a book or watch television than get up and do something. Even going for a walk was too much of an effort.

  She glanced toward the window: too dark to go out now, but in the morning she would do better. Marrell stood with renewed purpose and walked to the girls' rooms.

  236

  "Hey, you guys," she said from in the hallway between their doors. "Let's do something tomorrow. Let's go somewhere and do something."

  "Where?" Mackenzie came to her door.

  "I don't know, but let's think of something and run away for the day. I'm going to grocery shop in the morning, but when we get back we'll take off. I'm entertaining all suggestions."

  "I know," Delancey called from her bed. "Pier 39- We haven't been there in ages, and then down to the bay to watch the kites."

  "Mackenzie?"

  "Sounds good to me."

  "All right. It's all settled. We leave at nine o'clock."

  No one bothered to check the forecast; it rained buckets. But Marrell didn't care. She took the girls anyway, at least to the pier, and even treated them to lunch on the bay. They had a wonderful time, Marrell included, but she had to work on herself all over again not to miss Paul.

  237

  Nineteen

  Marrell didn't even see Jack until Delancey called his name and rushed across the foyer to him.Marrell and Mackenzie followed a little more slowly and only got there in time to hear Jack say, "I have time this afternoon. Will that work for you?"

  "Yeah. What time should I be ready?"

  "Why don't I come right away?"

  "Sure," Delancey smiled at him. "We have plenty of chocolate ice cream."

  Jack laughed and walked with them into church. He sat on the other side of the girls, not an unusual thing, but it was uncomfortable for Marrell. On the outside he was the same old Jack, but Marrell couldn't help but ask herself if he was all right inside. She had said she needed to talk to him. Did he feel no sense of urgency? For her part, she could leave church on the spot and sit down face-to-face with him, but he seemed so calm. Maybe she had misunderstood.

  Marrell mentally shook herself when she realized she was missing the sermon.This is not the time for it, Marrell. Now listen up, girl.That was all she needed-that and shifting her body so she couldn't see Jack from the corner of her eye.

  "Is right now going to work, Marrell?" Jack wasted in asking. "Or is that going to mess up your lunch? I c later."

  "I take it Delancey needs help with her algebra?" "Yes. She says it's not much, but she wanted to getitbefore she falls behind."

  238

  The girls had disappeared. Sunday school had been great and the church service very encouraging and challenging, but for Marrell, one of her biggest challenges was seated on the pew beside her.

  Her eyes were to the front when she said, "We use you, Jack. Have you ever noticed that?"

  "I don't know what you're talking about." He was a big man, but he sat forward in the pew so he could see her face. Marrell looked at him and wanted to sob. How could they use him this way?

  "Are you ever lonely, Jack?"

  "Yes, I am at times," he admitted, his voice telling of his confusion.

  "So what doesthoughtful, sensitiveMarrell do? She rattles on about wanting to be alone, about never being alone. We use you."

  "Stop saying that," he commanded, his voice low but firm. "You do not."

  "Yes, we do. D.J. is struggling with numbers, so she calls on Jack. Shay can't come to the airport, so Jack has to pick up the Bishops. I can't get into the office because I forget my key, and who's stuck coming down an hour early? Jackson Avery. Without thought for your feelings, we use you."

  Marrell looked away from him again, and Jack thought he would give much not to be in a semicrowded church sanctuary.

  "Look at me, Marrell," he commanded softy.

  She did so reluctantly.

  "I'm going to be coming over right from here and helping Delancey. You can feed me some lunch, and when all of that is out of the way, we're going for a long walk and having a much- needed talk. Do you understand?"

  "I'll probably cr
y," she told him in disgust. "That's all I do anymore."

  "That'snot goingto bother me."

  "I told myself I would never do that again, and here I've done it twice."

  "Do what?"

  "Cry in front of you the way I did the day you hired me."

  Jack's hand went to the back of his neck in a long-suffering move.

  239

  "That's something else we'll talk about," he said softly, since Delancey and Mackenzie came looking for their mother.

  "We're starved, Mom," Delancey proclaimed.

  "All right. I'm coming."

  "I'm going to run home and change my clothes," Jack decided suddenly. "Do you want me to eat while I'm there?"

  Marrell glared at him. "Of course not. I just shopped yesterday."

  "You look fierce," he told her.

  "Do I?" she fired back, still put out. "Why are you going home to change?"

  "Because I have to wear a suit five days a week, so as soon as I can get out of it on Sunday, I do."

  "Oh." The fire had gone out of her. "We'll see you at the apartment."

  "All right. I made a cake yesterday and only ate one piece. Do you want me to bring that?"

  "What flavor?" Mackenzie wanted to know.

  "It's a yellow cake with chocolate frosting."

  "Lots of frosting?"

  "Mackenzie!" Her mother's voice left no doubt as to her mood. Marrell looked up at Jack as if to say, "See what I mean?"

  "We would love to share your cake, Jack." Her voice was soft and sad. "Thank you."

  Jack knew he couldn't comment without showing his frustration, so he bid them goodbye and headed to his car. His heart, however, was determined: Marrell Bishop would know where he stood before the day was over, or his name wasn't Jackson Avery.

  "Mom, should I not have asked Jack to help me? Areyoumad about that?"

  They were in the car on the way home.

  "No, that's fine, D.J. I just want us to be a little careful how much we take Jack for granted. He does have a lifeof hisown with better things to do than constantly help out Bishops."

  "I shouldn't have said that about the frosting."

  "No, you shouldn't have. We need to be thankful that have dessert at all."

  240

  "Especially after Mic's last cookie-baking venture," Delancey reminded them.

  "They weren't so bad, D.J. You're just picky."

  "The raisins were like chewing on rocks, Mic," her sister argued. "Don't give up your day job."

  The girls got a good jolly out of this, but Marrell was having a hard time with levity. She went to work on lunch the minute she got in the door, but since they had run off the day before and had fun, the apartment wasn't as clean as she liked. The carpet was far from new, so a week without vacuuming made it look all the worse. She tried to pull out of her awful mood, recalling the sermon, and praying and singing hymns in her mind, but suddenly Jack was there, and she was still bent out of shape.

  "I can tell it's going to be fun walking with you," he said when they had a moment alone at the front door. "You're still frowning at everything."

  "Maybe I won't go on a walk with you."

  "Oh, yes, you will." His voice was soft, but there was no missing his tone.

  Marrell's head whipped around to glare at him, and he calmly returned her regard. She had a dozen things to say to that, but needing Marrell's help, Delancey called from the kitchen.

  "We'll just see," she told him and would have turned away, but he bent low and said, "By the way, what are we fighting about?"

  For the second time in under an hour, the fight went out of Marrell.

  "I don't know."

  "Well, we'll figure it out and pick it up again on the walk."

  It was such a "Jack" thing to say-outrageous, straight-faced, and funny. Marrell smiled, shook her head, and led the way into the kitchen.

  They ate just 15 minutes later, and while Marrell and Mackenzie did the dishes, Jack and Delancey attacked her homework. In truth, she hadn't spoken to him soon enough. The end of the first quarter was just weeks away, and she was barely pulling agrade. It took longer than Jack had anticipated, but about 3:00 he finally got Marrell out the door for a walk. The park he had in mind was quite a ways away, but Marrell had told the girls that they would be back when they were back.

  "Are we going to church tonight?"

  241

  "If we get back in time. Go to Mrs. Baker's or call Shay if there's an emergency."

  "What if we want to go somewhere; should we leave you a note?"

  "You both have homework," Marrell reminded them. "Just plan to stay here and do it."

  "But if we do?"

  "You can't, Mic. You have to stay here."

  "All right."

  "Goodbye, girls. Take care of each other."

  '"Bye," they both called and stood for a minute after Jack and Marrell were gone.

  "Have Mom and Jack ever done anything alone before?" Delancey asked.

  "I don't think so, unless it was something at work."

  "Why do you suppose he's taking her for a walk without us?"

  "I think for the same reason Mom's sorta crabby. She needs some time alone or with adults."

  "She gets that at work."

  "That's like saying we get time with our friends because we see them at school, D.J. Nothing could be further from the truth."

  Delancey had nothing else to say on the subject and plenty of school subjects waiting for her attention. Both girls got to work without further ado.

  Jack and Marrell were fairly quiet on the way to the park. It was a brisk San Francisco day, so they walked along swiftly, slowing only when they reached the paved path of the park and finally found an empty bench. Marrell was slightly winded.

  "You're not even breathing hard," she accused him goodnaturedly.

  "I have more time to work out than you do."

  "What do you like to do?"

  "Walk mostly, some biking."

  "I was just thinking about that on Friday night-that I don't get any exercise these days. Some of the other women bring walking shoes and head out during their lunch hour. I should do the same."

  "It might give you more energy."

  242

  "I was thinking the same thing." Saying this, Marrell thought how easy it would be to skirt the main subject, but she didn't want that. "I was so crabby at you this morning, Jack. You offered to come and help Delancey, and I took your head off. I'm sorry."

  "I appreciate your apology, Marrell, but you still feel that I'm being used, don't you?"

  "I guess I do," she admitted, turning her head to look at him. "I can't believe you don't see it."

  "Do you hate me, Marrell, or dislike me in some way?"

  "No," she said with surprise.

  "Then you're not using me. You're a friend who needs occasional help, and you ask me. I can always say no, and Marrell, where have you gotten to thinking that you're calling on me every few seconds? In my opinion, you never ask for anything."

  She looked away in confusion.

  "And since when is it wrong to cry? If I've made you feel bad, then the shame is on me."

  "It's not you, Jack, but it's so embarrassing. Do you realize that I cried in your office when you interviewed me? How humiliating. I was so amazed you offered me the job that I could have walked into a wall."

  "So I should have thought you were some type of emotional nut and sent you packing?"

  "At the very least, yes."

  "That's funny," he said with a chuckle. "All I wanted to do was ask you to dinner."

  Marrell gaped at him. "Jackson Avery, you did not!"

  He looked her in the eye and smiled very tenderly. "Yes, Marrell, I did."

  "Oh, Jack, it's just not fair to you. I'm still in love with Paul Bishop."

  "I know you are," he said calmly.

  "But you still wish we could have something more. I mean, is that what you're saying, Jack?"

  "That's exa
ctly what I'm saying. And if someday you can care for me-"

  "I already care for you," she interrupted, "but I'm not in love with you."

  They were quiet for a moment.

  243

  "There isn't a young person on the planet who would agree with me," Jack spoke as he looked across the park, "but I think love is a choice. Now if everything about me repulses you, or my touch makes you shudder, then we have a problem. But if you care, then we have something to work with. A place to start."

  When he looked down at her, Marrell searched his deep brown eyes and saw nothing but honesty and kindness.

  "I'm 41 years old, Marrell, and very patient. I've waited a year already, and I see no reason to rush you now or make you feel obligated in any way."

  "But you want to marry me?" She had to make sure she understood.

  Jack nodded. "And take care of you and the girls for the rest of your lives."

  "Oh, Jack." She didn't know what else to say.

  "Have I horrified you? I'll not say another word if you don't want me to."

  Marrell put her hand on his arm for a moment. "No, no, that's not it. I'm just so overwhelmed. I mean, I don't even know what you see in me. I was such a crab today, but beyond that ..." She stopped and looked up at him. "Jack, I was going to grow old with Paul Bishop, and sometimes I can't believe that's still not going to happen. I'm not even one of those women who feels unfaithful. I mean, Paul would laugh at that. If I wanted to remarry, he would be the first to say 'go for it.' And even that!" she burst out suddenly. "All I do is talk about Paul. When are you going to tell me you're sick of hearing about Paul Bishop?"

  "I'm not ever going to say that."

  "Then you're too good to be true."

  "No, Marrell, I'm not. I have plenty of faults, but I'll never try to erase Paul from your memory or take his place. I just want the opportunity to love and cherish you as I dream of doing." He brushed a tear from her face. "And to be honest with you, I think you need someone very badly."

  "What if I can't ever do anything but care for you?" She looked tragic, but he smiled.

  "Then I know you'll do that with all your heart, since that's the type of person you are. Marrell Bishop is the sweetest woman I've ever known."

  244

  She cried then, and he put an arm around her and brought her close. He had a bulky sweater on, and Marrell cried right into the front of it.