Pretense

by Lori Wick

  "I never carry handkerchiefs," she heard him mutter. "Here, use my sleeve."

  A watery chuckle escaped Marrell, and she used her own sleeve.

  "What are we going to do?" she asked.

  "That remains to be seen."

  Marrell looked up at him and realized she was sitting very close.

  "You don't need to move on my account."

  His arm was on the back of the bench now, but Marrell's heart was not on that. She had suddenly remembered the girls.

  "How do we do this, Jack? How do we find out if we have anything here without the girls knowing? I don't want them hurt."

  "I don't plan to stomp off and never speak to you again if you don't want to marry me, Marrell. We can tell Mackenzie and Delancey what we're thinking of because I'm still going to be there for the three of you."

  "So we should talk to them?"

  "If you're comfortable with that ... if you want us to pursue this, yes. If not, then I'll just go back to being friend Jack."

  "And you could actually do that?"

  "Yes, Marrell, I can. For you, I can."

  "I don't want that," she said almost immediately. "I'm not sure exactly what I do want right now, but I don't want you to fade into the woodwork." She looked up at him. "Are you really 41?"

  He laughed. "Yes."

  "You don't look it."

  "Well, then we're even, because you don't look like the mother of teenage girls."

  She pulled a face. "Most days I feel like one." She sighed. "When do we talk to them?"

  "No time like the present."

  Marrell bit her lip. "Okay."

  They left the bench then and started down the path.

  "Just a minute." Jack caught her arm and led her back to where they were. "I think we need a little help before we do this." He held out his hand and Marrell put hers into it. Jack

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  prayed and Marrell listened, her heart settled and at peace. She didn't know what God had for them, but when a man was willing to pray as Jack was doing, she felt that was a very good start. If the girls felt the same way, that would answer just one of the many questions rushing through her mind. The rest would have to wait on the Lord's time, and as Jack let go of her hand and didn't touch her all the way home, she knew he was willing to wait as well.

  "Okay you two," Marrell came right at them from the front door. Jack had only been gone a few seconds. "What did you really think?" Marrell sat down and tried not to look as anxious as she felt. If they felt she had betrayed them or been sneaky, she would be so hurt and upset.

  The Bishop girls stared at her, both a little shocked. Jack Avery had just sat in their living room and said he was in love with their mother and hoped to marry her someday. Jack- Jackson Avery-their mother's boss.

  "Did he mean that, Mom, that he's not trying to take Dad's place in your heart?"

  "Yes, he did. Jack is a very special man, and he knows that I still love your father."

  "Then how could you marry Jack?" Mackenzie cut to the point.

  "I'm not sure I can, but I will tell you this: There are different kinds of love. I must admit to you that whenever I've thought about remarriage, I've never outright dismissed it or told the Lord no. I don't believe I'll ever love again, but there are marriages built on caring and trust."

  "Would you sleep together?" Again Mackenzie went for the bottom line.

  "I would not marry Jack otherwise. That's not fair to either of us, and he's not proposing that type of marriage."

  "Has he actually asked you, Mom?" Delancey asked.

  "No. Right now he just wants to know if I care enough to move in that direction. If you girls are totally against it, I'll tell him. He'll understand."

  "Would that upset you?"

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  "It would, but I'm not going to sacrifice you two for anyone or anything. I would want to talk about it, not just have you tell me no. I would want to know why."

  "I like Jack," Delancey said. "I like him a lot. I'm just not sure I want him living here."

  "I doubt if it would be here," Marrell said, "but I don't think that's what you meant."

  Delancey had never imagined living anywhere else, so this got her attention. Marrell read her look.

  "D.J., there would be many changes-where we live would only be one-but that's not what I'm asking you right now." Marrell stopped because she had to rethink this. What was she asking? It came to her very suddenly.

  "I just realized I want to give this a chance. Like I said, I care for Jack, and I want to see what the Lord might have for us- not just Jack and me, but you two as well. There will be lots of questions along the way, and I will answer what I can. Some answers you may have to wait for. But all I want us to concentrate on right now is how you feel about my seeing Jack."

  "Would you have children?" Again this came from Mackenzie.

  "I've had my tubes tied, Mic, and although the process is reversible, I need to keep in mind that I'll be 40 next year. Jack and I have not discussed that, so I can't say how he feels, but I strongly doubt that would be an issue."

  The girls fell quiet. Indeed, they were quiet for so long that Marrell apologized.

  "I'm sorry," she said with soft regret. "I shouldn't have thrown this at you. I miss your father, but I also don't love being alone. Jack is so kind and caring, but I don't think it's fair to ask this of you. I'm sorry."

  "I don't want Jack to be out of our life," Mackenzie said.

  "He won't be, Mic; he assured me of that."

  "But he might not come around as much."

  Marrell shrugged. She had thought of this, but what could she say?

  "Would you marry right away?" Delancey wished to know.

  "No. We would take things very slowly-as slowly as we all need to go." As soon as Marrell said this, she knew they could never give her permission. It was just too much for the girls to

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  put into words. Very gently, her eyes on their faces, she made the decision.

  "I'm going to start seeing Jack. I don't know exactly what that's going to look like, but we'll just take this as it goes. If at any time we feel God is directing otherwise, through you, through Oliver and Shay, or anyone, we'll step back and reevaluate. You must come to me at any time. I will always listen, but unless you have an objection right now, I'm going to talk it over with Shay and Oliver. If they think it's a good direction, I'll let Jack know."

  Both girls nodded immediately. Not for the first time, Marrell was amazed over the relationship they had. It was true that Paul had worked hard with them on their attitudes and appreciation for their parents, but it was more than that. Marrell was sure that God had been at work in their hearts. The girls were at an age when many of their friends hated their parents and wanted nothing to do with them. The Bishop girls were ready to be with their mother almost any time or place.

  "It's too late for church," Marrell now said softly. "How about pizza for dinner?"

  "What kind do we have in the freezer?" Delancey asked.

  "I meant go out."

  The girls looked so surprised that Marrell wondered about it. Did her girls think that she was a slave to the church's schedule of services? She went to church as often as she was able because she loved fellowship with the local body, but since the girls only came to church to please her, she could see how they would not view it that way. As they moved out the door for the car, Marrell prayed that her life, not her church schedule, would make an impression on her daughters, and that God would be able to reach them through some open door in their hearts.

  The next day Jack asked Marrell how the girls had been, and she had been able to give him a positive report. She also told him that Shay and Oliver were coming that night and that she wanted to talk to them. She wasn't sure why she was nervous about this, except that Shay's opinion was so important, and Oliver had been an unending source of comfort and help. At this point in time, Marrell could live with the thought of not marrying Jack. The thought of hu
rting him, however, made her feel as

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  though she had a knife in her side. That thought was still so heavy on her mind that it was a relief that evening to have the kitchen clear out so she could talk to her friend.

  "Am I imagining things, or do you have something on your mind?" Shay came out with what she was thinking.

  "I do have something on my mind, but I wanted to wait until the girls were out of here."

  "Should I get Oliver?"

  "No, you can tell him later. The girls like him watching the game with them."

  "Who's playing tonight?"

  "I'm not sure."

  Jana waddled her way into the room-she walked everywhere now-and wanted to climb into her mother's lap. Marrell reached across and tickled her knee, smiling when she squirmed and grinned.

  "Should I take her out to Oliver?"

  "No, I don't think she'll be a problem."

  The words were no more out of Marrell's mouth when Jana tried to put her hand in the butter.

  "On second thought," Shay said good-naturedly, "I think she really wants to see her dad."

  While Shay was in the other room, Marrell worked a little on the table, stacking the dishes on the counter for later. She was just washing the table down when her friend returned.

  "Do you want some coffee?" Marrell offered.

  "No thanks, but don't let me stop you."

  "I don't want any either."

  Marrell sat down at the table, but for a moment she said nothing. Shay waited, hoping they could talk before Jana looked for her again.

  "I want to tell you something, Shay, but I don't want you to be too excited."

  "All right. I take it that I'll think it's good news."

  "Yes, and maybe someday it might be, but right now I need to go real slow."

  "Okay."

  Marrell took a breath. "On Thursday of last week, Jack told me he would like to see me on a personal basis."

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  Shay's heart stopped and plunged on again like a rocket. She worked to keep the feelings from her face and said only, "How do you feel about that?"

  "I don't know yet. I talked with the girls last night-we both did-and I told them I'm going to give this some time and attention and see what happens. It's important to me that you and Oliver know, Shay, because if you have any objections, I need to hear them. I don't want to do anything the Lord wouldn't want me to do, and part of the way I'll know is how my friends respond."

  Shay nodded. "I see your point, Marrell, and you're right, I do want to get excited. But first of all, I want to know howyoufeel. You sound more like you're talking about a business arrangement than a relationship."

  "I know I do, Shay, but in truth, my heart's not as involved right now as Jack's is."

  "He loves you?"

  Marrell nodded. "He told the girls last night."

  "In front of you?"

  "Yes, right in the living room."

  "Oh, Marrell." Shay's heart was tender with compassion. "Can you tell me how this came up?"

  "It was Thursday-I think I told you that. Uh, let's see . . . oh boy, Shay, it's been so long since we've talked."

  "Tell me about it. I'm into 'Sesame Street' these days and loving it, singing every song, but I do miss our heart-to-hearts."

  Marrell had a good laugh over that.

  "Go on now," Shay leaned forward. "We'll talk about me some other year. I want to hear this. He talked to you Thursday."

  "Yes. You see, I had this job interview in the building, but I didn't take it because of the hours, and well, that led to Jack telling me he would like to ask me out. We talked about it after work that day and even that night, because he called to see if I was upset. That led to us deciding we needed to do a lot more talking. Then D.J. asked him to help her with her algebra, and he came yesterday. After that we went for a walk, and he said he's wanted to ask me out since the day he gave me the job."

  Shay's eyes slid shut and a warm smile came to her lips. When she opened her eyes, Marrell was just looking at her, an expression of hopelessness on her face.

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  "Oh, my dear Marrell. What did you say?"

  "Well, Shay, that's the strangest thing about all this. He's still just Jack. He's kind and funny and so easy to talk to. I even told him he was going to get sick of hearing Paul Bishop's name, and he said it wouldn't happen. He's so patient, Shay. I've never known a man quite like him."

  "What did the girls say?"

  "They were surprised, but when I told them I was going to do this, they had no objections."

  "And what exactly are you going to do?"

  "Get to know Jack Avery. Unless," Marrell said the word firmly, "you and Oliver don't think I should."

  Shay shook her head no. "That's not going to happen. A long time ago I told Oliver I wished the two of you could get together, and he said it was too soon and to stay out of it. Then, just two weeks ago, you called over something, and he said you sounded so tired and that he wished you could find someone and not have to keep working the way you do. Not to mention the fact that Oliver thinks a lot of Jack-has for a long time."

  "But you just stated the problem, Shay. I can't marry Jack because I don't want to work anymore. I'm terrified of hurting him or using him. I can't marry the man because I feel sorry for him."

  "I quite agree with you, Marrell, and if you were marrying him this week, that's what I would be saying to you, but as you stated, you're taking it slow and seeking counsel. It doesn't sound as though you're deliberately going to hurt anyone."

  "I don't want to unintentionally hurt him either."

  Shay looked very understanding. "If he's already in love with you, Marrell, you might not have a choice, but he's not the type of man to pout and never speak to you again."

  "No, he's not. I just need to keep my head about all of this, that's all."

  "What if you do fall in love with him?"

  "I think that would be great, but right now it doesn't seem likely. I even asked him what happens if my feelings never go beyond caring. He made it sound as though he could live with that."

  "But could you? Could you marry a man you weren't in love with?"

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  Marrell smiled. "Do you know what Jack said to that? He said love is a choice."

  Shay whistled. "He's certainly given you a lot to think about."

  "Yes, he has. Please talk to Oliver, Shay, just in case he has any cautions."

  "I will. I think he would only congratulate you for going slow, but I'll check with him."

  Again silence fell for a moment before Marrell asked, "What do you think, Shay?"

  Her friend's smile was warm. "I hope you tip head over heels and never recover."

  Jana was looking for her mother again and the conversation was over, but for the moment that was fine with Marrell. As Shay had stated, she had quite a bit of thinking to do.

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  Twenty

  Delancey worked at not showing her surprise, butit took an effort. For the second day in a rowJace Booth was at her table, eating lunch with her and Mackenzie and acting completely normal. Well, maybe not completely. He was actually a bit kinder, Delancey thought, with no attempt to gain intimacy and no air of proprietorship. She was completely stumped. The day before he hadn't walked her to class but had met her at the bus to say goodbye. Now today he walked her to class. Class itself was actually a waste of time; Delancey heard little of what the teacher said.

  If public opinion could be trusted, women were normally thought of as baffling creatures. Delancey knew better. She had practically threatened a boy with harm if he tried anything-a boy who was known for his interest in the physical side of relationships-and now he was hanging around and acting as if they were the best of friends.No, indeed,Delancey told herself as she tried to get into English literature,women are not the difficult creatures. Of this I'm sure.

  You can't buy her,Jack said to himself.You can't and you know it.Just
look the other way. You know she's not starving. Now just ignore it.But it wasn't working. Marrell's small lunch-half a peanut butter sandwich, a carrot, and a cup of water-were driving him crazy. He had been in her house. They ate fine, but there were never any extras. About the only thing she seemed to splurge on was Pepsi and the occasional meal out.

  He knew he was probably taking his cue from Taya, who had a new outfit every week, but it bothered him a little that the

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  dresses Marrell had worn when she started to work for him a year ago were the same dresses she still wore-nothing ever changed. The girls had new things on occasion, but Marrell's blouses, slacks, and blazers from before still remained.

  As if Jack's thoughts were not bad enough, he glanced down to see that the cuff of her blouse was wearing. He could see where she had patched a small hole. He had so innocently asked her to have lunch with him outside on the bench. Right now he couldn't eat a thing.

  "Are you all right, Jack?" Marrell suddenly noticed.

  "I worry about you," he said softy.

  Marrell sat looking up at him. "For any particular reason?"

  "Just a lot of little things." He looked over at her. "Do you have enough lunch today, Marrell, or will you be hungry this afternoon?"

  Understanding lit her face. "We're doing fine, Jack, I mean, most of the time. Well, that is, sometimes things come up, or I don't think well and spend more than I should, but most of the time we're all right."

  "How about this month?" he asked, not willing to let it drop.

  "This month is different," she defended herself.

  "Why? What happened this month?"

  "Just some things." She didn't want to tell him.

  "What?"

  Marrell busied herself with her napkin and wouldn't look at him.

  "Tell me, Marrell."

  He wasn't going to let it go. Marrell saw no choice. "We had some car repairs, and then I forgot and took the girls out to eat twice." She shrugged and looked guilty. "I just forgot."

  "So because you forgot, you don't get enough to eat for lunch?"

  "I'm fine," she assured him, and it was true. "This will be plenty. We just have to be a little more careful."

  He didn't believe her, and in fact he looked so stern that Marrell looked away. It was then that she spotted her own worn blouse and understood a little more.