Sex Material

by Ashley, Victoria

  Stepping out of my car, I run my sweaty palms over the front of my jeans and head for the front door, ready to get this over with. A pretty brunette is the first person I see when I step inside. My heart races at the sight of her, because I can’t help but to wonder if Jensen has slept with her since we stopped talking. The thought kills me, but I push it aside and reach into my purse.

  “Good afternoon. How can I help you?” she asks, looking up from the desk once I stop in front of it.

  I force a smile and place the envelope with my check in it in front of her. “I’m here to drop off a rent check.”

  “Sure thing. Let me get some info and I’ll get it marked in the computer. Name?”

  I clear my throat and run my hands over my jeans again, anxious to get out of here. There’s an office less than twenty feet away that has Jensen’s name on it, and I can’t stop the thoughts occurring about him that I shouldn’t be right now. “Camille Reynolds.”

  She stops doing whatever she’s doing on the computer to push my check back in front of me. “You’re marked in the computer as already paid, Miss Reynolds. You’re set for May.”

  “Are you sure?” I ask, confused. “I didn’t make a payment. Please check again.”

  She offers me a nervous smile and looks at the screen again. “It says here your payment was made two days ago. Perhaps you gave it to Jensen or Ben and forgot? Either way, I can’t accept your check before checking with them first.”

  I shake my head and shove the check back into my purse, heated. “Thank you for the information. Have a great day.”

  I’m raging mad when I step outside and climb into my car, slamming the door shut behind me. First Jensen kicks me out of his house, then avoids me for three whole weeks, and now has the balls to mark my rent off as paid for the month. I don’t know who he thinks he’s messing with, but I’m not having it.

  With shaky hands, I reach for my phone and begin typing out an angry text. But nothing I say sounds right, so I keep backspacing and starting over, until finally, I grunt and toss it into the passenger seat, annoyed that I can’t find the words to say.

  I haven’t been able to for three weeks now.

  My anger doesn’t dwindle the whole drive to my house; quite the contrary actually, intensifying the moment I pull into the driveway to see a delivery truck parked out front. Workers from The Home Barn are carrying things into my house without my permission.

  “What is all this? What are you doing?” I stop one of the workers coming out of the house when he attempts to make a trip back to the truck. “How did you get inside my house?”

  He shrugs. “I just work at the place. I do my job and don’t ask questions. Ask Derrick. He’s in charge of the paperwork.”

  I grunt and yank the screen door open in search of this Derrick guy. There’s only one person other than Veronica that has a key to my house, and Veronica would never let someone in without asking first. Her car isn’t next door, so I’m going to assume she doesn’t know there are strangers carrying things into my house right now.

  “Excuse me,” I say stiffly when I find the guy in my guest room setting up a white futon. “What are you doing in here?”

  “Setting up a futon, a desk, and a bookshelf like I was told by my boss. Is there a problem, ma’am?”

  “Is there a problem?” I question, annoyed. “Yes. How did you get inside? I didn’t order any of this, and I was told a month ago that you guys don’t offer assembly of the furniture, so as you can see I’m very confused and frustrated.”

  He shrugs and moves to put together another part of the futon, as if I’m not standing here losing it on him. “We don’t,” he says, annoyed. “Jensen ordered these things and demanded that we put it together today. He let us in and left. That’s all I know, lady. Now, if you’ll excuse me… I have work to do before I get fired due to a pissed off Jensen coming into the store because I didn’t finish my job on time.”

  I’m shocked and pissed at the same time. Jensen is really pushing me today. He has no right to do these things after pushing me out of his life. And as soon as these workers leave, he’s going to find out just how pissed I am.

  Over an hour later, Derrick and the other worker step out of the bedroom and Derrick hands me something to sign. Despite being pissed off, I sign it just to make sure these guys don’t lose their job. If it weren’t for that, I would’ve torn the paper up and tossed them out the door the moment I found them here.

  I don’t even take a moment to check the bedroom out. I jump into my car and head to Jensen’s, ready to give him a piece of my mind. What the hell kind of person forces you out of their life and then goes and buys you off? How dare he hurt me and then do this shit? He’s got some explaining to do, because my mind is on overload right now, and I’m about to lose it if I don’t get an explanation, and fast.

  I pull into Jensen’s driveway, my heart slamming against my ribcage the moment my eyes land on his motorcycle parked in front of the garage. It’s been weeks since I laid eyes on it after getting so used to seeing it everywhere I went.

  The sight of it and the memories it brings of the times we spent together softens me for a moment, until I remember why I’m here. I can’t let my feelings for him and the fact that I miss him like crazy stop me from doing what I came here to do.

  That’s to give Jensen a piece of my mind and remind him that he’s out of my life.

  I TOOK CARE OF CAMI’S rent and ordered the furniture she wanted for her guest room, because I knew I needed to piss her off to get her to come to me. Looks like it worked too, because she’s stepping out of her car looking pissed as hell.

  The three weeks has been fucking torture without her, and just as expected, I was the one to fuck it up. Telling her the truth is going to be hard. I know that. I can feel it in my bones. It’s going to hurt possibly both of us, but she needs to know what happened with Katherine. She deserves the truth. She has from the beginning, but I wasn’t ready to give it. I’m still not.

  But she’s what’s important. Cami.

  I take a deep breath and slowly exhale, before opening the front door right as Cami steps onto the porch, looking angry and beautiful as ever. Her heated eyes land directly on mine as she grabs something from her purse and roughly slams it into my chest, pushing me back until we’re inside the privacy of my home.

  “Here’s the rent payment, asshole,” she seethes, looking like she’s ready to strangle me. She should be. I deserve every ounce of anger she throws my way. “How dare you fucking do anything for me after you kicked me out that night as if I was nothing to you. You have no right to comp my rent, and you sure as fuck had no right to furnish my guest room. I’m nothing to you, Jensen. Nothing but your tenant, which is how it should’ve been to begin with. I was stupid to let you in. It was a mistake.”

  She stops to catch her breath, but she’s apparently so angry that she’s having a hard time, and it’s only pissing her off more. “Dammit, Jensen! I can’t believe I let you get to me this way. I knew you were an asshole from the very first day we met, yet I let you get under my skin. I let you in, Jensen. I allowed myself to fall for you, despite what I knew, and in the end I turned out to be nothing to you. From here on out, let’s keep it professional, so we can both move on. No more buying me things or giving me free rent, because I’ll give it right back. Got it?”

  She turns to walk away, but I grip her waist, slam the front door shut, and back her against it with my body. “You’re not fucking going anywhere, Cami.”

  “Move, Jensen!” She shoves my chest, and I let her, repeatedly, until she finally tires and gives up. “Get the hell out of my way, so I can leave. Now!”

  “No.” I move in closer until our bodies are flush. I want to be face to face when I say what I have to say. I want her to look into my fucking eyes, so she feels every word that leaves my damn mouth, because I’m not letting her leave here until she does. “You may be a lot of things to me, Cami, but nothing isn’t one of them. Fucking hell!
You should know better. I never want to hear you say that shit again. I mean it.”

  I cup her face and keep it steady when she attempts to turn away, as if looking me in the eyes is too painful. I fucking hate that with everything in me. “You’re far from being nothing to me. Why do you think I reacted the way I did? It’s so hard for me to tell you something that might change the way you look at me? I’m terrified you’ll see me the same way I see myself. That you’ll hate me just as much as I do. And that would fucking kill me, Cami. It’d fucking kill me.”

  “That’s a fucking lie, Jensen.” Her heart beats fast against my chest as her eyes look into mine, searching for answers I still haven’t given her. “If you cared about me at all…” She shoves my chest a few more times, creating some space between us. “You wouldn’t have kicked me out of your life when I found those pills in your bathroom. You hurt me. Broke my fucking heart, Jensen.” Her voice shakes, her emotions taking over, and it kills me that she’s fighting not to cry. “You had the power to prevent that, but you chose not to. All you had to do was tell me the truth, because no one else in this damn town will. And let me remind you that it’s the same truth everyone else already knows, but you can’t even respect me enough to do that, and I’m not sure you ever will. Without that I can’t be around you. I need honesty. No matter how much it hurts to be away. I’m going to go. Stay out of my life. You’re the one that wanted it this way.”

  An ache hits me straight in the chest, because the last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt Cami. I can’t let her go again. I can’t let her leave here thinking she’s nothing, because that’s furthest from the truth. “Fuck, Cami. Get back here.” Being careful not to hurt her, I press her against the wall again, but hold her hands above her head this time, showing her she’s not fucking leaving me. “It’s because of me Katherine was on those fucking pills to begin with. Do you get that? That’s what makes me a monster. That’s what makes me an undeserving asshole. You’re too good for me and I know it. But that hasn’t stopped me from wanting you every second of every fucking day. That’s why you need to know what happened. That’s why I’m telling you. I know it’s a little late. I just hope it’s not too late.”

  Cami stops struggling to get free from my grip and looks me in the eyes. Her chest is heaving against mine as she stays quiet, waiting for me to keep talking. She’s willing to let me explain. I don’t deserve it but I take the opportunity anyway.

  “We were young, and fuck, did I love her, Cami. I couldn’t spend a minute without her, but when we were together, we were toxic. We both knew it, but I was the only one to admit it. As much as I loved her, I knew we wouldn’t work. We both were hurting, and I refused to hurt her anymore, so I broke things off, thinking that’d be best. I thought she’d be better off, but I was wrong.”

  I swallow back the pain taking over and move my hands down to cup her face. I try to stop them from shaking, but I can’t. Thinking about what I did to Katherine always turns me into an emotional wreck. But as much as it pains me to speak the truth out loud and relive that night, I’m choosing to be the man I need to be for Cami right now.

  “Katherine fell into a deep depression after I broke things off. Said she’d never love anyone the way she loved me and she couldn’t live without me no matter how hard we fought. When I refused to give in, she turned to heavy partying and random hookups, looking for something she was missing. Something she was fucking missing because of me, Cami. She needed medicine to make it through the day, because of me. That still screws with my head.”

  Cami swallows and places her hands on my mine, her eyes telling me to continue. I do, even though the worst part has yet to come.

  “One night she hooked up with my best friend Ben, hoping it would make me jealous. They dated for a while after that. Until she found out she was pregnant and the baby wasn’t his but some random guy she hooked up with while drunk. Ben broke things off and wanted nothing to do with her. She cried and begged me to take her back since she no longer had someone to pretend with. She told me she couldn’t take care of Benny on her own and I knew that was true. I got back with her for Benny’s sake, but no matter how hard I tried to take care of Katherine, she kept getting worse. She was crying all the time, saying things like she knew I didn’t really love her, and that I was only with her for Benny’s sake. It was true. She felt that, Cami. I didn’t want to be with Katherine anymore and I was horrible at hiding it.”

  I squeeze my eyes shut and punch the wall, my emotions taking over. It’s been years since I’ve talked about what happened that night. I was hoping to never have to talk about it again. I never planned to have to explain it anyone.

  When I go the punch the wall for a second time, Cami grabs my face. “Look at me, Jensen. Look at me.”

  Exhaling slowly, I open my eyes and look into Cami’s, the look in them comforting and soothing, giving me the courage to go on. “I was working late one night. I knew Katherine had been upset that day. She sent me multiple texts about how much she needed me and couldn’t live without me. I kept reassuring her throughout the day that I wasn’t going anywhere. That I would be there for her and Benny, but it wasn’t enough anymore. She knew my heart wasn’t in it.”

  I swallow back the lump in my throat and run my thumbs over her cheeks when I notice the wetness. “I came home and found her on the bathroom floor. She’d taken almost the entire bottle of pills I just picked up from the pharmacy for her that day. Benny was sleeping. I had no idea how long she’d been lying there, but I dropped down on my knees and tried to save her anyway.”

  Tears wet my cheeks now, but I focus on clearing hers away, wanting and needing to take care of her first. “Even after the ambulance showed up and they pronounced she was dead, I yelled and demanded they save her. That they keep trying, because she needed to be here for her son. That’s when Benny woke up and saw two of them holding me back while the others carried his mom away. He kept yelling her name as they took her away and I was powerless. The only thing I could do was hold Benny and cry. I failed him. I failed them both, Cami. That’s something I can’t forgive myself for. I’ve tried. I’ve tried so fucking hard.”

  Her tears come out harder and she does nothing to hide them from me. She looks me straight in the eyes and pulls me down until my forehead is against hers. “You’re not a monster, Jensen. You need to stop beating yourself up when you did everything you could to be there for her. Do you know how many other men would’ve sacrificed their happiness to take care of her? Do you?”

  I lean my head back and look toward the ceiling, but she pulls my neck until I’m looking at her again. “Not many. That’s a rare thing. If anything, it makes you selfless. It makes you a good person, Jensen. If others can’t see that then they’re the problem. Not you. Where was her brother through all that? Where were her parents? Her friends? It sounds to me like you were the only one there for her when she needed someone.”

  I nod my head, confirming, and press my hands against the wall. “Not there.”

  She runs her fingers over my damp cheeks and leans in to speak against my lips. “But you were, Jensen. How could you expect me to hate you for what happened?”

  “Because I hate myself for it,” I answer simply. “I should’ve left work early that night. I should’ve been there for her and I wasn’t. Because of that Benny was left without a mother. If only I had gotten home sooner, she’d still be alive to see her son grow up.”

  She wraps her arms around my neck and hugs me hard, pulling me against her as if she can’t get close enough. “It’s because of you Benny had a mother for as long as he did,” she whispers. “And it’s because of you he knows what having a father is like. I truly believe that. I wish you would too. You’re not to blame. Nothing will change my mind to make me think otherwise either.”

  It’s the first time anyone has ever those words. I needed to hear them more than she’ll ever know or understand. I’ve gone all this time blaming myself and living up to the asshole everyone made
me out to be after that night.

  “Fuck, Cami.” I kiss her hard on the lips, before picking her up and carrying her to my bed. She’s not going anywhere. Here with me is where she belongs, and I’ll never make the mistake of letting her think otherwise again.

  “I meant every word I said, Jensen.” She curls up in my arms when I crawl into the bed beside her. “I need you to believe that.”

  “I do,” I whisper into her neck. “Now let me hold you, Cami. I need to hold you.”

  I hold her in my arms until we both fall asleep. And for the first time in forever, I feel like I am enough for her. I want to show her that I am, and I’m making a promise to do that from here on out.

  * * *

  I WAKE UP IN THE middle of the night, wrapped in Jensen’s arms. He’s holding me tight, as if he’s afraid of letting go in fear I’ll run away in the middle of the night.

  It hurts my heart for him to even think that. I’m not going anywhere, anytime soon. I may still be pissed at him for what he did today to get me here in the first place, but he apparently knew pissing me off would get me right where he wanted me, and it worked.

  “You okay, baby?” Jensen’s voice is deep and scratchy as he sits up and pulls me into his lap. “What are you doing awake?”

  “Just thinking about you,” I admit. I turn in his arms until I’m straddling him. “Why did you want me to come to you? Why didn’t you just come to me?”

  He flexes his jaw and cups my face. “Because I was an asshole for kicking you out of my house. You belong here with me, and I wanted you to be here when you learned the truth. It’s the only way it would’ve felt right. You’re mine, Cami. I’m yours, and will never fucking kick you out of my house again. That’s a promise. I’ll let you kick me out of my own fucking house before I make you leave again.”

  Hearing him say he’s mine makes my heart skip a beat. It’s the best thing I’ve heard in a long time. “I like the way that sounds.”