Love Finds A Way

by C. P. Watson

  It’s pretty difficult to tell if someone’s a lesbian or not sometimes. My gaydar isn’t that great, not at all.

  I would have never imagined myself looking at Bethany’s email, of her portfolio, to get her address. And most of all, I’d never expect myself to show up at her place, and park in front of her apartment building like I’m stalker-crazy. Should I go in? Is it a good idea?

  She knows I’m weird, but I doubt that she thinks I’m this weird. This frickin’ girl makes me do things that I’ve never done before, or would ever consider doing.

  I’ve never even slept with someone on the first date. But I slept with her! Ugh.

  Leaning my forehead against the steering wheel, I think about those sparkling blue eyes. Is this mere infatuation that I have for her, or is it a bit deeper?

  My phone begins to ring, and I look at the caller ID. It’s Petah. My blood begins to boil. I throw my phone into the passenger’s side seat and get out of my car.

  Heading into the building, and finding the correct apartment, I press the doorbell and wait patiently. I’m so anxious and I don’t know what to do with myself.

  “Mommy, mommy,” I hear Blue’s voice, and a smile immediately curves my lips.

  I can hear him running, before a loud thump, and he begins to cry. I’m becoming worried, but when Bethany opens the door, with Blue crying against her shoulder, the most surprised look is on her face.

  “Can I come in?” I ask before she can say anything.

  “Yeah,” her tone is so low, as she moves to the side. Blue’s eyes dart to mine, and he immediately squeals and jumps out of her arms.

  “Xo, xo,” he leaps into my arms, and almost tackles me to the floor. I’m laughing along with him, as I try to steady my balance, while lifting him up.

  “You remember me, huh?” I begin to tickle his tummy, as Bethany closes the door. She looks at me for a moment, before heading over to the couch.

  “Uh huh,” he brushes his thumb over my nose, before squeezing my cheek.

  “I missed you too, sweetheart,” he slips down to the floor, and takes my hand in his.

  “Come,” he guides me to the couch, and grabs a book from the floor to show me, “animals, Xo, Xo. You learn too?” He plops down on the floor and opens the book, “sit,” he pats the floor beside him.

  I give Bethany a glance and nipple on my lower lip. She doesn’t seem too bothered by the intrusion, “I was just teaching him to spell,” she says, as she brushes her hair behind her ear.

  “Mommy, were did the Jars go?” Jars? I cross my legs beneath my bum, as I sit next to him.

  “Giraffes,” she leans down, and turns the pages for him.

  “Jars,” he repeats, causing me to hold in a giggle. Bethany shoots me a playful glare, as she runs her fingers through his hair. She kisses the top of his head, his blonde curls pressing against her lips.

  “I’m only letting that slide because you’re still a baby.”

  “Baby?” He pouts and tilts his head back, so that he could look at her, “Imma big boy, mommy,” my heart is melting at a hundred degrees. He’s so adorable.

  “You’re my baby,” he sighs in defeat, as he looks at me. I pout and jut out my bottom lip, making him smile.

  “Xo, Xo, naptime?” I just got here. But if you sleep, then I’ll get to talk to your mommy. I smile deviously and pick him up.

  “He’s just trying to get out of me teaching him,” she doesn’t seem to be against him going to bed.

  “I’m sweepy, mommy,” he whines and clings to my shoulders. When I carry him into his room, he doesn’t want to let go, “bedtimes, pwease? Pwease, Xo, Xo?” I nod, as I try to fit onto his small race car bed. Bethany’s standing by the door, with her arms crossed over her chest, looking directly at me.

  “Okay, sweetheart. Have you heard the story of the girl with very long hair?” He shakes his head, as I pull the covers over him. Rapunzel might do the trick.

  * * *

  “You’re so good with him,” Bethany whispers, as we quietly head out of Blue’s room. She leads me into the kitchen and opens the fridge.

  “He’s as cute as a button. I’ve had two baby boys, remember?” She looks back at me, “I know how to handle them.”

  “You really do,” she takes out a pitcher of water, and I lean against the kitchen counter, as I watch her pour a glass.

  “Not going to ask me why I’m here?” I rub the back of my neck, as she hands me the glass and grabs a beer from the fridge for herself. I quirk a brow, as she pops the cap.

  “Let me drink this first,” she leans the bottle to her lips, and downs about a quarter of it.

  “Um, okay,” my eyes narrow, as I look at her movements, and how flustered she looks.

  “Xiomara,” she looks at me carefully, “I know why you’re here,” I press my lips together. I don’t even know why. Shrugging, she takes a another chug, before wiping her lips with the back of her palm.

  I could really use a glass of wine right now.

  “I’m not even sure why,” I’m trying to be honest, but that isn’t the complete truth. I’m here because I’m attracted to you, fascinated with you. I really want to get to know you. Bethany, I have feelings for you. But I don’t say that. Instead, I take the beer bottle from her, and gulp down the rest.

  “That’s rude,” she grumbles, as she retrieves another one from the fridge. I apologize with my eyes and she sighs, “what are we going to do about this?”

  I’m pretty sure that she’s talking about our attraction for one another.

  “Rude of me to be here, or rude of me to finish your beer?” She pops the cap and hands the beer to me.

  “I haven’t decided,” I’m looking at her and sipping on my beer. She seems to be thinking. What is she thinking about?

  “You’re in deep thought, I see,” she tilts her head to the side, and I place the bottle onto the countertop.

  “Xiomara, I’m restraining myself here,” restraining? What does she mean by that? I step closer, but she steps back and shakes her head.

  “Bethany,” I place my hand on her shoulder, but she moves away. There’s so much doubt in her eyes, and is that fear that I see?

  “You’ve made it clear that we should forget that anything happened. Why are you rehashing this?” I swallow and then look away, focusing my eyes on a random object. The toaster is the first thing that my eyes land on, and I inhale a deep breath.

  Does Bethany make toast every morning? Does she like it a little burnt just like me? I like it smeared with butter, does she?

  “I, uh,” my throat’s dry. And my thinking has drifted off to randomness.

  “Is it because you still love her?” This gains my attention, and I refocus my eyes on hers. That’s what she thinks?

  “No,” I say calmly, easing the harshness in her eyes, “I don’t love her.”

  “Then what’s so complicated about your life?” I’m wondering the same. Is it because of the age difference that I’m so reluctant, or because I’m afraid of giving my heart away?

  It seems so easy to fall for her, and I’m afraid of drowning in those blue eyes, where I could never recover.

  “I think I should leave,” I turn to walk out of the kitchen, but Blue comes rushing in, with his arms stretched out.

  “Xo, Xo,” he leaps into my arms and rests his head against my shoulder, as he begins to suck his finger.

  “Did you have another bad dream?” His mother caresses his cheek, and her other hand gently rests on the small of my back. I feel a shiver run up my spine, and not even the cuteness of this little boy can hold back my emotions.

  “Mommy, carties, pwease?” Carties? I rub his back and follow Bethany into the living room. My eyes fall onto her cute butt and I gulp. Oh come on, you shouldn’t be checking her out.

  Bethany turns on the tv, and I realize that he wants to watch cartoons. Resting him onto the couch, he holds onto my hand and shoots me those big, green eyes. He’s just like his mommy when it comes to tha
t.

  I sigh, and move onto the couch, allowing him to lye on top of me. He continues to suck on his thumb and peacefully watches a cat and mouse fight on tv. My eyes travel over to Bethany. She’s sitting at the end of the couch, in front of my stretched out legs. She’s so beautiful in my eyes. I don’t understand the effect that she has on me, but it’s not just because she’s attractive. It’s much deeper than that, and I barely know her… I want to get to know her, I really do.

  * * *

  “Xiomara,” I’m awaken by the gentlest voice against my ear. My entire body freezes, as she brushes my hair away from my face, as I open my eyes, “you’re so—” the smile on her face is making my heart thump. There’s so much innocence within her eyes, telling me that she wants me—that she wants to love me. But I’m so afraid of allowing her to. Can someone like her fall in love with someone like me? Are her feelings ever going to develop into love?

  “Mommy!” Blue screams and I hear his loud footsteps running towards us. He’s awake again? I sit up and rub my eyes with my thumbs. Bethany’s still looking at me, almost inspecting me.

  My eyes travel to where Blue is standing, and he’s sporting bright red sneakers. I stretch my arms and look around, trying not to catch another glimpse of her eyes.

  My eyes narrow from the brightness seeping through the windows, and I realize that it’s from the sun. It’s morning? How long did I sleep!

  “You slept so peacefully,” she gets up and picks up Blue. He’s dressed in a pair of shorts and a t-shirt. I wonder where he’s going.

  “I should—“

  “Xo, Xo. Breakfast?” A yawn escapes my lips, and I place my hand over my mouth.

  “I promised to take him to IHOP for breakfast,” he smiles widely.

  “Come wis us?” He manages to make me gush over him even when I’m half awake. I nod and he claps his hands, “mommy get dress know.”

  She tilts her head to the side and looks at him for a few moments. Maybe she’s appreciating how he makes her life great, or she’s reflecting on the unusualness of his behavior. Does Blue behave differently when he’s around me? Do I make him laugh more, smile more? Do I make them both happy?

  “Are you going to behave and watch cartoons in the meantime?” He nods and she places him onto the couch next to me.

  “Xo, Xo, you dress too,” he points to the direction of Bethany’s room, and I almost blush. I press my lips together, as she gestures her index finger for me to follow her.

  “I should head home first. I probably smell like beer,” she leads me into her bedroom, and I enter without hesitation. Looking around, I notice that she’s even more spotless than me when it comes to tidiness.

  “Traffic back to your place will be hectic. Just get ready here. I’ll lend you something,” your clothes can’t even fit me. I frown, as I tug on the edge of my blouse. Our styles are completely different, and I don’t plan to dress in a miniskirt!

  “Do you have anything for a trying to grow old gracefully lesbian to wear?” She giggles and rests her hand against my shoulder blade, sending warmth to rush through my entire body.

  “I do have a closet filled with anything you might need. Wanna take a look?” She walks over to the closet’s door and opens it. My eyes nearly bulge out when I take a peek inside. Does one really need over a hundred pairs of shoes?

  “Fuck,” I mutter, as I step inside. It’s even more tidy in here.

  “I turned the third bedroom into my own closet,” she walks past me, and starts looking through a few dresses on the railing.

  “And they allowed you to renovate?” I press my lips together, and stuff my hands into the front pockets of my jeans.

  “It’s a condo, so I can—“

  “How did you afford—“ I stop myself from saying another word, and she looks at me carefully. Why’s she looking at me in such an analyzing way this morning?

  “When I said I’m working to put food on the table, it’s a hyperbole, babe,” babe? I feel an intense blush flush my entire body. Oh my frickin’ god, she called me babe! It makes me grin and almost forget what we’re talking about. I know that I probably look like a moron, but I can’t help myself.

  She furrows her brows, probably wondering what’s the matter with me.

  “Hyperbole?” I ponder, as though I don’t know what it means. I’m trying to cover up my reaction, but I’m getting weirder by the minute.

  “Exaggeration,” she explains briefly, “I work hard enough to give Blue the life that he deserves—what we both deserve,” how she’s speaking worries me. I don’t know much about her, at least not anything really personal.

  “Found anything for me to wear, babe?” I try to lighten the conversation, and I notice the immediate blush on her face. Aw, she’s so cute.

  “Uh, um,” she stumbles for words, and I find it so amusing and sexy, “are you hitting on me?” I walk closer and shrug.

  “Does it look like I’m hitting on you?” She doesn’t step back, but stretches her hand out and places her palm against my chest.

  “Easy there, tiger. Blue can walk in at any moment,” she’s careful and I like that. Also, she didn’t necessarily reject my advances. It makes my brain begin to scramble like scrabble tiles.

  “I’m sorry,” I’m considering my actions, wondering how easy it is to be tempted by her. Something so simple can make me want to kiss her so lovingly on her luscious lips. Do I have any self-control anymore? I haven’t tested the theory in a very long time. I haven’t needed to. When you turn a certain age, there’s no time for beating around the bush. You get to the point. If you want sex, you go for it. If you have feelings, you say something about it. That’s what I’ve always done—been straightforward and to the point. But not now. Instead, I wobble around like an infant on broken limbs, with a bunch of piled up feelings and a major crush on someone so forbidden.

  She’s not forbidden, Xiomara. She’s not underage. She isn’t married. She doesn’t have a girlfriend or boyfriend. She’s perfectly safe to be with. Why are you holding back like an idiot, you dumbass?

  “I’ll go shower. You can look for something in the meantime,” I simply nod, as she leaves the closet. She’s probably confused with my disappearance from the real world. I’m lost, lost in my mind, trying to conjure up what I should do, and what I shouldn’t.

  CHAPTER 7

  “I left a towel on the sink for you,” Bethany walks back into the closet with a towel wrapped around her body.

  “Thanks,” I didn’t even find something to wear. All of these clothes are making my head spin.

  “Over there,” she points and leads me over, “blouses and jeans,” she begins to nipple on her bottom lip, “these here might fit you nicely,” I’m more interested in her lack of clothing than the search for them, “Xiomara?”

  “Yeah?” My eyes flutter to hers, and she’s smiling.

  “Is your life ever going to be less complicated?” I have to give her brownie points. Even though she’s the younger one, she’s more open about her feelings than I am. I expect myself to be more mature and forthcoming than her.

  “Yes, I think it will be. I’m just, I—“ want you so badly that I don’t want you at the same time, “I’m confused with my feelings.”

  “Me too,” she assures and reaches for my hand with hers, “just don’t push me away. We can be friends until you’re ready.”

  This makes me so happy. Knowing that I can have her in my life regardless of a relationship sounds amazing.

  “Friends, huh?” I sigh. This means I can’t kiss or touch her. It'll be so fucking hard!

  “Blue likes you, and I think you’re good for him,” usually, a responsibility like that would get anyone running. Who wants to be a priority in a kids life? Oh right, me. I love kids. And I love Blue already.

  Does this mean that I love Bethany? Platonically, maybe. I’m sure that I’m not in love with her yet. And hopefully, I won’t be anytime soon or ever, for that matter…

  “I wouldn’t
run away from him anyway,” I’m referring to her too, hoping that she realizes that I want her in my life.

  “Good,” she grabs a blouse from the railing and hands it to me, “I’m sure this one will fit you perfectly,” I nod, as she steps away, and heads over to another railing.

  Taking a moment to settle my thoughts, I walk out of the closet and towards the bathroom. A warm shower will do me some good right now.

  * * *

  “Mommy—“ Blue whines, as we walk into the elevator, “I want Xo to lift me,” he finally dropped the repetition for once.

  “Fine,” she gives him to me and I grin at him, “you two enjoy yourselves,” she waves, as she steps out of the elevator when it begins to close.